New week

It's a new week, and I'm feeling slightly better. The family get-together wasn't horrible. It was up in Maine, and T and I decided to take the long way home and make a little road trip of it. It was certainly better than sitting at home feeling sad. There was an occasional job question that I had to avoid a little bit, but other than that, things went fine.

Sunday we took care of my two nieces for a bit. When I was a teacher and teaching 6th grade, I remember wondering what my nieces and nephew were going to be like when they were in 6th grade. Well, two of them are entering 5th grade now, so I'm seeing what they're like. It's funny when the "I wonder what" things come to fruition and are there right before you.

I met with my fourth temp agency today. I should be able to find some work between the four of them. My last day at work should be on Wednesday. I'm still relieved that I'm not there anymore. This was a good decision.

I have a phone call with my RE on Wednesday. Wednesday will be CD 5, so it may be too late for the Cl0mid. I forget which day most people take it on, but it's definitely early on. So, I guess I'm planning on another unmedicated cycle, and then if this one doesn't work I will definitely be using it next time. I will find out more details on this on Wednesday.

It's official

As expected, the blood test came back negative. I just can't believe this is my life. How much crap is a person expected to go through?

We're going to a family get together tomorrow, and I'm really dreading it. I have absolutely nothing 'surface' to talk to anybody about.

So, Rachel. How's work?
I quit my job.
Do you have something else lined up?
No.
So, do you think about starting a family?
Yup. We hope to someday.
[Awkward silence.]

Yay! Won't it be fun?

I don't know what else to do but plan for another IUI. I have a phone call scheduled with my RE on Wednesday. My only coping mechanism is to keep going forward. But I'm starting to feel like I am insane. I keep doing the same thing over and over and each time, I expect a different result. How much of my sanity do I have to sacrifice?

I know it's realistic to expect one of our dIUIs to work. Often, the first one doesn't work. I just feel like I've paid my dues and then some. I see nearly everyone around me getting pregnant and moving forward. There are a few who have pursued a different avenue, but I still feel like I'm doing the same things I was doing before, whereas they have been able to move forward with something else. The people I started blogging with are generally no longer undergoing treatment. They've moved on to other things: usually pregnancy, but some have moved to adoption or to living w/o children. I feel completely left behind.

I'm trying to come up with other options for us, but I just don't see what they are right now. I know I could never, ever opt to live w/o children. I totally understand other people's choice to do this. I know and respect someone who made that choice after many failed treatments. I just know that I want children.

I keep thinking about adoption, but it scares me mostly because it takes so long, and because you usually adopt an older child. I know it is our back up, and if it is I constantly wonder if we should start some paperwork now. I mean, if we're going to have to wait 2 or 3 years, why not start now? But I just haven't wrapped my mind around it that much. I hear so much about the legal status of international adoption changing so much, and they're putting health restrictions on prospective parents that I'm not sure we would pass. I'm uncomfortable at the idea of a home inspection and the intrusive questions. I mean, if the DS doesn't work, we will definitely take this route, but it hasn't been in my mind much.

In the end, I just want this to be over. I am mentally exhausted by this roller coaster. I have suffered enough. My husband is worried about my mental health, and frankly I'm worried for myself too. I just want to not think about any of this for a while.

But taking a break is just not an option for me right now. I can't do it. I have to keep moving forward and trying and trying.

Someday, maybe it will be me who's moving forward. And the only way to get there is by trying.

Negative again

It's over, as far as I'm concerned. The test on 11 dpo with first morning urine was negative. It was pure white. Not a hint of HcG in my urine. dIUI #1 is a bust. I have my blood test on Friday, but it will simply confirm what I already know.

I caved (with update)

I caved and I peed on a stick. There was no hint of anything. There isn't even an evaporation line I can pretend is a positive. I know it's early, and it could change, but I'm doubtful it will.

My first two pregnancies, I had extremely sore b00bs starting around 8dpo. I don't have a hint of anything now. I do feel some weirdness in my uterus, but I had that after my transfer, and that was a BFN too.

I'm sure I will test again, but I'm feeling pretty confident they will also be negatives.

Now the question is, should I bother to try Cl0mid?

P.S. My bbt is also going down slowly, which does not point toward positivity, either.

Thoughts while waiting

T and I had a discussion about taking an hpt. He agrees with me that it's a bad idea to test in the morning before I go to work. He thinks it's too early to do it tomorrow (9 dpo). So, I'm not going to test tomorrow. I may test Tuesday after work, when I'll have some time with the result afterward. If I chicken out and don't test one evening this week, I will definitely test before my beta on Friday. I know I will want to know then.

In other news, I still don't really have any symptoms. Well, except for my breakdown tonight. I grilled hamburgers tonight, and they were unusually large and thick hamburgers. I cooked them longer than the smaller hamburgers I usually make. Still, T's burger wasn't cooked in the middle. It must have found a cold spot on the grill. Upon the discovery that his burger wasn't completely cooked, I had a meltdown. I stormed out of the room and started crying. T cooked his hamburger further, and it ended up being fine, but I just had a complete meltdown over this under done hamburger. This is not usual behavior for me. Yes, I get frustrated by things like this, but not usually enough to storm out and cry. I'd normally just swear about it and move on, but not tonight, ladies (and gentlemen?).

One week

It's now been one week since my IUI. I did okay for this first week. I've been trying not to think about it. But now I'm starting to freak out a little. I don't have any symptoms, but that's not really that surprising. I have had some uterine twinges for several days, but that doesn't make any sense as implantation supposedly does not occur until around 8dpo. So, I'm not sure what that's about, but I think it was previously making me optimistic. Yesterday, I thought that maybe my b00bs were getting tender, but I think I was just making it up because that's what I wanted to happen.

Today I am not optimistic. I'm becoming convinced that it didn't work. Of course, I have no idea. It's impossible to know. But now I'm getting scared to poas. I don't know if I want to know. I mean, I want to know if it's positive, but what if it's not? Can I go to work and finish up there if I know my pee stick was negative? But the thought of not using it is unfathomable. I need to know. I'm an information person. So, Monday may be my first stick day, but maybe I'll chicken out. We'll see.

This wait is just so frustrating!

Still waiting

Today is 5 dpo. Every time I pee, I feel myself up to see if my b00bs hurt. They don't. I know that doesn't mean anything, but I want them to hurt. Still temping, but that doesn't tell me anything either. I just need to wait. Waiting sucks.

Had a lovely dinner with a fellow BT-er. It's so nice to be able to sit and talk about all of this stuff frankly, without worrying about boring the other person with infertility stories. I was telling her that in the throes of my whirlwind IVF cycles, I truly had nothing to say to fertiles with kids or friends who have chosen childlessness. I couldn't talk about anything other than my cycle.

Now it seems I can't tire of telling my story. Our story. It's definitely a story of both T and me, but I'm the sharer in the family. I just want to tell it to anyone and everyone. I'm not sure why it's so cathartic to share my story. I mean, it clearly works for me, which is why I have this blog. But when someone emails me out of the blue, or if I email someone and they respond, somewhere in that communication is this story.

I wonder if this is the story we will share with our child. I mean, in the beginning it will need some amending. We don't need to include all of the heartbreak. The heartbreak will not be there for our child. Her life will simply be her life, and we want her to to be proud of that life and have no shame in it. So, we're going to have to learn how to frame this story so that it has less heartbreak and more happiness.

I'm sure that will be much easier when we have an actual, real live baby around. It's pretty difficult to imagine right now.

Hopefully, I only have one more week at work. There is a chance that I will have to go in for a couple of more days after that, but I'm hopeful that I can wrap everything up by next week. We shall see. I am so thankful that I quit this job. People at work have been telling me that I look much happier now that I gave my notice. So, it must have been the right decision. Tomorrow I have an interview with a temp agency and an interview with a recruiter for a specific job. All good.

Another eventful day in the life of Rachel

I gave my notice at work today. I finally had it. I have a co-worker who is a bit of a b!tch, and she sent me a scathing email for supposedly making a tiny mistake. I'm still not convinced I'm the one that made the mistake, but that's sort of beside the point. As you probably recall, I've been hating my job for some time now, so I finally just decided to call it quits. As I'm only working part time now, I figured temping will give me just as much money if not more, and at least I can know that each job is only temporary. I just couldn't stand the negative vibes at that place any more. So, I'm hoping my last day is Aug 24, but we shall see. Now that I have given my notice, I do feel a great weight lifted from my shoulders. I know it's the right thing to do.

That being said, I still feel like sh!t about my work situation. I'm lucky in that T makes a good income, and if mine isn't steady we won't go bankrupt and lose our house. And I also know that I help us as a couple by organizing everything, cooking and doing most of the cleaning, taking care of the laundry and other general household stuff. I know that is not nothing. But I still feel guilty not having some sort of reasonable income. I mean, I have a Master's Degree for god's sake. I should be able to have some sort of reasonable job. But my last two jobs have been so crappy. It's made dealing with all of this IF stuff even worse because I have no calm time. I feel like I've made poor choices for myself, even though much of what has happened has been beyond my control. I am going to try really hard to not take a job unless I'm absolutely sure that it's right for me this time. In the mean time, I will temp or find some sort of shit job of some sort. I know my sanity is of utmost importance, but I have a guilt problem. I can find a way to feel guilty about anything.

I'm lucky in that T is so supportive of me. He knows that my job has been eating me up, and I showed him the emails from the b!tch co-worker, and he agreed with me that it was time to give my notice. I know it is the right thing for me, but I do worry about my future with work. Maybe temping will help me find something I can live with for a little while.

Thoughts on being open

My understanding of being open with a child about his or her origins means making sure she (I will refer to said child as she for the rest of this post, simply because it is easier) has always known about them. That means, before she can talk or read or understand, we are going to repeat her story to her. Her story is her story. It isn't good; it isn't bad; it is simply her story. She will grow up knowing it, and though she may not fully understand its implications, she will have no memory of not knowing it.

I am going to put together a book and read it like a good night story to her. Every child loves to hear her birth story, and our child will be no different. Her story may be a little different, but she will simply always know it as her story and will not know any different. It will simply be a small part of who she is.

When she is four, she may decide to tell random people parts of her story. She may react to something someone says to her with parts of her story. Her story will be out there. The question is how to prepare others for this possible situation.

T and I need to talk about this. I think it is better if people just know. I think he doesn't want to share as much. I don't mean that we should tell strangers on the street, but some of his closer coworkers, maybe. Aunts and uncles and cousins should know. If people know, they will not be shocked if it comes out of the kid. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is simply part of who she is. If it is just the way it is, then why wouldn't everybody know?

I don't know how T will feel about this. I don't know when it will be time to share the information with other people. I do know that we have to absorb this information into our lives and accept it with our hearts and our souls because this is how we are going to bring our child into the world. And we have to share this with our child completely.

ovulation

My bbt went up this morning indicating ovulation, so the timing of the IUI could not have been better. I think we're both doing okay with things. T is less sad than he thought he would be. I think I am where I expected to be -- sad, but hopeful.

I keep wanting to do things to increase the chances of success, but I know there isn't anything I can do (or stop doing) to make the chances of becoming pregnant go up. It's a crap shoot. So I am continuing to knit, continuing to search for a job, and just doing whatever it is I normally do. I went for a walk this morning -- I am trying to keep up with exercising.

I'm going to therapy tomorrow. I think I want to discuss disclosure with her. Like, once I finally do get pregnant (notice the positive slant there?), how do we or do we not disclose the donor issue? Do we just say something if someone asks a probing question? Do we not disclose anything? We don't want to lie, and we don't want anyone to think it's a 'secret' but at the same time, it's not something we plan on singing from the rooftops, I guess. Though, I am really bad at keeping things in. I have a tendency to over share. So, I'm not sure how to resolve all of those issues. But I really think my therapist will have a good idea about how to handle all of this.

So, today is 1dpo. How early can I poas?

Now We Wait

It's done.

Yesterday I picked up the sperm and brought it home. It is in this HUGE tank and I had to strap it in the back seat and secure it with the seatbelt. When I saw what was in that HUGE tank, I looked at it and said to the nurse, "That's it? Did you know that cost $520?" Her eyes got wide. I don't think she knew how expensive donor sperm was. And it was the tiniest bit of sem.en I have ever seen. It was pre-washed, but it was really mind boggling how tiny that little bit of sperm that so many of our hopes are piled into was.

The numbers were excellent. The count was 38 million, and this was after washing. The motility was good. I don't remember the exact number, but it was definitely a good. The only thing that wasn't stellar was the 'retrograde' motion. They like to see it at a 2 or a 3 (it goes up to 4 with 4 being best) and the sample was only a 2. But hopefully since it was already up there in the uterus, that won't matter too much.

The procedure was pretty easy. There was a bit of cramping, both during and after, but it was pretty easy. After doing IVF, an natural IUI was a breeze.

We both cried a little this morning. We were both nervous. But we both knew it was a means to an end, and this is what we had to do. My beta is scheduled for Friday the 24th. But I'm a stick pee-er, and I will definitely test before that. Especially since Mary Ellen gave me a bunch of the bulk tests she bought.

So, we're off. A new kind of 2ww. Please let this work. Please.

covered

I called the RE's office yesterday, and the word had come in that day that we are covered for our procedure. Now we know where we're going! So, I called the appropriate nurse and discussed things, and I told them that I was bringing the vial of sperm in myself. We still haven't signed all of the consent forms, so we're going to have to do that too.

And, I got a positive OPK this morning, so the dIUI will be tomorrow. I still have butterflies when I say this, but this is it. Here we go.

So, I am both scheduling the IUI and picking up the vial of sperm today. Tomorrow will be the procedure, and then I'm launching into another 2ww. Oy. And I only have one HPT in the house.

I got my hair cut last night, and in the spirit of conversation the woman cutting my hair asked if I had any plans this weekend. I just had to say, "No." Though we are going to be open, "I'm having a dIUI!" is not how I'm going to answer this question. I am injecting the sperm of some man I have never met before into my uterus this weekend. That ain't nothing. That is huge. But I've been very adamant of telling people, even people who know, that things are happening "soon" and not giving dates. If we were having se.x, no one would be asking for exact dates. So "soon" will have to do. I will tell them when (please, let it be a when!) we are pregnant. There are a couple of people we will tell early on -- people who I would tell I had another miscarriage if that were to happen. But I'm trying to keep this process as normal (ha!) as possible.

It's here!

Just as ultimatejourney suggested, my cm has shown up. It's not the fertile kind yet, but the fact that any was there at all is of great comfort to me. I used an OPK this morning just for peace of mind. No surge yet (which I was expecting) but at least I know for sure and I won't be freaking out all day. I also ordered the sperm. It will get here tomorrow and I will go pick up my vial in the afternoon in case we need to use it this weekend. We still don't know where we're going to have the IUI done and we still haven't heard from insurance.

As far as interviews go, the one on Tuesday went well. I have this hesitating feeling about the woman who interviewed me, though. And right now I'm not sure I could take a job where I have this hesitation. It's still early, and I have no idea if I'm going in for a second interview, never mind get an offer, but I'm not quite certain I would take it if it were offered to me. Luckily, I have another interview today. It's for a much more simple, straight forward position that feels really appealing right now. Of course, I need to go to the interview to see what it will really be like, but if I am pretty much left alone to do this simple work, that might be just the type of job I should take right now. I want something that will keep me busy all day, but won't have too much emotional stress. And I want a job that I will feel comfortable quitting once it is finally (finally!) time to have a baby in our home. So, we'll see.

T is sort of freaking out now that the fertile time is near. He's really scared and sad about all this. I can tell him I think everything will be okay, but there is little I can do to truly make him feel better about it. He went to a little work outing yesterday and a couple of people asked him, "When are there going to be little Ts running around?" It was all he could do to not say, "Never." This breaks my heart.

This is about cm, so if you don't want to know, don't read it

Has my fertile time gone? Today is CD 11. I have yet to see any cm. I went over my older charts and it's not the first time I haven't had cm by CD 11, but I should be seeing some. I need to order the sperm, and I want to order it when I know I'll use it within a week. But the only way I'll know that is if I see some cm and I know the LH surge will be coming. I haven't peed on an OPK yet, but I will tomorrow morning, even though I still have no cm. I was planning on doing it at my first hint of cm, but I cannot wait any longer.

I'm sort of worried that 6 months of being on crazy amounts of hormones has forever altered my cycle. I'm also worried that the stress of worrying about my fertile time is going to delay ovulation. Which stresses me out. Anyone else see a pattern here?

Yes, I'm over worried. But I want to see some damn cm so I can get this damn dIUI out of the way.

I'm going to order the sperm right now.

Ah, baby making. Isn't it romantic?

Lovely Weather

Today was beautiful. E&R came over with baby S and I gave them the hat. It fits him perfectly! It was gorgeous out, so we took a walk to a popular city square near our house and had lunch. I think I got a little sunburn on my neck, but the weather was lovely, and it was great to get the exercise. Little S is really getting big. He's standing up well and moving around while holding on to things. He looks and acts so much like R, it honestly makes me a little sad. I look in his face and I see R. I just think about how we will look in our child's face and without even knowing it, we will see the donor. I mean, I know we will love our child and everything will be fine. And I know we will even see parts of T in our child. But it will just never be like the way I see R in baby S, and that just makes me sad. I honestly don't think that part of the loss will ever completely go away. I think it will diminish some once we have a baby to love, but I don't think it will ever completely go away.

I am still on a hat knitting kick. I have made a second hat like the one I made for S. Now I am making a little strawberry hat for T's boss's baby that will be born in September. I also made the baby this teddy bear.
I think I will put the hat on the bear when I give it to them.

Tomorrow, I am going to try to get my hair cut, go to therapy and go see my career counselor. I'm excited to tell her about my job interview. It's related to education, which is what I have my master's degree in, so I am pretty excited about it.

It's been a nice weekend. We had friends over on Saturday night just hanging out. We grilled and we made vegies from our CSA box. We sat there in our living room, and I felt very grown up. Sometimes the fact that I'm a 35-year-old adult who is married and owns a house freaks me out a little. I don't feel that different inside than I did when I was in college. I mean, I feel a little bit different, but not enough to be a real grown-up person, I guess. My mom tells me that she can't believe that she's an old lady, so I guess it's a different view of the same thing. Time is such a strange animal.

Today

Today T took the day off of work and we spent the day together. We went out for a wonderful breakfast and then did a bunch of errands. Then we sat in the air conditioning and watched a movie. I knitted. Oh! The other day I made baby S the cutest little hat! Here is a picture of it.


Forgive the cashew bin and our messy bed. :) We are going to see E&R and baby S on Sunday. I will give it to them then. Is it weird to give someone a winter hat in August when it's like 95 degrees out?

The meeting with the midwife went pretty well. If we don't get insurance coverage, we will go there. And even if we do get coverage, if it works maybe we'll go there for care and monitoring and stuff. I'm really not terribly fond of my former OB. When she told me the news of T's translocation, she just kind of brushed it off and said IVF with PGD should work and she thought she'd see me again in a couple of months. Ha! That was in April 2006.

Anyway, days keep passing, and every day is closer to the dIUI. I called the RE and the insurance company, but still no word. I still haven't ordered the sperm yet, but I was told by someone at the bank to not order it until I'm just about ready to use it, which will probably be Tuesday or Wednesday. The ordering, that is. The using will be somewhere between Thursday and Monday, I think. I guess it's good that the plan is to do it on one of my days off. Though weekends are slightly more complicated, especially at the midwife's. But whatever it is, it is.

Oh, and I have a job interview! On Tuesday! Yay me!

Decisions, Decisions

Things are definitely moving forward. We decided on a donor (as I've mentioned before). We decided to open 2 years worth of sperm storage. We decided to purchase 4 vials initially. I submitted the storage paperwork today. The paperwork is crazy. I shouldn't purchase the sperm and have it shipped until I know I can use it within 7 days. 3 vials will go into storage and one will be picked up by me for me to bring to my IUI. I usually ovulate on day 14, so the IUI should be on day 13, if that's when I do in fact have my LH surge. Today is day 4. So, I'm not going to order it for another week. It only takes one day to get there.

Every time I think about this dIUI I get butterflies in my stomach.

I'm also concerned about using the OPKs. I got advice to buy the digital ones, but they are so freaking expensive that I didn't buy them. That was, of course, before I mentioned them on here. So now I'm also nervous about not interpreting the OPKs properly. What if I miss it? I cannot miss this cycle. Should I just pee on an OPK now to see what the lines look like? Oy!

So, this is going to happen soon! There go those butterflies again.

Tomorrow we are meeting with the midwife who does dIUIs. Since we are shipping the vials to Cambridge and we can pick them up in person, it doesn't matter if we do the IUI with the RE or with the midwife. We can just pick it up and bring it where we need to bring it. Still no word on insurance.

This is going to happen soon!!

T had a dream

When I woke up this morning, T told me he had a dream that we had a baby. It was a DI baby, and he said he loved it. He said he was holding it and looked at it and he knew that it wasn't related to him biologically, but he loved it.

We must be slowly healing.

I took my bbt this morning (sorta) and we're going to do the dIUI in a couple of weeks. I purchased OPKs, which I have never used, but I am charting as well since that worked for me before. It's so hard to remember to take my temp before rolling over (hence the sorta). I was so good at it for a while, but I have to get back in the swing. It is almost a year since we have tried a natural cycle on our own. Well, except for pregnancy #3 where I apparently didn't chart and we managed to get pg anyway. We snuck that one try in there. Or, if I did chart I have no idea where it went. I have all of my other charts shoved in my night table. I scrutinize them sometimes.

As far as the IUI and the expense goes, I am not having any monitoring. It's just that expensive because that's what the RE's office charges for an IUI. Our sperm is expensive because that's what the bank charges. We are getting prewashed IUI sperm (which is more expensive) and we are using an open donor (which is more expensive) so we are buying the most expensive sperm they offer at our bank. We do have an appointment with a midwife on Thursday who will do the IUI for $300 cheaper than the RE's office. We will go there if we do not get insurance coverage. But, all of our charts and experience and everything are at the RE's office, so if we don't have to pay for the procedure, we figure we'll just stay at the RE's office. It seemed simpler.

We actually tried to go to a different clinic, but when I said that I had done IVF before, they freaked and told me to stick with the RE. Even though I tried to explain that it was my husband's issue, they saw those three letters and didn't want anything to do with us. That's why we thought it was simpler to stay with the RE. It wasn't until later that we got the name of this midwife clinic. So we will go there Thursday and see what happens. I feel like it's kind of last minute to switch, but I guess I can do it if I need to. This is all a part of how nervous I'm feeling.

But we both seem to be in a better place right now, which I really appreciate.

Doing Okay

This morning T was acting hyper. When he is hyper he talks in puns and non-sequiturs. Sometimes he does little dances. It's very cute. He kept babbling and babbling, and he didn't know why. Earlier this morning I decided it would be a good idea if we made coffee (decaf cappuccino for me) and watch "John From Cincinnati" on TiVo. We never do this on Saturday mornings, but it was rainy and humid, and we had to clean because my parents are coming over, and I thought it would be a relaxing start to the day. We love coffee and we love the show. So, after the show was over and the coffee was gone, and he got out of the shower, he shouts over to me, "Why am I acting like this?"

My answer? "I think it's because you're happy, sweetie."

"Happy? Huh. I remember happy. Maybe that's what it is! How novel."

So, I guess we had a good morning.

I'm starting to spot, so CD 1 will be here tomorrow. I'm starting to get nervous about the dIUI. I think all the paperwork is in place, but I nervous that something will go wrong. On Monday I will call the bank and make sure everything is set. We're doing this non-medicated with only one vial. One IUI. We're putting all of our eggs, so to speak, in this one basket. I have been pregnant from having se.x only one time (just like they warn you in se.x ed class), so for our first try, we are thinking this is enough. Probably for our second try too, but if it gets to a third try, we're going to do something else. And maybe I'll change my mind and want clomid for the second try, but we shall see what happens.

I just think it's so weird that this unmedicated IUI is so expensive. I mean, I feel like I'm paying hundreds of dollars to have se.x (sort of). With IVF, it felt different because of the medication and the intervention, and there were things going on that I could never have done on my own. But with this procedure, we could basically do it all on our own. (Well, an ICI on our own. Not an IUI exactly, but it doesn't feel that different.) So it just seems a little crazy. But it is what it is, and it's what we're doing. We still haven't heard about insurance. I guess that's another call I have to make on Monday.

So, whenever I think about the IUI, I feel butterflies in my stomach. Already. I am incredibly nervous that it is not going to work right away -- and statistically it doesn't work right away. But I also half expect it to work right away (since it has for me before), so I'm nervous that if it doesn't I will freak out. I know, I'm making myself crazy. But that's what I do best!

So, time is marching forward slowly. Our house is nice and clean (downstairs anyway) and we are taking my dad out for his birthday tonight. BBQ and frozen custard! Woo hoo!

Week End

First, I want to thank everyone for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it. I am feeling slightly better now. I did check out some donor egg support groups, but of course the next one in my area doesn't meet until mid-September. It seems that most support groups are not meeting much over the summer. I also emailed my local Resolve chapter to volunteer to run a donor sperm group. However, I have emailed and volunteered my services to Resolve before and never got a response back. We shall see what happens.

And as far as getting out my concerns on this blog goes, I do do that. I love this blog. I love having this blog. I find that it helps me tremendously. In fact, even if no one read it (which I think would make me a bit sad) I still think it would help just to get my feelings out through my fingers.

But there are some things that are difficult to write down because you can't even articulate them. There are some things that only come out in conversation with others. Sometimes the only way to reframe an idea is to bounce it off other people who are experiencing the same thing and just looking at it from a different angle. There's something about having a conversation in person that is different from pouring out my emotions on this blog.

That being said, I guess what I'm feeling mostly sad about right now is what was brought up in that NPR story. How the woman, when she saw her son walking next to the woman who had given birth to him, that their walks were the same. How, when I look at baby S, I see his dad in his face and in his body. When I used to teach, sometimes a student's dad would walk in the room and I would think, "That has to be so-and-so's dad" because you could just see it. I am just mourning that connection.

I am also wondering what we're going to say when people ask, "Who does he look like?" And I even believe that people who will not know might even say he looks like T (maybe) and then how do we respond?

When that happens to my brother and sister-in-law with my niece L, they just smile and look at each other and say, "Yup!" People have said that she looks like my brother. So I guess that's what we'll do too.

I mean, I don't feel like we won't be a happy family. I don't even think we'll think about this too much once there is a real live little person around. We will just live our lives as most people do. But that connection that is genetics -- it is not a small one. It will always connect us to this donor, and it is a strong bond. I do not think that it replaces the bond we will have with our children. Our children will always be our children and that is a bond that no one can break. Ever. No matter what. It's just that a small but natural piece of parenthood -- looking for yourself, physically, in your child -- will not be there for T. And though I think we are making the right decision by going with donor sperm, I am still grieving this loss. It does not feel small right now.

I just thought it would be helpful to discuss this feeling of loss with a group of people going through something similar. Donor eggs, donor sperm, whichever. I'd be interested to hear other people talk about it. But it's just not going to happen for now.

For now, I have this blog and other bloggers. But that is a good thing.

Not the best day

I didn't get anything done at work today. I did about an hour's worth of work all day.

I'm also feeling really isolated. I'm a bit isolated at work now that I've changed offices. I haven't really minded the new office until today, though. But I'm definitely feeling isolated with all this DI stuff. I do know a couple of people in the blogosphere who are dealing with DI issues, and that definitely helps a little, but I'm feeling like I need more. I really want to find a support group where people are dealing with their emotions about DI, but nothing I have found online is like that. Maybe it's different once you're pregnant, but now I'm just feeling so very alone in all of this.

At RESOLVE there are many donor egg groups, but I have yet to see a donor sperm group. Donor egg definitely has similar issues, but it is a different process (way more difficult than DI), and the non-biological aspect of it is different because though it is not the mother's eggs, the woman does carry the child which is a very physical thing. It is just feeling different to me right now.

I just don't feel like I have anywhere to turn to talk about this. My therapist is on vacation, and I just don't know what to do. I do not want to go back on this decision. I still am happy with our choice and our donor. I just want to talk to people about what I am feeling and to hear what they are feeling. I just don't know where to go.

I took my last BCP yesterday. Things are going to happen soon.

My first part time week

Today is Monday and I didn't go to work. I woke up around 7ish, went for a walk, came home and took a shower, and then I started working on cleaning the kitchen. I only got as far as the dishes, but that was no small feat. Our kitchen is disgusting. I then made myself a decaf double mocha (we just started using the espresso machine we had in our basement) and the guy from the gas company changed our meter. I asked him some questions about our boiler and he was helpful, but I am worried about it because our house is heated with steam and I cannot tell how much water is in the boiler. There is an indicator glass thingy and I can't tell if it's full to the top or empty to the bottom. We have an automatic feeder system so it's supposed to take care of itself, but I am concerned. I just emptied about 6 gallons of water and I still can't see anything in the level window. We have a 'low water' alarm system thingy, and that's not saying the water is low, but how could I have emptied 6 gallons without seeing a meniscus? I just don't get it.

Anyway, ArtBeat was a hit. The weather couldn't have been better, and we had all sorts of knitters and crocheters swarm at our booth to contribute. I gave a few lessons, and I got a connection to someone in a Park & Rec department who may be hiring to teach knitting to teenagers -- so maybe a new part time job. E came by with baby S, and ultimatejourney and her hubby visited too, as well as a bunch of other friends of mine. There were people at the booth who didn't speak any English, but I saw a look in their eye and just gave them some yarn and knitting needles, and they sat down and knitted up something beautiful! Hurray for the universal language of knitting! I had a great time and the whole thing went wonderfully.

I called the financial coordinator at my RE's office to see our insurance status. We should be hearing by the end of the week. If we get denied, we can still go ahead with the dIUI and pay for it out of pocked while we appeal. If we get coverage in the appeal, they will reimburse us for the procedure. So, we are getting really close. It should be about two and a half weeks. I have a phone call with the nurse practitioner to see if we do one or two inseminations per cycle. I have gotten pregnant on one insemination before (read: by having sex once during my fertile period -- that was pregnancy #2) but I'm totally paranoid about it not working this time.

Anyway, while I was typing this I head the water turn on and our boiler filled itself with water again. So, it must be working. The indicator must be clogged or something. Maybe we'll call the plumber.

Not working full time is going well so far today. It's only noon and I feel like I've accomplished a lot. Plus, I will do a bunch more. I'm going to bleed the boiler again.

Oh, there was an adoption piece on NPR this morning. It was about interracial adoption, and though we aren't planning on adopting just yet, we feel that adoption issues are quite related to insemination issues. At the very end, the mom talked about her children meeting their birth mother and looking at her son walking with his birth mother and how they walked the same way and how that affected her so strongly. This made both of us cry. It is just that kind of thing -- knowing that we will not see some of these small, physical things that T does being present in our children that still make us sad. We know we will love our children fully and completely, but that will always be there, just like it is still there for that mother. Her children are grown now, but you can still hear it in her voice how moved she was. I keep wondering about the future with our children and whether we will meet our donor or not.

pregnancy and babies everywhere

Tomorrow I am helping to run a booth at a local arts and crafts festival. We have displays of yarns and knitting and crochet techniques. We will be giving free lessons and giving people the opportunity to make a square to become part of a blanket we will donate to charity. I have been trying to tell people about our booth so that many people will come an visit. This leaves me face to face with a reality that we are surrounded by fertile people.

E and her baby will probably stop by. A co-worker of T's and his wife and baby may stop by. T's boss's wife is due on 9/22. Another co-worker of T's recently announced his wife's pregnancy. A couple other of T's co-workers may stop by with their children. With the exception of E, T and I were pregnant before all of these people. Two or three times. They have babies. We have yet to purchase a vial of frozen sperm.

Why is life so cruel?

Rain

It's raining today, which always makes me sad. I thought I was over being sad, but I guess not. Today, I am sad. I don't feel sad about anything specifically. I just feel a sadness in general.

I called the bank, and I was told our donor has more than 20 vials in storage. So that is good news. That gives us a little more flexibility. Our donor also has no pregnancies on record, but I'm trying really hard not to worry about that. He is clearly a new donor. His audio interview was conducted in February of 2007. And sperm needs to be quarantined for six months before it can be released. I guess the question is how many times can they produce per month? But I'm not worrying about it yet. Or at least, I'm trying not to worry about it.

I still haven't heard about the insurance coverage, but I'm trying to worry less about that too. I mean, we were lucky to have coverage for the IVF, and doing the IUIs will not send us into debt because we will have the opportunity to re-evaluate before we get to that point financially.

So, I know that things are okay. But I guess I just want a break. I mean, we have been through so much in such a relatively short period of time. Two miscarriages, an overwhelming diagnosis, preparation for IVF, another miscarriage, and three failed IVFs with only one transfer and an extremely poor response. Then we had to deal with moving on to donor sperm. I guess I'm feeling like I just want something to go our way. I am so sick of this process. I just want to be pregnant already.

I feel like we are so close and yet so far away at the same time. I'm exhausted, and I feel like time is moving so slowly. Each day seems like it's taking forever to end, and it's taking forever to get to the next day. I still have a week on the pill, and then it will be two more weeks until we do the dIUI. More time. I'll probably freak out if the first one doesn't work because every time we've been pregnant, it's been right after going off the pill. So, I'll freak if the first one doesn't work, and really panic if the second one doesn't work. If that's the case, I'm taking Clo.mid for the third one.

I'm starting to go part time next week, but I decided this three weeks ago and I feel like the last three weeks have gone extraordinarily slowly. I don't even know if going part time is going to help me. I'm trying to find jobs to apply to, and I'm just not interested in any of them. I don't know what I want to do, but I know I need to do something.

I just want something to be easy.

Paperwork Hell

We're hoping that insurance covers our procedure. It definitely doesn't cover the cost of sperm, which isn't cheap. It's about $500/vial. Of course, the paperwork somehow got messed up. When I called the RE's office to check on when we would hear back about the coverage, they figured out that the insurance company was missing some paperwork and they had to resend it. Our insurance carrier doesn't like you to go 'backwards' from IVF to IUI, but I don't understand how they wouldn't do that with different sperm. I mean, it would be stupid to do IVF with this new sperm right from the get-go. Of course, we have no MF diagnosis, so it's really unclear whether we'll be covered at all. I really hope that we are, but we may not be. It will take 6 dIUIs to match the cost of one IVF out of pocket, so I'm thankful for the coverage we had. But I hope we can get covered. It will be nice to save some money, but I think I also feel so strongly about it because of this whole 'infertile' designation. We live in a mandated state, so with a diagnosis of infertility (for a specific not age-related reason) you are covered for infertility treatment. Because we can conceive and we could possibly have a baby on our own, we are not technically considered infertile (sort of). We did get the IVF coverage, so that was a good start. But now I fear not being covered and being labeled fertile. That will piss me off.

So that brings me to my next topic. I think I have mostly moved on from the sadness and on to the anger. I am pissed. I am pissed that this is happening and about what we have had to endure and that I have to pay money to do something that people just do for free. I know that was true with the IVF too, but somehow this IUI feels different. I think it's because I think I could get pg from home on my own since T and I got pregnant on our own so many times. But T is totally against home insemination, and that is something I am completely willing to compromise on, so we're not doing it. But anyway, I'm just pissed about this whole thing. We got screwed.

So, trying to figure out what pieces of paper I need and don't need is getting confusing. We have to figure out how many vials to buy and how many to ship (don't forget the $175 shipping fee) and whether to store it at the bank or at the IVF place ($600/yr storage charge) so that we have enough to have a second kid with. The bank will store for free for two years once we have a baby, so we don't want to ship it to the IVF place to store for a year because there is no way to ship it back. And it all depends on how many vials are available. It looks like there are vials for our donor, but I don't know how many. Haven't checked yet. Still waiting for insurance info.

Dizzy yet?

Again, Better

Well, I didn't feel well yesterday, so I stayed home from work and mostly searched for a new donor. And I found one. A much, much better one. His coloring is much more like T's. He seems smart in the same way T is. And the best part is, he's an open donor. That means when our children are older, if they want to find a way to contact the donor, they will be able to. This was important to us. While I'm sure we will be perfectly happy if our children express absolutely no interest in our donor, it is natural to have curiosity about the biology behind your existence, and we wanted it to be up to our children to decide how to proceed in contacting or not contacting the donor.

I am feeling much, much better about the donor decision now. I feel much closer to the, "This is the guy," feeling than I did with the other donor. T agrees that this guy is, hands down, our best choice.

I was able to sleep last night (with a little help from Ty.lenol PM) and this morning I am still convinced that we found our donor. This is a much better decision.

Now I get to start worrying about whether the sperm will be available or not.

Trouble

We both have had trouble sleeping lately. I've been waking up at around 3 am and haven't been able to go back to sleep for an hour or two. This happened again last night, and when I got up to pee, T was awake. I freaked out. I confessed that I had reservations about the donor we chose. I just feel like he looks too different from us or something. I'm not exactly sure. So, I was crying in bed for about a half an hour. I feel so guilty about feeling bad. Isn't it T who should be doing the suffering?

T is the most wonderful man in the world. When I told him I had reservations about our donor guy, he just said, 'Well, then we'll pick a different one." He said we both had to feel good about the decision because it's such a huge one. I expressed concern because the one we chose was T's favorite, but he said we had to compromise to come to a decision that both of us can live with. I tried so hard to accept this donor -- he's really not bad -- and I tried to compromise because I thought this was the donor that T wanted. But I suck at compromise. I am afraid that with this gut feeling of mine, T is compromising and I am not. That's not fair. I don't want that. But T said we had to go with my gut feeling because gut feelings are important.

So, we're kind of looking again. I just wish I knew how to choose. I think I need the person to look just a little bit like T somehow. Though, I'm not sure how. I suppose there's a chance that we'll go back to our original choice, but I'm just not ready to commit yet.

And as far as the waiting goes, I am self-medicating with BCPs. I have about two more weeks of BCPs, but I can always stay on them for another week or two. This gives me a little bit more flexibility with timing. So, I will stay on BCPs until we both feel comfortable with our decision, and then we will more forward.

I always wanted to try DI before adoption for several reasons. I get to experience pregnancy and delivery, we will have a newborn, it is less expensive, and we have more choice. This last one, choice, is turning out to be a real bitch. These choices are so difficult, and I don't know how to go about making them. But the choice needs to be made. All we can do is keep going.

UPDATE
T just found out that his ex-girlfriend, the one right before me, is pregnant. She and her bf aren't married yet. She's older than T, and we knew she wants to have kids, but all we can say to this is, "For fuck's sake!"

What is normal?

We have submitted most of our paperwork to the cryobank where the sperm we are hoping to use is sitting in a vault, frozen. I sort of feel like I should be excited, but I am not. I do not, however, want to wait to move forward. I need to do this now.

I've read some people find their donor and just "know" it -- like love at first sight. I do not feel that way about our donor. He's just there. He seems fine. He is smart. He is in a similar line of work as T. He expressed a willingness to be known to the children that are created by his sperm. He seems to have a reasonable personality, but he doesn't really look like T. He doesn't have the cutest baby picture, but the people at the bank said he is good looking as an adult. He has some family medical history that isn't the greatest, but it's not too bad. He is soft-spoken. There he is.

I don't want to think about him much. Is this how I'm supposed to feel? Should I be excited? I really only feel sad.

I am still incredibly saddened by all of this. I know that this is normal. We are suffering a big loss. I know we aren't the only people in the world dealing with this, but I can't help almost feeling like a freak. I have never known anyone who has used donor gametes before. I know a few now, and I do find some comfort in that, but I absolutely cannot say that I am excited or I am looking forward to this or that it feels 'normal' yet. I know it will some day, but that day is not today.

My guess is that people are going to again suggest that we wait a little, but I am not willing to do that. My friend E's baby turned one a couple of weeks ago, and we were pregnant at the same time and due 4 months apart. I will not be childless by the time that child turns two. I think it will kill me. Besides, I am 35 and T is thinking about his 37th (even though it isn't until December) and we are not getting any younger. We want to have two children. Every month counts. I will not wait any longer.

T wasn't feeling well the last couple of days, and I think I may have caught whatever he had. My throat is sore, and I haven't slept well in a couple of days. I'm hoping I can go to bed early tonight.

Slightly better

I'm feeling slightly better today. I think we're going with choice number 1 -- not the closest in looks, but close in personality. When given the choice between the two, we think we're rather have our kids fit in personality wise more than looks wise. When T and I talked about adoption, T's biggest fear was not identifying with the kid's personality. I think this choice reduces that fear for T. I have printed out the paperwork from the bank so that we can get started.

I went to my career counselor today. I sort of freaked out and told her that I need a short term job solution, not a long term one. I have too much going on to try and spend time figuring out what to do with my life. My attention span is shot. I don't have energy to focus on my ideal job. My energy is focused elsewhere right now. I just want to do some concrete work, though I decided that being a cashier probably isn't the best idea when I might get pregnant. I was thinking of doing law dictophone work (thanks to a suggestion from LIW), but I am afraid of sitting at home and drowning in sadness and the unknown. I do much better when I am around other people and busy talking to them. We did some work on my resume and she helped me a bit with my cover letters. I found one job that I will apply to, but I need to look for more. I look and look and look and I don't seem to find anything I feel like I can do right now. I think she's going to help me with that too.

So, I guess our donor is chosen. We need to work on the paperwork to get this moving. I'm starting to go part time in a week and a half. Things are changing, and I hope it's for the better.

I feel frozen

We're back from our mini vacation. It was definitely nice to get away, and the weather was beautiful. We ate lots of food and ice cream, and we relaxed. We saw some birds and did a lot of reading, and of course I did a bunch of crafting. Needless to say, we are not excited about returning to work tomorrow.

We are still feeling sad, on and off. We are still trying to choose a donor, but we are having trouble. We didn't think too much about it this weekend, but upon arriving home I wanted to look at our candidates again. While looking, I just decided I didn't like any of them. I am on the mailing list for a "donor sibling registry" discussion group, and there is so much negativity on there, it's really freaking me out. Donor conceived children are complaining about their origins. Single mothers by choice are freaking out about their choice to bring a child into the world. People are complaining about the sperm banks and their screening processes. People have had experiences with samples having low sperm counts. I can go on. It's really depressing me. I feel like I need to stop reading all of this, but I can't. I want as much information as I can get so I can be prepared. This is just so hard. How do I choose the genes that are going to replace my husband's?

We purchased audio interviews of our top 3 candidates and we listened to them again today. I guess they're not so bad. We have 2 top candidates. I think our #1 candidate doesn't look that much like T, but it seems his personality is more like T's, we think. The #2 candidate looks a bit more like T, I think, but has a few personality traits that are pretty different. I just don't know how we're going to do this. How are we going to decide? Are we supposed to just close our eyes and point?

I need to contact the sperm bank so that we can work out our paperwork. I don't want to miss an opportunity for a cycle. But we need to decide first. Though, both our candidates are at one specific bank -- we haven't been able to find anyone we like at a different sperm bank. The UIs (user interface -- the way the searches work) is so different for each bank, and we have ended up finding this bank the most user friendly. It seems that we are looking for different characteristics than most other people. Hair and eye color and ethnicity are not the most important characteristics for us. It is difficult to wade through to find the information we want.

And in the end, no one is T and no one is good enough. We keep second guessing ourselves and our decisions that took us to this place. We have read recently that IVF fertilization favors unhealthy embryos in people with genetic disorders, so we are wondering if we should have just had sex with multiple follicles to see if we could get lucky that way. I know it's unreasonable to think this way, but we feel frozen, like we can't move on and can't decide.

This is so hard. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. We're still not sure about where we are going to do the insemination. Our current clinic charges more than twice as much as the one where there is all that red tape. I still think we can try at home, but I haven't brought it up with T again. I am overwhelmed. I feel like I can't go forward. I want to have a baby with my husband. I don't know what to do.

Thinking

Now that we know we have to choose a donor, the question is how. How do I choose the man whose sperm is going to replace my husbands?

Height, weight, eye and hair color?
Aptitude for math?
Shy but loving?
Blood type and family history?

We can't have everything. What should we sacrifice and what should we insist upon?

Before talking to our RE for follow up, I was sure we would go to one of the AI clinics for insemination. But the process is pretty insane, and I'm not sure if I have the patience for it. I want to do an insemination in about 6 weeks. I have already charted. In fact, I got pregnant three times via charting. We are well educated about this process. We have had every test imaginable, and we just want to move forward. So, after exploring the possibilities, I now want to try insemination from home for at least one cycle. T is not so enthusiastic about this idea. However, I am hoping to change his mind. I want to try one cycle -- just one -- from home. If that doesn't work, then we can go do something more intensive. We have been pregnant on the first try THREE times directly after me going off the pill. I will start the pill as soon as I start bleeding, so I just don't see why we can't do it our way one time. I understand why it leaves a bad taste in T's mouth, but he saw my embryo transfer, and lying there on the table with four people in the room and me spread-eagle and naked from the waist down seems something to avoid if I can.

I have a few 'favorites' from the sperm banks, but T and I have yet to go over them together. we should do that soon because there are bunches of paperwork to take care of before we can have the sperm in our (or the clinic's) grubby little hands.

This is still feeling overwhelming, but I am so eager to leave the depression behind and get the family stuff moving forward. This pain will be reduced when a baby is on the way. I have posted on a donor sperm site, and many have reached out to support me. I appreciate that. They remind me that what is important is that we will love our children more than we can imagine, and that most of the time we won't even think about the donor issue. I know that is true, but I still feel like we have to climb over an emotional hurdle to get there.

This will be my last post for a while. Happy Independence Day to my US friends. We are off to watch fireworks tonight, tomorrow I am visiting E and baby S (he turned 1 yesterday) and then I will have lunch with the lovely LIW. Then, Thursday night we are taking the ferry to Martha's Vineyard and won't be back until Monday night. I may be able to post from the Vineyard, my parents will be around and they don't know about my blog (and I don't want them to), so we shall see.

beta

As expected, my beta came back negative.

We feel bad. Not depressed per se, but kind of like we don't want to do anything because we don't really see the point. We sit and we know we have things to do, but we have no inner motivation to do anything. I left work a little early, but T, bless his heart, stayed. He always says he can't leave because he has so much to do. While I have no doubts that he does have so much to do, I think he deserves a break, especially on a day such as today.

We are going to Martha's Vineyard this weekend. We're taking Friday and Monday off of work. We will be with my parents (which is fine with me, but may bother T a little bit), but it's still better than sitting at home.

T bought an iPhone for himself this weekend. He really loves it, and yesterday it made him smile a lot. But I somehow doubt he'll be smiling when he comes home today. We think we might go out to dinner and drink some wine.

I feel like this post doesn't really convey how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm writing in this very matter-of-fact manner. And I'm sort of trying to approach this thing in a matter-of-fact way because what else can I do? This is my reality. It's what I have to deal with. My children will not be genetically related to my husband. My children will have half-siblings scattered around the country, possibly the world. The sperm of some man who is not my husband will swim around in my uterus.

I know that once I am pregnant (if such a thing will really happen -- lurking in this world has made me pretty skeptical) that we will be happy, and once we have a baby this won't weigh so heavy, but right now I am feeling pretty damn sorry for myself and my husband. This sucks. I am devastated.

Nope

It was negative. 100% lily white no doubt negative.

I can't say I'm not a little disappointed, but in the end it might be better this way. Having another miscarriage would be worse. Having that tiny bit of hope still there with me is harder. Now we can just mourn our losses and move on. Don't know what those twinges were. In fact, after I got the negative and went back to bed, I felt one. I kind of want to stop taking the progesterone now, but I feel like I have to wait until after the blood test. Is that stupid?

T is still sleeping. I know he is sad, but his response was, "Well, at least we have an answer," so I guess we can now look a donors together.

Even though I've expected to move on to donor all along, it's still a really weird concept to me. But we are going to do this together, and in the end, when we have a baby, it will all be worth it.

Feeling weird

I feel weird. I came home from work because I feel too weird. I feel lightheaded. Maybe I sort of feel nauseous, but not really. Maybe I'm just hungry. But I am exhausted. I just feel really bizarre, and not in a good way. I'm going to lie down.

freaking out

Thank god for blogs and wonderful people like ultimatejourney, Serenity and Lady In Waiting, because without them I'd be on the floor in a heap. I had decaf and dinner with ultimatejourney earlier this week, and I've been IMing with the other two ladies. Thanks for listening, all of you. It helps.

But I am still freaking out. I just want an answer. I will POAS on Saturday. That is only two wake-ups away. I sort of want to do it tomorrow, but I'm not going to. I just want to go to work still not knowing. I will do it Saturday. But I just want to know.

Not that if it's positive it really means anything. But I'm definitely feeling cramps and twinges. My b00bs were hurting a lot until today. This morning I was sure it was over, but then I got more cramps and twinges again. So I just don't know.

I just want to know!

It's hot

It's extremely hot in the Boston area today. It hit 94 (and humid) at the airport. We are having the outside of our house painted, and apparently the heat and humidity kept the painters away. We decided it was time to put in the air conditioning units. It's helping, but slowly. Hopefully it will be cool enough to sleep tonight. I don't love air conditioning, but on a night like this, it is nice.

T came to therapy with me this morning. We talked a lot about the implications of sperm donation. We did tell her our story, and she did snicker in that "If it weren't so sad it would be funny," kind of way (which is how T and I are feeling about this whole thing right now). One of the things I really like about my therapist (D) is she doesn't give us that false, "Well, you never know!" attitude that the nurses at our RE's office do. T and I are realists. We realize that this IVF working out is quite remote, and we need to make contingency plans. When I say to D, "We think this isn't going to work," she will reply, "Well, it probably won't." I like that.

We are planning to tell our child that s/he is donor conceived. T and I have agreed on this all along, and we think it is what is best for the child and for us. We don't want to walk around worried that our child will 'discover' his/her true origins. We want our child to always know that this is where s/he came from, and think that it is a normal part of who s/he is. But we always figured that though it isn't a secret, it just wouldn't come up much.

What we didn't think about is how three year olds like to share things they know with random people. So, when said three year old goes to preschool, we will have to prepare the teachers for if or when that information comes up. We don't want to put our kid in a situation where, if for some reason s/he comes out with this info that a different adult will try and 'correct' what our kid has been told. I just hadn't thought about stuff like that before. It's weird.

As far has how I'm feeling 3dp5dt, my b00bs are sore, which they were before transfer due to all the progesterone I'm shoving up my hoo-ha. I'm definitely feeling something in my uterus, but I can't say that it's 'twinges' or 'cramps.' I have had one or two cramps today, but in general I'm just aware that my uterus is there. It sort of feels heavy. I can't explain it more than that. I've also been tired and somewhat cranky, but when it's 94 and humid, everybody feels that way.

I went to see the career counselor today as well. I think it was good. I think she will help me. She will help me get out of the trap I feel I am in right now, and then she will help me head toward some work that I will want to do in the future. I liked her. She gave me homework. I think that's good.

So, all and all I think we're doing pretty well, all things considered.

Oh, and here's a caterpillar I crocheted.

still 3%

The worst part of this process, in my opinion, is the morning of the transfer when we are waiting for that phone call to be canceled. We know it is coming, but we have to spend the morning pretending it's not, just in case a miracle happens. I was very concerned because I had acupuncture scheduled, and I didn't want to go in to acupuncture before we were certain there would be a transfer. We started driving to the clinic and I stared at my phone to ring. It finally did when we were about ten minutes away.

One of the cells from one of the embryos they biopsied had no nucleus. When there is no nucleus, they cannot see the chromosomes in order to perform PGD. Two of our embryos came back from PGD and were diagnosed as unbalanced. Though they may have grown normally, as some of our other unbalanced embryos have, we know they are not healthy and they will be discarded. The remaining one, we know became a blastocyst, but has completely unknown chromosomal status. We could transfer it and wait, or discard it.

We chose to transfer it. How could we not?

We asked what it meant that it didn't have a nucleus. Dr. On Call said it could be a sign that it's not a good embryo and it won't implant, or it could be just a fluke. The embryo could have healthy chromosomes, or it could be an unbalanced embryo. We just have no way of knowing. He did recommend transferring it, though, since it is our last IVF and we don't want to leave IVF and move on to donor with anything left out there as a 'what if.' He is right. It just means more uncertainty and more waiting.

So, I've finally had an embryo transfer. I even did the pre- and post-transfer acupuncture. The chances of this embryo being healthy is incredibly small, but this is what we had to do. T and I agreed that we are totally done if this doesn't work. We will not try on our own again. If this doesn't work we are going straight to donor.

So, maybe it will stick and maybe if it won't. I'm kind of dreading the possibility of having a fourth miscarriage. I'm not even sure what to hope for. Do I want a BFP? I can't tell. A BFP will only mean more waiting. I'm terrified of delaying this process more. I was looking for some closure today, and of course we didn't get any. But, there is the smallest of tiniest chances, and we couldn't just dispose of that tiny chance like it was garbage.

So, beta is set for Monday July 2, but you can bet a million dollars that I will POAS one week from today. That will be 7dp5dt. That's plenty of time for the stick to know.

Trying to cope

Our embryo transfer is scheduled for Saturday. I also scheduled acupuncture. I expect the whole thing to be canceled, but it's scheduled just in case.

I have received a few comments from those of you who have had transfers after retrieving 5 or fewer eggs and/or having 3 or fewer eggs fertilize. While I appreciate your positivity, what you are not realizing is we are doing PGD for a balanced translocation. Without going into details about what that means (you can click on the link of you like) what it boils down to is that only about 10% of embryos are healthy. So, with three embryos there is about a 3% chance that one of our embryos is healthy. This is why I am so negative about there being a transfer. Oh, and if, by some miracle one of these embryos is healthy, there is then a 50% chance that I will pass this translocation on to our child so that he or she will have the same infertility issues that we are having.

Poor T is despondent over all of this. He really thinks everything will not be okay in the end. I hate to see him like this, in such pain. I feel like it's sort of crazy that all of this stuff is happening to us. I just can't believe it. I know it will get easier as time passes, but being in stuck in the middle of it all right now is just awful. We had talked about trying on our own again before moving on to donor, but I'm not sure I think that is the right thing any more. I want to think about these things, but I want to give T some space to grieve. We haven't even received the final answer yet.

So I think I'm not going to try to talk to him about it until after Saturday when we get the final word and then give him a few more days. We are going to my therapist together on Tuesday, so maybe that will help a little in starting the conversation.

I started looking at donors again yesterday. There are a couple that look okay. But as I'm going through these donors, I still can't believe that T isn't going to be biologically related to this child.
I worry about how the child will react to being donor conceived. I am also starting to get worried about whether I can still get pregnant or not. Because I am such a poor responder to the medications, that is not a good indicator of my future fertility. It may take months for me to get pregnant again. Should I even try to get pregnant without some medication?

At work, I was completely unable to focus on anything. Neither my boss nor any of my coworkers were in today. I was tempted to just leave, but we had a volunteer coming in this afternoon. I did have some things to work on, but as I have no ability to focus, I can't seem to force myself to try and work on anything. After waiting for the volunteer to arrive for a long, long time, I decided I couldn't wait any more and I finally left. She arrived about 20 minutes after I left. Sigh.

I have sent out several resumes, but I have only heard back from one place, and I determined it was not the right job for me. I contacted two career counselors. The first one was very expensive, so I wasn't sure about going, but the second one seemed much more reasonable, so I have an appointment with her next week. There are very few jobs that I want without additional training, and my resume just doesn't motivate people to contact me, except for research jobs, which I don't feel like I want any more.

This is all so overwhelming. I'm having trouble reconciling it all. All I want to do is sit at home and craft. But I go to work, waste time and get paid for it. I just feel like everything is a waste.

Update:
T informed me that I forgot to tell his work story today. In the managers' meeting at his work, his boss announced another pregnancy in the group (a close co-worker's wife) and then he said something like, "How many does that make in the last year?" and they proceeded to count off all of the offspring that had been born. And to top that off, one of his co-workers brought in his baby and was showing him off. I told T to go downstairs to get away from the oo-ing and ah-ing. He did, but when T came back upstairs, the new dad was there with the kid saying, "Oh! Here's T! We haven't seen him yet!" Poor T.

fertilization

Only 3 fertilized.

It's pretty much over.

T and I will not be having biological children together.

It's on to the next step. Sperm donation.

We will get the final word on Saturday.

retrieval

They got 5 eggs. Not really what we were hoping for, but it's more than the other two times. Neither of us are feeling optimistic, but this is how it is. I will update more tomorrow.

Trigger

I triggered last night a the BBISP. It was weird to stash my shots in someone else's fridge and just take it out and stick myself in someone else's kitchen. But I wasn't the only one on stims at the party, and it was so comforting to be out in the open. I would like to thank the lovely Lady in Waiting for use of her beautiful home, and it was so nice to see other bloggers in person. I'm so glad I went.

Right now I'm pretty paranoid that I ovulated. I had some major cm on Friday, and now I don't have much of anything. I also can't feel my ovaries any more. I also felt some ovulation-like pain in my right ovary yesterday. I'm also not feeling quite as insane as I have been. It could be all in my head, but I am on a micro-dose of Lu*pron and I wouldn't be the first person to ovulate despite it. Though, I could just be paranoid and everything is fine. I guess I'll find out tomorrow morning.

Today for Father's Day we are going to my parents to have dinner with both of my brothers and their wives and children. Today is a shitty day for poor T who lost his father 5 years ago and who is being stymied at his efforts to become a father himself. He is now medicating himself by playing his brand new video game. It seems to be working for now, though I anticipate him feeling sadder when he's around my nieces and nephew.

It's sunny and warm today, and I'm going to go weed my garden for a little bit. Then I will shower and we will drive over to my parents' house. We will come home and go to bed, and tomorrow we will be at the clinic by 8 am for my retrieval. I hope I don't puke this time.

Things are happening

My follicle count this morning had 4 measurable follicles on each ovary. That's 8, folks. And I think there were a couple of smaller ones still growing. The lead follicle was pretty big. So, it's just one monitoring for me. I trigger Saturday night, and retrieval is Monday. It's funny how I feel like I knew from the start that my retrieval would be Monday. Who needs a doctor for this process? Oh, except for the retrieval.

Saturday night is also the BBISP (Big Boston Infertile Sleepover Party) so I'm hoping that's a good omen. I'm not sleeping over (nor am I drinking) but I'm hoping the synchronicity is a good omen.

I didn't cry after this follicle count. I think this is the first time. I think it was a combination of the number not being too bad and my lack of hope for this cycle. It has a chance to work, but it probably won't. That's all there is.

I have my list of fears for this cycle. We may not have as many follicles as we like. We might have follicles but not a lot of eggs. We may have a lot of eggs but no healthy embryos. We may have a healthy embryo but it won't stick. This last one is the big one. My hugest fear. There it is. In black and white.

But now I have a little more info. The follicle count, while better, still doesn't indicate there will be more than 10 eggs, so our chances are still pretty small. But here we go. This is it. The final cycle. I want to say that I hope it works, but I don't think I can go there. But deep down inside, that is what I want.

Monitoring and more

I had my first blood test yesterday morning. My E2 was over 700 (it's CD 5) and so my Go.nal-F dosage was reduced to a mere (ha!) 300 iu. I can definitely feel my ovaries. I have my first ultrasound with a follicle count on Friday morning. Wait, that's tomorrow, isn't it? Tomorrow.

Yesterday, I finally spoke with my boss about my job situation. I kept it very general and she didn't get defensive, which is a big deal. She has a tendency to get defensive. Of course, I cried. I feel like I cry every day at work. But I told her that I had some chaos at home, and that work was also very chaotic, and that I needed some sort of change. We got the resume of someone qualified to do a part of my job. Actually, she can do the financial stuff that I was forced but don't know how to do, plus help with another part of my job that I had agreed to. So, if we could hire her, I wouldn't have to feel like I abandoned the group. And, I could still do the database work at my job on a part time basis. Now, like everything at my work, this is all up in the air. I don't know exactly what will happen, but we are interviewing that potential person today. This all came up because we were talking about money to hire people, and I wanted to volunteer some of my salary to hire people since I knew I don't want to -- can't -- stay at my job the way it is right now. One of the best things to come out of this is that my boss acknowledged how chaotic it is to work for our group right now. It's crazy. So, we shall see what happens with this woman today.

T was just in the shower and the water turned brown. We live on a city line, and they're doing street work in the city next door. They turned on a hydrant on our street, and it affected the water pressure and the cleanliness of the water. I went outside and explained to the guy that it's affecting out water and we don't live in the city where he's doing work. I'm sure the folks in the other city were warned about water effects, but we weren't. I'm not showered yet. Oy.

The seats we had at the baseball game were incredible. Unfortunately, both the weather and the game sucked. But I was happy to be there for a little while, and T said that he was happy to see the happy, bouncy Rachel that he used to know. We are so sad all of the time now. And of course, him saying he misses the old me made me sad. There is no part of life IF doesn't touch.

I'm off to do my morning shot.

Surviving

I cried again at work yesterday. It's the combination of the nature of my office and the hormones. I really feel like my boss has no idea how awful it is to work there. I've tried to talk to her about it in the past, but it hasn't worked. I think I need to try again. She is out of the office today, and I've decided to work from home. I'm trying to come up with a strategy for talking to her. Do I mention my 'home' issues? She knows about them in the abstract. I suppose it would be okay to say the chaos at home combined with the chaos at work is just too much. Perhaps I should stay away from the word chaos, however. But I want to be able to tell her how awful work is without making her feel defensive. And I feel like if I say it's a combination of elements, both my own and ones from work, that is the best angle to work from. I'll keep thinking about it.

Both T and I had a terrible day yesterday. We didn't sleep that well Sunday night, and perhaps we had some reaction to spending time with baby S. He's such a good baby and so much fun to be around. It's so sad that something so good and happy can make us so, so sad. Though, when we got home I did manage to make T smile a little. That is a good thing.

I have my first blood draw tomorrow. Then after work we're going to see the Red Sox. I called to ask if it was okay to do my shots late and they said it's no problem. I'm always quite exact about taking my shots. I've brought them out with me so that I can do them on time. But I really didn't want to bring them to Fenway Park. So I don't have to. This is a good thing.

Working from home is nice. Maybe I'll apply for some jobs while I'm at it. Is that bad?

Weekend

I had a lovely coffee with ultimatejourney this morning. I sort of felt like I complained the whole time, but it's definitely nice to spend time with someone who really understands the emotional ins and outs of this whole process. I appreciate that she is such a good listener. I'm a bit of a mess right now, so I take every opportunity to unload all my crap. Hope I didn't scare her away...

Last night T and I had a discussion about this cycle. It wasn't a very good one. I told him how I really felt like this cycle wouldn't work. I guess at some point I said I had no hope that it would work. He took this to mean that I didn't hope that it would work. This really hurt him.

That is not what I meant. Of course I hope it works. The ideal outcome of this cycle is that I will be pregnant with a healthy baby that is genetically related to both of us. I just really don't think that is what the outcome will be. We had talked about how difficult these cycles are for me, and how I don't like doing them. However, we decided together that I need to go through this third IVF to make sure that we tried everything we could to try to have a baby together.

T feels like I've left him behind. He has some hope that this cycle might work. See, there is that language that got us all tripped up last night. It's that horrible word. Hope. I have mentally moved on from these IVFs. I don't think they will work, so I am not emotionally invested in the process. I am going through the physical process, which you know is not easy, but I'm not invested in the idea that it will work.

It's a huge process. I have 4 shots per day, plus monitoring, plus the egg retrieval. The hormones alter my attention span, the way I think and the way I feel. I tried to explain to T that just like I can't understand what it's like to carry the translocation, he can't understand what it is like to go through a cycle. He didn't like that. In general, T is a very empathetic man. He appreciates me, and tells me this on a regular basis. He tells me he loves me every day. He constantly tells me how lucky he is to be married to me. I know that other people's husbands do not do things like this, and I think I am lucky to be married to such a sweet man. Despite this, he still can't understand what it's like to go through the IVF process.

He constantly feels guilty that he is putting me through this. He feels guilty that he carries this translocation. I try to tell him that it is not his fault, but he doesn't believe it.

One of my biggest fears is passing the translocation to our children. I told him this last night, and that is when I lost it. He took this to mean that I've moved on and that I don't want to have children with him. He still hopes that we can have a child together. I am just at a loss. I just want a child. I feel like I no longer care who our child is genetically related to. I just want a child. Sometimes I wish I was the one with the translocation. That way we would go ahead with donor egg and we would both be okay.

T is afraid that he won't bond with a child that isn't genetically related to him. This is probably a common fear, but I just don't believe that it is true. Once I am pregnant or we have a baby in the house, I just know he will love it so much. Raising a child is important to him, and when it is here, that is all he will care about. I just don't know how to convince him that this is true.

He says that it's easy for me to say because our child most likely will be genetically related to me. Maybe. But I still think it is true. No matter how we end up getting our children, we will love them unconditionally. I wish I could make him believe that.

All of this is just so hard. It's so unfair. There are no good answers. I guess we have to just sit back and wait to see what happens.

stuck

I gave myself my first micro dose Lu*pron shot this morning. Hope it doesn't make me insane like the Lu*pron did last time. I'm hoping the dilution makes the side effects much smaller. I really don't need any help in the crazy department these days. So cycle #3, the final cycle is under way.

I also have a phone interview this morning. It's for a job I don't really want, but it's for a company in the education field, which is why I applied for it. The job is too administrative for me, however. But I will have the interview just to see what they say. I applied for another job last night as well.

The painters are here to wash the house this morning. That means this whole painting thing is really going to happen! I'm still really excited about it.

Insane work anecdote:
We were in a meeting talking about hiring new people. We have been interviewing for a few weeks and have 2 candidates for 2 jobs where references have been checked and we're ready to go. My boss says, "Great! Let's do it! We're all set." And we ask, "Do we have the funds to pay them?" And my boss says, "Oh. Well, except for that."

Okay, people. I work for an insane person. How are we supposed to offer a job to someone when we don't have any money to pay them? And how does someone who doesn't understand that run a group?

Can't Explain

Had another breakdown at work today. I left and worked from home. I was actually productive at home, and I felt a lot better.

As you know, I don't like my job very much. I am often asked to do things that other people designate as something I'm responsible for when it's completely out of my purview and I really don't know anything about it at all. So, I got an email saying one of the Docs told this person that I could help her with some specifics on a topic about which I only know a small amount. I got frustrated. I complained to some co-workers, which is something I do way too often. One of the co-workers suggested that maybe I should find another job. I freaked out. I told her I was looking. I told her I was sick of feel like crap all of the time. I freaked out more. She was, of course, shocked. I tried to cover by saying I wasn't mad at her, but I was mad at the situation. I left (perhaps stormed) out of the office.

Back in my office, I started to bawl. I called T. He tried to calm me down. I considered starting to work part time. Work tends to come in fits and starts, and I can do much of my work from home, so maybe I can work more from home and only work when there is work to do. T thought this was reasonable. It didn't calm me down much. T told me to go home. I decided T was right, and I went into the co-workers' office, and the one that I freaked out at had left. Others were there and I told them, with my tear-streaked face, that I was going to work from home. They asked if everything was okay. They answered themselves saying that clearly, no, not everything is alright, but I'm going to go home. One said if I wanted to talk, she was there for me. I thought that was nice. This woman has a bt (an one healthy son), so she totally understands. But I didn't want to talk.

When I got home, I emailed the person who had left and apologized. She's a psychologist and she told me not to worry about it.

I complain to much at work. Everybody is having a hard time at work. Working where I work is difficult. Everybody is frustrated. I make it worse by complaining so much. But I can't help it. Complaining at therapy once a week just isn't cutting it these days. I am sad so much of the time, and my injections start soon and it's just going to get worse. Sigh.

Speaking of which, my meds came in the mail today. I'm going to be injecting a hell of a lot of drugs into my system soon. The doctor upped my doses by a lot again. Maybe it will help.

Oy. I just feel like I'm at such a loss. I have no idea how to help myself, and I hate that. I feel like the things I'm trying, like therapy and acupuncture are helping a little bit, but it's clearly not enough. I need to start meditating, but I don't. I should exercise more, but I don't. I will weed my garden this weekend, but that's just one, small thing.

I've made plans to for T and I to hang out with E&R and baby S this weekend. I've been feeling guilty because I haven't seen them in so long. Yes, I had dinner with E, but I haven' t seen S or R in probably 2 months. That makes me feel bad. I used to see them 3 or more times a month. I remember when E was really, really pregnant and thinking how things will never be the same again, and then I think how right I was. Things are just so different now.

Thinking is a funny thing. I need to stop. I need to do some more crafting because that, to me, is satisfying.

Lazy Sunday

Woke up this morning and went for a walk with my friend S. It was nice to be up and about. The weather was a little bit cool, but that is good when you're exercising. T and I are sharing a CSA box with S and her husband. We start getting vegies this week! So exciting!

After the walk, T and I stuffed ourselves with hot dogs! Yum! I don't know why, but I just love hot dogs. I know that they're generally pretty disgusting, but I, and my entire family, love them. So, it's fun to eat all different sorts of hot dogs to compare and see which one is best, especially when it's for charity. I like Pearl hot dogs and Kelly's hot dogs, but those I mostly like because they grill and butter the bun. Yum!

Then we went shopping for lamp shades. We bought lamps for our living room, but the store didn't have matching shades, so we went hunting for some. After looking at a few stores, we decided just to order them online, so that's what I did.

Oh, and yesterday our painter came over and we discussed color for the house. We are all set. We are due for a power wash of the outside this week, and they will start scraping and painting next week. I can't wait! This is our last huge project in our house (at least for a while) and it is going to look so good. I'm very excited.

Lastly, I finished another crochet animal today. Here is my little mouse.

Next, I am knitting a caterpillar.

Not much

I feel like I should blog, but I'm not sure what to blog about. I met with the recruiter. It was okay. We mutually decided that the job I responded to was not for me (it was too administrative), but he had just spoken with some people from an overseas company who have just opened an office in the Boston area who are looking for someone. It's tangentially related to education, which suits my background (partially). So, I figure if they want to interview me, I'll interview. It wasn't a job that knocked my socks off, but I'm keeping an open mind.

Monday is my last BCP. I start injections on Thursday morning. At dinner last night I brought up the concept of trying naturally this month and delaying our IVF cycle because of all my stress. T thought it was a bad idea. He wants to go ahead. I'm not so sure it's a bad idea per se, but I understand why he doesn't want to do it. So, we're going ahead with the cycle. I wish I could feel something aside from quasi-dread about it, but I don't. I'm not sure what to make of it.

We are having our house painted (on the outside) starting this weekend. I'm excited, but also nervous. I'm not sure why I'm nervous, but I am. But our house is peeling really bad, so this will be a good thing. We have a brand new roof, so our house will have had a total makeover.

Sunday I'm going for a walk around a pond with a friend, and then we are going to have all-you-can eat hot dogs for charity. Yum!