We have submitted most of our paperwork to the cryobank where the sperm we are hoping to use is sitting in a vault, frozen. I sort of feel like I should be excited, but I am not. I do not, however, want to wait to move forward. I need to do this now.
I've read some people find their donor and just "know" it -- like love at first sight. I do not feel that way about our donor. He's just there. He seems fine. He is smart. He is in a similar line of work as T. He expressed a willingness to be known to the children that are created by his sperm. He seems to have a reasonable personality, but he doesn't really look like T. He doesn't have the cutest baby picture, but the people at the bank said he is good looking as an adult. He has some family medical history that isn't the greatest, but it's not too bad. He is soft-spoken. There he is.
I don't want to think about him much. Is this how I'm supposed to feel? Should I be excited? I really only feel sad.
I am still incredibly saddened by all of this. I know that this is normal. We are suffering a big loss. I know we aren't the only people in the world dealing with this, but I can't help almost feeling like a freak. I have never known anyone who has used donor gametes before. I know a few now, and I do find some comfort in that, but I absolutely cannot say that I am excited or I am looking forward to this or that it feels 'normal' yet. I know it will some day, but that day is not today.
My guess is that people are going to again suggest that we wait a little, but I am not willing to do that. My friend E's baby turned one a couple of weeks ago, and we were pregnant at the same time and due 4 months apart. I will not be childless by the time that child turns two. I think it will kill me. Besides, I am 35 and T is thinking about his 37th (even though it isn't until December) and we are not getting any younger. We want to have two children. Every month counts. I will not wait any longer.
T wasn't feeling well the last couple of days, and I think I may have caught whatever he had. My throat is sore, and I haven't slept well in a couple of days. I'm hoping I can go to bed early tonight.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I wish things were easier for you. I hope you and T feel better.
I looked at all the sperm banks that our clinic recommended and I didn't look at any specific one and think...this one is the best! (although I think I'm partial to the CA one) I did find one guy, who was an engineer as my hubby is, and it said that he is no longer supplying his goods. None of them really stood out.
We're not quite at the point where we have to pick yet (I have to get my fertility checked, but there isn't any reason to worry that I know of), I can see how it will be difficult. I told my husband that I wanted us to select together and I somehow think that it will be me and he'll be able to reject.
I think it's totally normal to grieve. The loss of what you always thought you would have, what you had always interpreted as 'normal' is very real.
I don't know anyone in real life who has done DI either and I feel like a freak in some ways. The doctor did tell me that 1 in 500 males are born infertile. Those are pretty high odds so I'm amazed that we don't hear about it more often. It's like a dirty secret. Luckily for me we live in a pretty liberal area, but I don't want people to say that's Trace's daughter they did donor insemination you know.
Anyway, my best friend has had 2 CHILDREN in the time that we investigated adoption, worked w/an agency, and decided to try DI so I do know the pain of friends having babies around you while you cannot. There isn't much to say other than it sucks.
I really think that it is good for you to do what works for you now. You have tried other routes and your experiences have confirmed where you will end up. I don't see any reason to wait really. You can grieve while you down-reg. You have lots of time before you actually have to go through with the procedure - right?
Also, I know for sure how you feel about the age thing... My hubby and I were ready to do whatever was suggested to get that 1st child underway (hubby is 48 I'm 34).
Go with your gut Chickie - you will find your way through the fog and be happy you are on your way to being a happy family.
I'll be saying a few little prayers for you guys.
I don't know what normal is in this situation. I know grieving for sure is normal. So is the frustration and confusion.
i think there is no normal in this situation, so whatever you feel just is what it is and you don't have any choice but to feel it and get through it and you're doing that the best you can. i hope these difficult early stages of dealing with DI will soon be replaced by hope and joy and a lifetime of love.
Post a Comment