Thursday, October 30, 2008


Feeling slightly better today. I still have major inferiority complexes when it comes to my work, and I don't enjoy seeing people I knew when I was actually successful at things (yes, that was high school - how depressing) and letting them see me now. I'm embarrassed about what I do, to be honest. It might be a little better when I am actually doing my new job, but that is still not going to be for a while now.

I'm really not liking my job these days and I can't wait to start the new one. This was just not what I needed right now.

T stayed home from work today because they had a children's Halloween parade with all of the 30 kids under 5 in his office that he's had to watch people have over the last few years while we were left behind. He's not going in tomorrow either, to avoid the aftermath. And pictures. And while he was home he tried to fix something but ended up breaking it more. This has really bummed him out.

And it sucks when we're both bummed out.

But I carved a pumpkin and baked some pumpkin seeds, so that was a little good. And my jack-o-lantern looks good. We have lots of candy for lots of kids tomorrow. And I'm sure we'll eat tons of candy. Too much. I'm going to be gaining weight, I'm sure. Ugh.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I hate

Do you know what I hate? I hate when people I went to high school with show up unexpectedly in my life. Then I see how successful they are and how they have kids and have accomplished things in their life when I, who usually was better than them in school, have no career, a crappy job and no kids. I sit there, seeing them in all of their adult success while I have to sit there and feel embarrassed that I do fucking tech support in some crappy half job that someone without even a college degree can complete. I have failed at every job I have had and at trying to have kids and I have had to resort to some dumb job where I don't even have to really think in order to get by because I have had all of my pregnancies and IVFs fail and I can't even use my degree, which was a ridiculous degree to begin with, and I have absolutely nothing to show for my education and my intelligence.

I have a good husband, and I love him so much. We have a wonderful marriage. I really am grateful for that.

But aside from that, my life sucks.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


I'm sick today.

I was feeling crappy yesterday. I almost went home early, but I felt a little better in the afternoon. But I didn't feel up to pretending to not feel like crap today, so here I am. I took a couple of naps and now I am warming up some soup.

Yesterday I got to go to a meeting in my new department. It was awesome! It's full of people like me who care whether or not there is a hyphen in drop-down and whether or not website is one word or two. I can't believe it's going to be so long until I can start! But I felt comfortable there and I was chomping at the bit to start working there. But I have to be patient.

There's nothing much else going on. Next week we have the 'expanding our search' meeting and we will soon be hooking up with that facilitator I've been talking to (unless something new and unexpected comes up.)

Soup's ready.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Toward the weekend

A few good things:

1)I got one of the jobs I applied for.

It doesn't start for another 3-5 months, but I am told that when the position opens up officially and there's some work to do on the specific project, I will have a job. I do not need to interview again. They really liked me and think I'm a good fit. So I got the job. At some point.

Hmmm... something about that scenario seems familiar....

2)I get to work from home tomorrow!

We're testing out some software and I get to work from home all day tomorrow which is a rare treat. I do not have a flexible job and things like this rarely come up. So working from home on a Friday seems super excellent.

3) We printed out 5 full copies of our profile. It looks really good. I've decided to crochet the pages together instead of using a ribbon because we're more crafty people than ribbon-y people. So I'm figuring out how that works. But it looks really good. Somehow, though, picking it up made me a little sad. But it's okay.

Today is my nephew's birthday. He's 12. I can't believe it. Just shocking. Wow. He's such a good kid. Time is weird.

I think that's all that's going on right now. I guess things are kind of okay. Looking forward to the weekend.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

All's Quiet

I finished my three adoption books. I think I learned a lot from them. I gave Secret Thoughts to my mother to read because I thought it would help her understand better. My brother and SIL never said much about L's adoption and how she or they would approach the issues that might come up. They didn't educate us much about adoption. It was never a secret or something shameful. It just was.

Now that we're approaching becoming adoptive parents, we're taking a very different stance. We want to tell everybody all about it. Once an actual baby comes home things will shift, but we want to educate first. I think some of the differences between our situations is that they choose adoption after they had been matched -- it was a parent initiated adoption. They never went into a waiting pool so the situation was very different.

Anyway, if you haven't read The Kid by Dan Savage, I can't recommend it enough. Though there are some differences in the situation as they are a gay couple and didn't deal with infertility in the same way most of us have, he is sensitive to the concept of infertility, and he really speaks to openness in adoption and the implications of raising a child genetically related to someone else.

The most insightful part to me is when they take The Kid home and how it affects his birth mother as well as how it affects Dan and Terry. It is incredibly moving, and it really encapsulates all of the difficulties that are part of the adoptive process. To enter into adoption with eyes wide open is incredibly important, and it helped me to share their story and do just that. Along with the birth mothers I heard from a couple weeks ago at our Adoption Agency meeting and this book, I feel like I am preparing myself for what adoption will truly be like.

So, I'm still feeling contemplative about all of this. Doing a lot of thinking and not a lot of doing. Not much else is going on. The weather is getting cold, the leaves are turning, and I'm thinking about life.

Oh, and I think T and I have decided to sell our two vials of donor sperm back to the cryobank. I don't think we're going to do any more dIUIs.

And if the Routan commercials with Brooke Shields piss you off as much as they piss me off, complain to them by clicking on Contact Us at the bottom of this page. I told them that I now hate the Volkswagen brand since they started these commercials -- and I used to own one.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Show and Tell

I just finished myself a purse! I absolutely love it. And I did the zipper so well! Yay me!

Saturday, October 11, 2008


Have you seen those horrible Routan commercials? They're making me want to put a hatchet in the TV. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!


So, in my sadness I bought some books. I bought the Dan Savage The Kid book, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother and Making Room In Our Hearts. I'm almost done with Secret Thoughts. It makes a lot of sense to me. It is good to be reading these things and putting myself in someone else's head, I think. She has gone through this and is just writing what she feels. It's almost like reading someone's blog, I think.

In Making Room, it is really interesting to read the birth parents' point of view and the adoptees' point of view of how all of this open adoption stuff works. What I especially like is it's the perspective of older children or adoptees that are now adults and have grown up with open adoption. This is the part that I feel the least comfortable with. It's not the part while we're raising our children that freaks me out as much as what happens after our children are adults. So, this book is helping me get a peek of what it will be like.

I spoke again with our facilitator last night. I still like her. I think I may even start filling out her application. I really think we will be going in that direction, but I don't want to commit until we have our agency meeting that discusses search expansion. I told this to her and she understood. She thinks it's good that we are doing all of this research before making a commitment. She understands that this is an important decision and it has to be the right fit. This is why I like her.

T has to work today, so I am home by myself. I think I may go to a craft store that is closing and see what is left and on sale. I am also going to work more on the book. It is done, but we decided to double side it so I need to move things around so that the holes we punch in it don't pierce any words or pictures.

Hanging in....

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Having troubles

Last night we went to a meeting with the agency that is required before our adoption can become complete. We talked a lot about birth parents. Two birth moms came in and spoke to us. It was amazing. It was moving. These women are amazing. It's incredible what they have done.

It was also heart breaking.

Sometimes I question my ability to do this. Then I look at my niece L. And my cousin's wife. And my former co-worker. And some of my delightful fellow bloggers. They're all doing fine. I can do this.

But still, it's difficult to feel anything but that adoption is making the best of a bad situation. As heartbroken as these birth moms were, nothing could convince them that they made the wrong decision. They love their children fiercely. Reading letters and seeing pictures of their children thriving is bittersweet, but it definitely helps to reinforce their own ideas that they made the proper decision.

I'm just feeling loss on so many levels right now. I feel the losses of birth parents, of adoptees and of adoptive parents. Right now I am thinking the most about the losses of the birth parents. I really identified with the story of one of the birth moms there. I was listening and crying, and I am just feeling empty about this.

At least I got some good questions to ask the facilitator about birth mother counseling and such. We have two more meetings to go to. I think our agency does a really good job with all of this stuff, which is comforting.

But I'm just in a weird place right now. I guess I am grieving again. I'm sure I'm grieving for myself, but I also feel like I'm grieving for the birth mothers too. I don't know what's going on. All I know is I feel sad.

I'm going to temple tomorrow and I'm supposed to atone. I'm sure atoning would probably be good for me right now, but I just can't bring myself to do it too much right now. But I will sit with my family and I will think about all of these things.

And I hope that I can be forgiven by anybody to whom I have done wrong.

Thursday, October 02, 2008


I'm still here. Things are okay. Thank you for all of your kind words. It definitely lifted my spirits.

Incidentally I immediately applied for another job and had another interview today. This one went better than the other one, so it's time for me to wait again. I'll be less devastated if I don't get this one as I'm already prepared for what that feels like. But I'm feeling reasonably good about it. I dunno.

Rosh Hashanah was okay. I went to temple with my parents and my brother. There were all these discussions about the barren women in the bible. Sarah was barren until god gave her Isaac. And the Haftorah talks about Hannah and how she weeps and won't eat because she is barren. It made me sad. And there were some babies there, too. Dinner was good. My chicken soup with matzoh balls came out super yummy.

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. We don't have much in the way of plans. We're going to watch the debate and stay up late tomorrow watching the Red Sox. Have a good weekend!