Things are happening

My follicle count this morning had 4 measurable follicles on each ovary. That's 8, folks. And I think there were a couple of smaller ones still growing. The lead follicle was pretty big. So, it's just one monitoring for me. I trigger Saturday night, and retrieval is Monday. It's funny how I feel like I knew from the start that my retrieval would be Monday. Who needs a doctor for this process? Oh, except for the retrieval.

Saturday night is also the BBISP (Big Boston Infertile Sleepover Party) so I'm hoping that's a good omen. I'm not sleeping over (nor am I drinking) but I'm hoping the synchronicity is a good omen.

I didn't cry after this follicle count. I think this is the first time. I think it was a combination of the number not being too bad and my lack of hope for this cycle. It has a chance to work, but it probably won't. That's all there is.

I have my list of fears for this cycle. We may not have as many follicles as we like. We might have follicles but not a lot of eggs. We may have a lot of eggs but no healthy embryos. We may have a healthy embryo but it won't stick. This last one is the big one. My hugest fear. There it is. In black and white.

But now I have a little more info. The follicle count, while better, still doesn't indicate there will be more than 10 eggs, so our chances are still pretty small. But here we go. This is it. The final cycle. I want to say that I hope it works, but I don't think I can go there. But deep down inside, that is what I want.

trigger

Talked to the RE. I am a poor responder (duh) and likely have low ovarian reserve, even though my FSH didn't show that. Maybe I've really deteriorated over the last year. I think I haven't had a test in about a year. But this is excellent news in time for my 35th birthday. Hurray!

Tonight is trigger. I have a 23, a 20, an almost 16, a 15, a 12 and a 10. So maybe, just maybe, that's 4 eggs. I had seriously considered canceling, but T and I really thought about it and discussed, and we're going ahead with the retrieval on Saturday. We'll see what we get from that. We'll do PGD anyway -- we did it with two embryos last time. And we'll see what happens.

And if (when) that one doesn't work, we will have one more go around with diluted Lu*pron, which is a protocol for poor responders. T wants to give it one last go before we quit entirely. I will comply, but in the mean time we are going to seriously look in to donor sperm and adoption. I want to have all my ducks in a row in case the third round doesn't work. Honestly, I think we are a lost cause, but since there is one last protocol we can try, I'm willing to try. That way we'll know we tried everything.

This cycle really took it out of me. I've been crying a lot. These cycles are torture. I want it to be over. I'm ready to move on. So we will start taking steps toward our goal of bringing home a child. We will try in several different areas. Eventually, one will work out.

same shit different day - Updated

I still have 4 follicles. The big one is 25 mm. The others are 15, 16 and 17. If the smaller ones don't grow, I will be canceled. My question is, if there is no retrieval, does it count as one of the three we are approved for?

I haven't heard from the RE yet. Don't know what's going to happen. I imagine I'll have to go in tomorrow. This isn't going well.

Update:
They called. Everything went as I expected. I go in again tomorrow. Because of the big one, they're ready to trigger. I requested a phone call with the RE to talk about ignoring the large one and waiting for the small ones, or the possibility of canceling. We think that even if we're canceled, it counts as a try. I'm hopeful that maybe we can pay for meds out of pocket and delay the retrieval and other stuff for our next try (if we have one). That is being checked out for us.

It's not worth doing a retrieval for one egg. I'm not even sure it's worth it for 4. I really think we should just have sex and try that way. It seems just as likely to work and it's much less invasive. I mean, I know we can get pregnant. We may have another miscarriage, but is it any worse than all of this? I don't think so.

So, I'll talk all this over with the RE. He's on the side of PGD, I'm afraid, so I doubt I'll get any validation. And T just wants a list of facts and odds and chances so that we can make a logical decision. Poor guy. That's just not available.

I am just so sick of all of this. I want it to end.

follicle count

Well, my E2 is nice and high, over 500. However, I have only 4 follicles over 12 mm and 4 smaller ones. That's 8. 8 is no good. I had 7 last time, and look what happened.

In even worse news, the largest one is already 19mm. That means I have one way bigger than the others which means there is less time for the smaller ones to grow.

Needless to say, all hope is lost. Okay, not all; I will still be extremely sad and disappointed when this doesn't work. But I really think it won't work again. Oh, to be proven wrong. I usually love to be right. I'm a gloater. I'm an 'I told you so'-er. But this time, please, please let me be wrong.

I am thinking more and more about sperm donation. I thought I was ready, but when this new information comes up about how things aren't going too well, I lose it. I am sad. Very sad. I could have a baby that isn't genetically T's? I know that if we go that route, it will be our baby. I have an adopted niece, and she is most definitely ours. But it's just so odd. So weird. So 'I can't believe this is happening to me and that this is my actual life.' All I know is I'm tired of waiting. It's been a year and a half since we first learned we were pregnant. It's time for us to be preparing for a baby.

I start the antagonist tonight, and I have to go in for another blood level and follicle count tomorrow. Stupid 19mm follicle.

count number three

I'm still at 7. Two of my follicles are over 20 mm, but one or two is still around 15. They want to get those little ones bigger so we have enough eggs. I was told by the ultrasound tech that if I were on a different protocol (i.e. not having PGD) I would have triggered already. This just boosts my feeling that this cycle has been a bust. I am not responding as well as they had hoped, and we're just clinging to some lofty follicle number goals. I know that it isn't impossible for this cycle to work. It could. However, I will be shocked if we have even one embryo to transfer this cycle. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be shocked with that information. However, I am not holding out much hope that this cycle will work out.

I still have yet to be called for instruction, but I can't imagine that I won't be triggered. Two of my follicles are getting too big and won't have usable eggs soon. This is a balancing act, and I think it's starting to tip. I wonder if the RE is caught up in surgery or something and that is why I haven't heard back. I heard pretty early the past two ultrasound days. I mean, I'm assuming they consult with the doctor before they call me.

After this cycle is over, even if there is a healthy embryo, I want to talk to the doctor about this whole cycle, I think.

Update: Trigger is indeed tonight. Retrieval is Wednesday morning. Here we go....

count number two

Not much of an improvement at this ultrasound. I had 7 follicles -- still just 2 on the left and 5 on the right. Two of them were over 20 mm, so I'm not sure if we're just going to trigger with only 7 or if we're going to hope for some more or what. I will hear from a nurse later.

I'm not feeling great about this number, but I'm not freaking out as much as I was Friday. I'm still extremely disappointed, and I wonder if this means that I have a low ovarian reserve -- not too surprising since I'm going to be 35 in two months. I just thought I would respond better than this. I've gotten pregnant 3 times on our own, and my fertility goes up right after I stop taking the pill, so I thought I would respond to the medication better. I never expected 20 eggs. But I thought I would at least have 10 or 12. Seven is close to ten, I guess. Maybe I'll get three more follicles before retrieval. Who knows. But I can't help but feel slightly bummed out. If this cycle doesn't work, I'm definitely going to demand a slightly different protocol next time. I need to have a better response than this.

One last question. I have cm. Is that normal? I thought my system was suppressed, so I thought I shouldn't do any sort of cycle stuff on my own. Are the shots triggering it? I'm worried about ovulating on my own. I will ask the nurse when she calls with my results, but have any of you had pre-fertile or fertile cm during an injections cycle?

I'll probably update after the nurse calls. E and baby S are coming over this afternoon. I hope I'm not too bummed out to hang out in any sort of normal way.

Update: So I'm to go in for another blood draw and ultrasound tomorrow. The nurse said that I'll probably trigger tomorrow night, so my retrieval would be Wednesday (if I understand this process correctly). She thinks that it will just be the 7 follicles for retrieval. The minimum number of follicles for PGD is 5 or 6, so we're just over the minimum. This does not feel good. I'm no longer holding out much hope for this cycle.

follicle count

I only had 6 measurable follicles, 2 on the left and 4 on the right. I have to admit I am a bit underwhelmed by this number. I know it is early, and things could change, but I feel like I really need to have at least 10 eggs for any hope of getting a transferrable embryo. I know it's not impossible for 6 eggs to work, but the more eggs, the more likely we will have something potentially viable. But I also know that just because I have only 6 measurable right now that I'll end up with 6 eggs. It's bound to change. But I still can't help but be a little disappointed. I will get a call later this afternoon with further instruction.

Update: I am really trying to shake these negative feelings, but I just can't seem to. We can only expect 1 out of every 8 embryos to be normal/balanced, and that is a generous percentage. It could be as low as 1 out of every 16 or even worse. Either way, the eggs need to be fertilized and survive biopsy and survive until day 5. I need lots of eggs to do this. With all these hormones making me nuts, I'm ready to write off this cycle as a learning experience. I know this is premature, but I can't help it. I know things could turn around in an instant, but I just have this feeling in my heart that this isn't going to work. And if this doesn't work, my next cycle will start after my 35th birthday. I know I have to calm down about this. I'm trying to visualize calm and force myself to smile. It helps a little, but I tend to obsess and worry. And this is my designated place to vent my obsessions and worry, so there it is.

I'm trying to hold it in check. I am. I am trying to visualize my happy place. Thank goodness it's Friday.

Update #2: I spoke to my PGD coordinator, and she assured me that things were fine. My E2 was up above 400, which made me happy, and she said they saw several smaller, unmeasurable follicles and that I'd keep taking my dose of medication and that things look good. I told her I was worried about just having the 6, but she managed to calm me down. So I'm a bit more calm. I will be able to sleep tonight.

Now I have to deal with all the snow.