PMS and decisions don't mix

The dog should be coming home with us on Friday. I'm happy and excited and nervous. Bringing home a retired greyhound is different from bringing home other dogs and involves a lot of reading. You can have a glimpse, if you like.

And then today the pottery place called to say that someone dropped the class and they have an opening, but now I don't want to take it any more. It's too much. Getting this dog is enough. When I didn't get into the class, I decided to get the dog. I'm much more interested in walking him and training him than taking pottery now. With the responsibilities of helping the dog adjust, I can't picture myself going during open studio time. I feel awful that I don't want to take the class any more, but alas I don't. Am I crazy? I feel crazy.

T and I have picked a name for the dog, but sometimes I think I like it and sometimes I don't. We wanted a name that was related to his racing name. This is (indirectly) related. I liked it a lot at first, but I'm having second thoughts.

We're also getting the stairs carpeted, and I need to do some sanding/cleaning/painting before they do that. I bought the stuff and got goaded into buying some ridiculously expensive paint that I'm now afraid to use.

And we need to dig up the front yard. I did some digging this past weekend, but it's very difficult and takes a long time.

How do people have energy to do things? I just don't get it. And I really don't get how, after working all day, people can come home and be a parent. I'm so cranky right now I could spit.

Oh, and I was walking around the office and the pregnant lady came out of an office and my former boss who I was walking with started talking about the baby (who though yet unborn she already called by name) and my boss started rubbing this woman's belly and they started talking about a baby pool for when the baby is going to be born and I did not know how to extricate myself. I was standing there freaking out, wanting to bolt but wanting to make an excuse. I tried to smile and say, "See ya!" and walk off and I think that's what I did, but I'm not sure. I can't even remember how it ended because I was so panicked.

PMS sucks.

I wish I could feel confident in t

Another one bites the dust

My pottery class was canceled.

I signed up for a class

So, feeling down about everything and contemplating a different life forced me to do something I've always wanted to do, but never did. The timing was right. I signed up for a pottery class. Beginning Wheelthrowing.

When we went to that art show last weekend, I was talking to one of the pottery artists and mentioning how I'd always wanted to learn to do pottery on the wheel. I live very close to a reasonably well-known pottery school, and he told me I should sign up. I did show off my purse and my sweater to him. He was impressed.

When I got home, I looked on the website of this school. Turns out that registration was today! It was kismet. I had to sign up. So I did.

I am so excited! It has definitely pepped me up. And to celebrate we're getting dumplings from my favorite Chinese place.

So I'm feeling a little better for now. I'm still looking forward to talking to my therapist on Friday morning.

I'm still questioning all of this, but for now I'm excited to start pottery class. It starts at the end of April.

Still down

I've had a sad week. I'm not exactly sure what's going on with me, but I can't seem to get out of this funk. I'm going back to talk to my old therapist on Friday to see if that will help.

I'm in such a funk that I actually looked up jobs in the city in Hawai'i where I fantasize about moving. There is a branch of University of Hawai'i there, so I fantasize about working there. I looked at flights, but I didn't look at housing. Housing in Hawai'i is expensive. I'm not sure why I'm in this 'giving up' mode, but I am.

I haven't been cooking. I let T buy a couple of toys. I have been spending a lot of time playing on our Wii. I haven't been cleaning -- though I did manage to empty and fill the dishwasher today, finally. I just don't have strong opinions about anything. I'm not particularly worried about anything because I just don't care.

Though this brings us to the weird part because I am worried about the fact that I don't care. T thinks it's a good thing. He says I'm letting go and just going with the flow. We are lucky that financially we don't have things to worry about (especially in this economy) but it isn't like me to step back and consider and just worry about how things are going to go. But I don't care.

I am still exercising a little bit. It's only twice a week so far, though I'm trying for three. I should do more, but it's better than nothing. But I just don't care. I haven't been knitting or crocheting or reading. I've just been watching DVDs and playing on the Wii. I don't feel interested in much. I feel like things are not okay.

Though, I am trying to sign up to take a pottery class tomorrow. I've always wanted to make clay things on the wheel, so I'm going to try and sign up and do pottery once or twice a week. Hopefully that will kick me in the butt.

I emailed the agency today and they think that previous situation with Bruce and his daughter is a long shot. They think we should sign on with the facilitator. That is a big chunk of money, but I think we're going to go ahead and do it. That will solidify the fact that we will not give up and move to Hawai'i because once we give her this money, we'd better get an adoption to happen. It's not refundable and it's a lot.

But as I type this, I don't feel much of anything. I really feel like I don't care about anything. I know this cannot wholly be true, but I just can't seem to have an opinion about anything. This is strange as someone who always uses 'opinionated' as the one word to describe herself.

Should I be worried?

Show and Tell

I just finished myself a purse! I absolutely love it. And I did the zipper so well! Yay me!

Thoughts on yarn, food and adoption

Why do M&Ms of non-traditional colors seem to taste better than traditionally colored M&Ms? We bought weird colored M&Ms in Vegas and I just love them. Well, loved them as now they are all gone. Goodbye teal and maroon chocolate candies.

The hat I made my niece is apparently very fashionable and all the 5th graders want to know where she got it. Who knew I could be a hip tween designer?

I bought two more skeins of yarn today because my nephew wants a hat and another one of my nieces wants a hat like L's. I'm knitting up a storm.

Read this article (referred by Sarah) about eating and fertility. I've been thinking about changing our diet a lot lately, and I'm trying to be inspired by the article. Now, I don't seem to have ovulatory problems. I'm not even sure I have poor quality eggs, though perhaps I do. But I figure, if eating less animal protein, more milk fat and higher quality carbs will help with ovulation issues, then I will just try it and see if it helps with egg quality, too. Or I just might see if it helps me be more healthy in general. I was thinking of going with the reduced simple carbohydrates and more complex carbohydrates route anyway, and this seems like a similar idea. Combined with exercise and increased water consumption, maybe I (and T) can shed a few pounds. If anybody can glean more about eating habits from this article, please send them my way. I sort of only skimmed it.

I walked a little today. Yesterday I used the elliptical.

Tonight we are going to a domestic infant adoption seminar given by ACONE. I think I just need as much time as I can possibly get to digest this whole adoption thing. When we first started doing the donor thing I was absolutely certain that I would get and stay pregnant successfully, but I am getting further and further from believing that anymore. And even if I do manage to stay pregnant one time, I just find it so hard to believe that I would be able to do it again in a few years from now. I just think it's nearly impossible that we will not end up adopting at least one child at some point in time.

Though I don't think I can mentally cope with doing infertility treatment and adoption at the same time, I think it's important to start thinking about all of the adoption paperwork and the process so that when we are ready, we will know what we are getting into. Each of these processes are exhausting, so I want to give myself enough time to be able to process each of these huge decisions we are about to make. Ending treatments is a huge decision. Adoption is also a huge decision. There's just so much to wrap our heads around.

I've also been thinking a lot more about not choosing interracial adoption. I know I've mentioned before that the fact that I don't want to do an interracial adoption makes me feel racist. There was a piece on This American Life this weekend (on the Matchmaker episode) about a woman who is hired as an actress to work in this realistic doll department at FAO Schwartz. She acts as a nurse who gets the little girls to 'adopt' these very realistic baby dolls. They sign 'adoption papers' and pay an 'adoption fee' in order to bring the dolls home. She is not allowed to break the illusion of this being an adoption process. They have a sample doll that they are supposed to tend to when there are no customers around. This doll is white, but it is a sample because its head is too heavy and its fingers are webbed and it is just an irregular doll. They called him Nubbins. Well, people came in and 'adopted' all of the white babies first. Then there were only dolls of color and Nubbins. Little girls would come and play with the dolls of color and the mothers would ask if there were dolls that "looked more like Sally does," obviously asking if there were any white dolls. When this woman said no, some left and some did buy dolls of color. The Asian babies went first. The Latino babies went next. Finally, all that were left were Nubbins and the Black babies. This one mother and her daughter came in for a doll, and the mother not even trying to be subtle asks where are the white babies. The woman says there are none. The mother asks about Nubbins. The woman shows the mother Nubbins and his head flops weirdly and his webbed hands do odd things, and the mother wants Nubbins anyway. So, Nubbins, the defective white doll, was adopted before the Black babies were adopted.

I feel like one of those mothers. It makes me feel awful. It makes me feel like a bad person. I think that story is terrible, and I feel like I am one of them.

But dolls aren't children. Dolls don't learn. Dolls don't have feelings. Dolls don't need to learn how to live in a racist world. Dolls don't understand that they don't look like their parents. Dolls are inanimate objects. Children are not.

And then I get angry at myself. Infertility sucks. Knowing that you may never, ever stay pregnant long enough to have a baby sucks. Knowing that you may have to decide to stop trying to have a baby sucks. Knowing that you have to go through this huge process and pay tens of thousands of dollars to be able to have a family sucks. It is a painful process. It is wrought with emotional trauma. And I'm making myself feel bad because I don't want my child to have to ask me why he or she has different skin color than mommy and daddy. I'm making myself feel bad because I just want to have my family find some way to be "average," whatever that is.

I feel like that we will have enough to deal with, whether it be educating our child about adoption, navigating T's and my differing views on religion, or having a donor conceived child. I don't want to add an additional layer of seeking out a place in another culture for our child so that he or she doesn't feel alienated? And I've just read so many stories of these children being caught in the middle. Too white to identify with whatever their ethnicity is and too ethnic to be white. I just don't feel equipped to handle that in addition to everything else. I admire those who are able to do that. It is a wonderful thing if you can do it. I just don't think I can. My energy has been spent getting to where I am now.

I just can't stop feeling bad about it, though.

Sad today

The other receptionist had to cover for someone on a different floor, so I had to sit at the front desk with the pregnant woman all day. She's due in exactly one month from today, so there is a ton of baby talk with her. It's all people talk to her about. It wasn't bad for most of the day, but I find myself feeling sad. She keeps saying how she's ready and how she wishes the baby would come soon. From that, I can totally tell she's a non IF-er. An IF-er would be paranoid about giving birth before 37 weeks, and would want to keep the baby in for as long as possible to decrease risks. She's ready now, at barely 36. From what I can tell, she's been married for less time than T and I have been. She keeps talking about how much the baby is moving and how he's pressing on her ribs. It's just hard to listen to over and over.

And yesterday T got a picture of the boss's new baby. And the boss responded to T's well wishes, referring to him as 'Uncle T,' which is nice, but poor T's response to me was, "I'm tired of always being Uncle T.' It makes me so sad.

I'm picking up our vial of sperm on Friday. If things are fast, we'll have an IUI on Sunday, but I bet ovulation will be delayed again. Not a huge deal, I just like when it falls on a weekend and we don't have to interfere with work. But it is what it is. Nothing I can do about it.

I feel like I have been more relaxed lately, but I also wonder if it's just that I've become so numb that it feels like I'm relaxed. Our house is a complete disaster, and I just don't have the energy to clean up. I can barely get any chores around the house done at all. I can simply go to work and knit.

Speaking of knitting, no one has signed up for my knitting class so far, so there is a chance that it might be canceled after all of that. I was looking forward to teaching a little again, so that is a disappointment as well. Though, I always knew there was a chance that it would be canceled. It's just that I turned down jobs to keep those afternoons free, and it may have been for naught.

Tonight the Red Sox have their first playoff game. We will watch, but I'm honestly not that excited about the playoffs. I feel like that's another sign of my numbness. I'm a pretty huge Sox fan ordinarily. Of course, maybe it's because they've played like crap lately. Who knows.

I'm trying to hold my chin up (I hate that phrase) and I just can't tell if I am or not. I'm probably not, but I'm crazy enough to convince myself that I'm doing better. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and just clean the fucking kitchen.

Stressed

I feel stressed.

I've been thinking about my emotions a lot lately, and I think I might be more depressed than I think I am. I was anxious about leaving the house yesterday. I have small panic attacks reasonably often. I'm freaking out right now about something that isn't worth freaking about. I am having trouble motivating to do routine tasks. I force myself to do them, and once I start I'm okay. But I think I'm really having some troubles here. I need to calm myself.

What is stressing me out right now is work stuff. For the longest time, nothing with potential in the work part of my life has moved forward. But today, all hell has broken loose. I've gotten like 7 calls about jobs today. One is a part-time two (or so) month job from 8-2 that will take me through the knitting class I will start teaching soon. That should be a good thing! But then I freak out about when I will have the IUI and when will I meet with my therapist and how I just can't possibly work a job from 8-2 that doesn't have any flexibility. But T assures me I can get there at 8 without a problem. And we can meet with our therapist in the afternoon. T said he'd make time for it. And I told them I may have one or two doctor's appointments, and she said that would be fine. So, it's okay.

Then I get called from two recruiters about two different jobs. I'm a little overqualified for these jobs, but I think that's okay. I think. At least I might as well interview for them because I don't have to take them. I can simply learn about the positions, and if I don't want them, I don't have to talk them. So I should go for it. In fact, I have an interview on Monday after my new part time job. Why do I not feel more relaxed yet??

I talked to my RE yesterday. He convinced me that the timing of the IUI wasn't a bad one. I sort of changed my mind about that before, but he helped me feel that way with confidence. We talked about the possibility of monitoring, but I'm not convinced that I need it at this time. I think the timing is fine. I just didn't get pregnant. This happens. I'm 35. So, I'm going to use the Cl0mid and the OPKs again this month. I was this close to doing 2 IUIs too, but I'm not ready for that either, yet. Despite that study from 1998, he's completely convinced that newer data show that 2 are not necessary. I'm still going with that for now. But I'm going to either take the OPKs in the afternoon or double up this time. We shall see. If this third one doesn't work, I may very well do the monitoring. I'm just not ready for that yet.

Thanks for all the positive feedback about the hats. I bought some more yarn. Because of all the positivity, I'm definitely going with the $20 plus shipping charge. They are various children's sizes -- 0-6 months, 6-12 months, 2-18 months, 24 months, etc. I could make adult sizes, but I'd have to charge more for those. I'm also working on some baby socks/booties to match some of the hats. I could sell them as a combo. I also have scarves. Maybe I've got something here! But I don't think I could knit as fast as I can sell, and I like to make things for myself, too. But I feel good about this. Thanks.

I'm off to try to de-stress myself. I'm feeling slightly better, but I still have that nervous feeling at the pit of my stomach and my shoulders are tight. I'm going to go work on some socks.

Boring Tuesday

Last night T and I treated ourselves to fancy dinner. We got a gift certificate from my parents about a year and a half ago, and finally went to have the dinner. It was at Blue Ginger which is owned by one of those famous chefs, Ming Tsai. I had the lobster. I can honestly say that I think it was one of the most delicious things I have ever eaten. It had tons of black pepper and garlic, and it brought out the lobster flavor just wonderfully. It was one of those dishes that you take a bite and are just giddy with happiness each time you bring the fork to your mouth. T loves it when I do that. Good food can just make me so happy sometimes. For dessert I had a little cheesecake with bing cherry sorbet. That was wonderful, too. And we had sake. And some delicious spring rolls. We relaxed. We chatted. T had the Alaskan Butterfish. It was delicate and lovely. It was a wonderful dinner. We had a nice time. That is our goal, to have a nice time sometimes.

I'm trying to create a website where I can sell my hats and some other things I've made that I don't have any use for. I'm thinking of selling the hats for $15 or $20 plus shipping. T even bought a domain for me. I'm working on the pages, but I don't really know how all this web stuff works. I suppose it's maybe some good job training to set all of this stuff up. I think maybe I'll set up an eB@y store with a link back to my site.

Here are some hats:


Right now I'm focusing on knitting a vest for myself, though. I'm a very selfish knitter. Oh, and I'm finishing the blanket I crocheted for our living room. Hm, still selfish.

There's absolutely nothing going on in the job front right now. I'm calling the temp agencies and mailing out my resume, but I'm not even getting nibbles. I'm mostly overqualified for all the jobs I feel like having right now. I wonder if that's why things look so bleak. The coffee shop didn't even call me back. I suppose I could go back and talk to the manager again about a job, but I just don't feel like it. I don't want to work evenings or weekends. I just want a nice little office manager job somewhere.

So here I sit, drinking a decaf americano, playing on the computer.

Lovely Weather

Today was beautiful. E&R came over with baby S and I gave them the hat. It fits him perfectly! It was gorgeous out, so we took a walk to a popular city square near our house and had lunch. I think I got a little sunburn on my neck, but the weather was lovely, and it was great to get the exercise. Little S is really getting big. He's standing up well and moving around while holding on to things. He looks and acts so much like R, it honestly makes me a little sad. I look in his face and I see R. I just think about how we will look in our child's face and without even knowing it, we will see the donor. I mean, I know we will love our child and everything will be fine. And I know we will even see parts of T in our child. But it will just never be like the way I see R in baby S, and that just makes me sad. I honestly don't think that part of the loss will ever completely go away. I think it will diminish some once we have a baby to love, but I don't think it will ever completely go away.

I am still on a hat knitting kick. I have made a second hat like the one I made for S. Now I am making a little strawberry hat for T's boss's baby that will be born in September. I also made the baby this teddy bear.
I think I will put the hat on the bear when I give it to them.

Tomorrow, I am going to try to get my hair cut, go to therapy and go see my career counselor. I'm excited to tell her about my job interview. It's related to education, which is what I have my master's degree in, so I am pretty excited about it.

It's been a nice weekend. We had friends over on Saturday night just hanging out. We grilled and we made vegies from our CSA box. We sat there in our living room, and I felt very grown up. Sometimes the fact that I'm a 35-year-old adult who is married and owns a house freaks me out a little. I don't feel that different inside than I did when I was in college. I mean, I feel a little bit different, but not enough to be a real grown-up person, I guess. My mom tells me that she can't believe that she's an old lady, so I guess it's a different view of the same thing. Time is such a strange animal.

Today

Today T took the day off of work and we spent the day together. We went out for a wonderful breakfast and then did a bunch of errands. Then we sat in the air conditioning and watched a movie. I knitted. Oh! The other day I made baby S the cutest little hat! Here is a picture of it.


Forgive the cashew bin and our messy bed. :) We are going to see E&R and baby S on Sunday. I will give it to them then. Is it weird to give someone a winter hat in August when it's like 95 degrees out?

The meeting with the midwife went pretty well. If we don't get insurance coverage, we will go there. And even if we do get coverage, if it works maybe we'll go there for care and monitoring and stuff. I'm really not terribly fond of my former OB. When she told me the news of T's translocation, she just kind of brushed it off and said IVF with PGD should work and she thought she'd see me again in a couple of months. Ha! That was in April 2006.

Anyway, days keep passing, and every day is closer to the dIUI. I called the RE and the insurance company, but still no word. I still haven't ordered the sperm yet, but I was told by someone at the bank to not order it until I'm just about ready to use it, which will probably be Tuesday or Wednesday. The ordering, that is. The using will be somewhere between Thursday and Monday, I think. I guess it's good that the plan is to do it on one of my days off. Though weekends are slightly more complicated, especially at the midwife's. But whatever it is, it is.

Oh, and I have a job interview! On Tuesday! Yay me!

My first part time week

Today is Monday and I didn't go to work. I woke up around 7ish, went for a walk, came home and took a shower, and then I started working on cleaning the kitchen. I only got as far as the dishes, but that was no small feat. Our kitchen is disgusting. I then made myself a decaf double mocha (we just started using the espresso machine we had in our basement) and the guy from the gas company changed our meter. I asked him some questions about our boiler and he was helpful, but I am worried about it because our house is heated with steam and I cannot tell how much water is in the boiler. There is an indicator glass thingy and I can't tell if it's full to the top or empty to the bottom. We have an automatic feeder system so it's supposed to take care of itself, but I am concerned. I just emptied about 6 gallons of water and I still can't see anything in the level window. We have a 'low water' alarm system thingy, and that's not saying the water is low, but how could I have emptied 6 gallons without seeing a meniscus? I just don't get it.

Anyway, ArtBeat was a hit. The weather couldn't have been better, and we had all sorts of knitters and crocheters swarm at our booth to contribute. I gave a few lessons, and I got a connection to someone in a Park & Rec department who may be hiring to teach knitting to teenagers -- so maybe a new part time job. E came by with baby S, and ultimatejourney and her hubby visited too, as well as a bunch of other friends of mine. There were people at the booth who didn't speak any English, but I saw a look in their eye and just gave them some yarn and knitting needles, and they sat down and knitted up something beautiful! Hurray for the universal language of knitting! I had a great time and the whole thing went wonderfully.

I called the financial coordinator at my RE's office to see our insurance status. We should be hearing by the end of the week. If we get denied, we can still go ahead with the dIUI and pay for it out of pocked while we appeal. If we get coverage in the appeal, they will reimburse us for the procedure. So, we are getting really close. It should be about two and a half weeks. I have a phone call with the nurse practitioner to see if we do one or two inseminations per cycle. I have gotten pregnant on one insemination before (read: by having sex once during my fertile period -- that was pregnancy #2) but I'm totally paranoid about it not working this time.

Anyway, while I was typing this I head the water turn on and our boiler filled itself with water again. So, it must be working. The indicator must be clogged or something. Maybe we'll call the plumber.

Not working full time is going well so far today. It's only noon and I feel like I've accomplished a lot. Plus, I will do a bunch more. I'm going to bleed the boiler again.

Oh, there was an adoption piece on NPR this morning. It was about interracial adoption, and though we aren't planning on adopting just yet, we feel that adoption issues are quite related to insemination issues. At the very end, the mom talked about her children meeting their birth mother and looking at her son walking with his birth mother and how they walked the same way and how that affected her so strongly. This made both of us cry. It is just that kind of thing -- knowing that we will not see some of these small, physical things that T does being present in our children that still make us sad. We know we will love our children fully and completely, but that will always be there, just like it is still there for that mother. Her children are grown now, but you can still hear it in her voice how moved she was. I keep wondering about the future with our children and whether we will meet our donor or not.

It's hot

It's extremely hot in the Boston area today. It hit 94 (and humid) at the airport. We are having the outside of our house painted, and apparently the heat and humidity kept the painters away. We decided it was time to put in the air conditioning units. It's helping, but slowly. Hopefully it will be cool enough to sleep tonight. I don't love air conditioning, but on a night like this, it is nice.

T came to therapy with me this morning. We talked a lot about the implications of sperm donation. We did tell her our story, and she did snicker in that "If it weren't so sad it would be funny," kind of way (which is how T and I are feeling about this whole thing right now). One of the things I really like about my therapist (D) is she doesn't give us that false, "Well, you never know!" attitude that the nurses at our RE's office do. T and I are realists. We realize that this IVF working out is quite remote, and we need to make contingency plans. When I say to D, "We think this isn't going to work," she will reply, "Well, it probably won't." I like that.

We are planning to tell our child that s/he is donor conceived. T and I have agreed on this all along, and we think it is what is best for the child and for us. We don't want to walk around worried that our child will 'discover' his/her true origins. We want our child to always know that this is where s/he came from, and think that it is a normal part of who s/he is. But we always figured that though it isn't a secret, it just wouldn't come up much.

What we didn't think about is how three year olds like to share things they know with random people. So, when said three year old goes to preschool, we will have to prepare the teachers for if or when that information comes up. We don't want to put our kid in a situation where, if for some reason s/he comes out with this info that a different adult will try and 'correct' what our kid has been told. I just hadn't thought about stuff like that before. It's weird.

As far has how I'm feeling 3dp5dt, my b00bs are sore, which they were before transfer due to all the progesterone I'm shoving up my hoo-ha. I'm definitely feeling something in my uterus, but I can't say that it's 'twinges' or 'cramps.' I have had one or two cramps today, but in general I'm just aware that my uterus is there. It sort of feels heavy. I can't explain it more than that. I've also been tired and somewhat cranky, but when it's 94 and humid, everybody feels that way.

I went to see the career counselor today as well. I think it was good. I think she will help me. She will help me get out of the trap I feel I am in right now, and then she will help me head toward some work that I will want to do in the future. I liked her. She gave me homework. I think that's good.

So, all and all I think we're doing pretty well, all things considered.

Oh, and here's a caterpillar I crocheted.

crafting

Crafting has kept me sane in these insane times. I find it comforting. It's methodical, I can make it just the way I want, it's pretty and useful, it makes a great gift, and I can see progress in every step I take. I have control over my projects in this life where I have little control of everything else. I enjoy shopping for materials and trying new and different projects. When I feel like sitting and doing nothing, I can crochet and knit and still feel like I'm accomplishing something.

E's baby is going to be one year old in July. This is the present I made him. (Hint: it's my version of that bunny I linked to earlier.)




Isn't it cute? I love his little tail. And the tail and feet triangulate so he sorts of sits up. I made it cotton so that if he puts it in his mouth it won't pill. Yay bunny!