Friday, July 13, 2007

Trouble

We both have had trouble sleeping lately. I've been waking up at around 3 am and haven't been able to go back to sleep for an hour or two. This happened again last night, and when I got up to pee, T was awake. I freaked out. I confessed that I had reservations about the donor we chose. I just feel like he looks too different from us or something. I'm not exactly sure. So, I was crying in bed for about a half an hour. I feel so guilty about feeling bad. Isn't it T who should be doing the suffering?

T is the most wonderful man in the world. When I told him I had reservations about our donor guy, he just said, 'Well, then we'll pick a different one." He said we both had to feel good about the decision because it's such a huge one. I expressed concern because the one we chose was T's favorite, but he said we had to compromise to come to a decision that both of us can live with. I tried so hard to accept this donor -- he's really not bad -- and I tried to compromise because I thought this was the donor that T wanted. But I suck at compromise. I am afraid that with this gut feeling of mine, T is compromising and I am not. That's not fair. I don't want that. But T said we had to go with my gut feeling because gut feelings are important.

So, we're kind of looking again. I just wish I knew how to choose. I think I need the person to look just a little bit like T somehow. Though, I'm not sure how. I suppose there's a chance that we'll go back to our original choice, but I'm just not ready to commit yet.

And as far as the waiting goes, I am self-medicating with BCPs. I have about two more weeks of BCPs, but I can always stay on them for another week or two. This gives me a little bit more flexibility with timing. So, I will stay on BCPs until we both feel comfortable with our decision, and then we will more forward.

I always wanted to try DI before adoption for several reasons. I get to experience pregnancy and delivery, we will have a newborn, it is less expensive, and we have more choice. This last one, choice, is turning out to be a real bitch. These choices are so difficult, and I don't know how to go about making them. But the choice needs to be made. All we can do is keep going.

UPDATE
T just found out that his ex-girlfriend, the one right before me, is pregnant. She and her bf aren't married yet. She's older than T, and we knew she wants to have kids, but all we can say to this is, "For fuck's sake!"

4 comments:

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I think T is right - gut feelings are important. I am glad that you have some flexibility with the BCPs. I am keeping you in my thoughts. I am here if you need me....

Trace said...

If it makes you feel any better, since we decided to go forward w/this route I have been waking up also. I purchased a big bottle of Nyquil to help ;-) along w/a backup of Benadryl and melatonin.

From someone who is taking the reverse route and coming off of a domestic adoption situation, DI has some advantages in that you get to be the biological mother, the baby is yours and your husbands in that two of you are on the birth certificate, if you're concerned about your child having heredity questions you can do an open donor, and you are getting 3 decades of medical history! You may or may not get that from a birth mother (I know not a PC term). You KNOW you aren't taking drugs or drinking and you are monitoring what goes into your body while pregnant. You know exactly what prenatal care you are getting. And finally it is less expensive. Especially if your insurance covers it. We were doing a private domestic adoption (vs. foster adoption) and the adoption agency that we worked w/had about 10,000 in start up fees, and quarterly advertising fees of 3000 plus the expenses for the birth mother.

Really if DI works fairly quickly it will be far less than adoption. If it doesn't and we have to move on to DIVF it will probably be a wash and the baby will biologically be related to me. Plus I get the added benefit of getting to experience pregnancy. I had written it off when we chose adoption so I'm pretty excited...I'm dreaming of all those cute maternity clothes and having a baby shower like everyone else.

Were you given a choice of banks select from? If so, maybe one of the other banks will have a donor who really speaks to you.

Ok, I have rambled. I do have a blog separate from my adoption one, but I didn't list it because I was afraid of someone who could negatively affect our possible adoption.

http://1hardyswimmer.blogspot.com/
Trace

Knock Me Up said...

I agree, gut feelings are important. There is nothing wrong with continuing to look. You don't have to make a decision right now. I know you are anxious to get started but what is one more month in this whole long process you've already been through (I know I can't believe I just said that, as an IF I know one month is an eternity. It's that this is a lifelong decision so based on that one month to wait could be okay.) Who knows a couple of weeks and you may find someone that you both go BINGO and know it is the right choice. This is a chance it is important to take. You can decide to go back to the original selection at any time if you wish too.
Take care, Melatonin works for me too.

Leah said...

I'm sorry that every. damn. thing. about this process is agony. I'm also sorry about T's ex-girlfriend. Nice slap in the face, thanks. Not.

I'm sending tons and tons of hugs and prayers your way, hoping you are able to make your decision and feel at peace with it.