We're back from our mini vacation. It was definitely nice to get away, and the weather was beautiful. We ate lots of food and ice cream, and we relaxed. We saw some birds and did a lot of reading, and of course I did a bunch of crafting. Needless to say, we are not excited about returning to work tomorrow.
We are still feeling sad, on and off. We are still trying to choose a donor, but we are having trouble. We didn't think too much about it this weekend, but upon arriving home I wanted to look at our candidates again. While looking, I just decided I didn't like any of them. I am on the mailing list for a "donor sibling registry" discussion group, and there is so much negativity on there, it's really freaking me out. Donor conceived children are complaining about their origins. Single mothers by choice are freaking out about their choice to bring a child into the world. People are complaining about the sperm banks and their screening processes. People have had experiences with samples having low sperm counts. I can go on. It's really depressing me. I feel like I need to stop reading all of this, but I can't. I want as much information as I can get so I can be prepared. This is just so hard. How do I choose the genes that are going to replace my husband's?
We purchased audio interviews of our top 3 candidates and we listened to them again today. I guess they're not so bad. We have 2 top candidates. I think our #1 candidate doesn't look that much like T, but it seems his personality is more like T's, we think. The #2 candidate looks a bit more like T, I think, but has a few personality traits that are pretty different. I just don't know how we're going to do this. How are we going to decide? Are we supposed to just close our eyes and point?
I need to contact the sperm bank so that we can work out our paperwork. I don't want to miss an opportunity for a cycle. But we need to decide first. Though, both our candidates are at one specific bank -- we haven't been able to find anyone we like at a different sperm bank. The UIs (user interface -- the way the searches work) is so different for each bank, and we have ended up finding this bank the most user friendly. It seems that we are looking for different characteristics than most other people. Hair and eye color and ethnicity are not the most important characteristics for us. It is difficult to wade through to find the information we want.
And in the end, no one is T and no one is good enough. We keep second guessing ourselves and our decisions that took us to this place. We have read recently that IVF fertilization favors unhealthy embryos in people with genetic disorders, so we are wondering if we should have just had sex with multiple follicles to see if we could get lucky that way. I know it's unreasonable to think this way, but we feel frozen, like we can't move on and can't decide.
This is so hard. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. We're still not sure about where we are going to do the insemination. Our current clinic charges more than twice as much as the one where there is all that red tape. I still think we can try at home, but I haven't brought it up with T again. I am overwhelmed. I feel like I can't go forward. I want to have a baby with my husband. I don't know what to do.
Life as an adoptive family.
My Story
- Rachel
- 4 miscarriages, 3 failed IVFs with PGD, 2 different sperm donors, 1 diagnosis of balanced translocation. Now we are the proud parents of a boy via domestic infant semi-open adoption. We had a failed match for kid #2 and are now matched again.
10 comments:
I am only a couple months ahead of you in all this, and have not subscribed to these mailing lists, but here's my take (which, when you think about it, is just a sneaky form of assvice):
DI is what you make of it. If you are not comfortable with this option, your children will sense that and may take issue with your choices. I suspect that's what happened with a lot of the families on the mailing list. I expect that the important part of the DI equation will actually in the raising the kids part of the process, which I think you will do wonderfully. I predict that your children will be happy and well-adjusted, no matter how they join your family.
A donor will never be as good as T. How could he possibly be? But I have a feeling either of your top donor choices would help you create babies that you'd be thrilled with.
I recommend giving yourselves time to work through this. It's not worth forcing yourselves to make a decision. It will all be stewing in the back of your mind, even when you're not thinking about it, and the path forward will gradually become clear. I found the process to involve a lot 'two steps forward, one step back.'
I'm around if you need anything. Good luck, and a big virtual hug to both of you.
I really can never understand what you are going through but I am so sorry that you have to go through it. It must be just heart-wrenching.
I do think you should take your time deciding and let it marinate. I hope you come to peace with a decision.
I'm so sorry this is so hard. This is probably easy for me to say, since I'm not in your situation, but it sounds like you are thinking of the donor as replacing T in all aspects. In fact, while the sperm will provide the genetic material, T will still be the father, and you won't really be replacing him. I think you will be able to raise a lovely child.
You may not really be ready to make a decision yet, given how close you are to the last IVF cycle. You may just need to wait and see how you feel in a little while.
We used DS for my pregnancy with my daughter.
My advice? Get off the mailing lists.. at least for a little while. They can be severely overwhelming for someone in your place right now. I was once on them, too, and found that people went there who had a major beef with donor conception.. and that's just not me.
For support and information, I went to infertility message boards that had specialized threads relating to donor issues. There I found women who went through the same process as I did- with similiar concerns, fears, and trials... minus the drama and the criticism.
If you don't know of any good boards, I'd be happy to point you to a few places. Also, if you have any questions (*or just want to vent to someone who's been there) about the ds process, don't hesitate to send me an email.
-Donnie
dramalish_teacher@hotmail.com
I think that you received some great comments here....
I know that the *LAST* thing that you want to do is wait but maybe giving yourselves time to process all of this is needed here. But I know you don't want to hear that and I wouldn't either.
I am concerned that you are looking for the "perfect" donor. Perfect = T. You are putting so much pressure on yourselves to make the right decision. And I know this is easy for me to say, but the *right* decision is simply for both of you to become parents. There's no perfect donor and there's no opportunity for a perfect situation here. The *best* option is for both of you to have a baby and be incredibly loving parents, which you will. And you simply cannot discount the role of nurture. T will be a hands-on dad, which will mean that your child will share some of his traits as well as some of yours. Regardless, this child will be both of yours and will always know it because of how you treat him/her.
Ok, I realize that was all assvice. But I hope you know that I suggest these things out of the outmost respect and love for you. I so badly want to see you on the other side of this, with the joy of being parents.
You've gotten a lot of good advice here, hon. I do think that you're forcing yourself to move on very quickly, and it might make sense to take at least a cycle to get more comfortable with your decision. Course, I know that you feel like time's ticking, too. So I can understand WHY you feel like you need to move on quickly too.
The place you're in right now isn't easy, and I want you to know that no matter what you decide, we're here for you. I've been thinking of you nonstop... and I hope you and T can find a decision which gives you some measure of peace.
Hang in there, hon. Love and hugs to both you and T.
Something else to consider... to use donor sperm, most clinics require that you go to couples counseling to make sure it is the right decision for both of you and to help you through the process. It sounds like therapy would be very beneficial for you right now too... you are in unchartered territory, plus you are grieving the loss about a potential bio-child created from both of you. Ask your clinic if they can recommend a therapist who specializes in infertility. (it would be easier to see someone who is already familiar with the process/lingo/etc).
I know for our clinic, we had to have the therapist write us a letter BEFORE the clinic would move forward with IVF. (and we are two women, so the dynamics involving donor sperm are very different for us - I would think your circumstance is much more emotionally complex).
I would also ditch the negative mailing list and find a message board with women who are in the same place as you. (we are on fertile thoughts)
Glad to hear you've got a good support system in terms of therapy - again, I just think therapy is so helpful for couples going through IF, esp. a therapist who understands the process.
As for message boards... we belong to http://www.fertilethoughts.com/ft/infertility/
They do have donor forums, but we spend more time on the IVF boards now though... the entire site seems to be pretty supportive. We've only had positive experiences with it. We used to belong on fertility friend, but it got way too catty for my liking. We also spend a fair amount of time reading blogs and using that as a support system.
Good luck to you guys... I've been routinely popping in on your blog for a little while now. I wish you guys the best of luck on this crazy roller coaster. It's a tough, jerky ride, isn't it??
Oh, this is SO hard! I agree with the others that maybe you should slow down and not rush yourself. Also, talk it out with an infertile buddy. If you need to wallow a bit in self pity (I hear it in your tone and I totally understand -- we infertiles have earned the right to wallow as far as I'm concerned!), find a friend who is going through the same thing and then, SUPPORT EACH OTHER. Only infertiles really understand each other's need to express emotions that are deep, bitter, confused, etc. Avoid talking to fertiles who don't get it -- they will just tell you to get a handle on your emotions or count your blessings or some other such crap. Good luck!
KarmaGal
We initially chose adoption withour doing fertility and have now stepped backward to DI. Everything you're saying about the negativity and anger exists w/adoption. I don't know that there is any winning solution. What is a family to do if one is infertile? It seems as if there are negatives no matter what route you choose.
In my mind, w/adoption there were so many unethical practices, and I had difficulty accepting that. How could I adopt a child when the birthmother was coerced into it. Atleast w/DI, one of you is the biological parent. You can choose an open donor so your child can meet him when he's old enough and you can register w/the sibling registry.
No, a donor isn't as good as your husband, but the donor won't be the dad. Only the biological father. A dad is the one who is up at 3am, cheering at sporting events, and offering support every step of the way.
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