First, I want to thank everyone for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it. I am feeling slightly better now. I did check out some donor egg support groups, but of course the next one in my area doesn't meet until mid-September. It seems that most support groups are not meeting much over the summer. I also emailed my local Resolve chapter to volunteer to run a donor sperm group. However, I have emailed and volunteered my services to Resolve before and never got a response back. We shall see what happens.
And as far as getting out my concerns on this blog goes, I do do that. I love this blog. I love having this blog. I find that it helps me tremendously. In fact, even if no one read it (which I think would make me a bit sad) I still think it would help just to get my feelings out through my fingers.
But there are some things that are difficult to write down because you can't even articulate them. There are some things that only come out in conversation with others. Sometimes the only way to reframe an idea is to bounce it off other people who are experiencing the same thing and just looking at it from a different angle. There's something about having a conversation in person that is different from pouring out my emotions on this blog.
That being said, I guess what I'm feeling mostly sad about right now is what was brought up in that NPR story. How the woman, when she saw her son walking next to the woman who had given birth to him, that their walks were the same. How, when I look at baby S, I see his dad in his face and in his body. When I used to teach, sometimes a student's dad would walk in the room and I would think, "That has to be so-and-so's dad" because you could just see it. I am just mourning that connection.
I am also wondering what we're going to say when people ask, "Who does he look like?" And I even believe that people who will not know might even say he looks like T (maybe) and then how do we respond?
When that happens to my brother and sister-in-law with my niece L, they just smile and look at each other and say, "Yup!" People have said that she looks like my brother. So I guess that's what we'll do too.
I mean, I don't feel like we won't be a happy family. I don't even think we'll think about this too much once there is a real live little person around. We will just live our lives as most people do. But that connection that is genetics -- it is not a small one. It will always connect us to this donor, and it is a strong bond. I do not think that it replaces the bond we will have with our children. Our children will always be our children and that is a bond that no one can break. Ever. No matter what. It's just that a small but natural piece of parenthood -- looking for yourself, physically, in your child -- will not be there for T. And though I think we are making the right decision by going with donor sperm, I am still grieving this loss. It does not feel small right now.
I just thought it would be helpful to discuss this feeling of loss with a group of people going through something similar. Donor eggs, donor sperm, whichever. I'd be interested to hear other people talk about it. But it's just not going to happen for now.
For now, I have this blog and other bloggers. But that is a good thing.