Tuesday, May 29, 2007


Today I got an email from E telling me how she, R and baby S went to the zoo with a mutual friend of ours, his wife and their son, and E's sister and her two kids.

It's so weird how mundane news like this can put me in a funk for an entire day. Just reading her email made me so sad.

Then the sadness from this creeps into all of the other crap that's going on. I spent the entire day freaking out about how negative I am at work. I've told three people so far that I'm looking for a new job. That was probably really stupid, but I just can't keep it in. I feel like I am completely out of control at work. I am negative, I complain all the time, and I'm wandering around aimlessly trying to do work, but because work is so f*cked up, I can't get anything done because I'm constantly waiting on other people. This makes me complain more about how awful it is to work there.

I know that I am wasting away in this place, but all I can think about is how there is no job that I would like right now, and that I've had 3 jobs in the last year. Nobody is going to want to hire me. I don't know what I want to do, and I don't even know how to get a job that I might like at this point.

Should I be a sub? Should I just work at a retail store? Should I temp? I don't know how to figure out what I should do.

I do have a meeting with a recruiter on Thursday morning.

Monday, May 28, 2007


Crafting has kept me sane in these insane times. I find it comforting. It's methodical, I can make it just the way I want, it's pretty and useful, it makes a great gift, and I can see progress in every step I take. I have control over my projects in this life where I have little control of everything else. I enjoy shopping for materials and trying new and different projects. When I feel like sitting and doing nothing, I can crochet and knit and still feel like I'm accomplishing something.

E's baby is going to be one year old in July. This is the present I made him. (Hint: it's my version of that bunny I linked to earlier.)

Isn't it cute? I love his little tail. And the tail and feet triangulate so he sorts of sits up. I made it cotton so that if he puts it in his mouth it won't pill. Yay bunny!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Long Weekend

It's unseasonably hot in Boston. It was over 90 degrees (32 for you C people) today. It was almost 90 yesterday. It's hot tonight. We have a window AC unit in our TV room upstairs from our bedroom. It's too early to install the units on the other floors (read: we're too lazy) so we're going to sleep in the TV room tonight. There's a futon up there. The Red Sox are in rain delay, and I'm crocheting this cute bunny.

Tomorrow is my niece H's 8th birthday party. We got her some books, a game book and some cute flip-flop/sandals that are pink and sparkly. She should like them (I hope.) Sunday we are having dim sum with our friends S&R. They know that we're going through IVF now, but they don't know about our failed second cycle, so I suppose we're going to have to tell them. Not really looking forward to that. I also realize that one of my sisters-in-law knows that #2 failed and one doesn't, so I'm going to have to tell them too, I guess. It doesn't go well when one knows something that the other doesn't know. Don't want to make anyone feel 'left out.' Then on Monday we're going to an arts festival north of Boston. I guess we're keeping busy.

I've started looking for other jobs and I sent out 2 resumes already. I'm feeling really down about my job, so looking makes me feel better. Even if I don't leave my job or don't hear anything from these other jobs, it makes me feel like I'm trying to do something. I'm also not looking in my current field. I used to be a teacher, and I'm thinking of doing something more educationally oriented. There are also many colleges in this area and I'm thinking of trying to get a job at one of them so I can at least be around education.

My meds are ordered and will be here a week from Monday. I have to call up the PGD place and set that whole thing up again. We have to pay to ship the biopsied cells to the PGD place. I can't believe this is about to happen again.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Another thing

I forgot to mention that we learned a lot about our embryos during this RE visit. Though all 4 fertilized, only 3 were biopsied because one arrested. I specifically asked the nurse on day 3 how they were, and she said she heard nothing so she assumed all of them were fine. They knew by day 3 that one wasn't growing. The nurse that called me should have this information. I specifically asked and was given no information, nor was I told that they could check it out and get back to me. This pisses me off. Anyway, only 3 went off for PGD, so just one more than the first time.

I got my dates from the PGD coordinator. Looks like I start injections on June 7.

With all of this information, I now feel really surprised that I was able to get pregnant so many times so easily. What the hell?

I guess it's just because I'm throwing my body off its kilter. This is just crazy.

new protocol

We met with the RE yesterday. We are going ahead with the micro-dose flare protocol. I have been on BCPs for a week now, so I have about two weeks before I start injections again. This time, it's twice a day. The antagonist protocol I was on last time was for 'poor responders' too, and I didn't respond well to that one, so I'm not sure what will happen, but Mary Ellen and a knitting friend of mine both had good responses to the micro-dose protocol, so we shall see. I remain both skeptical and fearful.

I also asked about donor insemination. The RE said that there's no great reason why I should do a medicated protocol since I've been pregnant on my own before. I mentioned how I got pregnant right after going off BCPs and asked if I should self medicate that way, and he thought that was a good idea. He referred us to a couple clinics that will do a donor IUI for $200 (plus the cost of sperm, which is around $500 - $1000). I don't expect insurance to cover this, so that seems like a good deal to me.

I also think we will try on our own once or twice before we move on to donor sperm. After all, we could get pregnant the regular way. It's happened to people with a bt before. You just never know, and I feel we should try at least one more time on our own before moving on to donors.

T is sad about all of this, naturally. I remain numb. I feel like I have given up hope that we will have a (dually) biological child. I feel ready to move on, and the idea that a donor cycle is probably 6 months away for us is driving me a little crazy. But if we're doing another IVF cycle and we're trying on our own first, that's what it's going to be, especially if I'm going to go on the pill to try to self medicate myself.

I keep telling myself that one day all of this will be over, and we will have our kids (kid?) and we'll just have scars, but it's really difficult to imagine that right now.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Rainy Sunday

It rained here all weekend. There's nothing like rain to keep one's mood down. Needless to say, I'm still feeling a bit down. I am doing slightly better, however, thanks to ultimatejourney and her hubby and the lovely dinner we had on Friday. It's nice to hang out with people who are in a similar situation, and I appreciate their help in talking to us about how they went about choosing a donor. Though we are not doing that as of yet, it's nice to be prepared.

My dinner with E also went nicely. It was really good to just spend some time together and eat (and drink Sangria --yum!). She came over for tea after dinner and we ended up hanging out until about quarter to 11, which is unheard of for both of us! She is weaning baby S, which is really liberating for her, but he is teething so his sleep continues to be an issue. He has never been a good sleeper, which really sucks. She had a big meeting at work, so her work should calm down a little, but she is feeling under-appreciated there which also sucks.

I also asked T that if our next IVF cycle should fail, should we try the old fashioned way one more time before we move on to donor. He agreed that we should probably do that. I know I'm putting the cart before the horse a bit with this, but I can't help thinking about all of this stuff.

I am still very worried that this micro-dose regimen will work well for me in terms of number of eggs, we'll get a healthy embryo to transfer, and it won't stick. I'm just really, really afraid of this happening. It's the worst way to go out, in my opinion. I'd rather have another poor response than know we had a chance and just didn't find the right medicinal protocol until the last try. I know I should let this go and just see what happens, but as you probably know I'm an over worrier.

I'm also really worried about passing this bt on to our kids. The PGD distinguishes between unbalanced embryos and ones that are either normal or carriers. If we get pregnant this way, we will not know if it is a carrier or not (unless we do amnio). Do we want to know? I mean, we can tell the kid it's a possibility, but is it something you would want to know your whole life? How does that work with dating? When do you tell someone that you might be infertile? How will it affect their life? I can go to my bt board and discuss this issue, but it's such a personal decision. I'm not sure what we would do. I know -- again, don't need to worry about it yet. But here I am, worrying.

My acupuncturist told me to stop worrying. Easier said than done, I guess. I try to distract myself, but I can only watch so much stupid tv, and that doesn't always work.

Today I'm going to try to buy myself some clothes that fit and a pair of earrings. Plus I need to buy some wool yarn. Then I have my knitting group at 4. We'll see which of these things I get done.

Oh, our RE appointment was moved up to tomorrow. So, T and I will go and talk about IVF #3 and donor sperm with him, and I will know a bit more about things tomorrow.

Thursday, May 17, 2007


Today I am feeling sad. I was sitting at my desk at work this morning, and a co-worker asked if I was okay and I lost it. Tears. Lots of tears. She asked if I wanted to talk, and I didn't really. I'm just so sad about everything, plus I hate my job. I don't know what to do.

My job is completely chaotic. Infertility is completely chaotic. I just want something that's steady in my life. I just want a job where I can not feel like everything I do is futile and things get accomplished. Nothing gets accomplished at my job. I've tried to talk to my boss about it, but she just doesn't quite get it. Also, it's quite hard to articulate what exactly the problem is. They are like children. They have all this interesting ideas and they try to do everything, and nothing gets done. It's extremely frustrating.

Plus, I'm a glorified secretary. I agreed to do some paperwork and administrative stuff in order to be able to do database stuff. However, I have yet to do anything database related. They keep changing their minds about how they want to record the data. They keep changing their minds about how they're going to do everything! We are going to be booted out of our offices soon, and there's nowhere for us to move! I can't take the stress. I have enough stress at home. Ireally want to quit.

I had acupuncture, and I feel a little bit better. My acupuncturist told me not to quit my job because my mind is so clouded right now. It's not a good time to make big decisions like that. She's right. I've told myself this before and I want to try and stick with it, but it's really, really hard. Taking time off was supposed to help, but I feel like it's almost made things worse!

I'm so tired of being sad all the time. I've cried at least three times today. T still isn't home yet, and dinner's going to be ready. At least tomorrow's Friday. We are going to have dinner with ulltimatejourney and her hubby. I'm looking forward to that.

Saturday I am hanging out with E, but no baby. I haven't seen her in ages, so that's good, but I'm afraid I'm just going to be a mess the whole time. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal. She is sensitive to the 'mommy' issue and said she'd understand if I wasn't up to hanging out right now. I wanted to try. God, I am such a mess right now. Maybe I'm going through the grieving I put off while MIL was here. I'm not sure. But it's intense.

Thank god I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

she's here

AF has arrived already. Very early. But I think last cycle she came early, so it's no big deal. I think when there is no transfer, it is expected that your period will come within a week to ten days. I made it in 5, so whatever. I will start the pill tonight.

We don't have our follow up visit until May 30. Then we will discuss the drug plan (micro-dose Lu*pron) for the next cycle. I will also be asking tons of questions about what we will do if we decide to go the donor route. I want to know if he thinks we should do medicated (I think probably yes, but am not certain) and whether he would be willing to accept donor sperm and sign a waver and hand it off to us for us to do it on our own if we so chose (which I don't think we will, but I want to know).

MIL leaves tomorrow morning, very early. It has been a nice visit, but it will be nice to have the house to ourselves again. There exists a chance in our future that she will have to live with us. It's vaguely frightening, but we're trying not to worry about that quite yet. It makes T kind of sad to think about his mom's future, so he generally avoids it. But we know it's there and we think of it when she's around. For now, she goes back to Oregon.

Today we took her to the coolest place. The Harvard Museum of Natural History has an exhibit with glass flowers. They are just amazing. They are so real looking. They are so delicate and accurate, and there are enlargements of cross cuts and other plant parts. Very cool. I hadn't been there since I was a little girl, and I really enjoyed it. If you live in Boston, or come here to visit, I recommend it highly.

Monday, May 14, 2007


It is my turn to complete the 'I am' meme that ultimatejourney tagged me for. (Excuse the grammar of the previous sentence. It's been a long week.)

I don't know if this thing has any rules. If it does, I'm ignoring them.

I am opinionated.
I am a teacher.
I am a knitter.
I am a crocheter.
I am a gardener.
I am a reader.
I am kind of uptight and high strung.
I am smart and funny.
I am loud.
I am surprised that I found someone so wonderful to marry.
I am blessed with a wonderful family.
I am stronger than I thought I was.
I am weaker than others think I am.
I am incredibly saddened by all that has happened to us.
I am so shocked when I see my list of 3 miscarriages and 2 failed IVFs.
I am certain that I will be a mom some day.

As I said before, I think this meme has made the rounds, so I'm not going to tag anyone specific. But, if you haven't been tagged, please take this comment as a tag.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

What I did on my birthday

I gardened.

Here is some of the planting I did. This is the garden in the front of our house. I put in some marigolds, petunias, and a couple of other things that I don't remember what they are. The pansies are seeds from the hanging pansy we had last year.

Here is the hanging plant that my MIL got for me as a gift. Isn't it beautiful? It's a lobelia.

I was tagged by ultimatejourney for the 'I am' meme. I will complete that next. It seems to have run its course, however, and I'm not sure if I can tag anyone else. But we shall see.

I am not worried about the party tonight. I am lucky that way. Everyone who will be there (except for the kids) know what we are going through and try to be as empathetic as possible. And my two nieces are older and don't make my insides feel like they are going to explode. Plus, I get cake.

Saturday, May 12, 2007


Today I am 35.

T gave me an i.Pod Shuf.fle for my birthday this morning. It's green and adorable. It will be great for walking and gardening. As he was registering it for me, it asked the age of the primary user. I am now in the 35-44 age bracket. Great.

It's weird how this day, arbitrarily really, has such weight. It feels momentous, yet it's just another day. But here it is.

The MIL visit is going okay. It's a little difficult to try and grieve this cycle with her around, and I wouldn't mind a little time by myself, but it's not bad. She does have a tendency to babble a lot and say things that no one really cares about and has no response to. But if that's the worst thing my MIL does then I'm lucky.

Today I expressed an interested in working in the garden. I will go and buy some flowers and do that for a while. Then we are going out for barbecue for dinner. Yum!

Tomorrow there is a Mother's Day/Rachel's birthday party at my mom's house. My family birthday party has always been celebrated in conjunction with Mother's Day since they are always so close together. I think we may have skipped last year. It being my 35th and MIL being here, we can't skip. But needless to say I'm not so excited about the Mother's Day part of the party. I hope it's down-played. Everyone at the party knows what T and I are going through.

I am having caffeinated coffee for breakfast this morning. I'm such a rebel!

Thank you for your commiserations. I appreciate that you all are here with us as we grieve.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

canceled again

The RE called our house this morning and told us that although all 4 embryos thrived through biopsy and day 5, they were all chromosomally abnormal. Our embryo transfer is canceled again.

Though we expected this news, it is never easy to hear and we are both extremely sad.

We thought that it would be good to get out of the house, so we are planning on bringing T's mother to Newport, RI.

Thank you for your hopefulness for us. We will be trying one more round of IVF with micro-dose Lu*pron, and if that fails we will move on to donor sperm.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

transfer 'scheduled'

The clinic called and my transfer is 'scheduled' for 11:45 on Thursday. I'm trying to schedule acupuncture for that day. I figure, I'll just do the pre-transfer acupuncture, and if (when) the news comes that none of them are healthy, then at least I'll be relaxed.

I asked about how the biopsy for the PGD went, and the nurse had no information. I asked if all 4 are okay, and the nurse I had no information. She did say, however, that they would call if any arrested, so I should go with the concept that no news is good news. I have full confidence that our embryos will survive. Our embryos seem to be strong, initially. I just don't have confidence that they will have healthy chromosomes.

I think I have allowed my hope to be elevated a little lately. I feel it creeping in there. I know that there is only has about a 5% chance of having a healthy embryo to transfer, but I can tell I have had a little hope recently. I need to squash it. Beat it down. I don't want to have hope. Hope hurts too much.

I'm also completely unable to focus on work, so I'm thinking of just taking the rest of the week off. My mother-in-law will be here anyway, and T is taking the time off. So why sit in front of a computer and suffer when I can fix up the house better, enjoy the sunshine and maybe relax at a coffee shop or something instead? I say screw work. Things aren't too busy there anyway. I can check in from home and take care of a few things if it becomes really necessary.

Monday, May 07, 2007


My fat pants are too tight.

I've never been one to obsess over weight too much. I've always been bit overweight. But I would exercise a little and eat sweets and good stuff and it balanced out in its own particular way. I would exercise more and my pants would get looser. I was never what you would call thin, but I was me. And it was fine.

Then I got pregnant. Being pregnant makes you hungry. Being hungry makes you eat. I ate everything. Then I lost the pregnancy, but I didn't lose the couple of pounds I gained.

Then I got pregnant again. It was a longer pregnancy, so I was even hungrier. I bought pants that I could grow into. I gained weight. Then I lost that pregnancy, but not the weight.

Then we were diagnosed with T's balanced translocation. We knew we would have big problems. It was difficult to deal with. When I'm stressed and sad, I comfort myself with eating good food. The weight remained.

Then we went a few months without conceiving. Then we got pregnant and lost another pregnancy. I drank. I ate. I gained a couple more pounds.

Now I've had a failed IVF and have been labeled a poor responder. I turn 35 on Saturday. It's the day before Mother's Day. I eat to comfort myself. I don't exercise enough because I'm too sad to force myself to go. I exercise a little bit, but I eat more. Eating calms me. It's enjoyable. It makes me feel good. But it makes my pants too small.

I think it's too much to force myself to try to eat well while I'm going through all this stress, but most of my clothes are too tight and it makes me feel like crap. Should I go to a hypnotist or something? Gaining this much weight makes me even more depressed. I've gained almost 20 lbs since my first pregnancy.

Ah, infertility, you really know how to beat a girl down.

Sunday, May 06, 2007


All 4 eggs fertilized. This is good, but honestly I'm not surprised. We don't have a fertilization problem. It's just a matter of one of them being healthy. I am still not hopeful that this will be the case, but it is what it is. It's a better chance than last time. I will next hear from the clinic on Tuesday when we will schedule the 'transfer' for Thursday.

Saturday, May 05, 2007


We had to be at the clinic by 9. We left the house about 20 past 8 so T could get some coffee. We got there, checked in and registered. As we were waiting to be called in, we hear the person at the registration desk say things like, 'Are they going to come blaring in with sirens and everything?' and 'They're going to have to evacuate? Even the OR?' After hearing that, T lets out an audible, "F*ck!" and everyone turns around to look at him.

He asks what's going on. There was some smoke in the ventilation system. The fire engines came with the lights flashing, though no sirens. The folks in the waiting room were all looking around. T and I (well, mostly I) apologized. We knew this was our fault. Bad luck follows us around.

They called me in back and had me change and everything. The all clear came in about half an hour. The retrieval was delayed, but it was okay. There was something wrong with one of the a/c units or something.

So, as I'm waiting to go in, there is no sign of T. I ask the nurse to find him and he comes in in a huff. "They forgot me!" he says about his sample. It was taking so long before they called him, and others who came in after were being called before him, so he went to check in. His name was circled, and the men that came after him were already crossed off. They looked at his name on the list. T has a unique name that is not at all common. They looked straight at him and called out two very common names that are not at all like his actual name. He just got up and said, 'Are you calling me?' Apparently he got pretty frustrated with them. But in the end, he was able to do his thing and sit with me until I had to go in.

They got 4 eggs. Honestly, it's more than I expected, but still not quite enough for what we need. But whatever. It's amazing how much less stress I feel based on the fact that I am assuming it won't work. I was actually pleasantly surprised with 4 eggs at this point. I was expecting 2 again. So, 4 it is. We will see how many fertilize.

Then T drives me home. Last egg retrieval I didn't feel nausea at all, but in the car ride I was not feeling good. I put the cold air directly on me and managed to feel a lot better. We stopped somewhere to get me some soup and T some lunch, and I waited in the car. Nausea came over me. My mouth started watering. Uh oh. I'm in the car, T is away, the keys and our iPod are in there, there is no where to go, it is a busy, city street. I grabbed my purse, the keys out of the ignition, the iPod and my purse and just walked around. It was coming. There was a yard next to a building right in front of me. I saw some grass. The yard was fenced in, and it was sort of in a corner. I was in the process of throwing up, so I leaned over the fence and puked in the corner of these people's yard. I have no idea if anyone saw. I was horrified. But boy, did that make a big difference. I felt much better. Well, except for the fact that I puked in some person's yard. But that's what happened. I didn't know what else to do. I'm not horrible, am I? You couldn't really see it. It will just fertilize the lawn, right? It's better than puking in the street, right? I was at a loss. It was awful.

T finally came back and we went home. I have been continuously improving since then. I did manage to eat some soup and bread, and I'm really feeling fine at this point. My cramps aren't bad at all, either. I just can't believe all of this happened. What is it with us, anyway?

Thursday, May 03, 2007


Talked to the RE. I am a poor responder (duh) and likely have low ovarian reserve, even though my FSH didn't show that. Maybe I've really deteriorated over the last year. I think I haven't had a test in about a year. But this is excellent news in time for my 35th birthday. Hurray!

Tonight is trigger. I have a 23, a 20, an almost 16, a 15, a 12 and a 10. So maybe, just maybe, that's 4 eggs. I had seriously considered canceling, but T and I really thought about it and discussed, and we're going ahead with the retrieval on Saturday. We'll see what we get from that. We'll do PGD anyway -- we did it with two embryos last time. And we'll see what happens.

And if (when) that one doesn't work, we will have one more go around with diluted Lu*pron, which is a protocol for poor responders. T wants to give it one last go before we quit entirely. I will comply, but in the mean time we are going to seriously look in to donor sperm and adoption. I want to have all my ducks in a row in case the third round doesn't work. Honestly, I think we are a lost cause, but since there is one last protocol we can try, I'm willing to try. That way we'll know we tried everything.

This cycle really took it out of me. I've been crying a lot. These cycles are torture. I want it to be over. I'm ready to move on. So we will start taking steps toward our goal of bringing home a child. We will try in several different areas. Eventually, one will work out.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

same shit different day - Updated

I still have 4 follicles. The big one is 25 mm. The others are 15, 16 and 17. If the smaller ones don't grow, I will be canceled. My question is, if there is no retrieval, does it count as one of the three we are approved for?

I haven't heard from the RE yet. Don't know what's going to happen. I imagine I'll have to go in tomorrow. This isn't going well.

They called. Everything went as I expected. I go in again tomorrow. Because of the big one, they're ready to trigger. I requested a phone call with the RE to talk about ignoring the large one and waiting for the small ones, or the possibility of canceling. We think that even if we're canceled, it counts as a try. I'm hopeful that maybe we can pay for meds out of pocket and delay the retrieval and other stuff for our next try (if we have one). That is being checked out for us.

It's not worth doing a retrieval for one egg. I'm not even sure it's worth it for 4. I really think we should just have sex and try that way. It seems just as likely to work and it's much less invasive. I mean, I know we can get pregnant. We may have another miscarriage, but is it any worse than all of this? I don't think so.

So, I'll talk all this over with the RE. He's on the side of PGD, I'm afraid, so I doubt I'll get any validation. And T just wants a list of facts and odds and chances so that we can make a logical decision. Poor guy. That's just not available.

I am just so sick of all of this. I want it to end.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

follicle count

Well, my E2 is nice and high, over 500. However, I have only 4 follicles over 12 mm and 4 smaller ones. That's 8. 8 is no good. I had 7 last time, and look what happened.

In even worse news, the largest one is already 19mm. That means I have one way bigger than the others which means there is less time for the smaller ones to grow.

Needless to say, all hope is lost. Okay, not all; I will still be extremely sad and disappointed when this doesn't work. But I really think it won't work again. Oh, to be proven wrong. I usually love to be right. I'm a gloater. I'm an 'I told you so'-er. But this time, please, please let me be wrong.

I am thinking more and more about sperm donation. I thought I was ready, but when this new information comes up about how things aren't going too well, I lose it. I am sad. Very sad. I could have a baby that isn't genetically T's? I know that if we go that route, it will be our baby. I have an adopted niece, and she is most definitely ours. But it's just so odd. So weird. So 'I can't believe this is happening to me and that this is my actual life.' All I know is I'm tired of waiting. It's been a year and a half since we first learned we were pregnant. It's time for us to be preparing for a baby.

I start the antagonist tonight, and I have to go in for another blood level and follicle count tomorrow. Stupid 19mm follicle.