Wednesday, July 18, 2007


It's raining today, which always makes me sad. I thought I was over being sad, but I guess not. Today, I am sad. I don't feel sad about anything specifically. I just feel a sadness in general.

I called the bank, and I was told our donor has more than 20 vials in storage. So that is good news. That gives us a little more flexibility. Our donor also has no pregnancies on record, but I'm trying really hard not to worry about that. He is clearly a new donor. His audio interview was conducted in February of 2007. And sperm needs to be quarantined for six months before it can be released. I guess the question is how many times can they produce per month? But I'm not worrying about it yet. Or at least, I'm trying not to worry about it.

I still haven't heard about the insurance coverage, but I'm trying to worry less about that too. I mean, we were lucky to have coverage for the IVF, and doing the IUIs will not send us into debt because we will have the opportunity to re-evaluate before we get to that point financially.

So, I know that things are okay. But I guess I just want a break. I mean, we have been through so much in such a relatively short period of time. Two miscarriages, an overwhelming diagnosis, preparation for IVF, another miscarriage, and three failed IVFs with only one transfer and an extremely poor response. Then we had to deal with moving on to donor sperm. I guess I'm feeling like I just want something to go our way. I am so sick of this process. I just want to be pregnant already.

I feel like we are so close and yet so far away at the same time. I'm exhausted, and I feel like time is moving so slowly. Each day seems like it's taking forever to end, and it's taking forever to get to the next day. I still have a week on the pill, and then it will be two more weeks until we do the dIUI. More time. I'll probably freak out if the first one doesn't work because every time we've been pregnant, it's been right after going off the pill. So, I'll freak if the first one doesn't work, and really panic if the second one doesn't work. If that's the case, I'm taking Clo.mid for the third one.

I'm starting to go part time next week, but I decided this three weeks ago and I feel like the last three weeks have gone extraordinarily slowly. I don't even know if going part time is going to help me. I'm trying to find jobs to apply to, and I'm just not interested in any of them. I don't know what I want to do, but I know I need to do something.

I just want something to be easy.


Trace said...

Did you guys decide on an open donor? We thought that we preferred an open donor then I read an article that said that they are in high demand so they have a WAIT.

Anonymous said...

I hope something is easy for you. This is all so draining. Wishing you much peace over the next few weeks.

Mony said...

Thinking of you Rachel.

Sarah said...

it is seriously time for something to go your way. i'm confused about something from your last post is his BT not a male factor diagnosis?

AshPash said...

Rachel, you have had a lot to process and have been through so much. Thinking of you and sending warm wishes. Hang in there.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

Of course you are exhausted and sad. There's been many reasons to grieve over this past year or so. You are doing a great job with what you have been dealt....good luck has to come your way eventually.

Until then, hang in there.