Can't Explain

Had another breakdown at work today. I left and worked from home. I was actually productive at home, and I felt a lot better.

As you know, I don't like my job very much. I am often asked to do things that other people designate as something I'm responsible for when it's completely out of my purview and I really don't know anything about it at all. So, I got an email saying one of the Docs told this person that I could help her with some specifics on a topic about which I only know a small amount. I got frustrated. I complained to some co-workers, which is something I do way too often. One of the co-workers suggested that maybe I should find another job. I freaked out. I told her I was looking. I told her I was sick of feel like crap all of the time. I freaked out more. She was, of course, shocked. I tried to cover by saying I wasn't mad at her, but I was mad at the situation. I left (perhaps stormed) out of the office.

Back in my office, I started to bawl. I called T. He tried to calm me down. I considered starting to work part time. Work tends to come in fits and starts, and I can do much of my work from home, so maybe I can work more from home and only work when there is work to do. T thought this was reasonable. It didn't calm me down much. T told me to go home. I decided T was right, and I went into the co-workers' office, and the one that I freaked out at had left. Others were there and I told them, with my tear-streaked face, that I was going to work from home. They asked if everything was okay. They answered themselves saying that clearly, no, not everything is alright, but I'm going to go home. One said if I wanted to talk, she was there for me. I thought that was nice. This woman has a bt (an one healthy son), so she totally understands. But I didn't want to talk.

When I got home, I emailed the person who had left and apologized. She's a psychologist and she told me not to worry about it.

I complain to much at work. Everybody is having a hard time at work. Working where I work is difficult. Everybody is frustrated. I make it worse by complaining so much. But I can't help it. Complaining at therapy once a week just isn't cutting it these days. I am sad so much of the time, and my injections start soon and it's just going to get worse. Sigh.

Speaking of which, my meds came in the mail today. I'm going to be injecting a hell of a lot of drugs into my system soon. The doctor upped my doses by a lot again. Maybe it will help.

Oy. I just feel like I'm at such a loss. I have no idea how to help myself, and I hate that. I feel like the things I'm trying, like therapy and acupuncture are helping a little bit, but it's clearly not enough. I need to start meditating, but I don't. I should exercise more, but I don't. I will weed my garden this weekend, but that's just one, small thing.

I've made plans to for T and I to hang out with E&R and baby S this weekend. I've been feeling guilty because I haven't seen them in so long. Yes, I had dinner with E, but I haven' t seen S or R in probably 2 months. That makes me feel bad. I used to see them 3 or more times a month. I remember when E was really, really pregnant and thinking how things will never be the same again, and then I think how right I was. Things are just so different now.

Thinking is a funny thing. I need to stop. I need to do some more crafting because that, to me, is satisfying.