Trying to cope

Our embryo transfer is scheduled for Saturday. I also scheduled acupuncture. I expect the whole thing to be canceled, but it's scheduled just in case.

I have received a few comments from those of you who have had transfers after retrieving 5 or fewer eggs and/or having 3 or fewer eggs fertilize. While I appreciate your positivity, what you are not realizing is we are doing PGD for a balanced translocation. Without going into details about what that means (you can click on the link of you like) what it boils down to is that only about 10% of embryos are healthy. So, with three embryos there is about a 3% chance that one of our embryos is healthy. This is why I am so negative about there being a transfer. Oh, and if, by some miracle one of these embryos is healthy, there is then a 50% chance that I will pass this translocation on to our child so that he or she will have the same infertility issues that we are having.

Poor T is despondent over all of this. He really thinks everything will not be okay in the end. I hate to see him like this, in such pain. I feel like it's sort of crazy that all of this stuff is happening to us. I just can't believe it. I know it will get easier as time passes, but being in stuck in the middle of it all right now is just awful. We had talked about trying on our own again before moving on to donor, but I'm not sure I think that is the right thing any more. I want to think about these things, but I want to give T some space to grieve. We haven't even received the final answer yet.

So I think I'm not going to try to talk to him about it until after Saturday when we get the final word and then give him a few more days. We are going to my therapist together on Tuesday, so maybe that will help a little in starting the conversation.

I started looking at donors again yesterday. There are a couple that look okay. But as I'm going through these donors, I still can't believe that T isn't going to be biologically related to this child.
I worry about how the child will react to being donor conceived. I am also starting to get worried about whether I can still get pregnant or not. Because I am such a poor responder to the medications, that is not a good indicator of my future fertility. It may take months for me to get pregnant again. Should I even try to get pregnant without some medication?

At work, I was completely unable to focus on anything. Neither my boss nor any of my coworkers were in today. I was tempted to just leave, but we had a volunteer coming in this afternoon. I did have some things to work on, but as I have no ability to focus, I can't seem to force myself to try and work on anything. After waiting for the volunteer to arrive for a long, long time, I decided I couldn't wait any more and I finally left. She arrived about 20 minutes after I left. Sigh.

I have sent out several resumes, but I have only heard back from one place, and I determined it was not the right job for me. I contacted two career counselors. The first one was very expensive, so I wasn't sure about going, but the second one seemed much more reasonable, so I have an appointment with her next week. There are very few jobs that I want without additional training, and my resume just doesn't motivate people to contact me, except for research jobs, which I don't feel like I want any more.

This is all so overwhelming. I'm having trouble reconciling it all. All I want to do is sit at home and craft. But I go to work, waste time and get paid for it. I just feel like everything is a waste.

Update:
T informed me that I forgot to tell his work story today. In the managers' meeting at his work, his boss announced another pregnancy in the group (a close co-worker's wife) and then he said something like, "How many does that make in the last year?" and they proceeded to count off all of the offspring that had been born. And to top that off, one of his co-workers brought in his baby and was showing him off. I told T to go downstairs to get away from the oo-ing and ah-ing. He did, but when T came back upstairs, the new dad was there with the kid saying, "Oh! Here's T! We haven't seen him yet!" Poor T.