Sunday, January 28, 2007

Strange stuff

This is a gross post, so if you don't want to read about the disgusting things that go along with fertility signs and miscarriage, don't read this post. You have been warned.

So, my heaviest miscarriage day was on Jan 15. That was two weeks ago. My hCg, as you know, is still elevated. I haven't been bleeding this whole time, but there have been clots and spotting and other things that I don't know what they are since then. But today I think I started getting pre-fertile cervical mucus, but mixed in were these clots or "products of conception" or whatever they are. If my hCg is still around 40, how can my body be getting ready to ovulate? I have no idea what is going on. I think I might start taking my temperature. I am getting frustrated with this. I do not want to get pregnant again, so I am just keeping away from T. But I want to know what is happening.

Maybe I am getting ready to ovulate and this will be close to a 28 day cycle and I can start the pill sooner. That would be a good thing. But I wish I knew what was going on.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Next steps

T and I had a wonderful conversation with the genetic counselor from out PGD company. We expected it to be terrible, but it was the most intelligent and frank conversation we've had with any professional about having a balanced translocation. It's what the conversation with the genetic counselor at the hospital should have been.

She explained how the probe works. We learned that we will not be able to distinguish between balanced embryos and normal embryos. She told us that we should still have CVS or Amnio if I get pregnant just in case. She told us to expect 0, 1 or 2 transferable embryos per IVF cycle.

She said that the number of transferable embryos per cycle tends to remain the same, as the percentage of affected sperm tends to split up the same way over and over again. So, if we have 1 transferable embryo on one cycle, most likely on the next cycle we would also have one. If we have 0 embryos, we should try one more IVF cycle just in case, but if we have two cycles with no embryos, it will be time to move on to other options.

I expected this report, but it sort of threw T for a bit of a loop. PGD is not the be-all end-all for us, but we can have some hope that it might work.

I have a phone consultation with my RE on Tuesday morning to make sure I can start the pill when I have my next period. There is a small chance he'll want me to wait one additional cycle, but I'm going to really push to not do this.

I also had my hCg taken on Thursday and it was still high -- 43. So, I have to have it taken again next week. Some really gross things have happened since then to make me think that it will continue to go down in a speedy fashion.

Nothing is easy.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

It hurts

I'm feeling sad. Perhaps it's these hormones lingering in my body. I want to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant so much that it hurts. And I don't mean this fake pregnant that I am now, or the fake pregnant I was this time even before I miscarried. I want to be pregnant where I can talk about it with T and get excited. I want to be able to start making a list of possible baby names and tell T he has no sense of adventure. I want to not cringe every time my friend E talks about what's going on with her baby. I want to not cry when I hear that other people I know are pregnant. I want to be able to tell other people that I am pregnant. I want to throw up. I want to feel tired and have trouble sleeping. I want to think about what I'm eating and to stop drinking. I just want this ordeal to be over. There's too much going on with our lives right now. I want it all to stop and to just be able to enjoy my daily life and not get stressed out and saddened by the world around me. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like things are just starting to turn around and look good for us and then some other thing to bring us down comes up.

Compared to most people, T and I live a comfortable life. We are lucky. We can afford our nice house. We have good health insurance. We have good jobs. If something annoying goes wrong (like my car dying) we can afford to fix it without jeopardizing our ability to make our mortgage payment. Things are good. Or they should be. But with these miscarriages and our inability to stay pregnant, every small thing that goes wrong seems like it's adding to this huge pile of shit that I need to endure.

I try to remind myself that our lives are good. Except for this one thing. This one huge, monster thing. But aside from that we have a good life. But sometimes I just feel such little comfort from this fact. I'm not comforted. I'm sad. I'm so sad and it hurts.

Monday, January 22, 2007

hCg levels still high

I had my blood taken on Friday and my hCg was still up at 86. This sucks. This means that it's going to be more than 3 weeks until I get my period so it's going to be more than 6 weeks before we can start injections. We might be waiting until practically April to start this. This whole process is so frustrating! Going simply by numbers, I'm still technically pregnant. I know it can take a few weeks for the hormones to go away, but I didn't have much of a problem with that when I had my last two miscarriages. When I started bleeding, my numbers went way down. But of course it's not happening this time. Sigh.

I have to have more blood taken at the end of the week. Hurray.

I can't believe I've been pregnant the same number of times that my mother has. She has 3 children.

Friday, January 19, 2007

P. S.

C from AUS, you left a long post asking to email but left no email address. If you click on the 'Email me' button on my blog, you can sent me a msg and let me know your email. Thanks for your wonderful comment.


Thursday, January 18, 2007

Back from Cancun

We've returned from our week in Cancun. Though Cancun isn't a place we would choose to go on our own, but it was relaxing and we did some things we had never done before. We went snorkeling at Xel-Ha which was wonderful. We also both got a massage. We ate some wonderful food and drank way too much. When all the alcohol is included, it's sure easy to drink a lot. We also saw a bunch of Mayan ruins. The first was a small site called Tulum, and we went to the huge Mayan enclave of Chichen-Itza which was one of the most amazing things I've seen in my life. It was incredible. So, it was nice to be away for a week, but it is always good to come home.

I started spotting on Thursday and was all out bleeding on Sunday. Monday wasn't a very good day, and of course that's the day we took a cramped (pun intended) 3 hour bus ride to Chichen-Itza. I wasn't happy, but the advil helped. I'm still bleeding a little bit and I'm ready for it to end. It will be about 3 more weeks until I get my period and that's when I'll start the pill. The RE will take it from here.

We have a consultation with the PGD folks on Jan 25. I will call my RE's office after this phone call and inform them about all of this. I haven't told them anything because I just know that they'll want me to have one clean cycle before starting the pill and whatnot.

That's the news for now. T is having minor surgery tomorrow to remove a bump from his wrist. I will stay home with him in the afternoon. I'm not too worried.

Such is life. Onwards and upwards.

Monday, January 08, 2007

No good news

The doctor called. My hCG level on Saturday went down to 83. It went up today, but only to about 98. So, there's really no chance at viability.

We're leaving stupidly early tomorrow morning. Have a good week!

Saturday, January 06, 2007


While driving to have my blood drawn on Thursday morning, my car starting making a horrible noise. I pulled over and shut the car off. I turned the car back on, but the horrible noise didn't go away. I was pissed. I called T. He was crazy busy at work. I called my Dad. He told me to call AAA and take a cab. I cried. I called the mechanic. They could take my car. I called AAA and sat in the car for 40 min waiting for them to tow me to the garage. I called E because she is home with baby S on Thursdays. I lamented what seems to me as my bad luck. E said it was only temporary.

The tow truck came, I took public transportation to have my blood taken, and then I took public transportation to work. I found out my low HcG and the mechanic called to tell me it's going to cost $900 to fix my car. I had just spent $750 on it two months ago. T and I decided it's time to get a new car. Of course, the car was not drivable, so we had to pay to get it fixed anyway.

Friday, it took a while for the doctor to call. I was beginning to freak out. I didn't know what I could do. I didn't want to have a miscarriage on my vacation. I wanted to know if I had to 'act' pregnant or not (read: can I drink margaritas?) But the doctor said though it wasn't likely this was a viable pregnancy, she couldn't say for certain. There was nothing that we could do before I leave on Tuesday morning. The only thing we could do was take more blood and see what the levels were doing. That way I could know how to act on my vacation.

So I had blood taken this morning and will again on Monday morning. I'm assuming it will be going down at this point. The doctor will call me on Monday and she can tell me what to expect based on these numbers. And hopefully I will be able to relax while I'm away.

I will try to post the results from Monday, but as we are leaving at 6 am on Tuesday morning, there's a chance things will be too crazy. But I will try.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Not looking good

My second HcG test was 87. It didn't double.

So, I'm going to have to prepare myself for another miscarriage. No signs as of yet. I'm sad but not terribly surprised. This is what I expected.

I'm mostly sad that I'm going to be on our supposed honeymoon in Mexico while having a miscarriage.

I'm going to talk to the doctor tomorrow to see what we should do. I hope I'll be able to drink while I'm there. I need it.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007


My HcG level is 69.

It's on the low side, but I'm definitely pregnant. I would have liked to see something more in the range of 200-400, but 69 it is. I definitely need to go in tomorrow to see if it doubled. They will run the test STAT so the results will be in before the end of the day.

I'm not feeling particularly optimistic, but there is still a chance. I will know more tomorrow.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Another day

Happy New Year everyone.

Last night when I went to sleep my b00bs were hurting a little. I took my bbt this morning and it was reasonably high. But my b00bs seem to have stopped hurting.

I guess I'm in the over analyzing stage. I'll have the blood test tomorrow morning, and I suppose, depending on the results, I'll have another on Thursday. I'm not feeling particularly hopeful about this, especially with the loss of symptoms. I am pretty confident that our IVF will be delayed for a month. And it also seems like I will know what will be going on by the time we leave for Mexico, so I think I made the right decision.

I'm just sort of feeling like all of this sucks. I suppose there's a small chance that everything is okay, but I'm not feeling confident about it right now and it's hard to keep my spirits up.

I guess I can try and look at it that it's good that I can get pregnant which gives us a little more hope for the IVF. We just need to have some healthy embryos when we do it. I'm trying to keep a small bit of hope for this whole thing while we go through all of this.