Monday, July 02, 2007

beta

As expected, my beta came back negative.

We feel bad. Not depressed per se, but kind of like we don't want to do anything because we don't really see the point. We sit and we know we have things to do, but we have no inner motivation to do anything. I left work a little early, but T, bless his heart, stayed. He always says he can't leave because he has so much to do. While I have no doubts that he does have so much to do, I think he deserves a break, especially on a day such as today.

We are going to Martha's Vineyard this weekend. We're taking Friday and Monday off of work. We will be with my parents (which is fine with me, but may bother T a little bit), but it's still better than sitting at home.

T bought an iPhone for himself this weekend. He really loves it, and yesterday it made him smile a lot. But I somehow doubt he'll be smiling when he comes home today. We think we might go out to dinner and drink some wine.

I feel like this post doesn't really convey how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm writing in this very matter-of-fact manner. And I'm sort of trying to approach this thing in a matter-of-fact way because what else can I do? This is my reality. It's what I have to deal with. My children will not be genetically related to my husband. My children will have half-siblings scattered around the country, possibly the world. The sperm of some man who is not my husband will swim around in my uterus.

I know that once I am pregnant (if such a thing will really happen -- lurking in this world has made me pretty skeptical) that we will be happy, and once we have a baby this won't weigh so heavy, but right now I am feeling pretty damn sorry for myself and my husband. This sucks. I am devastated.

14 comments:

somerville.teagirl said...

I'm so sorry. I have you and T in my thoughts. This does suck; none of us should have to go through this.

I hope you and T have a nice, comforting dinner and drink some good wine!

Mony said...

Of course you are devestated sweetheart. Why wouldn't you be? It is painful, heartbreaking stuff. The road is long Rachel, but you can walk it...you will. You already are. I'm really sorry for you're disappointment. It does suck. A great deal.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so sorry Rachel. So sorry. Hugs honey.

ultimatejourney said...

It definitely sucks. It hurts so badly. And it's hard to believe something so unexpected could happen to you.

Take care of yourselves. I'm relieved you won't be sitting around the house this weekend. And I'm so very sorry about this.

My Reality said...

I am sorry, Rachel.

One chapter is closing, but another one is opening. It won't matter who your children are biologically related to in the long run, what will matter is that they are yours.

Thinking of you.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

Oh sweetie!!! I am SO SO SO very very sorry!!!! You must feel so overwhelmed with sadness right now.

Is there anything that I can do? There's a very good chance that I won't have a temp assignment for Thursday so I could spend some time with you if you won't be going into work. I could take the subway to your house and we could go out for lunch or stay in and cry or anything in between...

Sending you love and hugs!!!

Samantha said...

It does suck. You are allowed to feel devastated. I hope you can find a little peace and solitude this weekend.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry.

Erica

Fourpeaks said...

I'm sorry, girl. My most recent (second) PGD revealed only unbalanced embryos, and we're done with trying for our own, so we're going thru a similar abyss as you. Doesn't it feel like the whole world just screeched to a halt, but everyone around you is buzzing around like ants, and you can't understand how that is possible? Like the whole future just dissolved into the murky sea and you're stuck in a today that never will end? If you feel anything like that, then know you've got someone who understands.

Big hugs coming your way.
I know you will find happiness thru all this.

Becks said...

I am sorry Rachel. I know I can't help but I just want to send you my love and thoughts.

Janna said...

I'm so sorry. There aren't many things that can cut the heart like a negative pregnancy test can. You have every right to feel devastated. Sending lots of hugs your way!

Natalie said...

*hugs* I'm sorry. It's a sad day.

Leah said...

I'm sorry, and very sad for you guys.

I stole a line from your post when we met with the RE today. While discussing the move to donor eggs, I said that I was unnerved by the idea of my child having a bunch of half-siblings running around the state that none of us will ever know. It's just such a weird feeling, and you summed it up so well.

I hope that you find peace with the decisions you are making, and that you even hopefully become excited about the next steps. I'll be thinking of you...

megan said...

i'm so sorry. . .