As expected, my beta came back negative.
We feel bad. Not depressed per se, but kind of like we don't want to do anything because we don't really see the point. We sit and we know we have things to do, but we have no inner motivation to do anything. I left work a little early, but T, bless his heart, stayed. He always says he can't leave because he has so much to do. While I have no doubts that he does have so much to do, I think he deserves a break, especially on a day such as today.
We are going to Martha's Vineyard this weekend. We're taking Friday and Monday off of work. We will be with my parents (which is fine with me, but may bother T a little bit), but it's still better than sitting at home.
T bought an iPhone for himself this weekend. He really loves it, and yesterday it made him smile a lot. But I somehow doubt he'll be smiling when he comes home today. We think we might go out to dinner and drink some wine.
I feel like this post doesn't really convey how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm writing in this very matter-of-fact manner. And I'm sort of trying to approach this thing in a matter-of-fact way because what else can I do? This is my reality. It's what I have to deal with. My children will not be genetically related to my husband. My children will have half-siblings scattered around the country, possibly the world. The sperm of some man who is not my husband will swim around in my uterus.
I know that once I am pregnant (if such a thing will really happen -- lurking in this world has made me pretty skeptical) that we will be happy, and once we have a baby this won't weigh so heavy, but right now I am feeling pretty damn sorry for myself and my husband. This sucks. I am devastated.