Nothing yet

I'm not bleeding yet and my b00bs still hurt. I've been sleeping 9 hours per night or more lately. This really sucks. I have another blood test on Wednesday. I don't know how long this is going to take. It seems like an eternity.

Last year around this time we went to Mexico with T's office and I had a miscarriage while there. This year the trip is to Las Vegas. We leave on the 12th. I was hoping to be done with this miscarriage by then. I realize it's still a couple weeks away, but I'm starting to worry that I'm going to be bleeding for this trip as well. I really hate these trips now, as every time I've gone on one it's been associated with a miscarriage. At least it's the last year they're doing these trips so we won't be having another miscarriage, I mean trip, at this time next year.

I read or hear that many people are glad that 2007 is over and that a new year is starting and that it will hopefully be better. I wish I could be this optimistic. All I see with the changing of years is the passing of time. More time has passed and it seems like I'm even further from all of my goals than I ever have been. I have no job, I'm not interested in any particular vocation and I'm still not any closer to having a baby.

I started and finished this year with a miscarriage. But the year itself doesn't have much meaning for me. I've always found NYE to be pretty arbitrary and I don't enjoy the countdown or any of that silly stuff. We are going to have dinner with E&R and see baby S. I believe we spend last NYE with them. I'm feeling a little ambivalent about it, but I'm doing it anyway. Mailing off the bunny I crocheted for a cousin's baby shower made me sadder than I feel I will be tonight. But I didn't want to stay home and I want to stay friends with them despite what is happening.

I'm still feeling pretty sad and angry. I'm starting to worry that I have a progesterone deficiency, or perhaps a clotting issue. I have a phone appointment with my RE on the fourteenth. I will ask if I was tested for any of these things. I know this probably just happened and there's probably no real reason for it. With the low number to begin with, it seems likely it wasn't viable to begin with, even with the initial doubling that did happen. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

I just don't know what to do with myself until March. Actually, I'm slightly contemplating another Cl0mid cycle so I only have to wait two months before cycling again. I'm also thinking that it's stupid to do that and I should just wait the extra four damn weeks and do the injectables.

Stop this roller coaster! I want to get off!

Oh yeah. And have a happy new year, for whatever that's worth.

Comfort

A couple of people (IRL) have said that at least this miscarriage isn't due to the BT. Or I haven't been pregnant in a while, so at least I know I can still get pregnant. Or that since the BT factor is gone, I must be getting close soon. I don't want an unhealthy baby. Since this is my first miscarriage with donor sperm, it's kind of like it's my first miscarriage.

The people who have said this to me have had some fertility problems of their own.

T tells me that people want to try to look on the better side of things. That when there is something that is so completely crappy, people try to find something good in it. T says that's what the people who say these things are doing.

But to me, that sounds like a pregnancy is something not to be taken seriously. A pregnancy loss is a step along the way. A pregnancy loss is a good start. I can forget about my other three losses because I know why they occurred, and now that we've changed a variable I am starting fresh.

Don't people have a difficult time with one loss? Aren't people devastated when they have one miscarriage? Don't they feel like they've lost a child? Don't they have trouble moving on? Don't they need safety and support to get through it? Aren't other people sorry for their loss?

Just because I have been through this before doesn't mean I've gotten used to it. Just because I had a reasonable expectation that this would happen doesn't mean I'm not bowled over by it.

I have been pregnant four times in the last two years and I have no children. I have injected myself with hormones and gone through surgery, and not once did it result in a healthy response. My husband and I have let go of a genetic connection between my husband and our child. My husband sits next to me and holds my hand while another man's sperm is injected into my body. We pay hundreds of dollars for this privilege. Each time it doesn't work, it hurts. And when we get a small indication that it may work and it doesn't, it hurts even more. Especially when it involves cramping and bleeding and feeling every moment what we are losing.

I feel each of my losses acutely. I don't want anybody to try to get me to look at the bright side of things. There is no bright side of this. This is hell. This is crap. This is being robbed and cheated of something that most people barely even think about. We've had an incredibly difficult time of it, and it sucks. I just want people to say that. Say that it sucks and that you're sorry.

I know that it sucks for me and that I am sorry.

Update:
I just found out that I have to wait a whole cycle before starting the pill for my injectible cycle. It will be almost 3 months until I can have another IUI.

Miscarriage number four, now with donor sperm

My level today was 122. I will definitely be having my fourth miscarriage.

I don't have anything much else to say except for self pitying things, so I will spare you. Thanks for trying to hope for us.

Xmas

Still no bleeding.

My MIL has kind of stopped cleaning things. We drove her around last night looking at Christmas lights and playing Christmas carols in the car. She seemed to really enjoy that.

My parents and one brother's family are coming over for dinner today. It should be yummy, and I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to have someone else around aside from just MIL. She is a lovely person and wants the best for T and me, but it's just tough to have her living here. She really drives me a bit nuts. She drives T a little nuts too, but he is much more used to her than I am. She is just opposite how my family is and that makes her a little hard to understand and relate to. I see ways that T is like her, but mostly he seems really different than her. I just don't get it. I feel like I am much more like my parents that T is like his. Having never met his dad (he died before we met) I guess I only know 50%, but still. I think in some ways he strives to be different.

She's obsessed with FlyLady and is constantly telling us how we have a 'hotspot' there and need to do something here to clean up our house. Personally, I've been too emotionally (and physically) exhausted lately to care about cleaning. I've tried to tell her that, but she thinks she's being helpful by giving us 'pointers.' She once told us she and her husband tried for 7 years to have a baby and she had just about given up by the time she got pregnant with T. I don't get any inkling that she remembers the pain of that time. I can't imagine it didn't hurt her to think that she would never have a baby, but she doesn't seem to have any recollection of how it affected her life. Maybe it was too long ago to remember. Or maybe it was different before all of this technology we have know. We know so much more about things these days. Maybe it's because she grew up as a toughened farm girl, and she is just incredibly stoic. I know she's sorry about our troubles, but I wish she could just let some of this stuff go.

Tomorrow is the big blood test. I'm trying hard not to hold out any hope, as I thing there isn't much hope there, but I still can't help hoping a little. My b00bs still hurt and as I said there has still been no bleeding. But I know the chances of this ending well is so, so slim. I have been looking at betabase and there have only been a handful of heartbeats with levels like mine. People's hcg at 16 dpo are generally 100 points higher than mine was at 20.

I just don't understand why this has to be so difficult for us. There are others I see online who have been through so, so much as well and it breaks my heart. But I'm at the point where I'm getting jealous of people whose second or third IVFs seem to work. That just seems like such a cake walk to me at this point, even though I know even getting to that place where you need to do IVF is so difficult. I understand that the pain of infertility is strong and is there for everyone. I am just so angry and bitter that I most likely am having my fourth pregnancy loss, even after doing 3 unsuccessful IVF procedures and deciding to sacrifice my husband's genetic connection to our child. I mean, what the hell? This most recent IUI being a flat out failure would have been so much easier than this.

I guess we'll know more on Wednesday.

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. And peace to everyone.

As if things weren't bad enough

Today is T's birthday. He's not very happy about it. In fact, he's feeling quite sad. And we woke up this morning to his mother cleaning up our kitchen. She put dishes in the dishwasher and turned it on. While I wish she would just let me take care of things, this is not that bad. She washed my dish drying rack (and ended up breaking it) and then she was cleaning my counters with the poisonous cleaner that the old owners left behind. Then she started scraping an old sponge holder that I've been planning on throwing away with one of my good food knives.

It makes me feel like complete shit when she cleans my kitchen. It makes me feel like she thinks I can't take care of her son. It makes me feel like I am a bad house keeper. Okay, I am kind of a shitty house keeper and I know it, but I don't want her cleaning my house. I can't stand it. I work, I have blood tests, I have been trying to make a baby for 2 years and I am most likely staring my fourth miscarriage in the face. I wish she would just leave my house the fuck alone.

Not looking good

It came in at 168. That's not even doubling in 72 hours. This is not going to end well.

Now we have to go pick up my MIL at the airport tonight as she's staying with us for a week.

I have another blood test on Wednesday. I don't know what I expect for that test, but I do not expect anything with indications of a healthy pregnancy.

Better

Thanks for all of the supportive comments. I'm feeling much better today. I didn't even POAS this morning. I've had slight symptoms all day and I'm feeling strong and confident. I'm feeling like I will get a good number tomorrow.

I am still holding my breath, though. Waiting for that call is going to be excruciating. My confidence is so high right now that I don't know what I'll do if the number is no good.

I may just go POAS now.

Please, please, please let this work out. Please. I am ready.

Paranoia

Fear is an amazing thing. Yesterday I was feeling so great. I got a number that was higher than I had ever expected. I was over the moon. I felt for the first time in a long time that something might go right for us. My b00bs were a little bit sore and I was having a little bit of cramping. It was a sign that something was going on in there.

And then I went to sleep.

When I woke up, my b00bs no longer felt as sore as they had the day before. The cramping had stopped. I suddenly remembered the day during my second pregnancy where I thought to myself my symptoms were clearly not what they had been. Then I dismissed it with delusions of paranoia from losing my first pregnancy. Then an hour later I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding.

The fear of this not working out will not go away. The numbers are comforting, and I still POAS every morning. It still makes a second line and that line seems to be getting a little bit darker every day. Still, if I feel myself up and I'm not sore, I freak out.

I am trying to push this fear out of my mind. Freaking out will neither help nor hurt the situation. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. So far, things seem to be working out in a positive manner. I am trying to breathe and not fret. I am also trying to not feel myself up too much lest I freak out.

I am happy to say, however, that the soreness and some cramping did return by the afternoon, so I am feeling much better than I was this morning.

All I can do is hope for a good number on Friday. I need to take things one day at a time. So far, things seem to be okay. And if they turn out not to be okay, it's nothing that I did. I've done all that I can. Breathe. Breathe.

Beta

Well, it was 88!

I can't believe it! When the nurse told me I started shaking and almost crying, but I couldn't because I was at my temp job where no one knows my story. She told me I should be cautiously optimistic. I go in for another blood test on Friday. On Friday my level needs to be at least 360 for me to not begin to freak out. Actually, I'll probably freak out no matter what.

I'm extraordinarily happy about this. Thrilled, in fact. But the truth in this is that I started with very low numbers, and we just don't know yet. But things are good for now, and I will be cautiously optimistic.

On a completely different note, a placement agency sent me to a company to take a grammar test. They will not interview people who do not pass this test. So, I went and took it, and was told that I failed. We went over the answers, and one of the answers the guy who gave me the test said was wrong was actually correct. The test was wrong. I began to try to explain this to him and I started to get really frustrated. I missed passing the test by one answer, and one answer they marked as wrong was correct. I don't mind legitimately failing, but saying I didn't pass when they are wrong just drove me crazy. Anyway, I went into teacher mode trying to explain how I was right and it was wrong. The guy didn't get it. So, in my frustration I basically said that it didn't matter anyway since I failed, and thank you anyway. I left and called the placement agency telling him the story. While I was on the phone, the guy from the placement agency put me on hold and came back telling me the guy who gave me the test called to apologize and that I passed the test and that he was really sorry.

So it's been quite a day.

Anyway, thank you for all your support. It has meant the world to me these past few days.

(88!)

tested again

I've been using internet cheapies. Today when I came home from work I used a FRED. It was clearly positive right away - I am stunned. I'm not sure if you can see in the picture. I still can't imagine that a beta of 13 will turn into a healthy pregnancy, but it does look like the numbers are going up.

The blood test tomorrow will tell us more, but even if it doubles I don't think I will truly believe.

This is not how I pictured this.

A second line

So, when the beta came back "positive," I figured I'd POAS again to see what's going on. Yesterday there was a darkening where the second line was supposed to be, but the test was definitely negative. T couldn't see it until I pointed it out to him, and he kind of chuckled and said, "Yeah, okay."

Today there were two lines. The second one was very faint, but it was there and it was pink.

What do I make of this?
Should I be worried about an ectopic?

Chemical

My beta was 13.2. Dammit, that's not what I was expecting. I feel like I'd rather have a flat out negative. But oh, well. Now I simply need to be bothered to go in for another damn blood test on Tuesday morning. I also drank 2 margaritas last night and got pretty happy. I'm sure it doesn't matter, but it makes me freak out a little none-the-less.

So, this is something that is a first on our journey. Something new. A chemical pregnancy. I just hope it's below 5 on Tuesday. Maybe that's why they're having me come in on Tuesday, in the hopes that I won't have to come back if on Monday it's still over 5. Sigh. 13.2.

Not to be

Two negative hpts so far. 2007 just wasn't my year. I'll keep testing, though I'm sure it's futile. Beta is on Saturday.

Let the obsessing begin

I've reached the point in the cycle of obsessing. I'm feeling myself up a lot. I'm slightly tender, but nothing to write home about. It is only 8 days post IUI, so it's early yet. Last cycle on this day my b00bs were incredibly sore -- hugely so. But the soreness got less and less after that day, so we'll see if that's what happens this time, too. I'm thinking of doing the POAS thing tomorrow, even though it's really early. I'm also thinking about not doing it tomorrow and waiting until Tuesday. We'll see how much will power I have. Buying internet cheapies really reduces my willpower, though. It's just the prospect of one line holding me back.

I'm really worried that this cycle didn't work and I'm going to have to go on the pill and wait for at least a month before trying again. I know I said we were planning some time off anyway, but I haven't had a cycle off in a really, really long time. I'm just not sure how not cycling is going to sit with me. But I guess, for now, all I can do is just wait and see. T is constantly telling me that I have no control over it and to just let it go. But of course, we all know how impossible that is.

I really have no inkling as to whether or not this cycle worked. I can make myself believe I'm pregnant very easily, but I force myself to stop in order to lessen the disappointment if I'm not. But of course, this is futile too. I will be very upset, if not surprised, if I am not pregnant.

Another person in T's office has delivered a baby -- one that was conceived well after our last pregnancy ended. I'm so tired of this. So tired.

I like my RE

My RE is a good guy. I like him. He acknowledges the crappiness of our situation. He really, truly wants me to be pregnant. He actually said to me, "I can't wait to send you guys off to the OB." He told me not less than four times that he hopes I'm pregnant right now.

We settled on an injectable protocol if I'm not pregnant this cycle. It's a micro-dose Lupr0n flare protocol. That was the cycle that got me 5 eggs on our final IVF. They were mostly all the same size, too, which is the most important. I have a tendency to have one huge lead follicle with a bunch of smaller ones.

The bad news? What would cycling news from me be without some bad news? Come on, you know you were expecting it. Anyway, the bad news is that we can't squeeze it in before our insurance changes. So... we may take that break earlier than we had planned. Though, we will probably find a way to do a cycle by the end of January. With our new insurance it looks like we'll have to pay out of pocket and then get reimbursed. Yes, yes, that's much better than nothing. And we're paying more for the policy that covers 100% (we think). So, we'll be able to get a couple of cycles in while I hunt for a job that provides insurance with IVF coverage.

But of course, I might be pregnant right now!
(hahahahahahahahaha!)

I'm not temping this cycle. I'm trying not to think about it much. I'm trying to be lighthearted. Not sure if it's working. I am feeling myself up already, though. Nothin'.

Anyway, it was a fruitful meeting. I'm planning on POAS on Monday. Oh, and a second line did show up eventually on that test I took after trigger. And my RE convinced me with LH levels and E2 levels that my big follicle didn't ovulate early. He said follicles can grow up to 23 mm (about -- I forget the exact number, but it was big) with Cl0mid before ovulating.

So this is where we are. This month marks 2 years since I was pregnant the first time. I need this to be over.

hopeless already

I'm just already convinced it didn't work. I'm convinced that my large follicle ovulated too early and the smaller ones ovulated with immature eggs.

I peed on an internet cheapie just to be reminded what two lines look like and it came up with one line. Does this mean I didn't even trigger properly?

I cannot have hope that this might work anymore. IVF, maybe, but not this.

And I have to get a job so that I can have the insurance to do IVF. I have two interviews next week, one with a place from a placement agency and one at the place where I'm temping. Just like I can't imagine treatments working, I can't imagine being hired. I have had too many jobs in too short of a time to be desirable. Even though there are reasonably good explanations why I left each job, nobody wants someone who jumps around in the workforce and that's what my resume looks like.

I'm trying to remember that T and I are comfortable and we live good lives, but it's just so difficult to find comfort in this under these circumstances. I just feel constantly desperate. I am desperate. I am desperate for some comfort.

dIUI #5 Complete

We had the IUI this morning. I think my cervix and uterus are getting used to that catheter because the last to IUIs have been pain and cramp free. 25 million sperm with 85% motility for the new donor guy. Smaller count, but much better motility. I'm hoping that's a winner.

We asked about our new insurance, and it looks like once we switch over, we will have to pay out of pocket for the procedure and then get reimbursed. I think the meds will still be covered, though, since we will order through a mail-order pharmacy.

I'm hopeful that we can sneak one more cycle in (yes, yes, only if we need to) before we switch insurance. This will mean doing injections and monitoring while my mother-in-law is staying with us for Christmas and T's birthday. She is arriving on December 21. This will all be discussed at my appointment with the RE on Thursday.

T and I are talking about taking a break from treatments for a month in January. We are both worn out from this. I am not ready to stop for next month since it will be our last cycle with the good insurance, at least for a while, but if I'm not pregnant after that cycle, I think we may take a month off. We are going to Las Vegas in the middle of January, and we just need to not think about all of this stuff a little bit. I mean, we have a routine on our IUI days. A routine. This is how we know we've been doing it too much. I don't want to take a break, but I'm not sure my mind can take this for much longer. Of course, we will go back and do injectable cycles and then on to IVF again. But we are just desperate for a break from all of this, and January just seems like the right time.

Please let this one work so I don't have to think about this anymore.

The things people say

At work today, I was complaining about how much I pee. I mean, I pee a lot. Especially when I'm drinking tea and water. And today I woke up not feeling great, so I drank more fluids than I usually do. So I peed a lot. And I mean a lot. Once every hour or two. And the other night I peed four times in one night. FOUR TIMES. So, I was telling the 70 year old woman about this. And she said, "You better be glad you're not pregnant!"

I almost let something slip. I almost said, "Yeah, I remember from when I was pregnant," or something to that extent. But I didn't. I stopped myself. I managed something like, "Tell me about it," or something.

But I'm not glad I'm not pregnant. And how does she know I'm not? I could be pregnant and she wouldn't know. I think she knows that something is up with me about fertility stuff. I don't know why I think she suspects, but I do.

This woman had natural triplets 45 years ago.

Sigh.

The meeting about the job placement stuff was good. Trigger is tonight.

Monitoring

I had monitoring this morning. The good news? There were 4 (yes, 4!) measurable follicles. The bad news? One was over 20 mm, two were in the 15 mm range and one was more like 10mm so they were not all the same size. In the hopes that the two 15ish get bigger so they can produce a mature egg, we are waiting to trigger until tomorrow night. IUI will be on Saturday morning. I picked up the sperm this afternoon.

I was actually excited and happy after the nurse called and told me that we were going to wait until tomorrow for trigger. I sort of freaked out that I was happy and excited, but I decided to go with it for a while. I'm trying to convince myself that *this* is the cycle.

I have an appointment with the RE next Thursday to discuss the injectable cycle. I'm really wondering about it. I mean, my Cl0mid response is almost as good as my injectable response, so does it even make sense to do them? I guess we'll figure that out next Thursday.

I have a couple of appointments with job placement agencies this week. We'll see how that goes.

Here we go again on the roller coaster.

Oh, and dinner was incredibly amazingly wonderful. If you ever go to Cambridge, eat there. Delicious. The kind of meal where you sit and you eat and you enjoy. Just fabulous.

Anniversary

Today is our 2nd anniversary. We have reservations at a lovely restaurant called Oleana in Cambridge. We went there after our friends S&G got married. It was one of the five finest meals I've ever had -- up there with Blue Ginger. I hope it will be similarly magnificent this evening.

We were going to see a movie too, but the one we wanted to see is only playing in downtown Boston, so I'm not sure we're going to make it. Perhaps we will see a different one. Perhaps not. We did go see a movie on Friday. We hadn't been for a while. We thought the movie was excellent. It was the Coen Brothers' new movie, No Country for Old Men. Depressing as hell, but well acted, well done, and there wasn't a single baby or mention of a baby or pregnancy during the entire film. We considered it a win.

Thanksgiving was fine. It was nice to have the days off, and the food was delicious. Has some slight inter-family quibbling, which is annoying, but what can you do? Sometimes my two sisters-in-law butt heads a little. And they both talk to me about the other. I don't like it.

Last night I went to see E&R and little S by myself. T was too sad after hanging all weekend with my nieces and nephew. It is so cute how much some of my nieces love T. They head-butt his belly, they sit on his lap, the giggle while he teases them. T doesn't have much experience with kids, so it's nice that they get along so well. It's too bad that it makes him sad, though. But anyway, little S is such a toddler now. He's walking and talking and completely knows exactly what he wants at all times. He throws little tantrums when he's frustrated. I find it funny. Is that cruel of me? I always think little kids tantrums are funny. They are so easy to see through. I know it's frustrating when you have to deal with them all of the time, but until then I guess it will make me smile.

I've started crocheting a purse/bag for my niece for Chanukah. We draw names, and I drew hers. I hope she likes it. I'm going to make one similar for myself at some point. It's nice to craft again, though my finger is still numb.

I have a cousin that may have a job for me that is only 2 miles from my house. Not bad.

I have one more dose of Cl0mid and my first (and most likely only) monitoring is Wednesday. That puts me on track for a Friday IUI.

No decision

Because I started bleeding on a Saturday and today is CD3, I cannot do injectables this month. It takes longer than a day to get the insurance approval and I'm supposed to start meds on CD3. So no injectables for me.

I was really disappointed at first, but in the end, I think I'm okay with it. I can still do Cl0mid with monitoring and a trigger shot. Since I'm so oddly paranoid about multiples and we don't know what the 'action' with this donor is like, I'm happy to try one cycle without the injectables. I had two nice sized follicles with the Cl0mid, so that's a good start.

We will set everything up to make sure that if this cycle doesn't work that I will be able to do injectables for the next one. If that one falls through, I will truly be angry.

I can't believe that we're doing this for the 5th time.

New day, New donor

Blood test is out of the way. We are on to a new donor.

We weren't as picky this time around. We still believe that personality is more important that looks, but this donor is a big guy, just like my T is a big guy. He is strong in math, just like my sweetie is. He reported that he is stubborn, and my dear T has a stubborn streak, himself. He has at least one reported pregnancy, which our last donor did not. He had a family member who suffered from infertility and has a niece who was born via a donor, and that's when he decided to donate himself. He is not an open donor, but we are just going to live with that. His reason for not being open was that the parents that raise the child are the baby's real parents, and he doesn't think he should get involved. I can respect that. Though, if this works out and we would contact him one day, I hope he would be amenable.

Choosing was easier and much faster than I had anticipated. Our last stab at it was long and painful. I guess it's easier the second time around. We bought 4 vials.

I am still planning on using injectables. I'm terrified of multiples, but that feels sort of silly. I really don't want to have multiples. I know a lot of women think twins are great, but I don't. If I ended up with twins, I'd be okay with it, even though it wouldn't be my first choice. But I am completely and utterly terrified of more than that. I guess I shouldn't worry about it since I'm such a poor responder to injectables anyway.

Here's hoping that this guy works.

What is, and what I hope will be

I kept thinking how I would word the blog post that my negative was just an early false negative and that -- surprise, surprise -- I'm actually pregnant. I couldn't believe that this process wouldn't work for us yet again. When I woke up this morning, I contemplated taking another hpt, but I wasn't ready to see one line again. My bbt had dropped by a few points, and that was enough of a sign for me. And yet, here I am, still thinking that maybe it has just dipped, and if tomorrow my bbt is up, I will certainly pee on another stick. Is this a sickness? Have I lost all signs of sanity? Is it possible to go about normally in a normal world when this is how you think? Intellectually, I know that I am not pregnant. It's just, without any signs of bleeding or a blood test, I cannot completely let go. Why can I not let go?

I am thinking about letting go a lot. When is it time to let go of this quest to be pregnant and birth a live child? How much emotional energy must we spend? When do I know it is time to move on?

I am not ready to move on now. I'm giving myself about 6 more months. But in 6 months, I'm not sure I'll be able to do this any more.

I think about adoption all the time. Right now, I am too angry at the world to pursue it. Why should we have to spend our entire life savings to get what people make accidentally? Why, in order to save some money, do I have to not be able to raise my child from infancy? Why, when we got pregnant three times without any trouble can I not get pregnant now?

I have grieved infertility from the male side, but I guess I haven't grieved my side of it yet. It's funny, it's not the genetics that are getting me. It's the experience of seeing a child grow from nothing into something ready to exist outside its mother's body, to welcoming it to the world. I want to be part of that, and I'm not ready to give that up.

This is how I know that we will find some way to try IVF with the few eggs we get from me when we do IVF. Without the 1 in 10 chance of the translocation, it's possible that our few embryos will work. If that fails, maybe the expense of donor embryo is worth it for us, even if it's spending money for only a chance at something.

All of this is so damn hard. I can't believe that all of this shit has happened to us. The unfairness of it all overwhelms me.

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to make myself believe that I'm truly and honestly not pregnant.

Negative

Took a test this morning. Of course, it was negative.

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. We will find a new donor, probably do three rounds of IUI with injectibles, and then I don't know what. We found that one of the insurance options for T covers a total of 6 IUIs with ovulation induction (lifetime). So, at least we can do a couple of those on T's new insurance policy.

Should I find a new job to get coverage for IVF? That could work. Or should we move forward with one of our adoption options. Honestly, I think we will probably do both.

Meanwhile, we are again, just sad.

Crazy

This is the part of the 2ww where I go crazy. I'm constantly feeling myself up. Sometimes I feel quite sore, and this makes me happy. Other times, I feel almost nothing and this makes me convinced that I'm not pregnant. Again.

I also constantly think about the quality of the soreness. Soreness on the insides of my breasts is just premenstrual cramping and it isn't hope inspiring. Soreness on the outsides of my breasts inspires hope. Soreness when I move them up and down is a good thing. The lighter the touch and the more the soreness, the happier I am.

I think I was more sore yesterday than I am today. That is not a good sign. Yesterday I was feeling pretty hopeful, but I am feeling much less hopeful today. I know there is just no way to know. I know that I will know soon. T has tried to forbid me from feeling myself up, but there's no real way he can do that.

I'm still planning on waiting until Tuesday to test.

I feel like I get more and more insane with each cycle.

Getting dark early

It's just after 4 and it's really starting to get dark. Winter is on its way.

It's one week since the dIUI. B00bs are the same. Slightly sore, but nothing notable. Not much going on in the uterine area. I do feel tender, sometimes, when I sit, but that is most likely leftover swelling from the Cl0mid. I am still hoping to hold out on the pee stick until Tuesday. I'm not very hopeful. But there's a tiny part of me that is. I hate waiting.

I haven't done much in the searching for what we're going to do if this cycle fails. We really need to go over donors to pick a new one, but we haven't even looked again at the finalists from last time around. I did read some adoption brochures. They made me cry.

Embryo donation is more expensive than I anticipated. It looks like it's close to $3000 just to get the embryos. Then we'd have to pay for meds and for the transfer. So, I'm guessing that the final total will be in the neighborhood of $7000 - $10,000. I'm not sure it's that much less expensive than IVF with my own eggs, so... I don't know. We're still in the beginning stages of all of this. I don't know how much FET meds are. No stims, I guess, so maybe it would be cheaper than the overall total I've mentioned, but I'm not sure. Needless to say, it isn't sounding that great at this time. But it's still on our radar.

I'm thinking of cleaning the kitchen and then making cookies. Oatmeal Scotchies, I think.

Nothing doing

I'm already feeling myself up to see if my b00bs are sore. It's only 5dpIUI.

Of course I think they might be a little sore. Of course I think I feel things in my uterus. I feel these things every time. If you look back at my blog, you'll see I'm convinced I'm pregnant every single cycle. Even when I'm not. Sometimes even after I start bleeding.

Right now, I'm hoping to wait until Tuesday before I POAS.

We've starting thinking about adoption. I still like the idea of using a donated embryo, but being very pro-choice (even after all of the crap I've been through) and I just can't stand the idea of giving money to an anti-choice organization. I have barely done any research, but I am hopeful that some of the organizations are about making families and not about 'saving babies.' Anyway, we are looking into domestic adoption. I'm not ready to start pursuing it yet, but I feel like we need to start thinking about it. If not for our first child, then maybe for our second. And maybe for both. And maybe not. I just hate how uncertain everything is. It's all so ambiguous.

I feel like our entire situation is ambiguous. Nothing has been decided for us. We don't have to use donor sperm. We could try on our own and possibly get pregnant. People with balanced translocations do it all the time. Granted, they have tons of miscarriages, but they have children, too. So, we could try on our own. We thought the donor thing would be faster. But I know T grieves the loss of passing on his genes. And though I have been pregnant three times from having s3x, I just can't seem to get pregnant from these dIUIs. At least not so far. Maybe my fertility has become quite compromised in the last year or so. We don't know. We have every possibility in front of us. I realize that everybody going through this has choices to make, but sometimes things are decided for you. I feel like nothing has been decided for us. It's all just up to us and what we think we want to do. We have to guess at what will be the best (and quickest) thing for us.

T is in a bad way. He's just so sad again. Almost despondent, really. I'm not sure what causes his ups and downs. Talking about adoption in therapy made me cry. Maybe that was part of it. He's just been sad for the past few days aside from that, though. Last night he asked what if having a baby doesn't make things better for us. He's worried that our sadness will stay around no matter what. We've been sad our entire married lives. I got pregnant for the first time one month after we were married. I miscarried at 5 weeks. We've been struggling ever since. He just can't imagine that once we have a baby we will feel better. He feels like we've put all our eggs in one basket (so to speak). He's afraid that having a baby won't fix that ache he has in his heart. I told him I really thought it would be better, but I can't promise that. I don't really know for sure. I imagine it is true. I can't imagine that things won't be better once we finally get a baby some day. Other things will move in to bring us troubles -- things will never be perfect. But I think they will be better. I wish I could get him to believe that. I really don't think he does. It makes me so sad to know how sad he is. I'm still trying to not be too sad. It's not working as well as it did last cycle.

It's all just too much.

Nothing and Everything

I sometimes still read blogs, but I honestly have dropped off in that area. I check in on a few, but I rarely comment anymore. And because I don't really participate anymore, I realize that not as many people will participate in my blog. I am fine with that. It's only fair. If other people's blogs make me sad, it only comes to reason that my blog probably makes other people sad. I do appreciate every comment that everyone leaves for me. Thank you for that.

Other people's blogs make me pretty sad these days. There are only a small handful of people who were in the thick of things when I first started that aren't pregnant. This makes me incredibly sad. I wish I could be a bigger person and be happy for all of the people for whom fertility treatments have worked. And in a way, I am happy for people. I often say I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. And it's true. I am so glad when people are able to achieve pregnancy (or adopt) and can get out of this hell hole of infertility. But that doesn't mean that it's easy for me to hear about other's pregnancies. I certainly don't want anything bad to happen to people. It has happened to me, and I absolutely do not want anybody to have to go through that. But again, I still find it difficult to read about heartbeats and milestones and symptoms and preparing for baby. I just can't deal.

Honestly, I also often feel resentful of people who are able to achieve pregnancies where there is a full genetic connection with both parents. I get jealous very easily these days. I know it's wrong, but I just can't help feeling that way. I know it will ease once I finally find my way out of this hell.

I know some day that all of this will be over for me, whether it is achieving pregnancy somehow or adopting. And I expect this blog to change when that happens. But it is difficult for me to imagine that day happening. And until then, this is all that remains.

dIUI #4 complete

We had the IUI this morning. The sperm count, as usual, was excellent. 38 million, 59% motility, moving in the right direction. The timing should be good, so am I allowed to hope this time? I know I hope every time, but I feel like it is with a good bunch of skepticism. We shall see.

In the meantime, we will pick out a new donor for next cycle, should we need it. My mother also got the name of an adoption agency from a friend of the family. If this cycle doesn't work, I think we may just get some paperwork done so that, if we decide on adoption, we can have paperwork done ahead of time. This friend had a domestic adoption. I really, really want an infant, so it would have to be domestic adoption for us, if that's what we want. I also need to start doing embryo adoption research. Does anybody know anything about it? I thought our RE's office had a program, but they don't. I'm just worried that an embryo adoption place will just be full of fundie freakiness. I don't want to have anything to do with that. And yet, I would be happy to adopt someone's leftover frozen embryos. Why not? Oy.

Has anyone seen the maxi pad commercial with the pad on a mechanical bull? T saw me watching that commercial and just started laughing at the look on my face. What the hell is that about? So, so stupid. Clearly written by men.

Trigger

My trigger shot is tonight. At my ultrasound I had two mature follicles, one at 22 mm and one at 21 mm. This is the first time I've ever felt good about an ultrasound. I was hoping for two follicles, but sort of expecting only one. Two is good. I'm happy with two.

The IUI is Friday. Both T and I are taking the day off.

If this doesn't work, we are going to switch donors, so we have to go back to the drawing board with finding someone we both think is good. We will first go over some of the choices we made last time.

If this doesn't work, we will also try to do injectibles next month, as it is the last time for a while that they might be covered by insurance. Our RE thinks this is reasonable.

Tonight we will be handing out candy. I just finished the jack-o-lantern. I want to go pick out a costume to wear, but I don't know if I'll actually do that. T is feeling down. He's already sad about the cute kids that will come to our door. Also, there is a baby shower for his boss at work tomorrow. He's hoping he can make himself scarce at that time. I hope he can too.

I also hope we give away all the candy we bought because if we don't, I'll just eat it all. And no one needs that.

and more time passes

I didn't carve, but I did make applesauce. Monitoring is Wednesday. I half expect to trigger that night and have the IUI on Friday. We shall see.

Went for a walk with E&R and toddler S. It was a little sad. R completely does not understand the infertility crap. He even forgot that if I have fertile time that T's presence doesn't necessarily solve things. T was really down afterward. He just looks so much like R that it hurts T just to see that. I wish I could do something to help him at these times, but I know there isn't.

I have a pinched nerve in my neck and I went to the chiropractor for the first time today. What an experience! Two ENORMOUS cracks. Wow. I just hope my symptoms alleviate. I'm going back a few times a week for a while.

The Sox won the series. I'm glad. I'm happy about it, but it just doesn't have the elation that 2004 had. It's nice when they don't lose, but I guess I just have other things on my mind.

Keeping on

I have nothing much to say, these days. I've started the Cl0mid. I have my first monitoring next week. I had an in person interview with that good job that I still don't want. It's becoming slightly harder to resist, but they definitely work 50 hours a week, and I'm not sure I can handle that. But it has some really good earning potential.

We're psyched about the Red Sox, but I get so tired I fall asleep around the 4th or 5th inning. The games start so late. Looking forward to a nice, fall weekend. I think I'll carve a pumpkin.

dIUI #4

I will be doing a monitored Cl0mid cycle for dIUI #4. My first monitoring will be on Halloween, which also happens to be my brother's birthday. I got approved by insurance. I should have a trigger shot and everything.

This may be our last cycle before our insurance runs out.

Since it is our last vial from this donor, we may decide to choose a new donor before proceeding. Though, we may not. We may decide to try on our own if this fourth IUI doesn't work. We may not. We may decide to just do a few more IUIs with the reduced insurance coverage. I'm not sure if monitoring is part of the new plan. But, we may not.

I feel the future is very uncertain right now. But this 4th dIUI will be monitored and maybe that will just help with the timing a little bit.

Over

I got my period last night. I called to cancel my blood draw tomorrow, but the doctor wants the negative on file.

Can anyone say mojito?

Just sad

I have been miserable all day. My temperature went down today. I don't think I'm going to test tomorrow. I will, however, test Saturday. I'm having a non-blogger infertile girls' night out, and I want to DRINK, so I'll test Saturday just to make sure. I'll temp tomorrow to see if it was a fluke dip or if it's really over. Needless to say, I'm not feeling very hopeful.

I had a phone interview yesterday. This job is perfect for me in many ways. It involves training and data management. It's with a cool and growing company, and there is room for advancement. It's really near my house. The people that work there are diverse, smart, and they work hard. There is opportunity to occasionally travel to cool places including Prague and Geneva.

I don't want this job. I don't want to work 45 or 50 hours a week. I don't want to travel sometimes. What if I have to miss fertile time? I don't want to have to be responsible for anything. I like my 30 hour a week with no responsibilities. I feel like my job is to get pregnant. That's a huge enough stress and responsibility by itself. I've had it for 2 years. I know it well by now.

I feel horrible for not wanting this job. I should want this job. I am a very smart person. I have a graduate degree. I am a good, critical thinker and I am an excellent teacher. I am capable of so much. I feel guilty not using my brain. I'm doing the work that someone with a GED could do. And yet, I still don't want this job. I have an interview set up for next week, and I will go and be enthusiastic. But I'm terrified. And I don't want the job.

I've been pretty much at my wit's end today. I saw no less than 3 pregnant women today not including the one at work. Babies made me cry again. That hasn't happened in a while. We have one vial of sperm left. I'm going to try to do monitoring and a trigger shot next month. That leaves one month before our insurance changes. Don't know what we're going to do then. But I'm entertaining fantasies of trying on our own again in January until I find a job with insurance coverage. You never know, right? And T's sperm seems to be the only sperm that wants to make me pregnant. We may have to choose a different donor too. And then there's the donor embryo route.

Right now, I just can't imagine a world where everything works out.

White

White, white, white
And yet, I will test again.
Friday. Can I hope?

Nervous

I've decided to POAS in the morning. I am nervous. Every time I think about it I get butterflies. I'm trying to deep breathe, and it does help, but then I just get nervous again.

I still have some breast soreness, and I have had some very slight cramping, so I can't help but feel hopeful. Still, I'm trying to prepare for a negative. I don't want to get too hopeful. I remain quite skeptical that I might be pregnant. Still, that damn hope is always there.

I suppose I will know tomorrow. It will be 10dpIUI tomorrow. It could be too early, I guess, but somehow I don't think so.

I feel like I need to hold my breath until then.

Conflicted

I can't decide when to POAS. The earliest I would do it is Wednesday morning. That would be 10dpo or 11dpIUI. Though, supposedly I did ovulate on the IUI day. It's just my temp didn't go up until the next day.

As far as symptoms go, I know I can convince myself I have pregnancy symptoms no matter what, so I just can't go on symptoms. I had an 'implantation dip' on 6dpo, but last cycle I had a perfect triphasic chart and I wasn't pregnant, so that doesn't mean anything either. My b00bs are a tiny bit sore, but that is a side effect of the cl0mid, so that doesn't mean anything either. I'm half hopeful and half convinced I won't be pregnant again. I just have no idea.

Of the three times I was pregnant, once I had no clue or symptoms what-so-ever and two times I had a pretty good idea. So I can't really go by that either. That and the fact that those pregnancies didn't last, anyway.

So, I have to decide if I want to know for sure or if I want to be in I don't know land. I do want to know before the beta. I will definitely POAS on Saturday if I don't during the week. I'm so afraid of disappointment.

I keep visualizing what I would do if I got a positive pregnancy test. I just can't imagine it actually happening. I think I might scream or cry if I were to get a positive, but I just don't know. I'm still remaining somewhat calm, but this is the point where every twinge in my body has some sort of meaning. I hate it. But would I rather stop analyzing because I have a negative? I don't know.

I do know that if I ever do get that elusive positive, I am going to be very, very paranoid about diminishing symptoms. That happened to me during pregnancy #2. I had strong symptoms, and I remember my breast soreness going away. I remember thinking I was paranoid about losing symptoms and that I was just crazy, but of course later that day I started spotting. And that was it.

I wish I had some faith in this process. I don't. But I do still have a tiny bit of damn hope.

Why is it always so hard, or, the happiness quest day 6

I went out to dinner with some people from my last job. Though I didn't like the job, the people are very nice. So, we decided to get together for dinner and hang out. The group has disintegrated even more since I left. I'm two for two on that front. My job before my last job has also disintegrated. At least that means it makes sense that I left both of them. Anyway, I mentioned another former co-worker, the one who is adopted and moved to CA with her husband. The news? You guessed it. Oops! She's pregnant. They had planned to wait a year to start trying, but she wasn't on birth control.

It's amazing how that kind of news never loses its sting. My co-workers know that I've had some trouble getting pregnant and some of them know I've had a miscarriage or two (they don't know about the third), but I don't talk about it much with them, and I'm sure they don't know that news like that can make my ears ring leaving me unable to concentrate for several minutes. They don't know that this news is like a punch to my stomach. They don't know that this can make me want to start crying immediately as a release for the anger and frustration that someone's easy first and viable pregnancy creates in me.

I didn't cry. I kept chanting to myself, "I am not being depressed anymore. It's okay. Forget about it. I am not being depressed anymore." But I have to say, this news has definitely set me back a little. I have been doing very well not obsessing and not feeling bad for myself lately. I've been able to push the sadness and the anger and even much of the jealousy away. The ready-to-pop woman at work is hardly bothering me these days. But this blow was just a little more than I could handle.

It's amazing how bitter and jealous one person can be. I get so angry when people have so easily what I have tried to achieve endlessly and tirelessly for two years. I just feel like my losses are incomprehensible to these people and I just don't understand why poor T and I have got such a short end of the stick.

But I am doing a little bit better today. I'm trying not to think about it too much. It is sort of working, I think. I want to get back on my happiness track. It was feeling pretty good.

I have a phone screen on Monday, an interview on Tuesday and a Red Sox ALCS game tonight. My b00bs and nipp1es are a bit tender, but I'm absolutely certain it's Cl0mid side effects. I'm trying to decide how early I want to poas.

Some bad news

T's company was purchased recently. In January, his health plan changes. The plan for the new company doesn't have good infertility coverage. The IUIs will still be partially covered, though we will pay more than we do now as a copay. And I'm pretty sure that any injectable medications wouldn't be covered. But they will not cover IVF. Not at all. So, the magic of living in Massachusetts may be short lived.

Needless to say, I think I am going to try harder to find a full time job so that I can have health insurance through my work. That way, if we need IVF, we can have coverage.

A bump in the road, but just a bump. We can get through it.

Needless to say, if I'm pregnant (and stay that way), this is something we will not have to worry about for a couple of years. We have until New Years. I'm having a hard time hoping I might be pregnant, but of course being pregnant would solve this issue, at least for a while. And there is no pre-existing condition policy for the new health plan, so the entire pregnancy would be covered without a problem. Oy. No pressure.

Trying to be happy

I have decided that I need to try to be happy. Yesterday, it worked. I came home from work and did laundry, emptied the dishwasher, washed dishes and made a wonderful chicken stew. It was delicious. I loved it. This is what I wanted to do when I started working part time. I wanted to come home and do stuff around the house and cook more. And that's what it did. It felt really good. I felt almost content. I'm trying really, really hard not to think about the IUI and what may or may not happen. I just want to be in a good place.

Today I did some errands after work. Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend who had her last IVF transfer on Sunday. We're going to knit. Oh, and I made a couple of more beautiful hats. Don't have pics yet, but I'll post them if I do.

The only problem is my upper back and neck seem to have seized up. I'm kind of in major pain. The right side was a problem last week, and it kept getting better, and then this morning the left side seized. I'm trying to sit with the heating pad a lot, but it's pretty painful. I'm worried that it may be the keyboard at work. It's pretty high. But, we'll see. I suppose I could ask for a sliding keyboard tray. That might help. It's just that I'm only a temp, and I don't know if they'd rather get a new person than a keyboard tray. But I guess it doesn't hurt to ask.

And T isn't doing this happiness thing quite the way I am. He's been feeling pretty down lately. I wish there were something I could do to make him feel better, but it seems I can't. And it's so difficult to force yourself to be happy when you see your beloved husband so down. I want to help him. I'm so ready for all of this to be over.

Done

We did the IUI this morning. I tried to take it easy today, though I made spicy wings and apple crisp, plus did a little laundry. We watched a lot of sports today. Between baseball playoffs and football, the day was full. I think I felt ovulation pain around 2:20 this afternoon. The IUI was at about 9:30. That should be good timing, if that's what it was.

T wants me to blog about my good deed for the day. As we were waiting for the IUI, we saw two families with kids go straight to the family waiting room. We were pleased as we had previously complained about the number of children in the regular waiting room. A third family came in with two young girls and sat in the main waiting room. T saw a woman move away from them. I got pissed and complained to the woman at the front desk, asking of she would direct them to the family room. She told me that they all had been told to go to the family waiting room and looked annoyed to see the family there. I went back to sit down, and after a few minutes we noticed that the woman at the front desk had asked them to go to the family waiting room. Of course, at that time the mom came out from her blood draw or wherever she went, and they proceeded to leave. But I felt good about talking to the woman at the front desk. There was marked improvement since the last time we were there.

I forget if I mentioned how a three year old fell on top of my while we were waiting for our last IUI. Even if I did, I think it's worth mentioning again. One day, while waiting for a donor IUI at an infertility clinic, a toddler was climbing the furniture and fell on top of me. Do people not think?

Anyway, I've been trying to laugh and smile today. I'm trying to be relaxed and visualize positive things. I am convinced that the timing of this IUI could not have been better. I am trying to believe that it could work. I will not go eat my delicious apple crisp with some vanilla ice cream and hope that the Yankees lose.

Peeing, peeing and more peeing

I finally got the huge surge I was looking for. This morning the two lines looked the same. This afternoon, the LH line showed up before the control line. The IUI is definitely tomorrow.

Of course, I called my RE's office to schedule and they don't have a record of me starting my cycle. I was apparently supposed to call someone on CD1 to tell them we were having a cycle. The fact that I spoke to the doctor on CD3 didn't clue them in to the fact that we were doing a cycle. I have no idea. I got pretty upset with the nurse on the phone. Happily, she finally allowed me to schedule the IUI and said we can deal with the paperwork issues later. Argh! This is so frustrating. I honestly did not know I had to call on CD1. But I guess I know now. And we're scheduled for the morning, so that will be fine.

We did a little retail therapy today. I bought two pairs of shoes and a new cat tree for the kitties. T also tried on a jacket and boots that we're going to get for him. Maybe we'll get him some work shirts too. Retail therapy helps a little sometimes.

So, dIUI #3 is on. 2ww # twentysomething is on. Maybe it will work? I'm trying very, very hard to relax. That seems like an oxymoron, but I'm trying none-the-less. T says I'm clearly making the effort to be relaxed. He thinks it's working a little. I let things roll off my back slightly more than I have previously. On the other hand, he says, I still find things to worry about. I guess it's a slight improvement.

I have to go clean the kitchen. Our house is a mess. I find it very difficult to motivate to clean anything these days.

Weekend and stick peeing

I peed on an OPK today. I did it at work so it wouldn't be so early in the morning. It wasn't that clear. I think it was negative, but I wasn't 100% sure. I think this is the difference between first morning urine and not first morning urine. I was going to pee on another one, but I decided to just do first morning urine tomorrow. And if I have a temp spike tomorrow morning, I can just have my IUI tomorrow, no big deal. The timing would still be fine. I have the sperm in the garage, so we are all set.

So, T and I have decided we have begun to utter sentences we never imagined we would utter. "I have the sperm in the garage," is definitely one of those sentences. How many people have said this? "Rachel has to go pick up our sperm tomorrow," is something else T has said -- and then thought about it, and then is amazed at the things that come out of his mouth. It's so weird. We imagine that we are the first people in all of human history to say these things. If you don't laugh, you'll end up crying.

I'm hopeful the IUI will happen this weekend. If not, it should be by early next week. I hope it's the weekend, though. Then I won't have to take time off work. But there's nothing I can do about it. It happens when it happens.

I keep trying to imagine a scenario where this IUI works and I get pregnant. I know I hope and I pray and I freak out about being pregnant, but I am at this point where I can't imagine that it might be so. How could this possibly work? I can only think about what will be next. Will we do another Cl0mid round? When we run out of vials from this donor, will we try to find a new one? Will I start monitoring? It doesn't even occur to me that we may not have to do this again. I mean, I want it to work. I hope it works. I pray it works. I do not want to do this again. But I can't imagine that it will work and we won't have to make another decison.

Sad today

The other receptionist had to cover for someone on a different floor, so I had to sit at the front desk with the pregnant woman all day. She's due in exactly one month from today, so there is a ton of baby talk with her. It's all people talk to her about. It wasn't bad for most of the day, but I find myself feeling sad. She keeps saying how she's ready and how she wishes the baby would come soon. From that, I can totally tell she's a non IF-er. An IF-er would be paranoid about giving birth before 37 weeks, and would want to keep the baby in for as long as possible to decrease risks. She's ready now, at barely 36. From what I can tell, she's been married for less time than T and I have been. She keeps talking about how much the baby is moving and how he's pressing on her ribs. It's just hard to listen to over and over.

And yesterday T got a picture of the boss's new baby. And the boss responded to T's well wishes, referring to him as 'Uncle T,' which is nice, but poor T's response to me was, "I'm tired of always being Uncle T.' It makes me so sad.

I'm picking up our vial of sperm on Friday. If things are fast, we'll have an IUI on Sunday, but I bet ovulation will be delayed again. Not a huge deal, I just like when it falls on a weekend and we don't have to interfere with work. But it is what it is. Nothing I can do about it.

I feel like I have been more relaxed lately, but I also wonder if it's just that I've become so numb that it feels like I'm relaxed. Our house is a complete disaster, and I just don't have the energy to clean up. I can barely get any chores around the house done at all. I can simply go to work and knit.

Speaking of knitting, no one has signed up for my knitting class so far, so there is a chance that it might be canceled after all of that. I was looking forward to teaching a little again, so that is a disappointment as well. Though, I always knew there was a chance that it would be canceled. It's just that I turned down jobs to keep those afternoons free, and it may have been for naught.

Tonight the Red Sox have their first playoff game. We will watch, but I'm honestly not that excited about the playoffs. I feel like that's another sign of my numbness. I'm a pretty huge Sox fan ordinarily. Of course, maybe it's because they've played like crap lately. Who knows.

I'm trying to hold my chin up (I hate that phrase) and I just can't tell if I am or not. I'm probably not, but I'm crazy enough to convince myself that I'm doing better. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and just clean the fucking kitchen.

Busier is better

My temp job is going pretty well. It's not glamorous. It's very simple and straightforward, and I'm not using my Master's Degree, but it keeps me busy, it brings in some money, and I don't really have to think about much while I'm there. I like it. It's working for me right now. Don't know how long that will last, but for now it's pretty good.

Of course, there's a very pregnant woman in the office. She's due in 4 weeks. It's her first. They talk about it in the office all of the time. I was shocked at how okay I have been with it. I don't see her and get upset or angry. Seeing her, I was taken aback a bit, but it didn't trigger tears or any huge, sad feeling. I even talked to her about it a bit.

There was one time when the baby was pressing against her ribs and they were talking about it that I really, really wanted her to go away, but aside from that I've been remarkably okay. I'm not sure where that's coming from.

There was one time when she was sitting out with me, and I asked her a few questions to try and make myself feel better. I didn't get how long they've been married, but they bought their house more recently than we did. And she's only known her husband a 'few years' she said, so it's not like they've been together forever. So I couldn't feel any better about the status of things that way. If they had been together a lot longer, I could feel a little bit better about the situation. But no, it seems she's a regular fertile who probably got pregnant through sex within 6 months of trying and never thought about it again. Sigh. But still, I'm not feeling awful about it.

The Cl0mid is having fewer side effects this time around. I think I've only had one hot flash. I don't feel my ovaries. I'm not sure if it has any meaning. Tonight is my last dose. The IUI will probably be in about a week. I'm not thinking about it much this time around.

My interview went well, but I really don't think I want the job. T thinks I should consider it more than I am. I dunno. I guess I'll see if they want me. But I just don't feel like taking a real job right now. Though, it would be a bunch more money. I just want to work this job for a couple of months and just calm down before taking anything, though.

I'm yearning for calm.

Keeping On

Tonight I will take my 3rd dose of Cl0mid for this cycle. Tomorrow morning I will go to work. Tomorrow afternoon I will have in interview for a job that I don't think I want. But I will go and try and be perky anyway. Maybe I'll want it after the interview.

I went clothes shopping yesterday. Ugh. I'm a terrible shopper, but I've been watching "What Not to Wear" so I think I know have a better idea of what kinds of clothes I need and how to look for them. I tried on so many things that I never would have tried on even two months ago. The problem? Nothing fits. These 20-25 lbs I've gained have really hit hard. After 3 hours of shopping I got one skirt, one pair of pants, and one shirt. That's it. I need more.

But none of the shirts fit. When I try on a regular XL shirt, it's usually too small. Then, when I go to the 'Women's' section for plus sizes and try on the smallest size, I absolutely SWIM in the shirts. They are way too huge on me. I don't get it! WTF?? How am I supposed to find a shirt that fits?

I spent some time with a fellow balanced translocation friend yesterday. We had brunch. It was lovely. I was supposed to hang out with E, but she caught a stomach flu, so that didn't happen. T and I went out on a date for dinner and a movie which was nice. We saw Eastern Promises which was good, but was very dark and had at least 2 violent episodes where I had my eyes closed the whole time. Oh, and there was an orphaned infant. The last time we went to see a movie to kind of get lost in another story we saw Pan's Labyrinth, which also contained a pregnant woman who died during childbirth and the baby theme existed, albeit tangentially, throughout the movie. Tangential baby themes seem pervasive in the movies we choose. Not really a good thing. Sometimes I think we shouldn't bother and just stay home and watch TiV0.

No hot flashes yet, though my bbt was up higher this morning. This happened on the Cl0mid last time.

We just keep on keeping on.

Work

I got a 2 month temp job today. It's a switchboard receptionist type position at a huge insurance company. It's not too exciting or challenging, but it's a job that goes from 8-2. I can teach my class in the afternoon and still keep it. I can schedule interviews in the afternoon and still keep it. The people seem reasonable. I hope this one works out. I will feel better at least bringing in a little bit of money. And I won't sit around thinking too much all day.

I feel relieved about that.

I also have an interview for a full time position on Monday afternoon. And a meeting with a recruiter on Tuesday afternoon. But I have this temp thing going, so I can ride that one as long as I like. They'd probably keep me longer if I want to stay. So I can take a real job if I want, or I can stay temping part time if I want.

Getting there at 8 will be slightly tough. I usually carpool with T, and he drives me to the subway, and he doesn't like getting up early. I'd want to leave the house around 7:15. Don't know if he can be ready by then. But I think we'll try. If not, there is a bus that leaves around then. So I'll have alternate transportation if I need it.

I still feel relieved. Less anxious. That is always a good thing.

I picked up my Cl0mid today. Even though I supposedly worked through the insurance coverage thing, they still didn't cover it. Not a huge deal, but annoying. I still think I can apply for reimbursement for it anyway, so I'm not that annoyed. Only slightly annoyed. But there it is. I start it tomorrow. Hot flashes, here I come.

Oh yeah

I forgot to mention. T's boss's wife had her baby. He's a boy. We think he was conceived while we were in Mexico for T's work vacation. Remember, the one where I was having my third miscarriage? Yeah. So that sucked. Especially for T.

Sigh.

Stressed

I feel stressed.

I've been thinking about my emotions a lot lately, and I think I might be more depressed than I think I am. I was anxious about leaving the house yesterday. I have small panic attacks reasonably often. I'm freaking out right now about something that isn't worth freaking about. I am having trouble motivating to do routine tasks. I force myself to do them, and once I start I'm okay. But I think I'm really having some troubles here. I need to calm myself.

What is stressing me out right now is work stuff. For the longest time, nothing with potential in the work part of my life has moved forward. But today, all hell has broken loose. I've gotten like 7 calls about jobs today. One is a part-time two (or so) month job from 8-2 that will take me through the knitting class I will start teaching soon. That should be a good thing! But then I freak out about when I will have the IUI and when will I meet with my therapist and how I just can't possibly work a job from 8-2 that doesn't have any flexibility. But T assures me I can get there at 8 without a problem. And we can meet with our therapist in the afternoon. T said he'd make time for it. And I told them I may have one or two doctor's appointments, and she said that would be fine. So, it's okay.

Then I get called from two recruiters about two different jobs. I'm a little overqualified for these jobs, but I think that's okay. I think. At least I might as well interview for them because I don't have to take them. I can simply learn about the positions, and if I don't want them, I don't have to talk them. So I should go for it. In fact, I have an interview on Monday after my new part time job. Why do I not feel more relaxed yet??

I talked to my RE yesterday. He convinced me that the timing of the IUI wasn't a bad one. I sort of changed my mind about that before, but he helped me feel that way with confidence. We talked about the possibility of monitoring, but I'm not convinced that I need it at this time. I think the timing is fine. I just didn't get pregnant. This happens. I'm 35. So, I'm going to use the Cl0mid and the OPKs again this month. I was this close to doing 2 IUIs too, but I'm not ready for that either, yet. Despite that study from 1998, he's completely convinced that newer data show that 2 are not necessary. I'm still going with that for now. But I'm going to either take the OPKs in the afternoon or double up this time. We shall see. If this third one doesn't work, I may very well do the monitoring. I'm just not ready for that yet.

Thanks for all the positive feedback about the hats. I bought some more yarn. Because of all the positivity, I'm definitely going with the $20 plus shipping charge. They are various children's sizes -- 0-6 months, 6-12 months, 2-18 months, 24 months, etc. I could make adult sizes, but I'd have to charge more for those. I'm also working on some baby socks/booties to match some of the hats. I could sell them as a combo. I also have scarves. Maybe I've got something here! But I don't think I could knit as fast as I can sell, and I like to make things for myself, too. But I feel good about this. Thanks.

I'm off to try to de-stress myself. I'm feeling slightly better, but I still have that nervous feeling at the pit of my stomach and my shoulders are tight. I'm going to go work on some socks.

Boring Tuesday

Last night T and I treated ourselves to fancy dinner. We got a gift certificate from my parents about a year and a half ago, and finally went to have the dinner. It was at Blue Ginger which is owned by one of those famous chefs, Ming Tsai. I had the lobster. I can honestly say that I think it was one of the most delicious things I have ever eaten. It had tons of black pepper and garlic, and it brought out the lobster flavor just wonderfully. It was one of those dishes that you take a bite and are just giddy with happiness each time you bring the fork to your mouth. T loves it when I do that. Good food can just make me so happy sometimes. For dessert I had a little cheesecake with bing cherry sorbet. That was wonderful, too. And we had sake. And some delicious spring rolls. We relaxed. We chatted. T had the Alaskan Butterfish. It was delicate and lovely. It was a wonderful dinner. We had a nice time. That is our goal, to have a nice time sometimes.

I'm trying to create a website where I can sell my hats and some other things I've made that I don't have any use for. I'm thinking of selling the hats for $15 or $20 plus shipping. T even bought a domain for me. I'm working on the pages, but I don't really know how all this web stuff works. I suppose it's maybe some good job training to set all of this stuff up. I think maybe I'll set up an eB@y store with a link back to my site.

Here are some hats:


Right now I'm focusing on knitting a vest for myself, though. I'm a very selfish knitter. Oh, and I'm finishing the blanket I crocheted for our living room. Hm, still selfish.

There's absolutely nothing going on in the job front right now. I'm calling the temp agencies and mailing out my resume, but I'm not even getting nibbles. I'm mostly overqualified for all the jobs I feel like having right now. I wonder if that's why things look so bleak. The coffee shop didn't even call me back. I suppose I could go back and talk to the manager again about a job, but I just don't feel like it. I don't want to work evenings or weekends. I just want a nice little office manager job somewhere.

So here I sit, drinking a decaf americano, playing on the computer.

Joni Mitchell

I love to sit and listen to Joni Mitchell and just cry.

Thank you, Joni.

Again, a negative

I had my beta today. As expected, I am not pregnant again. The results turned around in less than an hour and a half, which was pretty impressive. I wasn't expecting the call until later today. This nurse seemed less hesitant than others to give me the bad news. I sometimes wonder if some nurses put off the negatives until the end of their phone calls and others try to get them out of the way first before calling people with updates and positives.

I have to set up another phone call with the RE. I have to decide whether to do 2 IUIs next cycle. Honestly, I'm hesitant to do so. I think I'd rather change the timing of my OPKs. I'm going to start taking them between early afternoon and early evening, and then just schedule the IUI for the next day that way. Or, maybe I'll take 2 OPKs per day -- one in the morning and one in early evening. That way I know know what's going on and schedule accordingly. The OPKs seem to work for me, and using twice as many is still much, much cheaper than using 2 vials of donor sperm.

I don't even know where I am emotionally right now. I have been sad for the past few days, but I don't feel really sad right this second. I guess I'm feeling numb. I can't believe how my IF resume is growing. 3 m/c, 3 failed IVF w/PGD, 2 failed dIUI. All of this has happened in two years. It really boggles my mind.

T and I are starting to talk about donor embryos. We're definitely not there yet, but my way of coping is thinking about next steps. We do have several steps before we get there, but I want to find out what those options are like, how much it costs, how/if we're able to have some choice in the embryo selection and things like that. Before we really get to embryo adoption, we will definitely do more dIUIs with both more Cl0mid and injectibles and we will also look at changing donors and trying again before moving on, so we have a while before we get there. I'm just really losing patience with this process.

I called the temp agency and told them I couldn't go back to that job. I lied about the reason, and the woman didn't sound very pleased with me, but screw that. I needed to get the hell out of there. I know it was the right thing for me to do. So I'll have to call for other jobs tomorrow.

Sometimes I wonder when I'll wake up from this nightmare.

I think I need to start doing yoga or something. Allie Domar says that depression can affect fertility. I'm starting to wonder if I'm the reason I'm not getting pregnant.

My day at work

So, you know how I was worried that my job was near the Children's Museum? Turns out my worry was justified. I've said before, I hate it when my paranoia proves valid.

The office is in the same building as the museum, but I walk through the door and it says, "Do Not Enter" so I look around the corner. The only way in is through the museum entrance. I walk in and ask, and they say, yeah, go on in. There are scores of toddlers and moms with strollers EVERYWHERE. I go to push the button for the elevator and there's a mom and a kid there. It's the same elevator that the museum uses. I'm practically in tears as I enter.

It's a beautiful day and I go to eat lunch outside. The elevator is more full. There's a tiny baby. Someone asks how old. 2 1/2 weeks. More babies. More strollers. I sit outside. More, more, more. I start to cry as I eat my PB&J. I go upstairs right after I finish. More babies. More toddlers. More strollers. I walk into the office. I am sobbing uncontrollably. I can't calm down. I can't speak. I try to breathe and calm myself down. The grandmotherly woman in the office gives me a hug. I have to come clean. I explain to her about fertility treatments. She says, "I completely understand. I have 4 adopted children." Thank god! At least she won't think I'm completely nuts and tell me to "just relax and it will happen when you least expect it." I still feel terrible.

I'm not going to be able to complete this job. It's not worth it. I told her I would stay until they can find a replacement. This woman is the only other person in the office. It's just not a good situation. I'll call the temp agency tomorrow. I'm just not sure what I'm going to tell them.

And of course, I bought more pee sticks on the way home.

Hope diminished

It was negative. Snowy white. Not a hint of color. I didn't use a cheapie, either. I used a real life store bought test. My hope is waning.

I'll probably test again tomorrow with the hope that 11dp dIUI is still too early.

I've been cranky, exhausted, had some cramping, have lots of wetness and my BBT is still very high. Though I must confess, I am boosting my progesterone a little, am I just willing myself to have these symptoms? T was sure it would be positive. He's highly disappointed.

I don't know what to think. I'm thinking it's a bust.

I have a new, open ended temp job starting today. It's located near the Children's Museum. It's in a tiny office. We shall see how that one goes. I'm not sure being near children is the best thing for me right now.

Evaporation line

I caved. I couldn't wait any longer. It's 10dpo, 9dp dIUI. It wasn't positive. I left it on the sink and went back to bed for an hour. When I came back the crazy lady who scrutinizes pieces of paper that I urinate on could see something. Not a positive, but I could see where the line was supposed to be. That's an evaporation line. I didn't get those last time. So.... it was too early, I'm thinking. My b00bs hurt a bit less than they did before, but I can still feel a little something. I got an 'implantation dip' with my BBT yesterday (possibly -- who really knows). I had a little cramping yesterday. I swear my imagination goes wild. I had a cramp that I would swear felt like a little tiny speck diving into my uterine lining. I'm insane. This whole thing is making me a crazy person.

So, I give it a 50/50 chance. I used an internet cheapie that Mary Ellen so kindly bestowed upon me. I don't know if that means anything, but it is what it is. I'm not testing again tomorrow, but I will on Thursday.

The commute to the temp job wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. It was only one bus, and only one stop on the second subway line. Takes less than an hour. No big deal at all. And I'm happy to not be home obsessing.

Damn evaporation line keeping hope alive.

Hope?

Can I allow myself some hope for this cycle? Do I dare? Is it too dangerous? I am scared to have hope. Hope has led me nowhere except to despair. But what else can I do?

It is 7 dpo. My b00bs are starting to feel pretty sore. And I am starting to feel exhausted. I fell asleep last night at 9:30 (during a Sox/Yankees game that went very, very bad) and slept until about 7:30 this morning. And now, when it's almost 9pm, I'm exhausted and cranky again. I'm not sure I can stay awake.

I can't help but feel some hope creeping in. I promised myself that with the seemingly poor timing that I would have none. I told myself with the pregnancy announcements that I couldn't make up symptoms to make myself feel better. But there it is, creeping none-the-less.

What do I do with this? I feel like I actually hate hoping. I hate hoping that things might work this time. How can I possibly hope for that? I feel like the chances of all of this working out are just so slim.

And yet. And yet.

Headed for the Weekend

I have a temp job for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. The thing is, it's in a place that is very difficult for me to get to. To get there by public transportation, I'd have to take 2 different subway lines and 2 different buses. Doesn't sound good. Didn't realize it was that bad when I said yes. I was only expected 2 subway lines and 1 bus. I asked if they have parking there. I think traffic may be better to deal with. Though, I'm not sure. I guess it's just 3 days and whatever. Is $12/hr worth that? I'll just bring my shuffle and a book and whatever. I just hope it doesn't take more than an hour.

The beach was lovely yesterday. We actually ended up going to a small island (sorta) community and walking around. I say sorta because there is a big causeway with a beach along it that lets you drive there. It originally was an island, but it isn't, really, anymore. We sat on a rocky beach and talked about all sorts of things. The weather was warm -- but not too warm, and the views there are beautiful. It was a good way to spend the day.

Then I had dinner with my family. We started with the traditional apples and honey to bring in the sweet new year. If you've never tried dipping apples in honey, I definitely recommend it. Especially nice, tart apples. It's great. For dessert I made a lovely chocolate mousse and the piece de resistance, a lime-white chocolate cheesecake with oreo crust. It rocked. I was so pleased with myself.

We aren't planning on doing much this weekend. It's a big sports weekend with the Yankees in town and the Pats game. Yeah, yeah, I know about the cheating and the huge fine and the scandal. Pretty lame. But they're still my team. And T voluntarily came to me and said we should do some cleaning and organizing this weekend. I'm still picking my jaw up off of the ground, but hopefully we can organize a couple of rooms.

Today I simply have to clean the kitchen. It's terrible. All the dishes from my baking are lying around everywhere. I may even wash the floor! (We have the Scooba robot that does it for us, but it's still something.) Then tonight we'll grill and watch the Sox hopefully beat the Yanks.

Big Papi Delivers

What a great night for a ball game. The weather was clear and cool, the game, despite some problems with the starting pitcher, was interesting. And Big Papi, David Ortiz, hit a walk off 2 run home run in the bottom of the 9th to end with a Red Sox win. I scored the game diligently, and T and I enjoyed ourselves immensely for a few hours. I love baseball. I love Fenway Park. And I love it when we win! (Especially when the Yankees have won elsewhere. Don't want to lose any more ground before they come to town this weekend.)

I decided to not go to temple today. Instead, I'm hanging out with my friend, and fellow Jew, N. We are thinking of going to the beach. She says that, often, that's what secular Jews in Israel do for the holiday. So we are going to do that. Unless we change our plans.

I did end up applying at the coffee shop yesterday. I spoke to the manager, and I thought it went well. I'm hopeful that she'll call for a more formal interview. I also stopped by the yarn store nearby and applied there as well. The manager said that he will assess if he needs any new people at the end of the month, and will be in touch if he does.

I have some baking/cooking/preparing to do before N shows up. Still feeling sad about all the pregnancies, but I've stopped crying (mostly). I'm glad she's coming over so I don't have to spend the day alone. What we do isn't as important as the fact that we're simply hanging out and doing something together. Keeping busy and having company is so important.

jealous again

T and I are going to the game tonight. The weather has cleared up, so hopefully it will be better than last time. And hopefully we will win.

It is the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashana) and I got sent a New Year's bulletin from my mother's cousin. His daughter is pregnant. She's in her early 40s, and my mother told me that she and her husband were 'having trouble' but there it was on the bottom of the note. I was furious at my mother for not telling me. To be fair, she may not have known, but I sent her an email about it. I wonder what their 'trouble' was. Part of me wonders if she had donor eggs. But I don't want to ask her. She's due in February, which means she just passed the 12 weeks mark. We went to a party at her house in July. She must have been doing whatever they were doing to get her pregnant around then. She literally cooked for over 50 people by herself and she works full time, so I don't know how she could do that and undergo treatments, but she seems kind of the wonder woman type.

This is her second marriage, and in her first marriage she said several times out loud that she didn't want children. I guess maybe it was her first husband that didn't want them. Of course, everybody's allowed to change their mind. I was just surprised when my mother told me they were trying because I always just knew that she didn't want kids. New husband must have really wanted some.

Why can't I just be happy for them? Why does this kill me so much? It really just makes me miserable and jealous. Especially if they didn't use donor eggs. Then I'll really be jealous. But who knows if I'll ever know. I'm sick of all of this pain.

I just got an email from my mother. She didn't know. She learned via the letter, too.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to synagogue on the high holidays. T is not Jewish, and he has to work on Thursday for Rosh Hashana, so I would have to go alone. We found a synagogue that we might want to join, but it's full of young couples with children, and membership dues are not cheap. I suppose I could just go for the service and not join, but I just don't know if I want to go alone. There is a separate children's service, so there probably won't be a ton of kids there, but I'm just not sure I feel up to it. But then I feel guilty that I don't feel up to it. I told my family that I'd go there, and I just don't want to 'fess up to them that I just decided to not go this year. But I just don't know if I can do it. I'm going to just decide in the morning, I guess.

Hopefully the Sox game tonight will be a good distraction. I love baseball. I think I may go to a coffee shop today and apply, too. I'm meeting my friend S later to help her choose some yarn to make a scarf for her husband. I also need to cook for the dinner tomorrow night at my brother's house. I'm making broccoli with Parmesan butter, lime cheesecake bars and chocolate mousse. So, despite not working, I'm pretty busy. Hopefully that will elevate my mood.

I just found out another cousin is pregnant with their second after 'trouble' and a miscarriage. I'm still a selfish bitch and am not able to do anything with that except be sad for myself. I hate wallowing in self-pity, but that's just where I am right now. This pregnant cousin is very lovely and was adopted herself, so I'm sure she would be very sympathetic and understanding. But the fact of the matter is, she is having two children that are biologically related to herself and her husband and we aren't. At this point, we're not having any children.

I really hope some of this anger, sadness and jealously goes away once I'm (hopefully) pregnant. Not sure what will happen if we end up adopting.

Sad

Today I am sad. Maybe it's the much needed rain. We really need some rain in the Boston area, but the dark days always get me down. I also think the Cl0mid side effects are happening now. It's weird how they don't appear (except for the hot flashes) until a week after I stop taking it. But I have had fertile cm for the past few days and my n1pples have become incredibly sensitive.

The temp thing isn't going very well. There are several long term jobs that would be fine for me, except I have signed up to teach knitting to middle schoolers on Wednesdays at 3:30 for 5 weeks, which means I can't take a long term job. I am thinking about trying to get a coffee slinging type job which might be more flexible. Right now I wonder if anybody will hire me. I'm just feeling like every job is wrong. But I don't like not doing anything, either. I just feel so useless. I'm kind of excited about the teaching knitting thing, though. It just doesn't really pay much. And by not much, I mean I'll probably get like $100 or $150 for doing it. So I really mean not much. The coffee thing is sounding more and more appealing, somehow. I just need to find one that's easy to get to.

Did it anyway

Though it was probably too late, the nurses thought we should go ahead and try it anyway. Eggs survive for 24 hours after ovulation, and with the sperm being placed directly into the uterus, they thought there was a chance they could get to it before it died. T and I discussed the pros and cons, and the only con was the cost, and we determined the cost would not forever alter our lives, so we just went in and did it.

Our thoughts were that with the Cl0mid, perhaps there was more than one follicle, and they all wouldn't necessarily ovulate at the same time, and there was a chance that it might not be too late.

Needless to say, I'm not particularly optimistic.

Anyway, as I said before, the next time we do this, we will plan on having two. One on the day of the LH surge, and one the day after. That way, if I miss it by a day (as I did this time), we will have already done one IUI and we can just skip the second one.

The problem was I took the OPKs in the morning. Apparently this is too early to take them. You're supposed to take them in the afternoon. I guess I didn't realize this. I don't remember being told this. As you could tell, I was worried the timing would be off. I hate it when my paranoia is proved correct. But what was I supposed to do? Take an OPK at work? I don't think so. There isn't enough privacy at many places I've worked to do that sort of thing. I suppose I could do it after work, but then I'd have to schedule the IUI same day. I guess that's not out of the question, but I was told that the day I get a positive OPK, schedule the IUI for the next day. And that's what I tried to do. And that's not what happened.

But what happened happened, and there's nothing we can do about it. It just is. Just like all this infertility stuff just is. We just have to keep moving forward.

Something is bound to happen some day, I guess.

Missed it

My temp went up this morning and the IUI was scheduled for 9. I'm going to be canceled. Update later.

the surge at last

I surged! I surged! The line was really dark, which I'm hopeful means something good. So I'm not worried about that any more.

Well then, what am I worried about now then? Well, if you must ask, I'm worried about only doing one IUI. Many people do two. Last time the timing was fine. I surged, I had the IUI, and the next morning my temp went up. But what if my temp goes up tomorrow? What if my surge started last night? I know, I know. I'm over-worrying. But that's what I do! For the record, I'm not super worried. I'm just -- concerned. It's a thought in the back of my head. But I only picked up one vial this time, so one IUI it is. I guess I can let it go, take my chances this time, and re-assess if it doesn't work. Last time was totally unmedicated with one IUI. This time it's Cl0mid with one IUI. If it doesn't work, the third one will be Cl0mid with two IUIs. That seems like a healthy progression. Not to worry. It's a good strategy. Right? See? I've managed to convince myself!

Now, there's this bridge in Brooklyn that I'd like to sell you....

waiting, waiting and more waiting

I decided that I can't go back to this job next week. This morning, I was given a hand written email to send. I typed it up, sent it and printed it out as usual. Then the woman made some 'corrections' to the email, and I informed her that it had already been sent. This woman went off on me. Why did I send it without her approval? I told her I thought that she just wanted me to just type it and send it out. I didn't realize she wanted to approve it. She told me that I'm not there to think and what I think is not important. I am only there to do what she tells me to do.

Well, no one talks to me like that. I told her she couldn't speak to me that way. I was so angry I was shaking. But right then and there I knew I could not tolerate it there for another week. So, I let the temp agency know I was not willing to come back. I explained the situation to the woman there, and she seemed really grateful. So now I'm on the lookout for a new temp job. I have a couple possibilities pending, but nothing definitive yet.

See, I can't even keep a temp job.

In cycle news, I have none. Still no positive OPKs. Still no cm. My temp is still low, though, so I must not have ovulated yet. I'm kinda confused. Maybe ovulation is just delayed. I'm hoping for a positive OPK tomorrow, but who knows.