Saturday, June 23, 2007

still 3%

The worst part of this process, in my opinion, is the morning of the transfer when we are waiting for that phone call to be canceled. We know it is coming, but we have to spend the morning pretending it's not, just in case a miracle happens. I was very concerned because I had acupuncture scheduled, and I didn't want to go in to acupuncture before we were certain there would be a transfer. We started driving to the clinic and I stared at my phone to ring. It finally did when we were about ten minutes away.

One of the cells from one of the embryos they biopsied had no nucleus. When there is no nucleus, they cannot see the chromosomes in order to perform PGD. Two of our embryos came back from PGD and were diagnosed as unbalanced. Though they may have grown normally, as some of our other unbalanced embryos have, we know they are not healthy and they will be discarded. The remaining one, we know became a blastocyst, but has completely unknown chromosomal status. We could transfer it and wait, or discard it.

We chose to transfer it. How could we not?

We asked what it meant that it didn't have a nucleus. Dr. On Call said it could be a sign that it's not a good embryo and it won't implant, or it could be just a fluke. The embryo could have healthy chromosomes, or it could be an unbalanced embryo. We just have no way of knowing. He did recommend transferring it, though, since it is our last IVF and we don't want to leave IVF and move on to donor with anything left out there as a 'what if.' He is right. It just means more uncertainty and more waiting.

So, I've finally had an embryo transfer. I even did the pre- and post-transfer acupuncture. The chances of this embryo being healthy is incredibly small, but this is what we had to do. T and I agreed that we are totally done if this doesn't work. We will not try on our own again. If this doesn't work we are going straight to donor.

So, maybe it will stick and maybe if it won't. I'm kind of dreading the possibility of having a fourth miscarriage. I'm not even sure what to hope for. Do I want a BFP? I can't tell. A BFP will only mean more waiting. I'm terrified of delaying this process more. I was looking for some closure today, and of course we didn't get any. But, there is the smallest of tiniest chances, and we couldn't just dispose of that tiny chance like it was garbage.

So, beta is set for Monday July 2, but you can bet a million dollars that I will POAS one week from today. That will be 7dp5dt. That's plenty of time for the stick to know.


Nearlydawn said...

Oh, I don't know what to say. After you explained the situation to me the other day I was hoping you would get your definative answer from PGD before the transfer.

I am so sorry you are going to have to go through all the waiting again. However, I totally agree that there is no choice but to do it, as there is an outside chance that this is your one-in-a-million.

I have been thinking of you this weekend. I will continue to think positive thoughts for you.

ultimatejourney said...

I'm just dumbfounded that you don't have an answer. I agree that you had no choice but to transfer. I'm sorry you didn't get definitive information and that you're still stuck waiting.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

How frustrating that it was inconclusive. I probably would have done the same thing if I were in your shoes. Take it easy. I am hoping that the fact that there was no nucleus was just a fluke and that it is a healthy balanced embryo. Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you don't know if it was a balanced embryo or not. I hope that it is a perfect, balanced embryo and it will implant and all will be perfect.

Artblog said...

Wow, what a story! PDG is something that has always interested me but for the moment it isn't suitable for us.

I am sorry they got only the one, it must be a big disappointment. At least you tried and that's important, regret is worse then self pity i always think.

I would have transferred just that one iffy embryo too, you got that far.

All you can do is hope, keep strong.

X Artblog

Sarah said...

i agree, transferring is the way to go because there would always be that 'what if?'.

i think maybe your odds are a litle better than 3%. so there's a 10% chance of a normal embryo. you figured 3% based on three embryos. but i think each embryo actually has a 10% chance of being normal, right? if you want to make it cumulative, then why not add all the embryos from all the cycles together? there have been what, at least 9 i think? 9% is better than my chances were (okay only ever so slightly, but still).

when i found out about my 7% odds last cycle Sticky Bun left me this comment: "Since we're all here because we fall into the minuscule percent of people with the issues we have, I'm hoping that you'll fall into that 'small percent club' here as well." I'm hoping you make it into the narrow odds column too.

Hez said...

"I hope that it is a perfect, balanced embryo and it will implant and all will be perfect."

I fully agree. Thinking about you.

serenity said...

Ditto myreality...


LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I need to tell you how much you inspire me. You are handling a terribly stressful situation with such strength and grace!!

Your decision is the same that I think I would have made had I been in your situation. But it certainly took a lot of courage to make it!!

It is probably too frightening for you to hope for the best, so I am going to hope for you. You know that I don't believe in god but I do believe that miracles happen so I am hoping for you with all of my energy!!!!


Becks said...

Oh Rachel, sorry you are feeling so low about this. I am hoping like heck that this one works for you.

I would have done the same thing with the transfer, we just ave to hope it is the miracle one that makes it and if not, we will all be here to hold your hand. Hugs.

Allformybaby said...

Somethings are just not in the doctors hands anymore. Kudos to you for enduring the 2ww with narrow odds, but honestly I would have done the same. But isn't that our "job" being IF to eliminate the what "IF" factor? My prayers are with you always.A