Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Oven's broken, but we have a grill

We've determined that the oven is definitely broken. We just have to decide if it's worth it to have someone look at it, or if we should just get a new one. I have no idea who would fix our oven nor how much it would cost to have him (or her) come out to look at it. And what if s/he comes and just tells us that we need to get a new stove. Our stove is definitely old, and we'd have to replace it eventually anyway. Ah, the delight of home ownership.

I've realized several times, but also forgotten several times, to talk about the bird's nest. It all went so fast. The chicks have left. But they were there for several days, and I showed them off to several people, and then one day I watered the pansy and there were no baby birds. So, much luck to our baby birds. I hope they find lots of food and some nice shelter out there in the world. Meanwhile, the nest is still there. T looked up about house finches and the females sometimes mate a second time, so maybe she'll come back and lay some more eggs. We'll have to see.

My boss seems to be taking the fact that I'm leaving pretty hard. She sent me these really severe emails which pointed out everything I did wrong, no matter how small. Now I did do all of those things imperfectly, which I admit, but she had never taken that kind of tone with me before. I felt like she was trying to convince herself that she was better off without me or something. But my co-worker had a nice, long meeting with her and made her feel better. I know that I am doing nothing wrong by finding a new job, but I just feel like I'm betraying my boss. There is one part of the job that she is going to have a very difficult time finding someone else to do. I offered to work on it for a little while, but she has to know that by August or so, I'm not going to be able to do it any more. I worry that when I tell her that, she's going to freak out on me again. But I can't be expected to still be working on that project in August when I'm leaving my job in June. I know in my head I'm being reasonable, but when I talk to boss-lady, I just feel like I'm not.

I got some more signs that ovulation is coming soon. I'm now worrying -- what if we do get pregnant and it sticks this time? Telling my new work that I'm pg about 3 months into work would be weird. But, I did tell the woman that hired me that we were ttc and that I could be pg at any time, but that if we weren't IVF was a possibility in about 6 months or so. She didn't seem bothered, so I guess I could make the announcement with a clear conscience. But I know that this scenario is super-hopeful anyway. As my mom always said to me, whatever will be will be. I know that I'm doing the right thing, and that's what's important.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006


Our oven is messed up. Our house, I think, is a little bit of a lemon. Things go wrong. The roof leaks, the boiler died, and our oven is broken. We need to get a plumber to check it out (it's gas) but I'm kind of sick of plumbers since the boiler. Don't get me wrong, I love our house. But it has some issues.

We got our grill and made the yummiest hamburgers in the world. It ruled. We were going to grill tonight, but it's cool out so we decided to use the oven. Now the oven isn't working properly. It sucks. I'm starving. And now we're arguing about what to do because we're both overly hungry. Should we order out? Should we just stick it in there even though it's not working properly? It's going to take forever to cook. This sucks. (It's in the oven right now.)

Anyway, I got them to give me even more money for my prospective job. The benefits are going to cost a lot more, and the time-off is a little bit less. I mentioned these things, and they offered me more money. So I'm definitely going to take it. I talked to my boss about it today. It was really hard. She was really negative about the new job at first. I mean, I know she just doesn't want to lose me, but it bummed me out a little bit. But I really need a change. I've liked my job and I've liked working for my boss, but I just feel like it's time for me to move on. If this job sucks, then I'll just have tofind another. I will remain part time
to do some work at the old place for a while, but I 'll have to work out a timetable for transitioning over. I'm excited, but also nervous and a little scared. They're hiring another person to work with me, and I hope I don't hate her. I mean, I barely ever hate people, but you never know. It could be bad.

In other happyish news, I received signs of impending fertility, so ttc should commence soon. We'll see what happens.


Sunday, May 28, 2006

Summer approaches

The weather has been incredibly warm this weekend. Perfect, really, for a long weekend. Thursday evening I went to have a drink with my friend S. It was nice to hang out, just us women. We talked about this new job of mine, about whether she and her husband R will buy a condo or move out of their current apartment, and about me and me and E. My friend S is a therapist by trade, so she's good at making me feel like it's okay to have the emotions I have. It's so funny because I don't want to 'use' her like a therapist. She's my friend. But she loves being a therapist so much that she will sometimes prompt me to process. She is encouraging me to find a therapist for both me and T. I do want to do that. I've just been putting it off for other things, lately. But she told me to not feel bad about feeling sad sometimes when I'm around E, and to not blame myself for not being able to be really excited for the baby to come. I've heard all of that before, and I know that those feelings are normal, but I still can't help feeling bad that I can't get excited. I want to be excited about the baby, and it sucks that I just can't be.

Anyway, last night we went out to a super yummy dinner with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law's exchange student from Poland. She's a good kid. Since my brother's family lives in NH, just over the border, she was grateful to be in the city for a little bit. I had rack of lamb stuffed with cheese, olives, sun dried tomatoes and mushrooms with porcini ravioli. It was super delicious.

Today E is having a birthday cookout for herself. I've made potato salad and we bought the fixins for raspberry lime rickeys (with raspberry Stoli for those who want to indulge). I'm also going to make rice crispy squares since they're so easy and everybody loves them. Her friend L and her daughter M are going to be there. L's husband died suddenly a little over a year ago. I've only met her a couple of times, but it just makes me so sad to think of it. It's weird that because of her great loss, the concept of her daughter doesn't make me as sad as it might ordinarily do. My only worry is that when we all hang out that the only thing that people are going to be able to talk about is baby stuff, and that will definitely bum me out. I just don't have anything to contribute to those conversations. E and I are supposed to hang out with another friend and her fiance next weekend, and I worry about the baby discussions when that happens, too. I guess I'll just have to deal.

T and I talked about the new job more last night. It looks like I'm going to take it. It will make my days longer with the longer commute, but it's better than being totally bored and alone all day in my windowless office. I still need to look at the benefits, but I can't imagine they'll be so bad that I won't take the job. I'm excited but very nervous.

Also, I'm supposed to be fertile this weekend, but I totally haven't been. I don't know what's going on. Maybe all the stress from last week pushed me forward a bit. But I'm nervous that I'm going to miss it and we're going to miss our window of opportunity this month. But that's probably me just being paranoid. Still, I'm not seeing any signs that I'm fertile at present moment.

Ah, rolling with the punches. I kind of suck at that.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Crazy times

I got a job offer!

The woman who interviewed me on Tuesday moning called me Tuesday afternoon for me to come in to a second interview on Wednesday. Wednesday night, of course, was my final exam for stats, so I tried to put her off. But she pushed, and promised it wouldn't take too long. So I caved and went in. The doctors were very down to earth and nice. So, today, she sent me an email to give her a call, and she offered a job! They even offered a bit more money than I'm making now. The only downside is that my commute will increase a bit. But I don't see any reason not to take it. I don't know about benefits yet, so I've asked about that. Of course, in our situation, insurance is a big deal. We can always go on to T's insurance if we need to. We'll see what happens. But it's exciting.

This new job is a real step up from what I'm doing now. There's a supervisory component. There's tons of work. There's creativity and room to grow. It's still quite independent. I will learn new things. I will be busy. I've been so busy in the past few days I haven't had time to be sad, which is good. I even talked to my potential new boss (after the job offer was out there) and told her we were ttc, and that the possibility of IVF may be in the future. Since my current boss knows all of this stuff, I wanted to make sure that all of this stuff was out there. I don't have to take this job. I need to want to take this job. So I want to want it with all of my baggage. I don't want them to think I hid something when I was hired. I actually think potential boss appreciated my candor. She was adamant about having a 'kind' workplace where people work together and there's no back-stabbing. How wonderful! I'm feeling kind of excited.

I am also now officially finished with my biostats class. Hurray! The final exam was not nearly as awful as the midterm, which was a relief. I handed in the extra credit problem that E helped me with. So, we'll see how it goes. I wonder when the grade will be in. I wonder if it has to be in before I accept my next job. I'm going to try not to worry about that yet.

All of this has been so unexpected. I totally just applied to that job on a whim. They made me feel smart and useful, so that was good. They're going to hire a second position in addition to the position that was offered to me, and there are other people in the office, so it will be much less isolating. The only thing, as I said, is the commute issue. But I can probably deal with that. I'll see what the benefits look like.

T and I are taking tomorrow off so that we can have an extra long weekend. E's having a birthday party for herself on Sunday that we'll go to. I'm going to make potato salad. I think we may go out with my parents on Saturday night. The weekend is busy already!

It's weird what a huge role the health insurance takes now. I usually wouldn't care, but after the advice from the IVF place, there are certain companies that are better for us than others. I'm very anxious to hear back.

I hope everyone out there in blogland is doing okay. Life is just full of crazy things, isn't it?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Feelings. Nothing more than.... feelings...

It's been a dramatic couple of days. Yesterday I was trying to work out things with E. I'm feeling bad about feeling bad. We sent a few emails back and forth. I appologized for being snarky. E said I wasn't being snarky, and that it just sucks that my being around her makes me sad. I agree. E's my closest friend in the area, and I would feel crappy without her being around a lot. So, I'm at work and I'm crying while writing these emails. Tears are everywhere. Crying and crying. In fact, I'm about to cry just thinking about it. Why does this have to suck? Why can't I just be happy for them? It took 2 miscarriages and a year and a half for them to get to having a pregnancy that worked. I am happy for them, but I feel like it's more of a theoretical happy rather than an actual happy. I want to be excited to see and hold the baby, to smell its head. I want to go gaga over the cute little baby clothes and toys. But I can't. That stuff just hurts and makes me want to cry. It sucks.

So I had a job interview today. It went well. I think they liked me. They're interviewing some more people, and they'll bring in a few candidates for another round in a couple of weeks. The job sounds really interesting and a step up from what I'm doing now. I'm ambivalent about switching jobs, though, because we're now ttc. I don't know if I can swich insurance while I'm pg. (If I'm pg.) Maybe taking this job will depend on whether or not I'm pg. I bet it will take long enough for me to pee on a stick, but not long enough to make sure I won't miscarry.

Such is life. It's good that I don't feel pressure to take this job. I have a solid, if boring one at present moment. I'm working from home today to study for my exam. I just need a break. We're going to the Sox-Yankees game tonight. The weather looks only mediocre. But games are always fun and include hotdogs. I love hotdogs.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Best of times? Worst of times?

Generally, it was a good weekend. I, of course, spent time in the garden. I always like doing that. I planted three different types of flowers. I have no idea what kind they are, but they are blue, purple and red. I hope they take! I decided to give up on the seeds because I think either birds ate them or they were washed away in the 10 inches of rain we got last weekend. We bought a dehumidifier for the basement to help finish drying that out and we got a push mower for our tiny bit of lawn. T mowed, and even though our lawn is only weeds, it looks so much better. I had been feeling like it was time to prop a broken car up on cinder blocks. Now, we look much more manicured.

Today I needed to do my extra credit assignment, and I of course needed some help. And who do I get stats help from? That's right, my pregnant friend E. Last time I saw E, I really felt okay. I was worried that I wouldn't but I was fine. Today wasn't quite as good. While I got there, some friends A&A were at E's house. A&A have also been having fertility problems. (I'm not sure why everyone I know is having problems. But that's another story. E, of course, thinks it's her.) So, E let A know about our diagnosis. A said that she was really sorry. We had a short discussion, but A, her husband, had to go somewhere so they had to leave. We did have a short discussion about how all the male perspective infertility stuff kind of sucks. T has been quite disappointed with it. Oh, and on the way to E's house there was some sort of concert thing with all sorts of traffic that I found horribly annoying. So I was kind of grumpy anyway.

Then she showed me some of the stuff she got at her work baby shower. It was these little plush vegies, which were so cute. They were perfect because she's vegetarian, and they just totally suited her personality. They were in the baby's room, and there was the little stand she got to be the changing table. It had little drawers and in the little drawers were all of the baby's clothes. I almost lost it right there. It was bad.

So we did some stats and it didn't take that long. She did really help me. She's helped me a bunch with my stats work. I'm totally grateful. But then we were talking and we ended up talking about teaching kids to drive. And I made sort of a snarky comment about not knowing whether we were going to even have kids or if we did whether they'd even have the ability to drive. She didn't freak out or anything, but now I feel a little bad about it. I just sent her a somewhat apologetic email, but I'm crying while I'm writing it, and I don't even know what to say. I said something. I'm really, really afraid that I'm not going to be able to deal when the baby is born, unless I am pregnant. I do not want to lose this friendship, but I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be able to deal. I'm not sure what to do.

When she told me she was pregnant, I was so happy and I thought how that if I was still single I totally wouldn't have been able to deal with her pregnancy because I would be so jealous. I was so glad that wasn't the situation. And now it's almost as if I'm back in that same place where I'm having trouble dealing. Life is so strange.

Friday, May 19, 2006

The Kitchen Sink

I feel like I have a lot of material to cover here. I'm not sure where to start and how to organize this information. I'm going to try to go chronologically. That means the easy stuff comes first.

My phone interview went well. We have scheduled a real, face to face interview for Tuesday morning. She asked when I would be available to start working, which sort of freaked me out. I don't really know if I want this new job. So much is going on. I just know that it's a good thing to look around. I'm under no pressure to find a new job, so I can wait until something feels exactly right. That is a good thing. So, the beginning of next week is going to be busy. I have my interview at 8am on Tuesday. We're going to the Sox/Yankees game on Tuesday night, and my final is Wednesday. Maybe I'll take Wednesday off.

On to the IVF appointment. It was fine. It bascially was what I expected. Things remain the same. It will be difficult for us to get insurance coverage for IVF. Since we've only been ttc for 6 months and have 'only' had 2 miscarriages, our case isn't really strong enough to even try right now. So we'll have to ttc for 4-6 more months and then reassess.

Let me take a moment here to tell you how fucked up this whole insurance thing is. I know I've said it before, but it really became even more evident after yesterday. Insurance coverage is different for each carrier. One carrier will cover PGD but not IVF. In order to get them to cover IVF you must go through 3 cycles of IUI. For people who have trouble conceiving, IUI can be helpful. Since conception isn't our problem, there is no point in T and me going through IUI. I have no doubt that I would get pregnant via IUI. But it does not alter our chances of having a healthy baby. That procedure is a waste of money for us. Also, they count the 'one year of ttc' from the last miscarriage. So every time we get pregnant and miscarry, we start the one year clock over again. So, it looks like we're not changing to that insurance carrier. With our current carrier, they usually refuse to cover IVF unless the couple can't conceive. But that office did get them to cover it, one time, in the past, so the insurance person thought we ought to stay with this carrier. Good for us, since it's the cheapest up front. But in order to make our case, we're going to have to ttc for a lot long and have a lot more trouble. The more miscarriages we have, the more likely we get coverage. This is completely insane. It just seems to me they would save money in the end if they just helped us to have a healthy baby rather than spending money on tests and procuedures that are irrelevant. We have a diagnosis. We know what the problem is. Also, forcing us to go through the trauma of multiple miscarriage, forcing me to pretend I'm not pregnant when I am, not allowing me to connect with this potential baby for fear it will die at any moment just seems cruel. But we have to live with the way it is. We are going to ttc, and there is always a chance, if we're lucky, that we can have a healthy baby. It's really just not feeling like luck is on our side these days.

Other interesting things that we learned was that Dr. Young RE thinks that there is truly a very small chance that an unbalanced embryo/fetus would live long enough to be born. That makes me hopeful that the embryo would destroy itself, and if I was pregnant long enough to get to the CVS stage then the chances are low that it would be an unbalanced fetus. Since that is pretty much our biggest fear, that made me feel a little bit better. I hope it made T feel a little better, but I think he largely remains skeptical.

T liked Dr. Young RE because when he saw that I had a partial colectomy due to recurrent diverticulitis he said, "Bummer. Wait, no pun intended." Such a T joke. Honestly, that surgery seemed to have very little to do with my bum. But it was sort of funny anyway.

Back to interesting things. Dr. Young RE had never heard of this human sperm karyotyping test that I had read about, and didn't understand what sort of practical applications it would have to our situation. So, no sperm analysis at this point. I didn't really think about it much, but there is no way to test all of the millions of spem. I guess they do it like a regular sperm analysis -- see how much of the sperm in a specific, random sample is and them make inferences. (See, biostatistics is everywhere!) Anyway, I emailed a few links where I had seen mention of this process to his office. We'll see if he gets back to me about it. As he said to me, "Maybe I'll learn something."

So, the bottom line is that my plan before we went into the IVF place remains the same. TTC for a while, and reassess in a few months. So T and I have to try to relax. T's boss told him to go on a vacation. We definitely need a vacation.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

D-Day #1

Well, here it is. In a short while I will be in the office of Dr. R, Reproductive Endocrinologist. This, I imagine, is the first appointment in what's bound to be a long and complex (and sad) journey, but one that will, someday, hopefully end up happy. This will have a resolution someday. It will not necessarily be what I had always expected the result will be, but there will be some sort of ending. Someday. This doctor looks so young. His picture is on the IVF clinic's web site. He's only been at this IVF center for a year or so. That's not a good thing, is it? I guess he was a Fellow for 3 years before this, though. So that's something. We'll have to ask how much experience he has with all this stuff. I know it can really make a difference, especially with the PGD stuff. Though, I don't think they do the PGD there. I think they ship the embryos somewhere and then ship them back. This just feels so wrong to me. So wrong.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

My E Ticket

I feel like I'm starting this roller coaster all over again. I'm starting to be weepy again. Pregnant women and stories about babies make my eyes well up. I'm having trouble focusing at work. I had felt so much better, but this doctor's appointment tomorrow has dredged up all the feelings of dread again. T and I talked about our tentative 'plan' to ttc again last night. He's so scared of doing that. I was feeling better about my decision when I looked at a few blogs and group postings and saw how many women had 8 and 9 and 10 miscarriages, and now I just feel kind of dead inside. I don't know what we're going to do. I don't know what's going to happen. We don't have time to have 9 miscarriages. I mean, aside from the emotional toll of all of that, I'm 34. We have to start now. This sucks so much, and hurts so much on such a fundamental level. I keep thinking that maybe the results of T's karyotyping was somehow a mistake and that the lab fucked it up or something. But I know that's true. I'm having those, "I can't believe this is happening to us," moments again. It's awful.

So I called a therapist hotline today. I got a call back, but I've actually been somewhat busy at work today, so I haven't got any numbers as of yet.

I also have an initial phone interview for another job. I sent my resume out to other places. I don't know if it's the right time to get a new job, but I'm so restless. I figure, I don't have to actually take the job, so I'm just going to see what happens. If I were busy here, I wouldn't look for another job. But I'm not busy here at all, so I'm looking at my options.

I have my review class tonight. I took the practice final and we'll see how I do. I'm getting nervous about this as well, but it just seems so dumb. But I want to do okay. I want my money back and I just want to do well in the class. I like doing well in school. I have learned some things, though. So if I completely fail the final, at least I'll have that. I guess.

The sun finally came out today. Most of my plants are so happy, but my basil looks really sad It's like the rain rotted a bunch of it out. Hopefully the sun will rejuvenate it. We shall see. If not, I'm just going to get a new one. My yarrow loved it, though.

Well, my phone call for the interview is in a couple of minutes. I wish I could say something hopeful and happy, but I'm just not feeling it right now.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

goldfish, sugar wafers and boredom

So, AF is here and instead of eating my nutritious low-fat yogurt and organic navel orange I brought for breakfast, I ate cheddar cheese goldrish and a pack of sugar wafers. Hurray for hormones! Hey Mary Ellen, looks like we will be cycle buddies. My luteal phase looked a little short to me this month, but maybe I'm trying to find things to be wrong. I was looking at my BBT charts last night and this month it was definitely a bit more difficult to figure out when exactly I ovulated. I'm posturing that I ovulated twice this month making it look like a short luteal phase when it actually wasn't. But who knows. Either way, with the hormones and the poor eating habits comes much moodiness.

I'm currently launching venom at my job. I think I need a new one. I have been shopping around and applying to jobs here and there. Nothing in any serious way. But I just feel like I'm not qualified to do anything, despite the fact that I have a graduate degree and I've done all sorts of things. I refuse to be a glorified secretary, but I feel like I'm pretty open to things. I see different kinds of jobs that I might be good at, but I don't see how I could get my foot in the door. I don't know what I want to do. I also don't know if it's a good idea to switch jobs right now considering I'm trying to get pregnant. I just feel so stuck.

It has occurred to me that I haven't yet told my family of our decision to put of IVF for at least 6 months. Since we have that appointment coming up on Thursday, I suppose it would make sense to only inform them of this after the appointment. But I thought about that yesterday for some reason. Speaking of my family, my parents did, in fact, make it back to Boston from Las Vegas despite all of the rain here.

In boredom news, Mike 93.7 is now coming in on the radio in my office (with some tweaking of the antenna) and now I don't have to listen to the same adult contemporary music over and over again like I have been. I'm relieved about that one. I also am working on renewing one of my studies with the Institutional Review Board. That shouldn't take long. Earlier today, I was asked to email the current consent form for one of my studies to our coordinating center at the Cleveland Clinic. At my hospital, our entire IRB process is online. We don't use paper. So I submit everything online, it gets approved online, and then I can print stuff out. You would think that because everything is done online that it would be easy to get an electronic copy of the consent form. But of course it isn't. I had to call the IRB. They had to print out the consent form and then scan it and email it to me. HOW DUMB IS THAT?!? That is the dumbest thing ever. EVER! Really, how could that be designed so poorly?!? Sheesh!!

Let's see, what other totally boring things are happening? One of my danios in our upstairs tank has the ich. So I'm giving it the blue medicine to make them better. It doesn't seem to be working too well at present moment. I may have to do a water change and try a different medicine. We'll see.

Our basement seems to be drying out, slowly. I am really appreciating the fact that we live nearly on the top of a Very Big Hill. Our basement didn't get that wet. I haven't looked at the attic again lately.

Alanis Morisette just came on the radio. T always turns up the radio when this song comes on. He loves Angry Chick Rock. That makes me smile. I love T. T rules. Dogma was on TV this weekend. Alanis Morisette plays God. I learned from IMDB that God was supposed to be played by Holly Hunter. I enjoyed Dogma. I love quirky stories about Judeo-Christian deities and spirituality. Way to be Kevin Smith. If you also enjoy quirky stories about spirituality may I recommend reading Orson Scott Card, Octavia Butler or the "Dark Materials" trilogy by Philip Pullman. Those are the three that come to my head at present moment. I'm sure there are many more. Please recommend some to me if that's what floats your boat.

I suppose the time has come for me to stop and do a little more work and then eat some lunch. Perhaps I can resist the call of the vending machine for the rest of the day.

Monday, May 15, 2006

chromosomal update

The genetic counselor just called. My chromosomes are normal. I'm not a carrier of the big 4 Ashkenazi Jewish diseases. A clean bill of chromosomal health for me. Thank God.

Of course, I'm XX, though. I'm not a boy.


Last night T and I filled out the paperwork for the IVF visit. It made me a little sad. Like I said, because we know what the problem is, this visit will be different than most people's first visit, I imagine. We'll make a plan for the sperm analysis, make some inquiries about insurance issues, and tell them we'll call them when we feel like we're ready for some assistance (6 months to a year from now if we're unsuccessful). I have no idea if that's how it's going to work, but I'm mentally preparing myself. I really hope they don't try to convince us that our decision is the wrong one. I'm very worried about that.

It's still raining here. It's supposed to rain tomorrow. We have some moisture in the basement, but it's not too bad. The leak in the roof is all going into the huge storage bin so that's not causing problems, either. The cats were unhappy because their walk to the litter box was a bit damp. I moved it to drier parts this morning, so hopefully they'll be a little happier with that now. My oldest brother has no water in his basement (they waterproofed when they finished it) but pools in his yard. But my other brother has a really, really wet basement and the sump can't keep up with all of the water. They're vacuuming it all up. T and I are bummed that we didn't buy a wet/dry vac when we had the opportunity, but oh well. We'll definitely buy one now. Considering we've had nearly a foot of rain in less than a week, we're doing pretty well. Other parts of this state aren't fairing nearly as well.

I'm going to talk about work for a bit. For my job I find people who would be willing to participate in my research study. It involves meeting with me and taking either medication or a placebo (It's double-blind. We don't know who's taking what.) Now, in order to be in this study, you have to meet certain medical criteria, and you have to be able to give informed consent. That is, you have to be able to understand that we're testing the medicine to see if it's helping the specific circumstance of the study. (I won't explain the details here, but let me know if you're curious. I'm not offended if you're not. It's somewhat tedious.) So, one of the doctors here (who will leave this hospital soon, of his own volition) tells me to go talk to this guy because he's having the surgery that qualifies for my study. So I go talk to him. He's a very nice guy, and he seems interested in the study. But the more I talk to him, the more I feel like this guy doesn't understand his medical circumstances. Then I get back to my office and look up his medical history. He has a big psychiatric history. He's stable and on his meds. But the only medical follow-up he does is psychiatric. He ignores the rest of his health. He doesn't take his meds, and it seems like he doesn't really understand his own health care. Not a good candidate. Why would he say he was a really good patient? I just don't get it. I mean, I know all of this medical stuff is complicated, but as a former teacher, I feel like I have a good sense of when people get it. This guy didn't get it. At all. I'm glad that doctor is leaving.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

It's Sunday. It's Mother's Day. It's raining.

Technically, I'm watching my stats video right now. The snotty prof is talking about clinical trials. I feel like I'm pretty well versed in clinical trials since I work in them. I am the coordinator for three main trials, one FDA sponsored and one Industry sponsored, and I have worked on others and am also working on writing one (with no sponsor) at the moment. Actually, the thing I am writing is not a clinical trial, it's simply a study. It's more like a survey type thing. A prospective study. Anyway, I am certified in Human Studies Research, and I go to monthly meetings about clinical trials. So, I'm probably not going to learn too, too much in this class. So I'm typing instead. I'm so bad. (But in a good way.)

It's raining. I mean, it's really raining. Really, really raining. Like inches of rain really raining. It hasn't stopped. Our roof is leaking and our basement is wet. We didn't go outside yesterday. We're supposed to go see a movie with E&R today, but I'm not sure I'm going to want to leave. It's that rainy. Standing pools of water rainy. Flood warning rainy.

We haven't gone food shopping for a couple of weeks. We don't have much food in the house. And we have no vegetables. We were supposed to go to the store yesterday, but it was too rainy. We watched TV instead. We watched tons of TV. Hours of TV. I got a headache from all the TV. We didn't do anything practical. Though, I made some yummy spaghetti sauce. It was something I could make with the little bit of food we had in the house. We figured we could make up stuff to eat for a few days. We just don't have any vegetables. Well, I think we have some frozen peas in the freezer. I doubt we'll make it to the store today. We'll see how the day goes. It's not looking good. The Red Sox game was postponed last night, and I'm confident it will be postponed again. Not a fun weekend in the Boston Area.

Happily, my parents are in Las Vegas and I don't have to meet my family today. Usually I love to go spend time with my family, but I'm very happy to let this day slide.

So, I've got to talk about dinner on Friday. First of all, we had the most delicious wine ever. It was an Alsacian Riesling. As good as the dinner was, it was the true highlight for me. So, to start we had soft shell crab tempurah, which was particularly yummy, and then we had a fried mushroom ragout which was weird. It had a poached egg, edible flowers, mushrooms and cockscomb. Yes, that is what you think it is. The comb of a rooster. We ate it. It was weird. It was kind of the same texture as a mushroom. We decided to push our limits and eat it. It was okay. The texture of that whole dish was kind of weird. Not our favorite, but we were glad we tried. For the meal, T had a t-bone pork chop with baby turnips and mixed greens. We had asparagus on the side (which was SOOOOO good) and I had a seafood thing with clams, shrimp and calamari. The calamari was amazing. So soft, it almost melted in my mouth. Everything was cooked so perfectly. It was delicious. For dessert, T had sweet white corn grits with (homemade) Grand Marnier ice cream and a sort of compote. It was yummy! I had mint ice cream profiteroles with bitter chocolate sauce. (It's ice cream in a cream puff shell.) Oh, and we had dessert wine. It was amazing! I was reasonably intoxicated. I tried to not be too giddy. The whole meal was wonderful. It was almost like taking a mini-vacation (and almost as expensive). But it was worth it. It was a nice change of pace.

Look, a whole post w/o talk of IF/bt/etc. Not bad....

Friday, May 12, 2006


Does this catch your eye? Does it? Huh? Well, there are no naked pictures here. But I bet people who search and don't usually get my blog will have it as a result this time around. Ha!

Anyway, I wrote naked because today is my birthday. And that made me think of birthday suits. And that made me think naked. Dumb, I know, but those titles are very difficult. I never know what to label my posts. I suppose I could leave it blank or put the date or something boring like that. Maybe I will when I run out of ideas.

So, today's my birthday. I'm 34. See, my profile changed to say 34. I'm 34 now. Not too old, but it's weighing a little heavy on me. I mean, I don't mind being old per se. It's just that when there are reproductive issues, each year has so much more meaning. And this time around I'm really fine in terms of age, but who knows how long it's going to take? And then how old will I be the second time around? I know, I'm a worry wart. But I just don't like birthdays anymore. So there.

That being said, T and I are going to the Craigie Street Bistrot for dinner tonight. It's supposed to be yummy. Yes, we have a reservation. Hopefully we won't be completely soaking wet when we get in there. It's really supposed to rain. I doubt they'll get any games in this weekend. It's supposed to be that bad. Rain, rain and more rain. Inches and inches of rain.

We desperately need to go food shopping, as we didn't go last weekend, and on Sunday I think we may go see a movie with E and R (her husband). We're thinking of seeing Lonesome Jim or Thank You for Smoking. I haven't seen a movie for ages. We saw V for Vendetta at the IMAX maybe a month ago. Or more. I don't remember. But that was the last movie we saw.

It is mother's day this weekend. My mother will be in Las Vegas, so nothing eventful is going to happen as a result of that. My mother wanted all of her children to get together in her absence, but I didn't want to host it, and what's the tie-in on mother's day if she's not there? Besides, I'm not really in a celebrating mother's day kind of mood. At least she understood that. But her big fear is that we won't get together after she's gone. I think that is not true at all. We will get together on holidays and on people's birthdays and whatnot. But mother's day is for one's own mother. Just like anniversaries are for couples. My mom doesn't think so, but I do. The only person who I want to remember our anniversary is T. Actually, I think he's more into anniversaries than I am anyway. I don't put significant value on those kinds of things. Not that someone completely forgetting something wouldn't bum me out.

I am starting to be scared that the doctor at the IVF place is going to say something to change Tabor's mind about ttc. This is my new fear to obsess about. I don't know what they would say that would make him think that way, but I consider it a definite possibility. I'm just not ready to give up ttc yet. I can't really explain why, but I'm not ready yet. I want T to not be ready yet, too. I'm just worried about how long this will take.

And now we've made our conversation circle because I'm back to hating my birthday again. Thank you! Thank you very much. I am here for your daily neurotic entertainment. Don't forget to tip your waiter.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

5 stages?

I just found this website that says that the 5 stages of greif is too limited for traumatic loss/experience. Instead, they talked about Grief Work. It is defined as TEAR:

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

This is recognizable to me. This is what we are going through.

So I think T and I have come to an agreement. We are adjusting to the environment. We are going to ttc next month. We are not cancelling our appointment next week. We are not ruling out that we may need IVF with PGD in the future. We just know that we have a long wait for all of this IVF stuff to work out, and we probably need more 'proof' that IVF is necessary for us. So, we have to try again. We know this poses some additional risks, but we really don't see an alternative. This is scary, but it's what's happening. Who knows We could end up with a baby. It's not impossible. We also could end up having to terminate or simply miscarrying. Any combination of those things could happen as well. I guess what's important is that we feel like this is the right decision for us at this time. Things may change, but this is where we are now.

I feel like it's such a time to be in this place. It's nearly my birthday, it's mother's day and we have an appointment with an IVF place in a week.

I think I'm feeling a bit better with this decision. T and I went out last night to watch the Sox lose to the Yankees. We drank beer and were sarcastic and smiled and laughed. It felt good. I felt like we hadn't done that for a while. It was nice. It was good. I want to feel like that more.

Crap Weather

All of those April showers that we never got are here. I don't think the sun is supposed to shine for almost a week. The lack of sunshine tends to get me down. I'm a little bit worried about my potted plants. I hope that the pots drain well and they don't drown. The basil looks a little flattened, but otherwise they all look fine so far. No gardening for me this weekend, apparently.

I was able to do my stats homework, and it's not even due until next week. Good for me! I'm really hoping I can do the final. I'm feeling a little better about it, but I remember feeling that way for the midterm. I need to review the midterm soon. Sigh.

I was a little bit busier at work on Monday and today. It's amazing how much better I do when I'm busy at work. I really hate not having enough to do. My boss is leaving for vacation tomorrow, so there will be no additional projects until after she comes back. I have one side project I'm working on, but I'm very close to needing a meeting to move on further. I'll do that when she returns, I suppose.

I don't know what kind of work I'm qualified for, though, if I were to look for another job. I look around for other jobs here at the hospital, but I just don't seem qualified to do anything. I think I'm ready for a 'supervisory' job, but all those jobs require supervisory experience, which I don't have. I don't know what to do with my working life.

One week until tomorrow until the big IVF meeting. I'm a little nervous. We need to fill out our forms. I read on the web somewhere that karotyping takes 2 weeks, and I didn't have my blood taken for the karotyping until exactly two weeks before the IVF meeting due to the many lab fuckups, so I don't know if it will be in by the time we have our meeting. This pisses me off. It better be done. I'm going to call the IVF place tomorrow to check up that all the information has been sent over in preparation for our visit.

I'm sort of dreading this visit now. I'm not exactly sure why. I am looking forward to a sperm analysis, but aside from that, I don't want to go anymore. I mean, I'm definitely going. No question. I'm not thinking about cancelling. I am just feeling -- I don't know what the word is. I want to say dread, but that's not excatly right. Hesitancy? Resistance? I don't know. But I feel like I don't want to go. I feel like they're going to push us for this 'medical solution' that I'm not sure is the proper answer for us at this time. I mean, how do they benefit from us not doing IVF and PGD? They don't. I'd be surprised if they say it's not the right time to try it yet. But that's how I'm personally feeling right now. I guess I shouldn't put words into these people's mouths. I should let the thing go forward by itself. I just have to wait.

My thoughts and hugs and support and everything else to Mary Ellen and Steve who need it right now. Hugs. Just hugs.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Is anything ever easy?

The therapist that we were hoping to see doesn't take our insurance. She has almost 30 years experience dealing with infertile couples. I was hoping to meet with someone like that. I feel like it is way more difficult than it should be to find someone to talk to about all of this. It should be easy. All of the literature says that going through IF is as stressful as having chronic pain or cancer or some other severe illness. And yes, we are near Boston where Dr. Domar has all of her wonderful workshops, but it would cost $1000 for the both of us to go. With the prospects of all the things we're going to have to pay ahead of us, I'm reluctant to shell out that kind of cash for something that insurance really should cover. Though some insurance companies do cover part of Dr. Domar's program. Still, it shouldn't be this hard. And we need to do something.

T and I almost had a fight, sort of, last night. It was about all of this infertility stuff. Now, to many people they will read that and think, "So what!" but for T and me, this is a big deal. We don't fight. We just don't. We discuss. We're animated. We make fun of each other in good fun. But we don't fight. I have even learned how to compromise a little bit sometimes. (T remains the true compromiser.) But still. I am worried. T is getting more and more sad as time goes on rather than time healing his wounds. We need help.

I have gone to the library and looked at a few books about infertility. I made the mistake of taking out a book called Preventing Miscarriage and looking up 'chromosomal abnormalities' in the index. On that page, of course, it says something to the effect of, "Sometimes miscarriage is caused by chromosomal abnormalities in one of parents. Unfortunately, in this circumstance, there is nothing that can be done about it." I promptly started to cry right there in public. I closed the book and didn't open it again. Not what I'm looking for. I know there's nothing we can do about T's bt. I was dumb to think there might be something insightful in there.

But this is our problem. Much of the traditional infertility stuff doesn't really apply to us. I'm not infertile. I can get pregnant. T's not infertile. He can get me pregnant. We just have this really high chance of miscarriage, and possibly having an unbalanced fetus that will not live for long outside of the womb, or perhaps will just be really, really, really ill. It didn't take us long to figure this out. I got pregnant the first time we tried. The second time we weren't really even trying! I mean, I knew I was in my fertile time, but it was just one time. (Dude, that sounds like an ABC after school special.) We've only been ttc for 5 months. It's just that I had 2 miscarriages in a very short time and we got diagnosed quickly.

So, in some ways we skipped a big part of IF. The, 'is this weird?' part, the waiting a whole year with no results part never happened for us. We thought things were going well, and

Things really aren't so good. When I'm reading these 'how to cope with infertility' books, a lot of it isn't applicable. I'm not even sure that whole 'mind-body' thing applies to us. We can get pregnant. We just don't know if we can get pregnant with something that can be healthy.

I think T is convinced it will never work. He is really down. He tells me that we simply don't have enough information to know one way or another. Personally, I don't think this visit at Boston IVF is going to answer enough questions for him. And since it's going to take a whole bunch of crap and jumping through hoops to get coverage for IVF and PGD, I don't see why we shouldn't just ttc in the mean time. This idea, however, terrifies T in a way I've never seen. I know that ttc is risky. It may cause additional heartbreak. But making a family will be heartbreaking for us. I'm willing to take a little more risk in order to ttc without needles. T thinks having failed IVFs would hurt less than miscarriages. Plus, and I can't argue with this, he says it decreases the risk of having an unbalanced fetus.

What this all boils down to, is we need help. We need to meet with someone who can help us come to an agreement about what to do. We need to adjust. We need to come to terms with this. I don't think this is something we can do by ourselves. This is obvious. So why is it so difficult to find a therapist to help us?

Monday, May 08, 2006

Gardening fixes everything

In order to distract myself, I have preoccupied myself with our yard. Right now, growing in the Henry Street yard are Grandpa Ott Morning Glories, two types of clematis, a strawberry plant, Greek oregano, basil and cilantro, plus the hosta, tulips, daffodils and crocuses that grew by themselves. Oh, and the hanging basket of pansies on the porch, which now has a bird's nest with 5 eggs in it! I'm hoping to take the actual pictures of my plants and flowers and post them. We'll see if that actually gets done. I also weeded the grass. It's totally overrun with dandelions and other weeds. I'm not sure if it's salvagable, but I tried to make it look a little less awful. I love working out in the yard. It rules. I love to see my little seedlings popping up. The morning glories are doing great so far. It's kind of weird, but I feel like the flowers' mommy. They're my little flower babies. I'm nurturing them and making them grow. I guess they're satisfying some need that I have while we're in waiting over this whole baby process. The foxglove and yarrow I planted haven't sprouted yet, though. I'm not sure if they'll actually come up. I'm going to give it until after my exam, and if they're not growing by then I'll have to buy some plants and put them in there.

Went to my tutoring session with E yesterday. It was helpful, I think. I went over her old exam and made sure I could do the problems. I felt like her exam was way easier than the midterm was, which is possible since we didn't have the same prof. But it really pissed me off. Her exam seemed so reasonable. But hopefully the studying will help. We're going to do another one either this coming weekend or the next one.

I also didn't feel too bad being around her. That made me feel better. I looked at the paint job in the baby's room and it was an awesome purpley-blue color. It's so weird that she's in her third trimester and I feel like she barely looks pregant. She's so skinny. I mean, you can see her belly, but it's not nearly as huge as I would expect with 8 more weeks left. But anyway, I was glad that being around her didn't make me feel that bad.

I briefly talked to E's sister on the phone. She asked how married life is. It was weird that I just couldn't answer, "Great!" I mean, as far as being married to T goes, everything is great. But with all this IF/BT stuff going on, I just feel like I can't answer too positively. But then again, I don't want it to sound like things aren't going well between me and T, because things are going well. Well, except for this whole baby thing. I just don't know how to respond. Like I don't know how to respond when people ask me how I'm doing. I usually just muster an, "Okay," and leave it at that. That's how I am. I'm okay.

Especially when I'm outside gardening.

Friday, May 05, 2006

trials and tribulations

Thank you, Mary Ellen, for being so helpful and supportive and giving me all sorts of information. As we said, it's wonderful and strange to care so much about the fate of someone who's essentially a stranger. But thank you.

What Mary Ellen helped me to figure out is that some insurance coverage is better than others, and we may have to deal with finding the best coverage (or any coverage at all.) It's good to know all of this, but it is completely overwhelming and depressing to think about. But I'm glad we went over all of this so I can be prepared to fight, which we definitely will have to do, and change providers, which we may or may not have to do. What this all boils down to, again, is that IF sucks and is completely unfair.

My friend E, who is pg, has figured out that I'm not talking to her as much as I used to. I didn't deny it. I just told her that all I can think about is IF, and I don't want to bum her out. When I was pg, we talked about how close in age our kids would be. But now I know it will be anywhere from 6 months to 5 years before I have a baby. I know I've said this before, but she had m/cs and a difficult time getting pregnant, so she can relate on some level. But unfortunately her pg is a reminder of mine that isn't (aren't) and it's difficult. But it's not like I'm avoiding her. I saw her last weekend and will see her Sunday too. But I'm usually emailing all over the place, and I'm just not. But there hasn't been as much cool stuff in the news lately.

Only the 63-year-old who is pregnant. And lord knows I don't want to think about that.

Now onto happier subjects. Cuchi Cuchi is dead. Apparently it's very hip and we can't get a reservation. Then we were going to Kashmir. That isn't happening either, so now we're going to Charley's Tavern. I'm drinking.

I'm going to go to the Boston Public Library after work and get some books. I'm almost done with my novel, so I'm going to pick up a new one of those. I think I may also get an IF book.

I also need to get off my ass and call that therapist. I don't know why I'm putting it off. I think I'm waiting for my class to be over so I can feel like I have more time. 3 more weeks. I may also be waiting for our IVF appointment. I guess I still want more info. I want numbers. I doubt it will really help, though.

Both T and I have been having stress dreams. I dreamed that we had to move out of the house immediately, but I wanted to look for a new house. We ended up having to rent. I don't know why we had to move, but we did. I was also in med school (?!?) at the time, so I didn't have time to do anything because of all the shit I needed to do for school.

T dreamed that I left him because of the bt. That makes me so sad. *hugs* to my sweetie.

I even thought for a couple of minutes yesterday that maybe we won't have kids. That's really weird because I know I've wanted kids since I was a teenager. But I thought about it yesterday.

I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of IF.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I heart pickles

The guy who made my sandwich gave me an extra pickle. I thought that was nice. I love pickles.

Let's see. I've seen three pregnant women in the last 12 hours. Only 1 of them made me cry, though. Two out of three ain't bad?

I thought I only had two biostats class left, but I guess I have three (including the exam). I went to a tutoring session last night and the TA thought that the prof would scale the exams. She tried to assure me that I would get the B- I need to get my money back. I'm not so convinced. But we'll see what happens. I got a 96 on the homework that stressed me out so much last week. That's pretty good. So I've gotten one B and the rest As on the homeworks. If that is the case, I should have been able to pull off at least a C or B- on the exam. But noooooo. Maybe my tutoring session this weekend with E will be helpful. I am also looking forward to filling out the class evaluation form. Apparently some of my classmates have gone to town on it.

We have a busy weekend this weekend. Friday night we're going out with a group of friends to this place. I hope it's good. Cuchi Cuchi, though? I dunno... Plus, I realized it's Cinco de Mayo. But this is apparently some sort of fusion/funky whatever place. It's not a margarita haven with nachos, so we should be okay. Like T says, we go to a Mexican place on St. Patrick's Day and an Irish place on Cinco de Mayo. This isn't Irish, but good enough. Actually, this year on St. Patty's Day we went to a Jewish deli. They still had corned beef and cabbage, though. Yum.

As I was saying, Friday we're going out with a group, Saturday we're babysitting for my neices and meeting my parents and my other brother's family for dinner. Then Sunday it's to E's house to see the paint job on the baby's room and some statistical tutoring. Oh yes, and my ceremonial return of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Don't need that sucker anymore. I mean, since I'm always talking about not doing IVF, I suppose it's not completely relevent. But I get it enough to know how to identify my fertile time (it's right now) and it doesn't even touch my miscarriage worries. Anyway, with all of that I'm hoping to have enough time to move some of the hosta to shade the roots of my clematis in the front garden. This will be my attempt at keeping the roots cool so they bloom. It's so complicated.

So, time is marching on. Two weeks from today is the IVF appointment. I'm still feeling ambivelent. I guess in my head I've decided that if we're covered completely by insurance I won't hesitate to do the IVF with PGD. If we're not completely covered then I may argue for just ttc the old-fashioned way. I haven't told T this. I just decided this as I was carrying my extra-pickled sandwich into my office. T, if you're reading, I think this is the conclusion I've come to. But we can talk about it more later.

I had my blood drawn again this morning. Happily, the weather was lovely and getting there was easy. I hope the results will come in before that appointment in two weeks. If they didn't, that would be a complete pain in the arse.

Happy Thursday. It's almost Friday almost.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

my chromosomes

So, when T had blood taken for chromosome analysis, I did too. I never heard anything, so I assumed they were okay. Doctors only call when there's a problem. But when we went to see the genetic counselor, there were no results for me. The lab messed up, and I would have to go get my blood drawn again. At the same time we decided to do a small Ashkenazi panel to check for other inherited diseases. I told the phlebotomist that there should be two requisition forms because I was having two different tests done. She looked and looked and looked, but only found one piece of paper. So I let it be hand had two tubes drawn. Now the genetic counselor called me again today saying the blood for my chromosome analysis wasn't drawn. Now I have to go have blood drawn for this test for the third time. This is incredibly frustrating. It would make me lose faith in the lab, but two different labs screwed up two different times. There's not one specific place to blame. So I have to go again tomorrow morning and have blood drawn. This is really not helping me relax.

It's amazing how the tiniest thing can put me in a funk. I haven't been in the greatest place as of late, but I feel like this has set me back again. I'm really pissed off and sad. Of course, it might just be I'm hungry. The yogurt that I brought for breakfast didn't taste right, so all I've eaten is an orange.

Plus I have my class tonight. I'm going to go to a computer tutoring session on STATA, then I will eat dinner, then I will go to class. The stuff we're doing now is incredibly complicated and my focus is really poor. I'm trying to hold out some home for this final, but I am quite skeptical. I can't seem to follow linear thought these days. But I have to try. And I'm hoping that stupid STATA will help. Plus I need to do my private tutoring session. That may help. I just have a few more weeks and it will all be over. A few more weeks....

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Still Cold and Rainy

Okay, I'm feeling a little bit better than I did the last post.

I'm going to talk about good things. I'll make a list.

-My office is less than 80 degrees.
-Baby Goats (how cute is that?!?) (from
-The Red Sox beat the Yankees last night
-My office fish, Niji-san (He's a betta fish)
-My funky shoes
-Blogging (I find it cathartic.)
-Our house (except for the broken parts)
-Books (including the novel I'm currently reading)
-The Overheard websites.

Is that enough? Just trying to be a little positive.

Cold Rain

Today is cold and rainy. I know that we really need the rain. We're very low on rain so far this spring and it will help my garden and my plants. But the dark clouds definitely affect my mood. Needless to say, I'm not feeling great again this morning. I'm simply sad. There's no other way to put it. Sad. I don't know how to adjust to this whole thing. I can't wrap my mind around it. I don't know how to start accepting it. I feel like it's become my whole life. I feel like I can't get away from it.

I don't want to work this hard. I don't want to have to hold on to some slim hope. I don't want to have to give myself shots. I don't want to have to pretend that nothing is wrong. I don't want to have to tell people I'm okay when they casually ask me how I'm doing. I don't want to talk to vaguely sympathetic people. I don't want sex to be so loaded. I don't want to have to force myself to relax and to not obsess. I don't want to feel like crying at random things on a reasonably regular basis.

I just want to feel normal.

People know that something is wrong. They can't put their finger on it, and they don't ask, but I know they can tell. Ever since I met T I've been really up-beat and happy. He has been too. Now we're down and unenthusiastic. We act differently now. I don't bounce around the way I used to. T is much more subdued.

I'm not very productive at work. I'm having a difficult time focusing on the class I'm taking.

I do find respite in house work and gardening. But time is so limited for doing these things.

Some questions will be answered after May 18. Some will not be. I'm beginning to lean in a non-IVF direction, but T fears having to terminate. I fear termination and multiple miscarriage as well, but I fear shots and extraction and implantation without success a little more.

I really fear never being able to simply 'hang out' without this huge albatross around our necks.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Everyone hates Mondays

After having received the initial paperwork from Boston IVF, they tell us to check with our insurance providers to see what's covered. Living in Massachusetts, I know I have better coverage than many people. I don't know if having a BT makes IVF 'medically necessary' but if it does, then we're covered. But it says that IVF is excluded if we're having it to make sure we don't pass down a male genetic disorder. Is that what we're doing? I don't know. If they do say that our IVF is just to not pass down a genetic disorder then PGD is not covered either.

It is so frustrating to have all of our health information judged by some panel of doctors somewhere. And one type is passable, but another is not. And I know for a fact that we are well covered compared to most people in this country. I'm not going into a complete tirade here, but let me just say that this country needs some health care reform.

Anyway, this all is making me want to just naturally conceive and take our chances. Though, I see how much hurt people in our same situation are going through. That's not to say a failed IVF attempt is any better. Is it? So many couples are trying to hold out some hope. I wish them all the best. And I've heard from the people for whom IVF has worked and for whom natural conception worked. So it is possible, and it's important to have hope.

But having hope is a challenge as well. Tabor's having a difficult time with that. And now that I've talked to the stupid HMO, I'm not feeling particularly hopeful today either. When both of us are sad, it is not a good thing.

And here I am at work. I'm feeling like I'm physically incapable of working anymore. I mean, I can do a few rote things here and there, but when it comes to thinking work, I'm completely useless. Work is slow, which is good. But I need to get away from these blahs so I can be productive in some way.

Perhaps productivity is overrated.