Saturday, June 09, 2007


I had a lovely coffee with ultimatejourney this morning. I sort of felt like I complained the whole time, but it's definitely nice to spend time with someone who really understands the emotional ins and outs of this whole process. I appreciate that she is such a good listener. I'm a bit of a mess right now, so I take every opportunity to unload all my crap. Hope I didn't scare her away...

Last night T and I had a discussion about this cycle. It wasn't a very good one. I told him how I really felt like this cycle wouldn't work. I guess at some point I said I had no hope that it would work. He took this to mean that I didn't hope that it would work. This really hurt him.

That is not what I meant. Of course I hope it works. The ideal outcome of this cycle is that I will be pregnant with a healthy baby that is genetically related to both of us. I just really don't think that is what the outcome will be. We had talked about how difficult these cycles are for me, and how I don't like doing them. However, we decided together that I need to go through this third IVF to make sure that we tried everything we could to try to have a baby together.

T feels like I've left him behind. He has some hope that this cycle might work. See, there is that language that got us all tripped up last night. It's that horrible word. Hope. I have mentally moved on from these IVFs. I don't think they will work, so I am not emotionally invested in the process. I am going through the physical process, which you know is not easy, but I'm not invested in the idea that it will work.

It's a huge process. I have 4 shots per day, plus monitoring, plus the egg retrieval. The hormones alter my attention span, the way I think and the way I feel. I tried to explain to T that just like I can't understand what it's like to carry the translocation, he can't understand what it is like to go through a cycle. He didn't like that. In general, T is a very empathetic man. He appreciates me, and tells me this on a regular basis. He tells me he loves me every day. He constantly tells me how lucky he is to be married to me. I know that other people's husbands do not do things like this, and I think I am lucky to be married to such a sweet man. Despite this, he still can't understand what it's like to go through the IVF process.

He constantly feels guilty that he is putting me through this. He feels guilty that he carries this translocation. I try to tell him that it is not his fault, but he doesn't believe it.

One of my biggest fears is passing the translocation to our children. I told him this last night, and that is when I lost it. He took this to mean that I've moved on and that I don't want to have children with him. He still hopes that we can have a child together. I am just at a loss. I just want a child. I feel like I no longer care who our child is genetically related to. I just want a child. Sometimes I wish I was the one with the translocation. That way we would go ahead with donor egg and we would both be okay.

T is afraid that he won't bond with a child that isn't genetically related to him. This is probably a common fear, but I just don't believe that it is true. Once I am pregnant or we have a baby in the house, I just know he will love it so much. Raising a child is important to him, and when it is here, that is all he will care about. I just don't know how to convince him that this is true.

He says that it's easy for me to say because our child most likely will be genetically related to me. Maybe. But I still think it is true. No matter how we end up getting our children, we will love them unconditionally. I wish I could make him believe that.

All of this is just so hard. It's so unfair. There are no good answers. I guess we have to just sit back and wait to see what happens.


Carey said...

You are so right -- this is all so very hard and certainly not fair. Hang in there...

Samantha said...

Sweetie, I am really sorry this is so hard. It is difficult for T to be in your shoes, just as it's difficult for you to completely understand where he is coming from. I understand what you mean about not being emotionally invested in the process, I feel the same way right now. I know intellectually that I've made the decision to do another cycle, and it might work, but emotionally I feel distant. It's difficult, and you've been hurt so many times before.

Wishing you the best.

maggie said...

i'm a lurker and am currently going through a donor cycle. we're even doing pgd to try to avoid a genetic condition of my husband's. i'll have no genetic link to any child we create but i will have the connection of carrying him/her if it works. my main comment is that i really feel what you're going through in terms of simply wanting a child, blood or no blood relation. my dearest friend had a baby and i bonded so hard with that little one that after i saw him i realized, if i can love a baby that much and it's not my own, i'd have no problem loving a child that's not related to me genetically. i wish you the best!

Sarah said...

totally unfair! one of the things i think is hardest about IF on marriage is that we often move through the emotional process at a different rate from our spouse and it's so hard to communicate when we're just in different places. it sounds like you guys have done an amazing job of recognizing where you each are (unlike my approach where i sometimes just threw a glass of water at him).

i agree that he will probably love and bond with the baby just as much, but men's hopes seem to be so much more resilient than ours (ie they can be totally unrealistic, maybe b/c they don't go through what we do). it took mine a good four years and loads of failed IUIs to finally believe it wasn't going to happen "naturally", i can't imagine how many attempts it would take for him to accept that we'd need to try a donor.

i will still hold onto hope for you that this cycle works, but if it doesn't i hope he will have made his way closer to where you are in all this.

ultimatejourney said...

Don't be silly, you didn't complain that much!

Our experiences are very different, but have so many parallels. It seems like your feelings on this cycle are similar to my feelings on our surgery. I knew the surgery could work, but I didn't feel like I could get attached to the idea that it would work, or I would be more crushed if it didn't.

As you know, my husband didn't want to give up on a biological connection until we fully explored all possibilities. Maybe it's a guy thing.

I wish you all the best for this cycle.

megan said...

it *is* so unfair. i really hope this cycle works out for you both. it's at least good that you and T are talking about it. i think the fact that you are going through all that you have to go through for this third IVF is proof that you haven't left him behind....but you have to keep looking forward as well. i really hope for the both of you that you don't have to.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Translocation is so freaking unfair. I am sorry this is so hard, and I so hope that this cycle is it for you. *Hug*

Leah said...

None of it is fair -- the bt, the miscarriages, and the whole infertility deal. All of it is terrible, draining, tragic. Luckily it sounds like you guys are a strong couple who truly love each other. This will sustain you.

I can't say I completely understand where T is coming from, but sarah is so right when she says that guys move through the sea of emotions in a completely different way.

If this current cycle doesn't work, we will do another with donor eggs. I say out loud that this is okay, but inside I die a thousand deaths each time I think about it. I have no doubt at all whatsoever that I will love and care for our baby as if it were my own flesh and blood, but I will gravely miss seeing a little one with my curly hair, my freckles, my Mom's blue eyes, etc. I imagine it's the same with T. He'll just need some time to adjust to the idea.

For what it's worth, I am more hopeful about this particular cycle than the previous 5. The only reason I can come up with is because this is the LAST cycle we will do where I have a chance at a biological connection. Therefore, perhaps that's how T feels as well. All of his hopes (there goes that word again) hinge on THIS cycle working. How can he not be 110% invested in it?

Having said all that, I am so weary of the physical and emotional toils of the ART stuff. I'm tired of trying to swim up a waterfall. So I know exactly how you feel when you say you are just drained.

Hang in there, I'm still wildly optimistic that this cycle will work for you!

Jackie said...

Rachel-having my own on-again-off-again relationship with hope, I can really empathize what you are experiencing emotionally. I keep expecting to be surprised and I can be optimistic and hopeful after I get the surprise, but it never comes which seems to further distance me from hope. Most days I beg for the pendulum to swing back the other way and allow me to be hopeful if only for a moment so I can force myself through another cycle of trying.
I wish you all the best.

elisabeth said...

I just stumbled across your blog today and can relate to your fears with passing on a translocation to your children. I also have a translocation, and have struggled a lot with the fear that every time I am able to get pregnant I will miscarry, and that if I do carry a pregnancy to term, the baby will have a disability or a translocation they can pass on to their own children. I was unaware before finding your blog that translocations were more common. I had never heard of them before we did genetic testing and found that I have one.

I can also relate to your husband's guilt. I have often felt guilty that my husband is stuck with me, feeling like he could have done so much better if he had married another woman. Then he could have normal children and not always be worried about the high risks of getting pregnant. But God has given me such a wonderful husband, who is always reassuring to me and loving. I know that he would rather be married to me than any other woman in the world, even with the baggage I carry.

And, I am slowly learning to trust God, that he will provide us with the child/children that are best for us, whether they are normal, have translocations or disabilities, or are adopted.

I am praying that this cycle works for you.