I had a lovely coffee with ultimatejourney this morning. I sort of felt like I complained the whole time, but it's definitely nice to spend time with someone who really understands the emotional ins and outs of this whole process. I appreciate that she is such a good listener. I'm a bit of a mess right now, so I take every opportunity to unload all my crap. Hope I didn't scare her away...
Last night T and I had a discussion about this cycle. It wasn't a very good one. I told him how I really felt like this cycle wouldn't work. I guess at some point I said I had no hope that it would work. He took this to mean that I didn't hope that it would work. This really hurt him.
That is not what I meant. Of course I hope it works. The ideal outcome of this cycle is that I will be pregnant with a healthy baby that is genetically related to both of us. I just really don't think that is what the outcome will be. We had talked about how difficult these cycles are for me, and how I don't like doing them. However, we decided together that I need to go through this third IVF to make sure that we tried everything we could to try to have a baby together.
T feels like I've left him behind. He has some hope that this cycle might work. See, there is that language that got us all tripped up last night. It's that horrible word. Hope. I have mentally moved on from these IVFs. I don't think they will work, so I am not emotionally invested in the process. I am going through the physical process, which you know is not easy, but I'm not invested in the idea that it will work.
It's a huge process. I have 4 shots per day, plus monitoring, plus the egg retrieval. The hormones alter my attention span, the way I think and the way I feel. I tried to explain to T that just like I can't understand what it's like to carry the translocation, he can't understand what it is like to go through a cycle. He didn't like that. In general, T is a very empathetic man. He appreciates me, and tells me this on a regular basis. He tells me he loves me every day. He constantly tells me how lucky he is to be married to me. I know that other people's husbands do not do things like this, and I think I am lucky to be married to such a sweet man. Despite this, he still can't understand what it's like to go through the IVF process.
He constantly feels guilty that he is putting me through this. He feels guilty that he carries this translocation. I try to tell him that it is not his fault, but he doesn't believe it.
One of my biggest fears is passing the translocation to our children. I told him this last night, and that is when I lost it. He took this to mean that I've moved on and that I don't want to have children with him. He still hopes that we can have a child together. I am just at a loss. I just want a child. I feel like I no longer care who our child is genetically related to. I just want a child. Sometimes I wish I was the one with the translocation. That way we would go ahead with donor egg and we would both be okay.
T is afraid that he won't bond with a child that isn't genetically related to him. This is probably a common fear, but I just don't believe that it is true. Once I am pregnant or we have a baby in the house, I just know he will love it so much. Raising a child is important to him, and when it is here, that is all he will care about. I just don't know how to convince him that this is true.
He says that it's easy for me to say because our child most likely will be genetically related to me. Maybe. But I still think it is true. No matter how we end up getting our children, we will love them unconditionally. I wish I could make him believe that.
All of this is just so hard. It's so unfair. There are no good answers. I guess we have to just sit back and wait to see what happens.