Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Good bye and good riddance

I didn't much like 2008. I was unemployed, I had a miscarriage with donor sperm, my insurance company stopped covering my infertility treatment, I came to the full realization that my husband and I will never create a child together, and I truly began to believe that I will never be pregnant long enough to bear a live child.

I am glad to see 2008 go.

But I do hold out a little hope that 2009 might be better. We have a new administration coming in, and I hope to be able to be proud of my country again. And there is a very small possibility that there might be a chance that the opportunity to become parents could present itself to us at some point in the coming year.

But we all know that hope is a bitch.

All that being said, I'm sure I'll be asleep at midnight.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Swirling thoughts

My thoughts have been all over the place lately. The holidays always make me feel weird. I'm Jewish, and I have a strong ethnic identity with being an Ashkenazi Jew. I'm not very observant (or observant at all, really), but there was a time in college that I actually thought about going to rabbinical school. I really enjoy the study of religion and comparative religion. In the end, I couldn't picture myself actually being a rabbi, even if I would enjoy rabbinical school, so I decided it wasn't the correct educational path for me.

T is not Jewish. He went to church a little bit when he was younger, but he is very disillusioned with organized religion and he vehemently does not believe in god. I sort of believe in god, but not really in the traditional Judeo-Christian way of believing in god. When T and I talk about these types of things, even though we put different words to the way we believe the world works, our differences are essentially semantic. It's pretty striking, however, how important semantics is under these circumstances.

Before we got married, I told T that I wanted to raise our children Jewish. Because I have such a strong cultural identification with Judaism, it has always been important to me to have children that identify as Jewish. I also sort of feel like the world has tried to eliminate the Jewish people so many times, and by abandoning the Jewish tradition, I'd be abandoning the strong history of the Jewish people. I don't know, it was kind of like if I didn't raise my children as Jews that Hitler would win somehow. I know that sounds crazy, and I didn't even have any immediate family still in Europe during WWII -- 3 out of 4 grandparents were born in this country. But I still believe that I owe it to my 'people' to continue at least some of my traditions, even if they are Americanized and not followed particularly strongly.

Unlike most western religions or ethnicities, Judiasm passes from mother to child. A child born of a Jewish mother is Jewish. It doesn't matter if the father is not -- Judaism is matralinial. When we were trying to have a child, I felt like my child would be Jewish because genetically he or she would come from me.

Now that we are adopting, I feel really differently about all of this. When you educate yourself about adoption, you learn that it is really important to acknowledge the genetic history of your child. People who adopt from other countries often try to learn as much as possible about the child's home country and often try to education them about what life is like back there so that they can have some connection to their roots.

As I heard a conversation about klezmer and other Jewish music on the radio yesterday, it really got me to thinking about all of this stuff. I guess I'm not sure how to reconcile all of this mixed culture stuff. I'm not sure how to handle it. Sometimes I feel like abandoning my attempts at trying to stay a little Jewish. I mean, I know I'll always be a little Jewish, but at some point it seems like trying to pass that on it's no longer worth it. But then I think I'm being defeatist. My brothers' families are mixed marriages and the children, to varying extents, are Jewish. One of my SILs is about to convert after being married to my brother for 15 years. One of their kids was adopted, and she is 'vehemently' Jewish -- meaning she notices how Christian-centric everything in the US is. So even though all of my nieces and nephews are technically not Jewish (none of their birth mothers were Jewish at the time of their birth) they all still identify at least somewhat as Jewish.

I'm just not sure how to reconcile all of these things. Being Jewish is a kind of unique thing -- there are certain experiences that come from being brought up Jewish in the US and dealing with Christmas that somehow makes you different. Being out of school for the high holidays and teaching people about matzoh when you bring it to school for lunch adds to this experience. And even after my SIL converts, she doesn't quite understand that part. And that's the ethnic, cultural part of being and American Ashkenazi Jew that I'm talking about. Even after she converts, she'll still 'miss' Christmas -- which I know she does. (Understandibly -- Christmas can be such a lovely thing for some families. And then there's the smell of pine and the decorations and the significance of ornaments, etc. Though it hasn't been my experience, I listen when people talk about such things and have been at friends' houses while they decorated the tree.)

I guess what I'm saying is that I just don't know what our family traditions are going to become as we form our family, and I know it's going to be a bunch of traditions mixed together. And I guess my real question is that how much watering down turns a tradition into nothing?

This time of year often brings these questions up for me. And it's always weird to think about because I know my behavior would change if I was with someone who was Jewish. The questions I would be posing would be different ones.

I suppose I should find someone to talk to about all of these issues. I think I'd like to, but my work situation makes it not so easy. Maybe I can in a couple of months after things have settled down.

Thursday, December 25, 2008


I made marshmallows.

Then I dipped them in dark chocolate.

This is what I made for dessert today.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Snowy Morning

It's a snowy morning in New England. We've cleaned it up, but there is more coming tomorrow. Our family Chanukah party that was planned for tomorrow may be postponed. I blew off my plans from last night because I didn't want to trek through the snowstorm.

The coffee is good this morning. I find sitting at home with the snow outside to be relaxing.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Rainy days and Mondays

Today was better than last week. Nobody really yelled at me on the phone.

This weekend was pretty good in terms of the things we did. We went out for some nice Ethiopian food and had a cupcake from one of those trendy cupcake places that keep cropping up. We also went to one of our niece's 11th birthday party. I made a hat and mittens for her, and she was pleased with them.

I got some bad news from some friends, too. I found out one friend has separated from her husband, and another got some bad infertility news. The one who is separated is sad, but seems to be doing okay. The fellow infertile isn't doing so well as she got the diagnosis that the chance of spontaneous conception was very, very low. Because it is secondary infertility, I think she feels like her sadness doesn't appreciate her kid enough or something. I don't know much about secondary infertility, but I do know it sucks. All infertility sucks.

It's so weird when these types of issues come into real life. I feel like I don't know how to comfort my friends. I send them emails or call them on the phone, but there is really nothing to do or say. It's all about listening and agreeing that it all sucks. But somehow that doesn't make anybody feel any better.

I don't know if I liked people talking to me when I got bad news or if I preferred to be left alone. I think I generally liked to be left alone, but I'm not really sure.

I just wish I could do more for them.

Friday, December 12, 2008

End of a bad week

This week sucked. I am so glad it is over. Work was bad, life was bad, but mostly work was bad. These are two of the busiest weeks of the year, and I have been yelled at more than I can remember ever being yelled at -- and definitely the worst at this job. People are just very, very unhappy.

Today was slightly better, but it was just a crapfest of a week.

And now I'm really, really busy for the next week. We have something to do throughout this weekend through next weekend. I think our only empty days after today are Monday and Tuesday until next Monday the 22nd. And the 23rd is T's birthday, and he is not happy about it. Milestones suck.

The one good thing was today was slightly better, and I went to a meeting with my new department and got some assignments! So, I get to take some time to do some non-phone work in the upcoming weeks, which I'm really excited about. That and my taxi service ends in a few weeks.

The future is very, very slowly becoming the present. S l o w l y.


Just got the mail and we got the letter.

We are officially a waiting family with our adoption agency.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Bye bye vials

I just filled out the form to sell back our two remaining vials of donor sperm. I'm not sure I mentioned this, but we got a call from the cryobank saying that at new genetic test had become reliable and they've started testing all the vials. Of course, our donor was one of the few that tested positive. I'm not exactly sure what the test is for, but it's a recessive gene that, if both biological parents carry it (like Cystic Fibrosis) and the kid gets it, it's a horrible muscle wasting disease like Muscular Dystrophy and it can lead to death in children at around 2 years of age.

Why do I feel like it figures that the donor we chose would have this? This is the donor I had the miscarriage with. I don't know if I carry that gene -- most likely I don't -- but still. Weird.

Anyway, the cryobank offered to exchange the vials for a new donor, but we really are never doing to do more inseminations, so we're hoping to just sell it back. At a loss. A 50% loss. They only pay you 50% of what you paid for it. Of course. It's a freaking racket. But any way.

Bye bye vials.

Saturday, December 06, 2008


I need some food and we're not doing anything tonight, so I'm feeling particularly cranky right now. T ordered a pizza, so I will be getting some food soon. Hopefully that will help.

I also have to work on my niece's birthday present, but I'm too cranky to knit. I've been too cranky to knit quite often lately. But her party is in a week and I have to get it done.

Tomorrow E and little S are stopping over for a visit. He's 2 1/2 now. It's amazing how much time has passed. All of the pregnancies that happened while we were having our miscarriages are now toddlers turning 2. I think about how they'll probably be nearly 4 when we finally become parents.

I'm not sure what's going on with me right now. I'm not in a sane place. I don't really feel like myself. We spent hours waiting for a new tire today. We went shopping and we each bought a new pair of shoes. T also got a new travel mug which he is very excited about. I tried to take the mildew stains out of our canvas shower curtain by soaking in in Oxy*Cle@n for several hours, but the mildew stains are still there.

We need to do some cleaning, but I'm just in no state of mind to do that. I get frustrated with my job, but I definitely like being busy. I look forward to the weekend so much, and then I tend to get cranky when the weekend comes if we don't have enough things to do. I just feel so unsatisfied by everything all of the time. I think we're pretty busy for the next two weekends, so that is a good thing. Then it's Xmas with my parents and my brother, but I'm not sure we have plans for that weekend.

Pizza has arrived.

Monday, December 01, 2008

One holiday down...

Got through the holiday okay. Nothing too bad. My extended family has become slightly difficult to deal with, but in general it was fine. I did get to do that paint your own clay thing with my nieces. One of them, H (age 9), saw how excited I was to be there and do the painting and she said to me, "If you adopt a girl you'll take her to places like this all the time." I thought that was cute and very interesting -- the kids definitely think about us and kids and the adoption. I was a little surprised, but it was a nice thing to hear.

T and I also drove up to Portland, ME to see a college friend of mine. The weather was nice and it was great to see her and she and T get along really well as they are both political junkies. We got to walk around and have some great beer and coffee. It was nice.

Now it's back to work and it should be a pretty busy month for me. Tonight we are meeting someone who is also a waiting parent -- she is doing international adoption as a SMC and is just looking for some compatriots. We'll have a meal and share angst.

Got a hard copy of our home study today. There were some tiny changes to make, but overall it was a really nice document. It made us sound like a good couple and good potential parents. It also made me feel like we are the way we think we are. I guess that's good, right?

So, we have a few more weeks of Xmas crap. (Sorry to those of you who love the holiday season. I've never been much for the whole Xmas/Holiday thing.) Then it will be a new year and we'll have a new president and I won't be a taxi driver any more and I will start a new position in my company.

I am looking forward to the change toward the new year.

Thursday, November 27, 2008


Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers out there.

Had some seafood with the family last night. Never sure what time with my extended family might be like, but it wasn't too bad. Did come to the realization that my Uncle is really an 'old boys club' kind of guy when he asked where I was working these days and I told him, and then told him that my cousins use the product that my company produces. He thought that product might be good for him, and instead of asking me about how he would go about using it (since, you know, I support people who have technical questions about said product) he started asking my cousin. My cousin is a man. He only asks other men business related questions. He asked T and my brother an opinion about some business venture he has going on. He would never ask me that same question. None of this is much of a surprise, really, but I just had never thought about it that concretely. He really dismisses the opinions of women. He's on his third marriage, and I think this one will last because she's a helpless princess and he can take care of her. That makes him happy.

We meet at my parents at 3 today. I made the applesauce a few days ago and I just finished making some deviled eggs. Next I'm going to make our family's delicious carrot souffle recipe. Yum!

Hope everybody has a good day.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Wonderful cheese,
wonderful apps,
wonderful wine,
wonderful meal,
wonderful dessert,
wonderful husband.

Monday, November 24, 2008

A little better for now

The fourth grade in my brother and sister-in-law's town has a 'wax museum' night every year where the fourth graders read a biography and then they write about them, memorize their spiel and sit or stand in a dark gym. Parents and family come to the gym and wave a flashlight at the fourth graders and they recite their spiel.

We went to Wax Museum night tonight. Our nice H did a wonderful job as Mia Hamm. It's such a great idea, and the kids made some interesting choices in their biographies.

After the performance we want to brother and SIL's for dinner. Yummy beef stew. Nephew is reading a book we gave him for his birthday and enjoying it. We gossiped about Thanksgiving occurrences and laughed a lot.

Two of the young children will not be coming for Thanksgiving due to a full-on family illness. Of course that's the one young family that knows about our situation and would be appropriately understanding, I think. My extended family is insane.

I'm feeling a little better after the family time. My SIL hadn't been acting like herself and we had been worried, but she has been getting and better and tonight it was just like having the old SIL back. And it was so nice. And the niece and nephew are great. And my family is funny, and we had fun.

And I told my taxi-riders that after January 1st I will be a taxi no more.

Tomorrow is our anniversary. We will go out for a nice dinner, and then we will have one more day of work before the family chaos starts.

An old college friend sent an email and T and I will go visit her and I am excited to see her and catch up.

I'm hopeful that in the morning my spirits will be a little lifted for our anniversary, which is still the best thing that has happened to me. Despite everything I am so lucky to have my wonderful T in my life and I am just so thankful for him.


Feeling down.

Felt down all weekend. Saturday I could barely get off the couch. Sunday was better, but it's Monday morning, and I'm still feeling bad.

Tomorrow is our anniversary. We made reservations at someplace nice. It's supposed to rain hard all day.

There are going to be lots of little kids around for Thanksgiving. I think 5 under 5. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so down. If one of my pregnancies had worked out, we'd have a 1 or 2 year old at this point.

I don't want to skip Thanksgiving because I think that will be worse, but I'm not in a very good place right now.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


I'm a little pre-menstrual. That may have been a part of my rant yesterday about my carpool. That being said, I have still decided to end it.

And I also have to remind myself that it is not a carpool because we do not share driving responsibility. It is more like a taxi service.

But anyway, I remembered that I wanted to write down this story for posterity. The woman who sits in the cube next to me asked me if I was interested in adopting a dog. I love dogs, and I kind of want a dog, but we are not planning on getting a dog right now. So I asked why. Apparently a friend of hers has a dog that attacked their child. And this couple has another child on the way, and they need to get rid of the dog because it attacks children. So apparently I'm a prime candidate for the baby-attacking dog. I might want it. You see, because we don't have any children, we might be interested in taking in a dog that attacks babies. Make sense? It does to her!

Oh! And another story for posterity. One of the recipients of my friendly daily taxi service has two kids. She constantly reads Parents magazine and talks about her kids every morning -- she usually complains about how terrible and difficult her children are, but then will say it's mostly worth it, she guesses. I think I've mentioned that her MIL does most of the parenting for her children, but that's a little beside the point.

Anyway, we were listening to Johnny Cash and there's this song about a dog and Johnny Cash sings about this "dirty old egg-sucking dog." B goes on to tell us (me and the other taxi-er) that sometimes she tells her 2-year-old that he's lucky he's so cute because his behavior is so terrible that otherwise she would give him away. Yes, she tells her two year old son that she wants to give him away because he's bad. But she doesn't because he's cute. Isn't that a great message? She says it to him in front of her other son who is 5. Yay! I usually don't say anything to B about her horrible parenting, but I couldn't stop myself with that one. I told her that saying such a thing was horrible. She said she wouldn't say it to him if he understood what she meant! I informed her that kids understand a lot more than she thinks. The 2-year-old J is definitely not an easy kid. I would guess this is true not only because of his parents' poor parenting skills, but because that is just how this kid is. I believe that. But to think that telling a 2-year-old he better behave or else you will give him away might improve his behavior is insane! Why would you not understand that this would probably create more behavior problems, I do not know. After I expressed my horror, she said she guesses she had better stop saying that to J.

Oh. My. God.

Yes, I have PMS, but these are the types of things that drive me crazy. I'm not in the best place right now.

Friday, November 21, 2008


I just don't think I can take it any more. I hate my carpool.

They give me $60 per month for gas money. I get way more than $60 worth of grief from this.

I think starting January 1st, this carpool is over.

I'm so bad at telling people stuff like this, though. What do I say? I can't tell them I hate them and they bother me so I don't want to drive them any more. I can't tell them that their annoying behavior isn't worth the money they pay me every month. I'm not like that.

I'm just going to have to say that I need a break and I'm going to be starting a new job pretty soon and it's just not going to work for me any more.

I'll tell them after Thanksgiving.

God, I hate them. I HATE THEM!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Making plans

Our 3rd wedding anniversary is one week from today. We are trying to make plans to do something nice. We want to go out to a nice dinner on the actual day of our anniversary -- but not too nice -- because we are hoping to get a weekend away on the first weekend in December. As a gift to ourselves. We don't go away much and we think it will be good for us to go away. We need to pamper ourselves.

I don't want to use any vacation time because we're hoping to visit my parents in Florida in February or March, but leaving Saturday morning, staying in a hotel, going out to a nice dinner all seems like a good get-away.

We just have to make the damn reservations.

Otherwise, everything is the same. Sometimes I feel like life is just passing us by and I am just standing on the side of the road watching it pass.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Trying to keep on keeping on

While we haven't decided exactly what to do regarding our book, things are slightly better today. I suspect that we'll change it around a bunch, but we most likely will leave in at least one picture of the cats. But this decision is ongoing.

T has been having trouble at work, but after a long week of fretting and freaking out, things have settled down a little in that area. Things were talked out, tentative agreements were made and it seems like his work is going to be moving forward in a reasonable way, at least for now. So that is a good thing.

I'm still totally sick of my current job, but I am living with it. My carpoolies still suck, but I am riding with them. My job is just stuck until after the new year.

I also found, on one of the many social networking sites I use, a birth mother that I was able to have a conversation with. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be able to talk to birth moms. I feel I approach adoption with concerns, and I like to see the concerns from the 'other side' too. And it makes me feel so good when we view things similar, even while on opposite ends.

What really helped me was having both sides agree that the emptiness that comes from infertility can give us insight into the emptiness that comes from deciding to have your child brought up by another set of parents. I know that the situations are completely different, but it is the shared experience of emptiness that allows T and me to have such empathy for birth moms. And that, in turn, should help us understand how to navigate our adoption and our openness.

This has been such a long week, and I'm just so glad it is over. I hope I can find a little rest and relaxation during the weekend.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


The potential facilitator pretty much wants us to redo our book. Sigh.

I found a lot of her suggestions to be fine. I can rework it much in the way she wants.

But she wants us to take out the pictures of the cats. She says a lot of birth mothers skip over books because of cats. There apparently is some old wives tale about cats sitting on a baby's face and suffocating it.

This bothers me on so many levels. One, I sort of feel like it makes it seem like she sees birth mothers as ignorant and superstitious, which is kind of an insult to them. And I also feel like it will misrepresent us to take them out. They are part of our family.

She told us all her suggestions were optional and we didn't have to take them.

But talking to her about it made me, for the first time, feel pressure. I felt like I was talking to a high pressure marketing person. I didn't like it.

Part of me thinks we should just do what she says, for the most part. Looking for another outreach person -- an agency or attorney or another facilitator -- just seems like too much at this point. I enjoyed talking to her.

I just don't like high pressure and I felt a little pressure.

I'm not sure what to do. Sleeping on things is always good, so that is what I'm going to do.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Photo Book

We sent the photo book with dear birth mother letter to our potential facilitator. She has some suggestions.


I hope they're minor.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Moving along

Nothing new here.

Talked to the facilitator again last night. I like her. We're continuing to move forward with her. She said that due to the tough economic times, the domestic adoption arena has changed a little. It has really ramped up lately, but with these times a slightly higher number of women are looking to make adoption plans, and a slightly lower number of potential adoptive parents are able to afford all of the fees, so there is a slight increase in placements for her lately.

Which makes me a little nervous. But in a good way.

We still want an attorney to review her contract before we send it in, but once that is reviewed, I think we'll be moving forward.

It's just so difficult for me to accept that this may happen. I can't explain it, but my nervousness comes from being in a place where I was convinced that we just couldn't be parents. Maybe that's not the right way to explain it.

While we were going through fertility treatments, I had a lot of hope at the beginning. Hoping to be pregnant was easy for me, I guess. Once I was pregnant for a while, I might be able to start planning a little. Yes, of course I know that terrible things happen with some pregnancies and sometimes, and nothing is a guarantee. That being said, barring horrible and unforeseen circumstances, you do have a time line. I like time lines. I like to plan.

But you just never know when a match will happen. You never know how far along the expectant mother will be. Sometimes they're a week from their due date. Sometimes they're more like 20 weeks. I'm not sure which scenario would be easier, though. Knowing about a match for 20 weeks before the baby arrives seems nice in some ways -- it can give me that 'planning time' I seem to be longing for. But it also seems to me that the earlier the match, the higher of the likeliness that a match will fall through. Maybe I'm making that up in my head and what will really happen is I will just have more time to image how things might not work out. As a worrier, that's a distinct possibility as well.

Anyway, I guess I'm in another transition period. I have to bring myself into a place that can accept that at any time we might be matched and we might bring home a baby.

I find it difficult to even type that.

Maybe I need to start therapy again.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Voted already

The polls open at 7am in Massachusetts and T and I decided to get there right when they open to avoid long lines. The line was long-ish, but the poll workers were efficient and we were out of there by 7:15. I voted already! Yay for me!

Now we just have to watch election coverage tonight with election night pizza. This is our tradition.

I just have to say, I am so glad for this campaign to be over. I was so sick of all the talk and the TV ads and everything. I am so happy I don't have to watch any of this crap any more. I am ready to just move on. And hopefully things will move on in the way I hope they will. It's going to be a long night.

Not much new here. We have the Expand Your Search meeting tomorrow night, and hopefully we will begin to truly move forward with our facilitator. I have looked at her forms many time, but have yet to fill them out. I finished putting our photo booklets together and will drop them off at the agency tomorrow evening, since we're going to be there anyway.

Every week I'm going to the meeting in my new department. It really makes me salivate about starting my new job. I really can't wait. Time seems to be creeping, though, and it's unclear when I will actually start. It makes my current job really painful. I'm not enjoying it any more, and my carpoolers make it even worse. In just a few months a lot of these problems will be behind me, but I'm not good at being patient.

Plus, now that so much stuff is kind of 'settled' I have found my new ridiculous worry. I worry that (ok, don't laugh) we will get a placement somewhat quickly and I won't have time to settle in my new job. More realistically, I have been hoping to stay home with our kids for a while, but if I really like my new job and that career path (which it truly could be) I'm not sure I'm really going to want to stay home full time. I need time to become 'essential' in my position so that I could possibly switch to part time, which I think would be fine with me. But I am worrying about these issues. And I know it's stupid because it is so far away and I can't possibly predict what is going to happen, but this is how I function. I have to have something to worry about.

But, at least at this time this is worrying about positive things?

Anyway, I'm going to relax now until it is time to leave for work.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


Feeling slightly better today. I still have major inferiority complexes when it comes to my work, and I don't enjoy seeing people I knew when I was actually successful at things (yes, that was high school - how depressing) and letting them see me now. I'm embarrassed about what I do, to be honest. It might be a little better when I am actually doing my new job, but that is still not going to be for a while now.

I'm really not liking my job these days and I can't wait to start the new one. This was just not what I needed right now.

T stayed home from work today because they had a children's Halloween parade with all of the 30 kids under 5 in his office that he's had to watch people have over the last few years while we were left behind. He's not going in tomorrow either, to avoid the aftermath. And pictures. And while he was home he tried to fix something but ended up breaking it more. This has really bummed him out.

And it sucks when we're both bummed out.

But I carved a pumpkin and baked some pumpkin seeds, so that was a little good. And my jack-o-lantern looks good. We have lots of candy for lots of kids tomorrow. And I'm sure we'll eat tons of candy. Too much. I'm going to be gaining weight, I'm sure. Ugh.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I hate

Do you know what I hate? I hate when people I went to high school with show up unexpectedly in my life. Then I see how successful they are and how they have kids and have accomplished things in their life when I, who usually was better than them in school, have no career, a crappy job and no kids. I sit there, seeing them in all of their adult success while I have to sit there and feel embarrassed that I do fucking tech support in some crappy half job that someone without even a college degree can complete. I have failed at every job I have had and at trying to have kids and I have had to resort to some dumb job where I don't even have to really think in order to get by because I have had all of my pregnancies and IVFs fail and I can't even use my degree, which was a ridiculous degree to begin with, and I have absolutely nothing to show for my education and my intelligence.

I have a good husband, and I love him so much. We have a wonderful marriage. I really am grateful for that.

But aside from that, my life sucks.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


I'm sick today.

I was feeling crappy yesterday. I almost went home early, but I felt a little better in the afternoon. But I didn't feel up to pretending to not feel like crap today, so here I am. I took a couple of naps and now I am warming up some soup.

Yesterday I got to go to a meeting in my new department. It was awesome! It's full of people like me who care whether or not there is a hyphen in drop-down and whether or not website is one word or two. I can't believe it's going to be so long until I can start! But I felt comfortable there and I was chomping at the bit to start working there. But I have to be patient.

There's nothing much else going on. Next week we have the 'expanding our search' meeting and we will soon be hooking up with that facilitator I've been talking to (unless something new and unexpected comes up.)

Soup's ready.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Toward the weekend

A few good things:

1)I got one of the jobs I applied for.

It doesn't start for another 3-5 months, but I am told that when the position opens up officially and there's some work to do on the specific project, I will have a job. I do not need to interview again. They really liked me and think I'm a good fit. So I got the job. At some point.

Hmmm... something about that scenario seems familiar....

2)I get to work from home tomorrow!

We're testing out some software and I get to work from home all day tomorrow which is a rare treat. I do not have a flexible job and things like this rarely come up. So working from home on a Friday seems super excellent.

3) We printed out 5 full copies of our profile. It looks really good. I've decided to crochet the pages together instead of using a ribbon because we're more crafty people than ribbon-y people. So I'm figuring out how that works. But it looks really good. Somehow, though, picking it up made me a little sad. But it's okay.

Today is my nephew's birthday. He's 12. I can't believe it. Just shocking. Wow. He's such a good kid. Time is weird.

I think that's all that's going on right now. I guess things are kind of okay. Looking forward to the weekend.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

All's Quiet

I finished my three adoption books. I think I learned a lot from them. I gave Secret Thoughts to my mother to read because I thought it would help her understand better. My brother and SIL never said much about L's adoption and how she or they would approach the issues that might come up. They didn't educate us much about adoption. It was never a secret or something shameful. It just was.

Now that we're approaching becoming adoptive parents, we're taking a very different stance. We want to tell everybody all about it. Once an actual baby comes home things will shift, but we want to educate first. I think some of the differences between our situations is that they choose adoption after they had been matched -- it was a parent initiated adoption. They never went into a waiting pool so the situation was very different.

Anyway, if you haven't read The Kid by Dan Savage, I can't recommend it enough. Though there are some differences in the situation as they are a gay couple and didn't deal with infertility in the same way most of us have, he is sensitive to the concept of infertility, and he really speaks to openness in adoption and the implications of raising a child genetically related to someone else.

The most insightful part to me is when they take The Kid home and how it affects his birth mother as well as how it affects Dan and Terry. It is incredibly moving, and it really encapsulates all of the difficulties that are part of the adoptive process. To enter into adoption with eyes wide open is incredibly important, and it helped me to share their story and do just that. Along with the birth mothers I heard from a couple weeks ago at our Adoption Agency meeting and this book, I feel like I am preparing myself for what adoption will truly be like.

So, I'm still feeling contemplative about all of this. Doing a lot of thinking and not a lot of doing. Not much else is going on. The weather is getting cold, the leaves are turning, and I'm thinking about life.

Oh, and I think T and I have decided to sell our two vials of donor sperm back to the cryobank. I don't think we're going to do any more dIUIs.

And if the Routan commercials with Brooke Shields piss you off as much as they piss me off, complain to them by clicking on Contact Us at the bottom of this page. I told them that I now hate the Volkswagen brand since they started these commercials -- and I used to own one.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Show and Tell

I just finished myself a purse! I absolutely love it. And I did the zipper so well! Yay me!

Saturday, October 11, 2008


Have you seen those horrible Routan commercials? They're making me want to put a hatchet in the TV. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!


So, in my sadness I bought some books. I bought the Dan Savage The Kid book, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother and Making Room In Our Hearts. I'm almost done with Secret Thoughts. It makes a lot of sense to me. It is good to be reading these things and putting myself in someone else's head, I think. She has gone through this and is just writing what she feels. It's almost like reading someone's blog, I think.

In Making Room, it is really interesting to read the birth parents' point of view and the adoptees' point of view of how all of this open adoption stuff works. What I especially like is it's the perspective of older children or adoptees that are now adults and have grown up with open adoption. This is the part that I feel the least comfortable with. It's not the part while we're raising our children that freaks me out as much as what happens after our children are adults. So, this book is helping me get a peek of what it will be like.

I spoke again with our facilitator last night. I still like her. I think I may even start filling out her application. I really think we will be going in that direction, but I don't want to commit until we have our agency meeting that discusses search expansion. I told this to her and she understood. She thinks it's good that we are doing all of this research before making a commitment. She understands that this is an important decision and it has to be the right fit. This is why I like her.

T has to work today, so I am home by myself. I think I may go to a craft store that is closing and see what is left and on sale. I am also going to work more on the book. It is done, but we decided to double side it so I need to move things around so that the holes we punch in it don't pierce any words or pictures.

Hanging in....

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Having troubles

Last night we went to a meeting with the agency that is required before our adoption can become complete. We talked a lot about birth parents. Two birth moms came in and spoke to us. It was amazing. It was moving. These women are amazing. It's incredible what they have done.

It was also heart breaking.

Sometimes I question my ability to do this. Then I look at my niece L. And my cousin's wife. And my former co-worker. And some of my delightful fellow bloggers. They're all doing fine. I can do this.

But still, it's difficult to feel anything but that adoption is making the best of a bad situation. As heartbroken as these birth moms were, nothing could convince them that they made the wrong decision. They love their children fiercely. Reading letters and seeing pictures of their children thriving is bittersweet, but it definitely helps to reinforce their own ideas that they made the proper decision.

I'm just feeling loss on so many levels right now. I feel the losses of birth parents, of adoptees and of adoptive parents. Right now I am thinking the most about the losses of the birth parents. I really identified with the story of one of the birth moms there. I was listening and crying, and I am just feeling empty about this.

At least I got some good questions to ask the facilitator about birth mother counseling and such. We have two more meetings to go to. I think our agency does a really good job with all of this stuff, which is comforting.

But I'm just in a weird place right now. I guess I am grieving again. I'm sure I'm grieving for myself, but I also feel like I'm grieving for the birth mothers too. I don't know what's going on. All I know is I feel sad.

I'm going to temple tomorrow and I'm supposed to atone. I'm sure atoning would probably be good for me right now, but I just can't bring myself to do it too much right now. But I will sit with my family and I will think about all of these things.

And I hope that I can be forgiven by anybody to whom I have done wrong.

Thursday, October 02, 2008


I'm still here. Things are okay. Thank you for all of your kind words. It definitely lifted my spirits.

Incidentally I immediately applied for another job and had another interview today. This one went better than the other one, so it's time for me to wait again. I'll be less devastated if I don't get this one as I'm already prepared for what that feels like. But I'm feeling reasonably good about it. I dunno.

Rosh Hashanah was okay. I went to temple with my parents and my brother. There were all these discussions about the barren women in the bible. Sarah was barren until god gave her Isaac. And the Haftorah talks about Hannah and how she weeps and won't eat because she is barren. It made me sad. And there were some babies there, too. Dinner was good. My chicken soup with matzoh balls came out super yummy.

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. We don't have much in the way of plans. We're going to watch the debate and stay up late tomorrow watching the Red Sox. Have a good weekend!

Friday, September 26, 2008


I didn't get the job.

So, it is true. I just can't seem to succeed at anything.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


I'm still here. Still haven't heard about that job. I just figured out today that I had my interviews way back on Sept 4 & 5. That was three weeks ago! I feel like that is so long to be waiting. I guess I don't have a lot of patience.

We're also still trying to figure out about expanding our search. We've spoken to a facilitator that i like, got some information from a couple of attorney's offices and got a packet from an agency in another state. It is very difficult to sort through all of this information and determine which is the right fit for us. I really like the facilitator I spoke to, but with a facilitator we have to find our own attorney to use and it seems like there is a lot of contacts to maintain to make sure everything is done legally and ethically and is sound. Agencies are more all-in-one which we originally liked and which is a big reason we chose the agency we're using for our home study. But now that seems to have kind of flown out the window a little.

But I'm sure we'll figure it out and we will be able to find our proper fit. At this time I think it's this facilitator, but we are not done with our research.

That's all that's going on here. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

My opinion

I spent much of this week and this weekend seeking out adopted people and adoptive parents to get their views on all of this stuff. The result? Everyone is different.

Every adopted person is going to approach their adoption in a different way. For some it was bad. For some it was good. For some, it was both. Some thought about their birth parents every day. Some almost never did. It just depends on the individual.

I have to say that the people I spoke to personally (which is only a small number of people, granted) generally do not feel this way about their adoption. My guess is that most people who do feel this way probably think these people I spoke to are trying to spare my feelings or haven't truly looked inward or something like that. I do not think this is true.

I simply think that you just never know how things are going to turn out.

I am hopeful that because we will have some openness in our adoption and we will be able to answer questions our children have as best we can about their genetic history and the circumstances of their birth that this will mitigate a lot of those painful feelings.

Still, everybody's experience is different, and you just never know what is going to happen. And this is true for every person in the world that has ever existed.

My external (read: blog) discussion on this is now complete. I will forever think about these issues. Having this brought up on my blog has made me realize how ready I am to parent and how much emphasis I am focusing on how our children's lives will be as they grow up, and that is really good.

I have shut off comments on this post. I'm skeptical I will allow any further comments on my blog regarding the pros and cons of adoption.

Of course, like anything else, you just never know what will happen.

We now return to your regularly scheduled blog.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


At the suggestions of some of my new 'friends' I decided to check out this book they keep mentioning. That book is The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Verrier. I haven't purchased or read it yet, but I wanted to check it out to see what kind of book it was and what different types of people thought of it. It actually looks like a reasonably interesting book and I'm glad it was pointed out to me. That being said, I think people could have let me know about it in a bit more of an understanding and less off-putting way. I may borrow a copy or get it from the library or something along with my other adoption reading.

I also have reached out to several adopted (adult) friends and adoptive parents to discuss some of these issues that have come up on my blog. I am not finished reaching out yet, but I think it is important to get a diverse perspective on things. I don't appreciate being blindsided by people and most of these people didn't do their 'side' any favors by approaching me in this way.

I spoke to a facilitator yesterday about our search and actually liked her. She's sending me some more information about what she does and how she works. She focuses a lot on birth mother counseling which is important to us. I also got a packet from another attorney's office to check them out. At first glimpse of the packet I'm not getting a good vibe but I will look a bit more closely with T. Both of these people came recommended from our agency who also puts a premium on birth mother counseling, which I like. I want to make sure we find a good fit for us when it comes to our search.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Still here

I'm still here. I'm still plugging along. Nothing new is happening.

I'm waiting to hear about a possible promotion from work. I really hope I get it and I thought the interviews went well, but I'm still really nervous about it. I know they are interviewing 2 or 3 other people and I just have this weird feeling that they're going to think somebody is a better fit. I mean, it's not that they're going to think I'm not right, they're just going to think somebody else is right-er. This has happened to me before in a job.

I just sometimes feel like I'm a jinx. So why should this job be any different?

The weather is fabulous. It's cool at night but warms up during the day. I love it.

Monday, September 15, 2008


I'm feeling pretty spent and exhausted through all of this blog turmoil. I am still sorry for those people who have had bad experiences in their adoptions. This doesn't mean they had bad adoptive parents or that anybody did anything bad in particular, but if they are feeling that adamant, something somewhere in that process has gone wrong for them. And I am truly sorry for that. I promise I will do my best to do whatever is in my power to ensure that our children will know they are loved by us no matter what and that their birth parents love them and that they can get in touch with their birthparents when/if the need arises and their birthparents are okay with it. But we never know what the future will bring.

I wish I could make everybody have a positive life experience.

All I want in this world right now is to be a Mommy.

Anyway, I'm now exhausted by this thread so I don't think I will post about it for a little while. You all can continue your comments. I will continue to moderate them.

Comment moderation

It seems that some people who are anti-adoption have found my blog. I have left their comments up and tried to address their viewpoint a little bit. But I do not want my blog to be a place where we are having an argument over whether adoption is okay or not. Some adoptions are okay, and I am sure that some have also been done in a non-ethical and non-moral manner.

Neither of us are going to change each other's minds. Again, I have left their comments up on a previous post. If you are interested in reading more about the anti-adoption movement please refer to the book that one poster left as a comment, or you can link to their blogs and get more information, I am sure.

This blog is a diary for me. Yes, it is a diary that other people can read or comment on, but I just can not put myself in a place where I am arguing with people who do not agree with how I am creating my family. I have turned on comment moderation now and I will no longer be publishing these clearly anti-adoption posts.

I have to go to work now, but I wanted to post this now.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Anonymous adopted person?

There's an anonymous person commenting on my blog. From what I read of these comments, my guess is that this is an adopted person, but I cannot be sure.

I'm not really sure how to react to this anonymous person. From the comments I am assuming that this person has had a difficult time with the situation he or she has lived in. It seems to me this person was adopted and was never comfortable with it. Of course I do not know this and I am making huge assumptions and leaps.

Now that I am ready to become an adoptive parent, I have been trying to educate myself as much as I can about adoptive parenthood. This is why we've opened ourselves to more than just sending a picture an letter once a year to our child's birthparent if that's what that birth parent wants. I have heard the stories of many adopted people and birth parents and adoptive parents and the only thing that I have learned is that the story of each member of the triad is as varied as the people in the world.

Mostly this person has been telling me that I am selfish and that I'm not ready to be an adoptive parent. These comments don't make me feel bad, which is how I am sure that I am ready to be an adoptive parent. I get the feeling that this person feels abandoned. I don't want our child to feel that way, and that is why I want to maintain communications with our child's birthparents so that when we have questions we can ask them and have answers. Also, when the child is old enough, if both sides want it, there can be communication or visits, if it is appropriate.

I am sorry that this person has had a bad adoptive experience, if that is the case. I hope that he or she can find peace in the life that they lead. I am not sure why, but of the several (teen/adult) adopted people I have spoken to, they have not expressed the level of bitterness in losing their biological family as this person seems to have. Yes, they have all had some curiosity and some feelings of loss, isolation and loneliness -- some more than others. From all of the people I talk to, ever person reacts in a different way to their lives. This would be true for biological children as well. I am hoping that the openness we maintain in our triad will alleviate these feelings and give our children some answers.

No, anonymous poster, we are not going to 'seal' any records (unless that's what the law does) and we hope to always have a way to get in touch with our child's birth parents, so we can communicate with them if the need arises.

We just hope our child will grow up knowing how much of a loving choice their birthparents made by finding them a loving home where they were wanted and cherished and cared for and loved more than anything.


I just realized that my anonymous poster could be a birth parent. If so, perhaps their triad is not as open as he or she had hoped. If that is the case, I am terribly sorry. I can't imagine the difficulty of that situation, and I just know it takes a truly loving parent to make that choice for their child to know that being raised in another home is what would be best for him or her. I know adoption didn't always work that way, but I am glad that adoption has moved forward in that respect in these more modern times. If adoption is done legally, morally and ethically, it can be a good thing for all members of the triad.

Saturday, September 13, 2008


We went to a support group for waiting parents today. It was good. There was nothing mind boggling nor was there any sort of breakthrough, but it's nice to be around people who are in a similar situation to us and for us to talk about it. The biggest thing I realized at the group today was how far we've come in terms of our willingness to be open. We feel very ready to have a semi-open adoption. We are not in a place where we want to exchange identifying information, but we are more than willing to have more frequent communication that just sending a picture and letter once a year. We are neither scared nor threatened by this. We feel that this type of relationship will be a benefit to our child. I never thought I would be able to say those things and mean them, but I am doing that now. And it makes me feel good.

We got a little feedback about our book and have a few final changes to make. These last changes are the most difficult because I don't really have a similar but better photo to substitute for the three we want to change. But we will find something and we will "glue it down and move on." And then we will be done. And then we will be officially a waiting family.

We mailed in our "Matching and Placement Consideration" form today. We tried to be as open as we could with our choices, but to be honest we could only go so far. We are open to situations we would have never put ourselves in had we been able to get pregnant, but we are not really willing to enter a situation that we would never expect (a drug addicted baby) or would have been a surprise (a special needs adoption). This is where we are right now, and we can always change our minds in the future.

Sometimes I feel bad about this decision, and sometimes it makes me sad, but I refuse to allow myself feel bad because I want a similar situation to what I would have had were we able to have biological children. It would be unfair to a child to accept a situation you are not ready for. And that's the way it is.

Today was a pretty good day. We both got our hair cut. We had a lovely lunch and then went to the support group. I looked at some yarn and we visited my parents before they left for a trip to AZ. I feel much more relaxed this evening.

Tomorrow we will have a mellow day at home and we will take care of some things around the house. I will work on getting those final three pictures together and Monday is the start of a new week. I hope it will be a better one.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


I feel crazed. I'm not even sure a lot of stuff is going on, but I feel like it is.

Our cats had dental work done yesterday and we have to give them medication and feed them wet food, which they refuse to eat. I tried soaking the dry food, and only one of them will eat that. This, though minor, is feeling kind of big.

I finally called the pediatricians. I didn't get through to one, and the secretary of the other one said he would call me tonight after 5pm, but it's 6pm now and no call so far. And I didn't drive my carpoolee home because I didn't want to talk to a pediatrician about the questions I had with her in the car, but now that is for naught so I kind of feel bad.

I have therapy tomorrow morning and am working 10-6. I'll call the doctor who was supposed to call tonight in the morning to see what happened. I think I may try to call the other pediatrician too, while I'm at it.

I had a conversation with the woman who deals with birth parents from our adoption agency today about my dear BM letter. It's good and only need a very small amount of tweaking. I tried to send them our photo booklet via the web but they couldn't handle the technicality of it and they couldn't see it so I had to mail them a CD. I'm very concerned that they won't be able to see the file on the CD either.

The person who is the hiring manager for the job I interviewed for might be quitting.

T is having some crazy shit going on at work with people leaving or thinking about leaving and other chaotic stuff that just make life incredibly difficult.

Did I leave anything out?

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Today was a sad day

I was sad today. I read a few blogs and saw a few successes. I know it's selfish and awful, but seeing other people's successes still makes me sad. I mean, I am happy that people find success. I certainly don't want people to be stuck in this horrible place we all know. But I still find myself feeling jealous and sad when I see someone else reach the goal of parenthood. Also, another one of T's co-workers' wives had a baby today. Sure, it was after 42 hours of labor, which does not make me envious in any way, but this will be about the fifth birth in his department in the last year. These people were married after I'd already had two miscarriages and we found out about T's translocation. They're also more than five years younger than us. I'm just tired of all of this. I'm ready for it to be our turn.

We watched the Patriots game (Tom Brady may have torn his ACL!!!) and watched some of the Sox game. T saw me being sad, so he said we should go out and not sit around being sad. So, we went and got a super yummy crepe and saw Hamlet 2. It helped a lot. That movie was funny! Yes, there was a small theme about, and I quote, "shooting blanks" but if I was able to overlook that part, the movie made me laugh and it was well done. It was totally ridiculous but somehow oddly profound, and I loved the music. I'm glad we got out and were in another place at least for a little while. Restful weekends are good, but it's really bad for me to sit and do nothing for too long because I end up being sad.

I'm doing better now, but it was a sad day. Now I have to go and make another baby hat for yet another office baby. Sigh.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Things that are happening.

I interviewed for a new position in my company today. I really want this job. I answer the phone all day and I'm just ready to move away from the phones and find a new challenge. This job has been great for me. It's been 6 months and I like the company and I just feel ready to grow a little bit. I think the interviews went well, and now it's just a waiting game. I know that several other people are interviewing for the job. They are also internal candidates, so it could be close. I will be very disappointed if I don't get this job, but I am not confident it will be mine. I have a good shot, don't get me wrong. But I don't feel like it's a slam-dunk. I think I did as well as I could, though, so now I just have to wait. I hate to wait.

In other news, I finished my photo album booklet thing for the adoption. I still have to finish up the final version of the Dear Birth Parent letter, but I send my version of the book off to the agency for 'approval' from them. It was a lot easier to make than I thought it would be. It was actually kind of fun in the end. The letter is much more difficult. I only have one or two passes left on that one, but it's not as fun as putting photos together.

The only big thing left on the adoption front is deciding how much exposure to drugs and alcohol is okay. I need to talk to a pediatrician about that, but I haven't had time to make the phone call and I'm really not sure what to say. I think I just want to have a phone call at first, but how do I introduce my situation to the secretary who is going to answer the phone?

"Hi. My name is Rachel and my husband and I are trying to adopt a baby and want to understand more about the effects of drugs and alcohol on a fetus, so we were hoping to talk to the doctor about that."

I dunno. I think that's weird. Maybe it's not.

T and I don't have plans for the weekend, which is great because last weekend was so insane and it's supposed to really rain tomorrow. I'm excited to stay at home, maybe watch some Net.Flix and knit. Then we can watch some football on Sunday. Fall is here, but the weather is really warm so I can't really tell. The traffic is bad again, though, which is always an indication. I like the fall when it gets really cool at night so you can sleep with the windows open and pull up the covers, but during the day it warms up a bit and it's nice to go outside. I love that kind of weather. That means there will be apples soon.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

On Bristol Palin

There have been so many comments and discussion about this young girl's pregnancy, Why should a 17-year-old girl be forced to marry a high school boy who says on his Facebook page that he never wants to have kids? What about their futures?

Does nobody know how many people are waiting to create a family who are ready and more than willing to take on the responsibilities of parenthood?

I just don't get why making an adoption plan doesn't even come up!

Isn't that most likely the best decision for Bristol, for Levi and for the baby?

Monday, September 01, 2008

A long long weekend

We've been full of house guests this week. It's been good, but busy. Jess was in from Wales, my friend Jen needed a place to crash and a little bit of help moving, and we had dinner with my parents both with Jess and E&R with toddler S. It was a crazy long weekend. It was fun, but I'm glad the house guests and plans are coming to an end, though. It's fun to have them, but it's always fun to get the house back.

Tomorrow is our last home study visit. I'm desperately trying to make the house seem as clean as possible. It's clean enough, but I kind of want it to be even cleaner. I also want our yard to look better, but I suck at stuff like that. I'm going to try to force myself to work on it later today as it cools down. I'm 2/3 done with the book for the potential birth parents, and 2/3 done with the Dear Birth Mother letter. I'm feeling pretty good about all that I accomplished (of course, with the help of T). Our home study will be complete soon, and we will be a waiting family.

Kinda freaky. But good.

There is a waiting family support group meeting in the middle of September that I'll want to go to. I think if we're not officially in that stage by that date, we'll be only a week or two away from it.

Then it's going to be time to work on our search. We're going to contract with another agency to do a national search in addition to the local searches that our agency does.

Things are finally coming together.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

On Adoption

There are two women at work that I see regularly who are pregnant. I generally do pretty well around pregnant people -- I just have a twinge of jealousy, a small internal eye-roll and a small amount of panic that they're going to talk about it. I cannot really talk about pregnancy.

But the other day I just had this realization that I really will never, ever be pregnant long enough to give birth to a living baby. This thing that women around the world generally do, I will never do. And I will not be excluded from this thing that women do by choice. I was boxed out of it against my will, despite Herculean efforts.

I know when I have my baby (babies) I will love them more than anything. I know I am emotionally ready to be an adoptive parent. I have never been more sure of anything.

But I just can't believe I will never be part of that club. And it really does make me sad sometimes.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Book started

I finally started to work on the book. I feel like I have a completed draft of the Dear Birth Mother letter and I have about 25 or so pictures in somewhat of a layout for a book. I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for getting all of this down. I'm getting much closer, and I'm trying to keep my "glue it down and move on" motto in the back of my head while doing this. We are going to do the booklet in "landscape" format (which hopefully is okay) because the computer program that I am using won't let me switch the pages around. If this isn't okay, all of my work will be for naught, so I suppose I should check on that. Hm.

It's funny how few pictures we have of the two of us. We have some of one and some of the other, but not a lot of both. I'm going to include a montage of my knitting/crocheting and some pictures of the "baby's room." I have pictures of the house and yard. I suppose we should go to some of the nearby parks and include that in there too.

The captions are really difficult. I want to be informative, but I also want to make sure our personality shows through.

I've also noticed there are more pictures with one of my brother's family than the other. This is probably because we spend more time with one than the other, but I wish I had a couple more of that other side. There are only a few pictures of my nephew and they are only in big groups. He and I are pretty close, so I want to get something in there.

This book is so hard. It feels so inadequate. I feel really accomplished with what I have done, but I just am not feeling too good about all of this working out. Sigh.

Tomorrow's Monday and it's off to work again. I wish I could take a couple days off, but alas that is not in the cards for me. Next week is a long weekend, so maybe that will help a little.

But I did start the booklet, and that is a really, really good thing.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Blogging for the sake of blogging

Thanks for the carpool comments. I think I'm going to do the quiet time thingy. I like carpooling because it's good for the environment. I'll try it for a while longer. Neither of the other carpoolers have cars, which is why I drive all the time, and I don't want a later shift and there is no such thing as an earlier shift, so my hours are my hours. We'll see how it goes. I exchanged 3 sentences with the genius today and didn't get annoyed. If I can keep him quiet enough it might be okay.

There's still a lot going on. My friend Jess is coming from overseas on Wednesday and I need to prepare the bed for her. Then my friend J is staying at my house one night over Labor Day because she is moving and has the out by the 31st/in on the 1st problem. Meantime our last Home Study Visit is Tuesday 9/2 and our yard looks like crap. That probably won't make us fail, but I'd like to have pictures of a nice yard for our book. Maybe we should hire someone. We are not do-it-yourselfers at all. I can do a little bit, but my darling T is really no help at all. He's much more of a pay-someone-to-do-it type.

I wrote my paragraph about T. T has started his paragraph about me, but I need him to finish it. I'll make him do it tonight.

We have plans to see E&R and baby S this weekend so we can take pictures of us with little S so that expectant parents can see us with a kid.

Work's feeling a little tedious this week. There is a lot of moving around going on in my department, so I'm hopeful that this will open up a promotion type position for me.

Our poor girl kitty was feeling ill and went to the vet and is now on antibiotics. She is doing much better now, though. So this is good.

I feel so busy. I know busy is good, but I also feel like I want to slow down a little. I want to take a day off work, but I don't have the vacation time and I requested time off for the Jewish high holy days and I need all my hours for that.

I guess that's about it from here. My mind is spinning.

Monday, August 18, 2008


About a month after I started my job, a woman sent me an email saying she lived in my neighborhood, and it turns out that we live on the same street. She lives on one end, and I live on the other. I casually mentioned that we could carpool. Turns out that her husband uses the car and she took public transportation to work, which took about an hour and a half and cost over $100 per month. She leaped at the chance to carpool with me.

She told me there was a guy who works in her department that she gave rides to the one day a week she sometimes got the car. She asked if I could bring him along as well. Not knowing who he was, I said sure, as long as I didn't have to go out of my way.

Turns out that guy was the annoying guy I had noticed in the hallway before. Not even knowing him, he rubbed me the wrong way. I heard them talking often, and I had always hoped to stay as far away from both of them as possible.

The woman is a little quirky and talks about her kids too much. But I can live with that. The guy (who I have nicknamed "the genius") drives me bat shit. There are not many people that I really actively do not like, but this guy is one of them. Even him being near me bothers me. He just drives me nuts. He has no social skills, he talks too loud, he thinks he knows a lot when actually he knows nothing (hence his nickname) and he is just a generally annoying person. Other people at work feel the same way about him. He's just one of those people that just doesn't get along well with people in general. He's not mean; he's not malicious; he tries to be friendly; it's just that his social overtures do not work. His mother had to take him out of school to home school him because he got to much crap in middle school. Nobody likes him. Including me. I don't wish any ill will toward him. I just want him to stay away from me.

Now I am in the car with them daily. The genius has been working overtime all month in the hopes of having enough money to move. "Great!" I thought. He'll probably move away so I won't have to drive him anymore.

But remember who I am and what kind of luck I have. He saw an apartment this weekend in my neighborhood and it looks like he may move around the corner. I've been able to drop him off about halfway home so that I could have a bit of a ride without him, but if he moves to this apartment I will spent 1-2 hours per day with him in the car.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of this situation. I don't mind sharing the ride and the gas money with that woman most of the time, but I really don't want this guy in my car any more. I haven't said anything to him. I don't know what to say. The woman knows that I don't like him.

I feel so caught. I'm not a mean person. I don't really want to hurt his feelings. I just want my peace and quiet during my commute back. (I can't listen to the news in the car anymore because the genius starts conversations about politics and the news that I don't want to have.) I want to tell him I can't give him a ride any more, but what about the woman?

I took this job to reduce my stress. I didn't know that carpooling would cause this type of stress.

I'm trying to just forget it. "Like water off a duck's back," T tells me. Should I just suck it up and drive him and try to listen to something that keeps him quiet? Can I just find a way to tell him he can't drive with me any more?

I have never felt so stuck over something so seemingly silly.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Show and Tell

This is the lunch I had in Murdo, SD. It was home made ham salad using the leftover ham from the dinner special from the day before. The sour cherry pie was some of the best pie I have ever eaten. The diner was small and family run. Eating there felt like going back in time to when things were slower and life was all right there in your small town. It was delicious. These are the things I'm going to remember from our drive across this country of ours.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Busy again

It's a busy week. Tuesday my friend N came over for dinner. I made pesto from the fresh box of veggies we get each week. It was delicious. Last night I went to a concert with my knitting friend J. The traffic was awful and it took us 3 hours to get there and the headlining band (Radio.head) started before we were able to get there. I have never seen such traffic in my life. It is going to be difficult to get me to go to this concert venue again. Today I am working a late shift so I did get to sleep in after getting home after 1 am. So at least that is good. Then it is Friday and this weekend is our annual trip to the fireworks festival we go to. So excited for that one. We go to the Maple Barn and then we go see fireworks. It's a great day and they are the best fireworks ever.

Today before work, since I don't have to be there until the afternoon, I am dropping a large part of our adoption paperwork off with the agency. Our paperwork is nearly complete. We only have to get T's physical paperwork and it will be done.

But we still have three huge things to do. 1) Fill out the form that talks about race, drug and alcohol use in the birthparents, etc. 2) Dear Birth Mother Letter 3) The Book.

So a lot of the nitpicky stuff is all done, but those three things are the most difficult part. I haven't been working on the m at all lately. I have a draft of the letter and a folder with a bunch of pictures in it. We've been thinking about the categories on the form and we're going to sit with our therapist and talk about it. I need to contact a pediatrician in order to get some real information about the effects of drug and alcohol use on a fetus. All of these things take time (and privacy) and I need to find a way to get moving on them.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Yay weekend

I am so happy that it is the weekend. This weekend our nieces L&E are coming to stay for Saturday night. They're 10 and 11 and we'll take them into the city, probably to Fanueil Hall to go shopping and maybe out to dinner. We just bought a Wii so we hope to set that up for them. They are so excited to come, and we're happy to have them. It should be fun.

I think I've finished a first draft of my Dear Birth Mother letter. We are missing a bit and I'm sure it needs a large amount of tweaking, but it's something. I also have 22 photos for the book. We're supposed to have more like 40, so we have a lot of work to do. We're both pretty camera shy, so we have to break out the camera and start taking pictures of everything.

I have a couple of busy weeks coming up. I'm supposed to set up our appointment for Home Study Visit #3, which should be the final visit. I haven't done that yet. I just sent some emails.

I have to go clean the house a little to get ready for the girls.

I'm just so happy it's the weekend!

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

The support group

Well, I go to make my post today and there on my Dashboard are pictures of three newborn babies, the newest part of the blogger family and all the "buzz" at Blogger. Yay.

It used to be that pictures of newborns made me want to cry. Now seeing pictures like that just makes me roll my eyes. Is that progress? I'm not so sure.

There was only one other couple at the support group plus a social worker / adoptive mom. I guess I really need to bitch about all of this stuff because I definitely felt a little better afterward. We will definitely drag our butts all the way out there again for another one of those. We just discussed all of the issues and got to complain about how much everything sucks and we asked questions of the adoptive mom/social worker.

My new mantra from the support group meeting? "Glue it down and move on."

This is what the woman in the couple told herself after freaking out about which pictures to put in the picture book thingy. I have to take this attitude. I have to have this attitude for both the birthmother letter and the book. I just need to be truthful and choose what I choose and put it down and move on. Glue it down and move on.

I still haven't written any more. But I'm going to. And I think I can look at this with fresh eyes, so the support group was good.

In other news AF is here again. I think about going on the pill again just so I don't have false hope any more. My hope is much smaller than it used to be, and it's not like we're really trying or anything. But I can't help but hope a little. I wonder if that's bad. I wonder if I should just go on the pill so I have no hope at all. Any thoughts on this?

Saturday, August 02, 2008

How to motivate

I'm sitting here at he computer knowing I need to get my ass in gear and work on the dear birth mother letter and our profile book, but I just don't know how to do it. I was thinking about it in the shower and now I'm feeling pretty sad. Since our social worker suggested that I think of it as a way to tell 'our child' his or her birth story I've been trying to determine how to think of that way.

But 'our child' is what's stopping me. How can I possibly imagine actually having an actual child? I cannot. I cannot think that way. So what am I supposed to do? How can I motivate. I am really struggling here.

All I can think of is all of our failure. How can I possibly imagine 'our child' when all we've had is loss? I just didn't think that suggestion was particularly helpful and I need something else to help myself motivate.

I just keep going over and over our story and it makes me so sad. It's amazing how many things we've tried and in how many ways things have gone wrong. I know I'm not supposed to think about it, but I do. Or I did. I was in the shower thinking about it and I went over our whole story again in my head thinking how the social worker would think it might be possible for us to have failure after failure and loss after loss but think about the book as something to share with our child. Clearly she hasn't had the same experiences as us. I believe she has two biological sons and a daughter from China, but I'm not positive.

And the other think I hate about it is that what these things are are marketing tools for T and me as a couple. I hate marketing. I think marketing is the cause of everything that is wrong with this country and I don't like anything that has to do with it. So I'm not very happy to have to market myself to someone -- especially someone who has to do something as difficult as create an adoption plan for her child.

I'm feeling so negative about this right now. How is this not awful?

Anyway, I guess I'll stop complaining and try writing. I think just getting all of this negativity out here might help me be able to work on the other things. So the blog might be even more negative than usual (if you can imagine such a thing) so I can vent and let all of the negativity out in order to enable me to work on these documents.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Home Study Visit #2

The second visit was better. I didn't cry afterward.

The social worker told T that I was "cute and endearing." I guess that's a good thing.

She asked about the neighborhood. There are pit bulls across the street which made her seem a bit skeptical, which freaked me out a little. (We had the meeting at our house for convenience sake.) But the pit bulls are generally under control and always behind a fence, so I guess that was okay.

She asked about my childhood. I had a ridiculously happy, suburban childhood so I didn't feel like there was much to talk about. I was a good kid. I didn't get into much trouble. I did well in school. Of course I rebelled against my parents, but I was and still am generally a goody-goody and I said so. I didn't get punished much because I was good. My punishments when I was a kid taught me to be a good teenager and adult. My parents instilled strong values in me and I think I am a good person because of how they raised me. I just feel like there's not much to say there.

We talked about the letter and the book some more. I told her that doing these things made me sad. She told me to try to get a new point of view with it -- that this would be a book we could show our child to help tell his/her birth story. But the fact that we will get an actual child out of this is not something I can even begin to fathom, so it's difficult for me to think about it that way. But I'm going to try.

She's going to try to hook me up with other waiting families. I am also having T come with me to a waiting families support group after work next week (even though it's kind of far) because I just need to find some other people doing this adoption thing.

I got a survey from the cryobank asking why we haven't ordered a vial in a while. I told them we were on hold due to pursuing adoption. I guess we're not the only ones who are doing that, even though it seems like it sometimes.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Status Quo

Things are generally the same. I spent time with my friend E and her son S on Sunday. E and I were pregnant at the same time way back in the day and now she has S. He is two. She also recently had a third miscarriage trying for a second child. We talked about that a little bit -- how much it just sucks, but how having S helps her so much.

S is a delight. He's a wonderful kid and was so happy to see me and spend time together. We ran through the sprinkler and kicked the ball and splashed in the bucket. He's really talking well now and can communicate what he wants and doesn't want quite well. I was struck with how tall he has gotten since I've seen him last. He's also the spitting image of his father, which is a slight kick in the gut for me.

It made me much less sad than I thought I would be to hang out. It does hurt a little to see what we're missing -- toddlers can be so great. But I really did okay with the visit, and that made me pretty proud of myself.

We told my brother and SIL (and their kids) that we have submitted an adoption application. They weren't surprised at all. The kids were a little excited. It seems weird that they weren't surprised, but I guess that is to be expected. They knew we had trouble. They knew we wanted kids. They knew about the DIs. Since none of it worked, it is the logical next step.

Tomorrow we are having our individual visits with the social worker for our home study. We haven't done any work at all on our Dear Birth Parent letter or our book that we have to make. I am trying to collect pictures for the book so that I can be choosy about which ones I put in there, so I suppose that's something. We really need to sit and work on it, but doing so is incredibly depressing and I don't know how we can motivate ourselves to work on this very important but very difficult thing. Getting T to write his autobiography was like pulling teeth. I suppose I can do most of the meaty work for this stuff and have him approve and proof read and edit. So I need to get off my ass.

I've been so busy trying not to be sad, and doing a reasonably good job of it, that I find it really difficult to take care of this stuff. But I guess I just need to get a draft out of me and give it to someone who can help us tweak it.

Things are as they are. Work is fine. T's work is busy and a bit difficult. People are pregnant and having babies all over the place. We are still here.

Saturday, July 26, 2008


One of the cats T grew up with who was living with T's mom died today. Goodbye Whisper. Whisper was always a sickly cat, but he kept MIL company. Since T's dad died, MIL has lived alone on the other side of the country and at least we knew that Whisper kept her company. Now Whisper is gone and T feels like she has no connections left in Oregon. He is worried that with his dad gone and Whisper gone that MIL will not have the will to live much longer.

MIL is in reasonably good health and is a stubborn farm girl, and I don't think this is the case. That being said, I do worry a lot about her living alone on the other side of the country with only a few friends.

But out here she would have no friends at all. And we don't know how she could afford to live if we moved her out here.

But these are worries for a different day. Today we mourn Whisper who died on his own at the Vet's while waiting to be put down. He always did want to do things his own way, that Whisper. And he did it to the last. He lived a long life and was a good cat. He didn't suffer and he spent his last days at home with MIL in comfort.

Take care, Whisper.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


Last night my friend came to talk to me. She had been acting a little funny and had said via email that she wanted to talk to me about something. I didn't have any idea what it was. I was a little nervous.

She told me that she was disappointed with me and that she feels like I haven't been a good friend lately. Right before I left on my vacation a friend of hers died, and she has been feeling down and I haven't asked about how she was doing.

I can't say she's wrong. Between the application and the vacation and getting the car fixed and coming back and starting the homestudy, I have been neglecting her. I hadn't thought about it much which is probably pretty selfish.

But I have communicated with her via email and I have asked if everything is okay. She didn't mention one word about being upset with me or needing some support or saying she was having a difficult time because of her friend's death. I am the type of person who believes in just telling people what I need. She is the type of person who wants other people to anticipate her needs.

This really frustrates me. How can you expect people to know what you need without telling them? I know this about her, but in my own madness and chaos I kind of forgot about her. I admit that. It's pretty crappy. But a small email saying that she was having a difficult time would have snapped me out of it. I just don't think that's too much to ask.

And the part that really bugs me is she started out talking about the 'pain olympics' and how my pain wins. To me, this situation has nothing to do with that. Yes, I am protective of myself and I fear pregnancy announcements. Yes, I am busy with all of this emotional crap and paperwork and I've been tending to keep to myself. But if she had told me she was hurting and sad over her friend's death, I wouldn't have said, "Oh yeah? I'm too busy being in pain myself that I can't comfort you right now." This pain olympics statement makes me feel like that is what she thinks. It's so not true.

Does this mean that is how she thinks? I'm not sure.

I'm going to try to be a better friend and remember to ask how she's doing. I'm going to try to remember that she's sensitive about how she is being asked how she's doing.

But I just can't seem to let this 'pain olympics' thing go. I think it's a bad idea to bring it up with her. I'm trying to make some plans to hang out with her, so we'll see how it goes and whether it comes up. I'm going to try like hell to not talk about it, but as I said, I'm definitely a 'put it all out there' kind of person.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Slow Weekend

It's funny how staying at home makes both T and I sad and depressed a lot of the time. We're not sure what it is about being home that makes us sad, but we both do decidedly better if we're out and about rather than relaxing at home.

T and I were watching the baseball game and while I was doing some laundry the play by play people mentioned that the wife of one of the players on the opposing team had just had a baby the night before. They both went on to talk about fatherhood and how great it was and what a miracle it is and how special it is for people who are lucky enough to be fathers to have that incredible experience.

Poor T. It just put him in a really deep funk and he couldn't pull out of it. I don't blame him. It seems that no matter what we do to try to get away from our situation, there is always something there to remind us.

Hell.Boy kind of sucked. It had some potential, but it didn't go deeply enough into the story and it lacked a lot of nuance. We were disappointed because we loved the first one and we had enjoyed another movie by the director of the second one. And, of course, one of the characters found out she was pregnant. Hurray! We can't even go see some comic book fantasy or watch our local baseball team without having pregnancy and parenthood shoved down our throats.

He dreamed last night that the wife of one of his colleagues had her baby (she is due any day now) and it had a heart defect and it had to have an operation and it died.

This morning I decided we should get out of the house. We decided to go to a coffee house near us and drink coffee and read (and knit). We both love to do this. So, as T got into the shower I hear another piece on the radio about how this guy was a total fuck-up until he had a son and the responsibility of fatherhood was so life changing and profound that he fixed his life up and he got his GED and now is in college and has turned his life around. I was so glad T was in the shower and didn't hear that because it would have sent him back into his funk.

We try to keep ourselves busy. We try to do things like watch sports and go to the movies and listen to the radio to keep ourselves distracted. But because family and having children is such a natural part of life, it is pervasive. We see it everywhere. We can't escape it.

How can we relax, enjoy and just let ourselves try to forget our situation while it is always being brought up everywhere?

I know all people who suffer from IF feel this way on a regular basis. The fertile world is just constantly smacking you across the face.

So next weekend I have to remember that going to the coffee shop and drinking a coffee and reading and knitting is the best thing to do for us. Seeing the children there doesn't feel too bad. Finding distraction elsewhere seems like it can just be too dangerous.

But we must distract ourselves, mustn't we?

Friday, July 18, 2008

Lonely again

I'm feeling lonely. I'm feeling a little less sad, but I'm feeling very lonely.

I want to find a support group. An online one would be fine. An in person one would be any better. I want to find other people like me. I'm feeling like I can't.

I used to take such comfort in the online infertility world. There were so many people going through similar things as me and I found solace in the shared experience.

But I'm finding more and more that I can't identify with anybody's blogs. Most of the adoption blogs I have found either have a baby already or already have a child or are concurrently doing IF stuff. Usually it seems to be IUIs with clomid or perhaps injectibles. They certainly haven't have multiple losses and multiple failed IVFs and multiple failed donor IUIs and a miscarriage using donor gametes.

And that's the thing. I just feel like we've failed so spectacularly. We've failed so many different things. I want to meet other people who have failed at so many different things like we have, but frankly it's difficult. I can find other people who have suffered great IF losses. I see people with late term losses and still births. I see people with multiple failed IVFs. I see people needing multiple types of treatment and using donor gametes. What I don't see is people failing at things across the board. I guess I think that people's failures tend to be more concentrated, I guess.

I don't know. Maybe it's selfish that I feel lonely. Maybe I'm just too busy feeling sorry for myself to accept that suffering is suffering and that all these women share my pain. And I know that these people share my pain. I really do. But I just want to find some other spectacular failures. I don't know why I feel like I need this solace, but I feel like I do.

I wrote this yesterday when I was feeling more lonely. I'm not feeling this down right now. T and I are going to see Hell.Boy and eat some food. I'm decidedly looking forward to the A/C and the entertainment. It's hot here again.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Home Study Visit #1

I cried. During and after.

I feel so empty and alone. And I don't feel one bit of hope at this point. Even though intellectually I know it will work out in the end, I cannot bring myself to truly believe that will happen. And we have been warned and know that it will take a long time, so I have to steel myself for that wait. It will most likely take more than a year. Probably closer to a year and a half. A year and a half ago I thought that IVF with PGD would work for us. A year and a half is a damn long time.

The interview was informal and went generally well. She could see my sadness and I couldn't keep it in. She said that she could tell we weren't feeling hopeful. I hope that's not bad.

I know we are moving forward. I know that we will write a dear birthparent letter and make a book and it will be shown to people and some day, someone will choose us to parent the child that they created.

But it doesn't feel real. The concept that this possibility exists doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't make me feel like I might be a mom someday.

I only feel pain and failure and misery. I just feel like I've missed out on what so many people take for granted. I see only empty time left where we wait and wait and wait some more.

Haven't we already done this? Yes, there were differences. I do not have to inject myself with hormones or spread my legs for some doctor or midwife. But it's still all of this fake "trying" while nothing happens and we just get disappointed.

Why, why, why do we have to do it again?