Thursday, August 16, 2007

Still waiting

Today is 5 dpo. Every time I pee, I feel myself up to see if my b00bs hurt. They don't. I know that doesn't mean anything, but I want them to hurt. Still temping, but that doesn't tell me anything either. I just need to wait. Waiting sucks.

Had a lovely dinner with a fellow BT-er. It's so nice to be able to sit and talk about all of this stuff frankly, without worrying about boring the other person with infertility stories. I was telling her that in the throes of my whirlwind IVF cycles, I truly had nothing to say to fertiles with kids or friends who have chosen childlessness. I couldn't talk about anything other than my cycle.

Now it seems I can't tire of telling my story. Our story. It's definitely a story of both T and me, but I'm the sharer in the family. I just want to tell it to anyone and everyone. I'm not sure why it's so cathartic to share my story. I mean, it clearly works for me, which is why I have this blog. But when someone emails me out of the blue, or if I email someone and they respond, somewhere in that communication is this story.

I wonder if this is the story we will share with our child. I mean, in the beginning it will need some amending. We don't need to include all of the heartbreak. The heartbreak will not be there for our child. Her life will simply be her life, and we want her to to be proud of that life and have no shame in it. So, we're going to have to learn how to frame this story so that it has less heartbreak and more happiness.

I'm sure that will be much easier when we have an actual, real live baby around. It's pretty difficult to imagine right now.

Hopefully, I only have one more week at work. There is a chance that I will have to go in for a couple of more days after that, but I'm hopeful that I can wrap everything up by next week. We shall see. I am so thankful that I quit this job. People at work have been telling me that I look much happier now that I gave my notice. So, it must have been the right decision. Tomorrow I have an interview with a temp agency and an interview with a recruiter for a specific job. All good.


My Reality said...

As an adoptee, my parents had the stories of heartbreak before I came along. I understood that there was heartbreak and they made me always believe that their struggle to have children only made me that much more cherished. I guess going through my own struggles have made me understand and appreciate those struggles even more.

You children will know how very much they are loved and wanted. They will take what they want from their story and focus on the positives - being a cherished, wanted, loved child.

Trace said...

Since we have opted to only tell our closest friends and my parents I am constantly biting my tongue. It is driving me nuts to not talk about the BIGGEST thing in my life.

I am in total agreement about it being about both of you. We had that discussion, but Sweetness thinks that being pregnant is all about the woman. He uses a wedding as a comparision...all about the bride and oh yeah the guy she's marrying, but doesn't she look beautiful. For example, I told Sweetness that when/if we finally have a baby I want to have a BIG party! I don't want an all female baby shower because this is a shared journey. He's not quite as sold on the idea.

We too have been having discussions about how to share w/the potential wee one.

Good luck w/everything. Your insemination will be happening soon!!!

Reproductive Jeans said...

Been thinking about you--I know the 2ww is tough! And I know what a mind struggle it must be to figure out the right steps in all this...and like Reality said, I have no doubt your children will know and appreciate how much you love them and want them in your lives.

Sara said...

I'm so glad that you're soon going to be out of that awful job situation.

It's great that you have a friend dealing with a BT too, so you can just talk about it without explaining constantly. That's something really special.

Good luck surviving the next week or so until test day!