Over the long weekend T and I implemented a new chart system for Henry and it started off really well. His behavior got SO MUCH better. It's only been a couple of days and we've had some rocky times, but we are going to continue with this new system.
Henry is very difficult to motivate. Sometimes he cares about pleasing and about getting stickers, but sometimes he truly does not. This makes consistency difficult.
T also made me find a new therapist. I loved my old therapist but I think it's time for me to find a new one. I haven't seen the old one for a while and I love her and would recommend her to anyone and everyone, I just feel the need to move on. I found a new one and she had a cancellation today. I will be leaving to meet her shortly.
We have an appointment with an RE on Friday to talk about a donor embryo cycle. I guess I need to find some donor embryos. I guess we might try this? I haven't really done much about searching for embryos yet. I suppose I will figure it out next week after this appointment.
I really miss my dog. A lot. I think having a baby would have distracted me more from the dog being gone, but since there is no baby and there is no dog, I am lonely. Henry is going to school during the summer part time and I am here, trying to get things done, alone in my house.
I feel empty inside.
I am getting through my days and getting things done. I talk to people and I act fine. But when I am alone in my house or in my bed trying to sleep, all I can do is cry.
I hope I can find some comfort somewhere.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, July 08, 2013
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
more fun with a miscarriage
Still bleeding. Last night was a particularly crampy one. Not fun. Took some ibuprophen and sat with the heating pad. Then I went to sleep. I feel much better this morning. B00bs don't really hurt any more. All of this points toward a pretty low number tomorrow, so that's good. After my blood test I'm going to spend the day with my parents. They are leaving for Florida in a couple of weeks, so they're happy I'm going to stop by.
I have therapy today. I guess that's a good thing. There is a RESOLVE support group tonight that I sort of feel like going to, but also don't. I mean, I'd like to go to a support group, but that one is usually full of newbies, and I just don't feel like being the veteran bitter person in a group of wide-eyed hopeful newbies. I don't want to receive that, "Oh my god, that is so awful I'm terrified of her bad luck," look from people. I wish there were a veterans group. There is an occasional miscarriage support group, but I think the same issue would exist there.
We're also looking into finally going to some adoption information seminars. We need to get more information on how it works. Luckily my therapist knows a lot about that, too. So, we shall see.
Still feeling lame and self pity-ing. I hate this person I have become in some ways, but I just don't feel ready to pull myself out of it. I need to wallow a little bit longer. Somehow I will find a way to be strong again, but I guess I'm just not ready yet.
I have therapy today. I guess that's a good thing. There is a RESOLVE support group tonight that I sort of feel like going to, but also don't. I mean, I'd like to go to a support group, but that one is usually full of newbies, and I just don't feel like being the veteran bitter person in a group of wide-eyed hopeful newbies. I don't want to receive that, "Oh my god, that is so awful I'm terrified of her bad luck," look from people. I wish there were a veterans group. There is an occasional miscarriage support group, but I think the same issue would exist there.
We're also looking into finally going to some adoption information seminars. We need to get more information on how it works. Luckily my therapist knows a lot about that, too. So, we shall see.
Still feeling lame and self pity-ing. I hate this person I have become in some ways, but I just don't feel ready to pull myself out of it. I need to wallow a little bit longer. Somehow I will find a way to be strong again, but I guess I'm just not ready yet.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Here
I've been feeling pretty down lately. The bleeding started, but it seems kind of light, so I'm worried it isn't enough. I have another blood draw on Wednesday, so I'll know more then. I am just worried that it's going to take months for my hcg levels to go down below 5. I know I said that I sort of needed a break from all this ttc stuff, but this isn't how I pictured that break. I'll see how the bleeding goes over the next couple of days.
I'm starting to really think about adoption a lot. I am very close to saying FUCK THIS to the ART roller coaster and just sucking it up and going in to debt to do domestic adoption. I can't get past the infant thing -- I still want a newborn baby. And I still have mixed feelings about interracial adoption. I don't think interracial adoption is wrong. I definitely think it is a great thing for people who want it. I'm just not sure that's what I (or we) want. Between having interfaith parents and being adopted, how many more layers of complication can I handle layering on our child? I haven't completely ruled it out, but I still think I want a baby where, when we walk down the street, people won't necessarily know our family history without ever speaking to us. Sometimes I feel that's selfish, but I guess having a baby at all is selfish, so I am entitled to a last vestige of selfishness in what has turned into a long, horrible and painful process.
I had a really great job interview on Thursday. The job itself isn't that exciting, but it is a great company that is growing rapidly, and they do a lot of promotion from within starting in the department where I would work. The woman in HR gave me very positive vibes. I would have our old heath insurance again starting on my first day of work, so I think if I'm offered this job I will take it. It is a job that involves telephone support, so I am a bit worried about doctors appointments, etc, but I really need a job and I really need insurance, so I can't picture myself turning it down. They also have some sort of adoption benefit, though I'm not exactly sure of the details.
Tonight I am hanging out with E for a girls' night out. She's leaving baby S home with R. We went to their house for New Years and it was fine, but I'm really having a difficult time doing anything but feel sorry for myself lately, so I hope I don't act like an ass. I am thinking about Samantha's resolution to act with grace and poise this year. I admire her courage to do so. Maybe soon I can be in a place where I can try to do that, but right now I'm kind of wallowing in the depths of my own hell.
I'm starting to really think about adoption a lot. I am very close to saying FUCK THIS to the ART roller coaster and just sucking it up and going in to debt to do domestic adoption. I can't get past the infant thing -- I still want a newborn baby. And I still have mixed feelings about interracial adoption. I don't think interracial adoption is wrong. I definitely think it is a great thing for people who want it. I'm just not sure that's what I (or we) want. Between having interfaith parents and being adopted, how many more layers of complication can I handle layering on our child? I haven't completely ruled it out, but I still think I want a baby where, when we walk down the street, people won't necessarily know our family history without ever speaking to us. Sometimes I feel that's selfish, but I guess having a baby at all is selfish, so I am entitled to a last vestige of selfishness in what has turned into a long, horrible and painful process.
I had a really great job interview on Thursday. The job itself isn't that exciting, but it is a great company that is growing rapidly, and they do a lot of promotion from within starting in the department where I would work. The woman in HR gave me very positive vibes. I would have our old heath insurance again starting on my first day of work, so I think if I'm offered this job I will take it. It is a job that involves telephone support, so I am a bit worried about doctors appointments, etc, but I really need a job and I really need insurance, so I can't picture myself turning it down. They also have some sort of adoption benefit, though I'm not exactly sure of the details.
Tonight I am hanging out with E for a girls' night out. She's leaving baby S home with R. We went to their house for New Years and it was fine, but I'm really having a difficult time doing anything but feel sorry for myself lately, so I hope I don't act like an ass. I am thinking about Samantha's resolution to act with grace and poise this year. I admire her courage to do so. Maybe soon I can be in a place where I can try to do that, but right now I'm kind of wallowing in the depths of my own hell.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
It went up
My hcg level this time was 144. It went up a little. No wonder my b00bs still hurt. This just sucks. I asked the nurse to ask the doctor if there was anything we could do to speed this along. I want this miscarriage to be over by the time I get to Las Vegas.
I'm feeling pretty empty. Usually I find solace in my knitting, but it doesn't seem to be doing much for me right now. I mean, I enjoy it and I keep making things, but I just don't feel fulfilled. I just feel like there is an empty pit in the middle of my body.
Maybe part of the reason is because I'm not working. I may have a job starting next Monday, but they have to see if they can make it so that it's not a problem that I'm not coming in the week we're going to Vegas. I do hope the job works out, though. I'm nervous about working full time again, but I think it's better to be busy and to have somewhere to go where I'm doing things than it is to make myself busy at home. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty I could do while I'm at home, but my motivation is pretty limited. And though I take care of some things, I'm not doing all I could do. I just find it really hard to reach inside myself and take care of big projects.
I hope I can get some sort of pill and empty out my uterus. This limbo is the worst.
I'm feeling pretty empty. Usually I find solace in my knitting, but it doesn't seem to be doing much for me right now. I mean, I enjoy it and I keep making things, but I just don't feel fulfilled. I just feel like there is an empty pit in the middle of my body.
Maybe part of the reason is because I'm not working. I may have a job starting next Monday, but they have to see if they can make it so that it's not a problem that I'm not coming in the week we're going to Vegas. I do hope the job works out, though. I'm nervous about working full time again, but I think it's better to be busy and to have somewhere to go where I'm doing things than it is to make myself busy at home. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty I could do while I'm at home, but my motivation is pretty limited. And though I take care of some things, I'm not doing all I could do. I just find it really hard to reach inside myself and take care of big projects.
I hope I can get some sort of pill and empty out my uterus. This limbo is the worst.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Nothing yet
I'm not bleeding yet and my b00bs still hurt. I've been sleeping 9 hours per night or more lately. This really sucks. I have another blood test on Wednesday. I don't know how long this is going to take. It seems like an eternity.
Last year around this time we went to Mexico with T's office and I had a miscarriage while there. This year the trip is to Las Vegas. We leave on the 12th. I was hoping to be done with this miscarriage by then. I realize it's still a couple weeks away, but I'm starting to worry that I'm going to be bleeding for this trip as well. I really hate these trips now, as every time I've gone on one it's been associated with a miscarriage. At least it's the last year they're doing these trips so we won't be having another miscarriage, I mean trip, at this time next year.
I read or hear that many people are glad that 2007 is over and that a new year is starting and that it will hopefully be better. I wish I could be this optimistic. All I see with the changing of years is the passing of time. More time has passed and it seems like I'm even further from all of my goals than I ever have been. I have no job, I'm not interested in any particular vocation and I'm still not any closer to having a baby.
I started and finished this year with a miscarriage. But the year itself doesn't have much meaning for me. I've always found NYE to be pretty arbitrary and I don't enjoy the countdown or any of that silly stuff. We are going to have dinner with E&R and see baby S. I believe we spend last NYE with them. I'm feeling a little ambivalent about it, but I'm doing it anyway. Mailing off the bunny I crocheted for a cousin's baby shower made me sadder than I feel I will be tonight. But I didn't want to stay home and I want to stay friends with them despite what is happening.
I'm still feeling pretty sad and angry. I'm starting to worry that I have a progesterone deficiency, or perhaps a clotting issue. I have a phone appointment with my RE on the fourteenth. I will ask if I was tested for any of these things. I know this probably just happened and there's probably no real reason for it. With the low number to begin with, it seems likely it wasn't viable to begin with, even with the initial doubling that did happen. Maybe I'm just paranoid.
I just don't know what to do with myself until March. Actually, I'm slightly contemplating another Cl0mid cycle so I only have to wait two months before cycling again. I'm also thinking that it's stupid to do that and I should just wait the extra four damn weeks and do the injectables.
Stop this roller coaster! I want to get off!
Oh yeah. And have a happy new year, for whatever that's worth.
Last year around this time we went to Mexico with T's office and I had a miscarriage while there. This year the trip is to Las Vegas. We leave on the 12th. I was hoping to be done with this miscarriage by then. I realize it's still a couple weeks away, but I'm starting to worry that I'm going to be bleeding for this trip as well. I really hate these trips now, as every time I've gone on one it's been associated with a miscarriage. At least it's the last year they're doing these trips so we won't be having another miscarriage, I mean trip, at this time next year.
I read or hear that many people are glad that 2007 is over and that a new year is starting and that it will hopefully be better. I wish I could be this optimistic. All I see with the changing of years is the passing of time. More time has passed and it seems like I'm even further from all of my goals than I ever have been. I have no job, I'm not interested in any particular vocation and I'm still not any closer to having a baby.
I started and finished this year with a miscarriage. But the year itself doesn't have much meaning for me. I've always found NYE to be pretty arbitrary and I don't enjoy the countdown or any of that silly stuff. We are going to have dinner with E&R and see baby S. I believe we spend last NYE with them. I'm feeling a little ambivalent about it, but I'm doing it anyway. Mailing off the bunny I crocheted for a cousin's baby shower made me sadder than I feel I will be tonight. But I didn't want to stay home and I want to stay friends with them despite what is happening.
I'm still feeling pretty sad and angry. I'm starting to worry that I have a progesterone deficiency, or perhaps a clotting issue. I have a phone appointment with my RE on the fourteenth. I will ask if I was tested for any of these things. I know this probably just happened and there's probably no real reason for it. With the low number to begin with, it seems likely it wasn't viable to begin with, even with the initial doubling that did happen. Maybe I'm just paranoid.
I just don't know what to do with myself until March. Actually, I'm slightly contemplating another Cl0mid cycle so I only have to wait two months before cycling again. I'm also thinking that it's stupid to do that and I should just wait the extra four damn weeks and do the injectables.
Stop this roller coaster! I want to get off!
Oh yeah. And have a happy new year, for whatever that's worth.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Xmas
Still no bleeding.
My MIL has kind of stopped cleaning things. We drove her around last night looking at Christmas lights and playing Christmas carols in the car. She seemed to really enjoy that.
My parents and one brother's family are coming over for dinner today. It should be yummy, and I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to have someone else around aside from just MIL. She is a lovely person and wants the best for T and me, but it's just tough to have her living here. She really drives me a bit nuts. She drives T a little nuts too, but he is much more used to her than I am. She is just opposite how my family is and that makes her a little hard to understand and relate to. I see ways that T is like her, but mostly he seems really different than her. I just don't get it. I feel like I am much more like my parents that T is like his. Having never met his dad (he died before we met) I guess I only know 50%, but still. I think in some ways he strives to be different.
She's obsessed with FlyLady and is constantly telling us how we have a 'hotspot' there and need to do something here to clean up our house. Personally, I've been too emotionally (and physically) exhausted lately to care about cleaning. I've tried to tell her that, but she thinks she's being helpful by giving us 'pointers.' She once told us she and her husband tried for 7 years to have a baby and she had just about given up by the time she got pregnant with T. I don't get any inkling that she remembers the pain of that time. I can't imagine it didn't hurt her to think that she would never have a baby, but she doesn't seem to have any recollection of how it affected her life. Maybe it was too long ago to remember. Or maybe it was different before all of this technology we have know. We know so much more about things these days. Maybe it's because she grew up as a toughened farm girl, and she is just incredibly stoic. I know she's sorry about our troubles, but I wish she could just let some of this stuff go.
Tomorrow is the big blood test. I'm trying hard not to hold out any hope, as I thing there isn't much hope there, but I still can't help hoping a little. My b00bs still hurt and as I said there has still been no bleeding. But I know the chances of this ending well is so, so slim. I have been looking at betabase and there have only been a handful of heartbeats with levels like mine. People's hcg at 16 dpo are generally 100 points higher than mine was at 20.
I just don't understand why this has to be so difficult for us. There are others I see online who have been through so, so much as well and it breaks my heart. But I'm at the point where I'm getting jealous of people whose second or third IVFs seem to work. That just seems like such a cake walk to me at this point, even though I know even getting to that place where you need to do IVF is so difficult. I understand that the pain of infertility is strong and is there for everyone. I am just so angry and bitter that I most likely am having my fourth pregnancy loss, even after doing 3 unsuccessful IVF procedures and deciding to sacrifice my husband's genetic connection to our child. I mean, what the hell? This most recent IUI being a flat out failure would have been so much easier than this.
I guess we'll know more on Wednesday.
Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. And peace to everyone.
My MIL has kind of stopped cleaning things. We drove her around last night looking at Christmas lights and playing Christmas carols in the car. She seemed to really enjoy that.
My parents and one brother's family are coming over for dinner today. It should be yummy, and I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to have someone else around aside from just MIL. She is a lovely person and wants the best for T and me, but it's just tough to have her living here. She really drives me a bit nuts. She drives T a little nuts too, but he is much more used to her than I am. She is just opposite how my family is and that makes her a little hard to understand and relate to. I see ways that T is like her, but mostly he seems really different than her. I just don't get it. I feel like I am much more like my parents that T is like his. Having never met his dad (he died before we met) I guess I only know 50%, but still. I think in some ways he strives to be different.
She's obsessed with FlyLady and is constantly telling us how we have a 'hotspot' there and need to do something here to clean up our house. Personally, I've been too emotionally (and physically) exhausted lately to care about cleaning. I've tried to tell her that, but she thinks she's being helpful by giving us 'pointers.' She once told us she and her husband tried for 7 years to have a baby and she had just about given up by the time she got pregnant with T. I don't get any inkling that she remembers the pain of that time. I can't imagine it didn't hurt her to think that she would never have a baby, but she doesn't seem to have any recollection of how it affected her life. Maybe it was too long ago to remember. Or maybe it was different before all of this technology we have know. We know so much more about things these days. Maybe it's because she grew up as a toughened farm girl, and she is just incredibly stoic. I know she's sorry about our troubles, but I wish she could just let some of this stuff go.
Tomorrow is the big blood test. I'm trying hard not to hold out any hope, as I thing there isn't much hope there, but I still can't help hoping a little. My b00bs still hurt and as I said there has still been no bleeding. But I know the chances of this ending well is so, so slim. I have been looking at betabase and there have only been a handful of heartbeats with levels like mine. People's hcg at 16 dpo are generally 100 points higher than mine was at 20.
I just don't understand why this has to be so difficult for us. There are others I see online who have been through so, so much as well and it breaks my heart. But I'm at the point where I'm getting jealous of people whose second or third IVFs seem to work. That just seems like such a cake walk to me at this point, even though I know even getting to that place where you need to do IVF is so difficult. I understand that the pain of infertility is strong and is there for everyone. I am just so angry and bitter that I most likely am having my fourth pregnancy loss, even after doing 3 unsuccessful IVF procedures and deciding to sacrifice my husband's genetic connection to our child. I mean, what the hell? This most recent IUI being a flat out failure would have been so much easier than this.
I guess we'll know more on Wednesday.
Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. And peace to everyone.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Let the obsessing begin
I've reached the point in the cycle of obsessing. I'm feeling myself up a lot. I'm slightly tender, but nothing to write home about. It is only 8 days post IUI, so it's early yet. Last cycle on this day my b00bs were incredibly sore -- hugely so. But the soreness got less and less after that day, so we'll see if that's what happens this time, too. I'm thinking of doing the POAS thing tomorrow, even though it's really early. I'm also thinking about not doing it tomorrow and waiting until Tuesday. We'll see how much will power I have. Buying internet cheapies really reduces my willpower, though. It's just the prospect of one line holding me back.
I'm really worried that this cycle didn't work and I'm going to have to go on the pill and wait for at least a month before trying again. I know I said we were planning some time off anyway, but I haven't had a cycle off in a really, really long time. I'm just not sure how not cycling is going to sit with me. But I guess, for now, all I can do is just wait and see. T is constantly telling me that I have no control over it and to just let it go. But of course, we all know how impossible that is.
I really have no inkling as to whether or not this cycle worked. I can make myself believe I'm pregnant very easily, but I force myself to stop in order to lessen the disappointment if I'm not. But of course, this is futile too. I will be very upset, if not surprised, if I am not pregnant.
Another person in T's office has delivered a baby -- one that was conceived well after our last pregnancy ended. I'm so tired of this. So tired.
I'm really worried that this cycle didn't work and I'm going to have to go on the pill and wait for at least a month before trying again. I know I said we were planning some time off anyway, but I haven't had a cycle off in a really, really long time. I'm just not sure how not cycling is going to sit with me. But I guess, for now, all I can do is just wait and see. T is constantly telling me that I have no control over it and to just let it go. But of course, we all know how impossible that is.
I really have no inkling as to whether or not this cycle worked. I can make myself believe I'm pregnant very easily, but I force myself to stop in order to lessen the disappointment if I'm not. But of course, this is futile too. I will be very upset, if not surprised, if I am not pregnant.
Another person in T's office has delivered a baby -- one that was conceived well after our last pregnancy ended. I'm so tired of this. So tired.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
What is, and what I hope will be
I kept thinking how I would word the blog post that my negative was just an early false negative and that -- surprise, surprise -- I'm actually pregnant. I couldn't believe that this process wouldn't work for us yet again. When I woke up this morning, I contemplated taking another hpt, but I wasn't ready to see one line again. My bbt had dropped by a few points, and that was enough of a sign for me. And yet, here I am, still thinking that maybe it has just dipped, and if tomorrow my bbt is up, I will certainly pee on another stick. Is this a sickness? Have I lost all signs of sanity? Is it possible to go about normally in a normal world when this is how you think? Intellectually, I know that I am not pregnant. It's just, without any signs of bleeding or a blood test, I cannot completely let go. Why can I not let go?
I am thinking about letting go a lot. When is it time to let go of this quest to be pregnant and birth a live child? How much emotional energy must we spend? When do I know it is time to move on?
I am not ready to move on now. I'm giving myself about 6 more months. But in 6 months, I'm not sure I'll be able to do this any more.
I think about adoption all the time. Right now, I am too angry at the world to pursue it. Why should we have to spend our entire life savings to get what people make accidentally? Why, in order to save some money, do I have to not be able to raise my child from infancy? Why, when we got pregnant three times without any trouble can I not get pregnant now?
I have grieved infertility from the male side, but I guess I haven't grieved my side of it yet. It's funny, it's not the genetics that are getting me. It's the experience of seeing a child grow from nothing into something ready to exist outside its mother's body, to welcoming it to the world. I want to be part of that, and I'm not ready to give that up.
This is how I know that we will find some way to try IVF with the few eggs we get from me when we do IVF. Without the 1 in 10 chance of the translocation, it's possible that our few embryos will work. If that fails, maybe the expense of donor embryo is worth it for us, even if it's spending money for only a chance at something.
All of this is so damn hard. I can't believe that all of this shit has happened to us. The unfairness of it all overwhelms me.
Meanwhile, I'm still trying to make myself believe that I'm truly and honestly not pregnant.
I am thinking about letting go a lot. When is it time to let go of this quest to be pregnant and birth a live child? How much emotional energy must we spend? When do I know it is time to move on?
I am not ready to move on now. I'm giving myself about 6 more months. But in 6 months, I'm not sure I'll be able to do this any more.
I think about adoption all the time. Right now, I am too angry at the world to pursue it. Why should we have to spend our entire life savings to get what people make accidentally? Why, in order to save some money, do I have to not be able to raise my child from infancy? Why, when we got pregnant three times without any trouble can I not get pregnant now?
I have grieved infertility from the male side, but I guess I haven't grieved my side of it yet. It's funny, it's not the genetics that are getting me. It's the experience of seeing a child grow from nothing into something ready to exist outside its mother's body, to welcoming it to the world. I want to be part of that, and I'm not ready to give that up.
This is how I know that we will find some way to try IVF with the few eggs we get from me when we do IVF. Without the 1 in 10 chance of the translocation, it's possible that our few embryos will work. If that fails, maybe the expense of donor embryo is worth it for us, even if it's spending money for only a chance at something.
All of this is so damn hard. I can't believe that all of this shit has happened to us. The unfairness of it all overwhelms me.
Meanwhile, I'm still trying to make myself believe that I'm truly and honestly not pregnant.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Nothing doing
I'm already feeling myself up to see if my b00bs are sore. It's only 5dpIUI.
Of course I think they might be a little sore. Of course I think I feel things in my uterus. I feel these things every time. If you look back at my blog, you'll see I'm convinced I'm pregnant every single cycle. Even when I'm not. Sometimes even after I start bleeding.
Right now, I'm hoping to wait until Tuesday before I POAS.
We've starting thinking about adoption. I still like the idea of using a donated embryo, but being very pro-choice (even after all of the crap I've been through) and I just can't stand the idea of giving money to an anti-choice organization. I have barely done any research, but I am hopeful that some of the organizations are about making families and not about 'saving babies.' Anyway, we are looking into domestic adoption. I'm not ready to start pursuing it yet, but I feel like we need to start thinking about it. If not for our first child, then maybe for our second. And maybe for both. And maybe not. I just hate how uncertain everything is. It's all so ambiguous.
I feel like our entire situation is ambiguous. Nothing has been decided for us. We don't have to use donor sperm. We could try on our own and possibly get pregnant. People with balanced translocations do it all the time. Granted, they have tons of miscarriages, but they have children, too. So, we could try on our own. We thought the donor thing would be faster. But I know T grieves the loss of passing on his genes. And though I have been pregnant three times from having s3x, I just can't seem to get pregnant from these dIUIs. At least not so far. Maybe my fertility has become quite compromised in the last year or so. We don't know. We have every possibility in front of us. I realize that everybody going through this has choices to make, but sometimes things are decided for you. I feel like nothing has been decided for us. It's all just up to us and what we think we want to do. We have to guess at what will be the best (and quickest) thing for us.
T is in a bad way. He's just so sad again. Almost despondent, really. I'm not sure what causes his ups and downs. Talking about adoption in therapy made me cry. Maybe that was part of it. He's just been sad for the past few days aside from that, though. Last night he asked what if having a baby doesn't make things better for us. He's worried that our sadness will stay around no matter what. We've been sad our entire married lives. I got pregnant for the first time one month after we were married. I miscarried at 5 weeks. We've been struggling ever since. He just can't imagine that once we have a baby we will feel better. He feels like we've put all our eggs in one basket (so to speak). He's afraid that having a baby won't fix that ache he has in his heart. I told him I really thought it would be better, but I can't promise that. I don't really know for sure. I imagine it is true. I can't imagine that things won't be better once we finally get a baby some day. Other things will move in to bring us troubles -- things will never be perfect. But I think they will be better. I wish I could get him to believe that. I really don't think he does. It makes me so sad to know how sad he is. I'm still trying to not be too sad. It's not working as well as it did last cycle.
It's all just too much.
Of course I think they might be a little sore. Of course I think I feel things in my uterus. I feel these things every time. If you look back at my blog, you'll see I'm convinced I'm pregnant every single cycle. Even when I'm not. Sometimes even after I start bleeding.
Right now, I'm hoping to wait until Tuesday before I POAS.
We've starting thinking about adoption. I still like the idea of using a donated embryo, but being very pro-choice (even after all of the crap I've been through) and I just can't stand the idea of giving money to an anti-choice organization. I have barely done any research, but I am hopeful that some of the organizations are about making families and not about 'saving babies.' Anyway, we are looking into domestic adoption. I'm not ready to start pursuing it yet, but I feel like we need to start thinking about it. If not for our first child, then maybe for our second. And maybe for both. And maybe not. I just hate how uncertain everything is. It's all so ambiguous.
I feel like our entire situation is ambiguous. Nothing has been decided for us. We don't have to use donor sperm. We could try on our own and possibly get pregnant. People with balanced translocations do it all the time. Granted, they have tons of miscarriages, but they have children, too. So, we could try on our own. We thought the donor thing would be faster. But I know T grieves the loss of passing on his genes. And though I have been pregnant three times from having s3x, I just can't seem to get pregnant from these dIUIs. At least not so far. Maybe my fertility has become quite compromised in the last year or so. We don't know. We have every possibility in front of us. I realize that everybody going through this has choices to make, but sometimes things are decided for you. I feel like nothing has been decided for us. It's all just up to us and what we think we want to do. We have to guess at what will be the best (and quickest) thing for us.
T is in a bad way. He's just so sad again. Almost despondent, really. I'm not sure what causes his ups and downs. Talking about adoption in therapy made me cry. Maybe that was part of it. He's just been sad for the past few days aside from that, though. Last night he asked what if having a baby doesn't make things better for us. He's worried that our sadness will stay around no matter what. We've been sad our entire married lives. I got pregnant for the first time one month after we were married. I miscarried at 5 weeks. We've been struggling ever since. He just can't imagine that once we have a baby we will feel better. He feels like we've put all our eggs in one basket (so to speak). He's afraid that having a baby won't fix that ache he has in his heart. I told him I really thought it would be better, but I can't promise that. I don't really know for sure. I imagine it is true. I can't imagine that things won't be better once we finally get a baby some day. Other things will move in to bring us troubles -- things will never be perfect. But I think they will be better. I wish I could get him to believe that. I really don't think he does. It makes me so sad to know how sad he is. I'm still trying to not be too sad. It's not working as well as it did last cycle.
It's all just too much.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Nothing and Everything
I sometimes still read blogs, but I honestly have dropped off in that area. I check in on a few, but I rarely comment anymore. And because I don't really participate anymore, I realize that not as many people will participate in my blog. I am fine with that. It's only fair. If other people's blogs make me sad, it only comes to reason that my blog probably makes other people sad. I do appreciate every comment that everyone leaves for me. Thank you for that.
Other people's blogs make me pretty sad these days. There are only a small handful of people who were in the thick of things when I first started that aren't pregnant. This makes me incredibly sad. I wish I could be a bigger person and be happy for all of the people for whom fertility treatments have worked. And in a way, I am happy for people. I often say I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. And it's true. I am so glad when people are able to achieve pregnancy (or adopt) and can get out of this hell hole of infertility. But that doesn't mean that it's easy for me to hear about other's pregnancies. I certainly don't want anything bad to happen to people. It has happened to me, and I absolutely do not want anybody to have to go through that. But again, I still find it difficult to read about heartbeats and milestones and symptoms and preparing for baby. I just can't deal.
Honestly, I also often feel resentful of people who are able to achieve pregnancies where there is a full genetic connection with both parents. I get jealous very easily these days. I know it's wrong, but I just can't help feeling that way. I know it will ease once I finally find my way out of this hell.
I know some day that all of this will be over for me, whether it is achieving pregnancy somehow or adopting. And I expect this blog to change when that happens. But it is difficult for me to imagine that day happening. And until then, this is all that remains.
Other people's blogs make me pretty sad these days. There are only a small handful of people who were in the thick of things when I first started that aren't pregnant. This makes me incredibly sad. I wish I could be a bigger person and be happy for all of the people for whom fertility treatments have worked. And in a way, I am happy for people. I often say I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. And it's true. I am so glad when people are able to achieve pregnancy (or adopt) and can get out of this hell hole of infertility. But that doesn't mean that it's easy for me to hear about other's pregnancies. I certainly don't want anything bad to happen to people. It has happened to me, and I absolutely do not want anybody to have to go through that. But again, I still find it difficult to read about heartbeats and milestones and symptoms and preparing for baby. I just can't deal.
Honestly, I also often feel resentful of people who are able to achieve pregnancies where there is a full genetic connection with both parents. I get jealous very easily these days. I know it's wrong, but I just can't help feeling that way. I know it will ease once I finally find my way out of this hell.
I know some day that all of this will be over for me, whether it is achieving pregnancy somehow or adopting. And I expect this blog to change when that happens. But it is difficult for me to imagine that day happening. And until then, this is all that remains.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Trying to be happy
I have decided that I need to try to be happy. Yesterday, it worked. I came home from work and did laundry, emptied the dishwasher, washed dishes and made a wonderful chicken stew. It was delicious. I loved it. This is what I wanted to do when I started working part time. I wanted to come home and do stuff around the house and cook more. And that's what it did. It felt really good. I felt almost content. I'm trying really, really hard not to think about the IUI and what may or may not happen. I just want to be in a good place.
Today I did some errands after work. Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend who had her last IVF transfer on Sunday. We're going to knit. Oh, and I made a couple of more beautiful hats. Don't have pics yet, but I'll post them if I do.
The only problem is my upper back and neck seem to have seized up. I'm kind of in major pain. The right side was a problem last week, and it kept getting better, and then this morning the left side seized. I'm trying to sit with the heating pad a lot, but it's pretty painful. I'm worried that it may be the keyboard at work. It's pretty high. But, we'll see. I suppose I could ask for a sliding keyboard tray. That might help. It's just that I'm only a temp, and I don't know if they'd rather get a new person than a keyboard tray. But I guess it doesn't hurt to ask.
And T isn't doing this happiness thing quite the way I am. He's been feeling pretty down lately. I wish there were something I could do to make him feel better, but it seems I can't. And it's so difficult to force yourself to be happy when you see your beloved husband so down. I want to help him. I'm so ready for all of this to be over.
Today I did some errands after work. Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend who had her last IVF transfer on Sunday. We're going to knit. Oh, and I made a couple of more beautiful hats. Don't have pics yet, but I'll post them if I do.
The only problem is my upper back and neck seem to have seized up. I'm kind of in major pain. The right side was a problem last week, and it kept getting better, and then this morning the left side seized. I'm trying to sit with the heating pad a lot, but it's pretty painful. I'm worried that it may be the keyboard at work. It's pretty high. But, we'll see. I suppose I could ask for a sliding keyboard tray. That might help. It's just that I'm only a temp, and I don't know if they'd rather get a new person than a keyboard tray. But I guess it doesn't hurt to ask.
And T isn't doing this happiness thing quite the way I am. He's been feeling pretty down lately. I wish there were something I could do to make him feel better, but it seems I can't. And it's so difficult to force yourself to be happy when you see your beloved husband so down. I want to help him. I'm so ready for all of this to be over.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Sad today
The other receptionist had to cover for someone on a different floor, so I had to sit at the front desk with the pregnant woman all day. She's due in exactly one month from today, so there is a ton of baby talk with her. It's all people talk to her about. It wasn't bad for most of the day, but I find myself feeling sad. She keeps saying how she's ready and how she wishes the baby would come soon. From that, I can totally tell she's a non IF-er. An IF-er would be paranoid about giving birth before 37 weeks, and would want to keep the baby in for as long as possible to decrease risks. She's ready now, at barely 36. From what I can tell, she's been married for less time than T and I have been. She keeps talking about how much the baby is moving and how he's pressing on her ribs. It's just hard to listen to over and over.
And yesterday T got a picture of the boss's new baby. And the boss responded to T's well wishes, referring to him as 'Uncle T,' which is nice, but poor T's response to me was, "I'm tired of always being Uncle T.' It makes me so sad.
I'm picking up our vial of sperm on Friday. If things are fast, we'll have an IUI on Sunday, but I bet ovulation will be delayed again. Not a huge deal, I just like when it falls on a weekend and we don't have to interfere with work. But it is what it is. Nothing I can do about it.
I feel like I have been more relaxed lately, but I also wonder if it's just that I've become so numb that it feels like I'm relaxed. Our house is a complete disaster, and I just don't have the energy to clean up. I can barely get any chores around the house done at all. I can simply go to work and knit.
Speaking of knitting, no one has signed up for my knitting class so far, so there is a chance that it might be canceled after all of that. I was looking forward to teaching a little again, so that is a disappointment as well. Though, I always knew there was a chance that it would be canceled. It's just that I turned down jobs to keep those afternoons free, and it may have been for naught.
Tonight the Red Sox have their first playoff game. We will watch, but I'm honestly not that excited about the playoffs. I feel like that's another sign of my numbness. I'm a pretty huge Sox fan ordinarily. Of course, maybe it's because they've played like crap lately. Who knows.
I'm trying to hold my chin up (I hate that phrase) and I just can't tell if I am or not. I'm probably not, but I'm crazy enough to convince myself that I'm doing better. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and just clean the fucking kitchen.
And yesterday T got a picture of the boss's new baby. And the boss responded to T's well wishes, referring to him as 'Uncle T,' which is nice, but poor T's response to me was, "I'm tired of always being Uncle T.' It makes me so sad.
I'm picking up our vial of sperm on Friday. If things are fast, we'll have an IUI on Sunday, but I bet ovulation will be delayed again. Not a huge deal, I just like when it falls on a weekend and we don't have to interfere with work. But it is what it is. Nothing I can do about it.
I feel like I have been more relaxed lately, but I also wonder if it's just that I've become so numb that it feels like I'm relaxed. Our house is a complete disaster, and I just don't have the energy to clean up. I can barely get any chores around the house done at all. I can simply go to work and knit.
Speaking of knitting, no one has signed up for my knitting class so far, so there is a chance that it might be canceled after all of that. I was looking forward to teaching a little again, so that is a disappointment as well. Though, I always knew there was a chance that it would be canceled. It's just that I turned down jobs to keep those afternoons free, and it may have been for naught.
Tonight the Red Sox have their first playoff game. We will watch, but I'm honestly not that excited about the playoffs. I feel like that's another sign of my numbness. I'm a pretty huge Sox fan ordinarily. Of course, maybe it's because they've played like crap lately. Who knows.
I'm trying to hold my chin up (I hate that phrase) and I just can't tell if I am or not. I'm probably not, but I'm crazy enough to convince myself that I'm doing better. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and just clean the fucking kitchen.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Stressed
I feel stressed.
I've been thinking about my emotions a lot lately, and I think I might be more depressed than I think I am. I was anxious about leaving the house yesterday. I have small panic attacks reasonably often. I'm freaking out right now about something that isn't worth freaking about. I am having trouble motivating to do routine tasks. I force myself to do them, and once I start I'm okay. But I think I'm really having some troubles here. I need to calm myself.
What is stressing me out right now is work stuff. For the longest time, nothing with potential in the work part of my life has moved forward. But today, all hell has broken loose. I've gotten like 7 calls about jobs today. One is a part-time two (or so) month job from 8-2 that will take me through the knitting class I will start teaching soon. That should be a good thing! But then I freak out about when I will have the IUI and when will I meet with my therapist and how I just can't possibly work a job from 8-2 that doesn't have any flexibility. But T assures me I can get there at 8 without a problem. And we can meet with our therapist in the afternoon. T said he'd make time for it. And I told them I may have one or two doctor's appointments, and she said that would be fine. So, it's okay.
Then I get called from two recruiters about two different jobs. I'm a little overqualified for these jobs, but I think that's okay. I think. At least I might as well interview for them because I don't have to take them. I can simply learn about the positions, and if I don't want them, I don't have to talk them. So I should go for it. In fact, I have an interview on Monday after my new part time job. Why do I not feel more relaxed yet??
I talked to my RE yesterday. He convinced me that the timing of the IUI wasn't a bad one. I sort of changed my mind about that before, but he helped me feel that way with confidence. We talked about the possibility of monitoring, but I'm not convinced that I need it at this time. I think the timing is fine. I just didn't get pregnant. This happens. I'm 35. So, I'm going to use the Cl0mid and the OPKs again this month. I was this close to doing 2 IUIs too, but I'm not ready for that either, yet. Despite that study from 1998, he's completely convinced that newer data show that 2 are not necessary. I'm still going with that for now. But I'm going to either take the OPKs in the afternoon or double up this time. We shall see. If this third one doesn't work, I may very well do the monitoring. I'm just not ready for that yet.
Thanks for all the positive feedback about the hats. I bought some more yarn. Because of all the positivity, I'm definitely going with the $20 plus shipping charge. They are various children's sizes -- 0-6 months, 6-12 months, 2-18 months, 24 months, etc. I could make adult sizes, but I'd have to charge more for those. I'm also working on some baby socks/booties to match some of the hats. I could sell them as a combo. I also have scarves. Maybe I've got something here! But I don't think I could knit as fast as I can sell, and I like to make things for myself, too. But I feel good about this. Thanks.
I'm off to try to de-stress myself. I'm feeling slightly better, but I still have that nervous feeling at the pit of my stomach and my shoulders are tight. I'm going to go work on some socks.
I've been thinking about my emotions a lot lately, and I think I might be more depressed than I think I am. I was anxious about leaving the house yesterday. I have small panic attacks reasonably often. I'm freaking out right now about something that isn't worth freaking about. I am having trouble motivating to do routine tasks. I force myself to do them, and once I start I'm okay. But I think I'm really having some troubles here. I need to calm myself.
What is stressing me out right now is work stuff. For the longest time, nothing with potential in the work part of my life has moved forward. But today, all hell has broken loose. I've gotten like 7 calls about jobs today. One is a part-time two (or so) month job from 8-2 that will take me through the knitting class I will start teaching soon. That should be a good thing! But then I freak out about when I will have the IUI and when will I meet with my therapist and how I just can't possibly work a job from 8-2 that doesn't have any flexibility. But T assures me I can get there at 8 without a problem. And we can meet with our therapist in the afternoon. T said he'd make time for it. And I told them I may have one or two doctor's appointments, and she said that would be fine. So, it's okay.
Then I get called from two recruiters about two different jobs. I'm a little overqualified for these jobs, but I think that's okay. I think. At least I might as well interview for them because I don't have to take them. I can simply learn about the positions, and if I don't want them, I don't have to talk them. So I should go for it. In fact, I have an interview on Monday after my new part time job. Why do I not feel more relaxed yet??
I talked to my RE yesterday. He convinced me that the timing of the IUI wasn't a bad one. I sort of changed my mind about that before, but he helped me feel that way with confidence. We talked about the possibility of monitoring, but I'm not convinced that I need it at this time. I think the timing is fine. I just didn't get pregnant. This happens. I'm 35. So, I'm going to use the Cl0mid and the OPKs again this month. I was this close to doing 2 IUIs too, but I'm not ready for that either, yet. Despite that study from 1998, he's completely convinced that newer data show that 2 are not necessary. I'm still going with that for now. But I'm going to either take the OPKs in the afternoon or double up this time. We shall see. If this third one doesn't work, I may very well do the monitoring. I'm just not ready for that yet.
Thanks for all the positive feedback about the hats. I bought some more yarn. Because of all the positivity, I'm definitely going with the $20 plus shipping charge. They are various children's sizes -- 0-6 months, 6-12 months, 2-18 months, 24 months, etc. I could make adult sizes, but I'd have to charge more for those. I'm also working on some baby socks/booties to match some of the hats. I could sell them as a combo. I also have scarves. Maybe I've got something here! But I don't think I could knit as fast as I can sell, and I like to make things for myself, too. But I feel good about this. Thanks.
I'm off to try to de-stress myself. I'm feeling slightly better, but I still have that nervous feeling at the pit of my stomach and my shoulders are tight. I'm going to go work on some socks.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Again, a negative
I had my beta today. As expected, I am not pregnant again. The results turned around in less than an hour and a half, which was pretty impressive. I wasn't expecting the call until later today. This nurse seemed less hesitant than others to give me the bad news. I sometimes wonder if some nurses put off the negatives until the end of their phone calls and others try to get them out of the way first before calling people with updates and positives.
I have to set up another phone call with the RE. I have to decide whether to do 2 IUIs next cycle. Honestly, I'm hesitant to do so. I think I'd rather change the timing of my OPKs. I'm going to start taking them between early afternoon and early evening, and then just schedule the IUI for the next day that way. Or, maybe I'll take 2 OPKs per day -- one in the morning and one in early evening. That way I know know what's going on and schedule accordingly. The OPKs seem to work for me, and using twice as many is still much, much cheaper than using 2 vials of donor sperm.
I don't even know where I am emotionally right now. I have been sad for the past few days, but I don't feel really sad right this second. I guess I'm feeling numb. I can't believe how my IF resume is growing. 3 m/c, 3 failed IVF w/PGD, 2 failed dIUI. All of this has happened in two years. It really boggles my mind.
T and I are starting to talk about donor embryos. We're definitely not there yet, but my way of coping is thinking about next steps. We do have several steps before we get there, but I want to find out what those options are like, how much it costs, how/if we're able to have some choice in the embryo selection and things like that. Before we really get to embryo adoption, we will definitely do more dIUIs with both more Cl0mid and injectibles and we will also look at changing donors and trying again before moving on, so we have a while before we get there. I'm just really losing patience with this process.
I called the temp agency and told them I couldn't go back to that job. I lied about the reason, and the woman didn't sound very pleased with me, but screw that. I needed to get the hell out of there. I know it was the right thing for me to do. So I'll have to call for other jobs tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder when I'll wake up from this nightmare.
I think I need to start doing yoga or something. Allie Domar says that depression can affect fertility. I'm starting to wonder if I'm the reason I'm not getting pregnant.
I have to set up another phone call with the RE. I have to decide whether to do 2 IUIs next cycle. Honestly, I'm hesitant to do so. I think I'd rather change the timing of my OPKs. I'm going to start taking them between early afternoon and early evening, and then just schedule the IUI for the next day that way. Or, maybe I'll take 2 OPKs per day -- one in the morning and one in early evening. That way I know know what's going on and schedule accordingly. The OPKs seem to work for me, and using twice as many is still much, much cheaper than using 2 vials of donor sperm.
I don't even know where I am emotionally right now. I have been sad for the past few days, but I don't feel really sad right this second. I guess I'm feeling numb. I can't believe how my IF resume is growing. 3 m/c, 3 failed IVF w/PGD, 2 failed dIUI. All of this has happened in two years. It really boggles my mind.
T and I are starting to talk about donor embryos. We're definitely not there yet, but my way of coping is thinking about next steps. We do have several steps before we get there, but I want to find out what those options are like, how much it costs, how/if we're able to have some choice in the embryo selection and things like that. Before we really get to embryo adoption, we will definitely do more dIUIs with both more Cl0mid and injectibles and we will also look at changing donors and trying again before moving on, so we have a while before we get there. I'm just really losing patience with this process.
I called the temp agency and told them I couldn't go back to that job. I lied about the reason, and the woman didn't sound very pleased with me, but screw that. I needed to get the hell out of there. I know it was the right thing for me to do. So I'll have to call for other jobs tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder when I'll wake up from this nightmare.
I think I need to start doing yoga or something. Allie Domar says that depression can affect fertility. I'm starting to wonder if I'm the reason I'm not getting pregnant.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Big Papi Delivers
What a great night for a ball game. The weather was clear and cool, the game, despite some problems with the starting pitcher, was interesting. And Big Papi, David Ortiz, hit a walk off 2 run home run in the bottom of the 9th to end with a Red Sox win. I scored the game diligently, and T and I enjoyed ourselves immensely for a few hours. I love baseball. I love Fenway Park. And I love it when we win! (Especially when the Yankees have won elsewhere. Don't want to lose any more ground before they come to town this weekend.)
I decided to not go to temple today. Instead, I'm hanging out with my friend, and fellow Jew, N. We are thinking of going to the beach. She says that, often, that's what secular Jews in Israel do for the holiday. So we are going to do that. Unless we change our plans.
I did end up applying at the coffee shop yesterday. I spoke to the manager, and I thought it went well. I'm hopeful that she'll call for a more formal interview. I also stopped by the yarn store nearby and applied there as well. The manager said that he will assess if he needs any new people at the end of the month, and will be in touch if he does.
I have some baking/cooking/preparing to do before N shows up. Still feeling sad about all the pregnancies, but I've stopped crying (mostly). I'm glad she's coming over so I don't have to spend the day alone. What we do isn't as important as the fact that we're simply hanging out and doing something together. Keeping busy and having company is so important.
I decided to not go to temple today. Instead, I'm hanging out with my friend, and fellow Jew, N. We are thinking of going to the beach. She says that, often, that's what secular Jews in Israel do for the holiday. So we are going to do that. Unless we change our plans.
I did end up applying at the coffee shop yesterday. I spoke to the manager, and I thought it went well. I'm hopeful that she'll call for a more formal interview. I also stopped by the yarn store nearby and applied there as well. The manager said that he will assess if he needs any new people at the end of the month, and will be in touch if he does.
I have some baking/cooking/preparing to do before N shows up. Still feeling sad about all the pregnancies, but I've stopped crying (mostly). I'm glad she's coming over so I don't have to spend the day alone. What we do isn't as important as the fact that we're simply hanging out and doing something together. Keeping busy and having company is so important.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
jealous again
T and I are going to the game tonight. The weather has cleared up, so hopefully it will be better than last time. And hopefully we will win.
It is the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashana) and I got sent a New Year's bulletin from my mother's cousin. His daughter is pregnant. She's in her early 40s, and my mother told me that she and her husband were 'having trouble' but there it was on the bottom of the note. I was furious at my mother for not telling me. To be fair, she may not have known, but I sent her an email about it. I wonder what their 'trouble' was. Part of me wonders if she had donor eggs. But I don't want to ask her. She's due in February, which means she just passed the 12 weeks mark. We went to a party at her house in July. She must have been doing whatever they were doing to get her pregnant around then. She literally cooked for over 50 people by herself and she works full time, so I don't know how she could do that and undergo treatments, but she seems kind of the wonder woman type.
This is her second marriage, and in her first marriage she said several times out loud that she didn't want children. I guess maybe it was her first husband that didn't want them. Of course, everybody's allowed to change their mind. I was just surprised when my mother told me they were trying because I always just knew that she didn't want kids. New husband must have really wanted some.
Why can't I just be happy for them? Why does this kill me so much? It really just makes me miserable and jealous. Especially if they didn't use donor eggs. Then I'll really be jealous. But who knows if I'll ever know. I'm sick of all of this pain.
I just got an email from my mother. She didn't know. She learned via the letter, too.
I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to synagogue on the high holidays. T is not Jewish, and he has to work on Thursday for Rosh Hashana, so I would have to go alone. We found a synagogue that we might want to join, but it's full of young couples with children, and membership dues are not cheap. I suppose I could just go for the service and not join, but I just don't know if I want to go alone. There is a separate children's service, so there probably won't be a ton of kids there, but I'm just not sure I feel up to it. But then I feel guilty that I don't feel up to it. I told my family that I'd go there, and I just don't want to 'fess up to them that I just decided to not go this year. But I just don't know if I can do it. I'm going to just decide in the morning, I guess.
Hopefully the Sox game tonight will be a good distraction. I love baseball. I think I may go to a coffee shop today and apply, too. I'm meeting my friend S later to help her choose some yarn to make a scarf for her husband. I also need to cook for the dinner tomorrow night at my brother's house. I'm making broccoli with Parmesan butter, lime cheesecake bars and chocolate mousse. So, despite not working, I'm pretty busy. Hopefully that will elevate my mood.
I just found out another cousin is pregnant with their second after 'trouble' and a miscarriage. I'm still a selfish bitch and am not able to do anything with that except be sad for myself. I hate wallowing in self-pity, but that's just where I am right now. This pregnant cousin is very lovely and was adopted herself, so I'm sure she would be very sympathetic and understanding. But the fact of the matter is, she is having two children that are biologically related to herself and her husband and we aren't. At this point, we're not having any children.
I really hope some of this anger, sadness and jealously goes away once I'm (hopefully) pregnant. Not sure what will happen if we end up adopting.
It is the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashana) and I got sent a New Year's bulletin from my mother's cousin. His daughter is pregnant. She's in her early 40s, and my mother told me that she and her husband were 'having trouble' but there it was on the bottom of the note. I was furious at my mother for not telling me. To be fair, she may not have known, but I sent her an email about it. I wonder what their 'trouble' was. Part of me wonders if she had donor eggs. But I don't want to ask her. She's due in February, which means she just passed the 12 weeks mark. We went to a party at her house in July. She must have been doing whatever they were doing to get her pregnant around then. She literally cooked for over 50 people by herself and she works full time, so I don't know how she could do that and undergo treatments, but she seems kind of the wonder woman type.
This is her second marriage, and in her first marriage she said several times out loud that she didn't want children. I guess maybe it was her first husband that didn't want them. Of course, everybody's allowed to change their mind. I was just surprised when my mother told me they were trying because I always just knew that she didn't want kids. New husband must have really wanted some.
Why can't I just be happy for them? Why does this kill me so much? It really just makes me miserable and jealous. Especially if they didn't use donor eggs. Then I'll really be jealous. But who knows if I'll ever know. I'm sick of all of this pain.
I just got an email from my mother. She didn't know. She learned via the letter, too.
I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to synagogue on the high holidays. T is not Jewish, and he has to work on Thursday for Rosh Hashana, so I would have to go alone. We found a synagogue that we might want to join, but it's full of young couples with children, and membership dues are not cheap. I suppose I could just go for the service and not join, but I just don't know if I want to go alone. There is a separate children's service, so there probably won't be a ton of kids there, but I'm just not sure I feel up to it. But then I feel guilty that I don't feel up to it. I told my family that I'd go there, and I just don't want to 'fess up to them that I just decided to not go this year. But I just don't know if I can do it. I'm going to just decide in the morning, I guess.
Hopefully the Sox game tonight will be a good distraction. I love baseball. I think I may go to a coffee shop today and apply, too. I'm meeting my friend S later to help her choose some yarn to make a scarf for her husband. I also need to cook for the dinner tomorrow night at my brother's house. I'm making broccoli with Parmesan butter, lime cheesecake bars and chocolate mousse. So, despite not working, I'm pretty busy. Hopefully that will elevate my mood.
I just found out another cousin is pregnant with their second after 'trouble' and a miscarriage. I'm still a selfish bitch and am not able to do anything with that except be sad for myself. I hate wallowing in self-pity, but that's just where I am right now. This pregnant cousin is very lovely and was adopted herself, so I'm sure she would be very sympathetic and understanding. But the fact of the matter is, she is having two children that are biologically related to herself and her husband and we aren't. At this point, we're not having any children.
I really hope some of this anger, sadness and jealously goes away once I'm (hopefully) pregnant. Not sure what will happen if we end up adopting.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Sad
Today I am sad. Maybe it's the much needed rain. We really need some rain in the Boston area, but the dark days always get me down. I also think the Cl0mid side effects are happening now. It's weird how they don't appear (except for the hot flashes) until a week after I stop taking it. But I have had fertile cm for the past few days and my n1pples have become incredibly sensitive.
The temp thing isn't going very well. There are several long term jobs that would be fine for me, except I have signed up to teach knitting to middle schoolers on Wednesdays at 3:30 for 5 weeks, which means I can't take a long term job. I am thinking about trying to get a coffee slinging type job which might be more flexible. Right now I wonder if anybody will hire me. I'm just feeling like every job is wrong. But I don't like not doing anything, either. I just feel so useless. I'm kind of excited about the teaching knitting thing, though. It just doesn't really pay much. And by not much, I mean I'll probably get like $100 or $150 for doing it. So I really mean not much. The coffee thing is sounding more and more appealing, somehow. I just need to find one that's easy to get to.
The temp thing isn't going very well. There are several long term jobs that would be fine for me, except I have signed up to teach knitting to middle schoolers on Wednesdays at 3:30 for 5 weeks, which means I can't take a long term job. I am thinking about trying to get a coffee slinging type job which might be more flexible. Right now I wonder if anybody will hire me. I'm just feeling like every job is wrong. But I don't like not doing anything, either. I just feel so useless. I'm kind of excited about the teaching knitting thing, though. It just doesn't really pay much. And by not much, I mean I'll probably get like $100 or $150 for doing it. So I really mean not much. The coffee thing is sounding more and more appealing, somehow. I just need to find one that's easy to get to.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Week End
First, I want to thank everyone for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it. I am feeling slightly better now. I did check out some donor egg support groups, but of course the next one in my area doesn't meet until mid-September. It seems that most support groups are not meeting much over the summer. I also emailed my local Resolve chapter to volunteer to run a donor sperm group. However, I have emailed and volunteered my services to Resolve before and never got a response back. We shall see what happens.
And as far as getting out my concerns on this blog goes, I do do that. I love this blog. I love having this blog. I find that it helps me tremendously. In fact, even if no one read it (which I think would make me a bit sad) I still think it would help just to get my feelings out through my fingers.
But there are some things that are difficult to write down because you can't even articulate them. There are some things that only come out in conversation with others. Sometimes the only way to reframe an idea is to bounce it off other people who are experiencing the same thing and just looking at it from a different angle. There's something about having a conversation in person that is different from pouring out my emotions on this blog.
That being said, I guess what I'm feeling mostly sad about right now is what was brought up in that NPR story. How the woman, when she saw her son walking next to the woman who had given birth to him, that their walks were the same. How, when I look at baby S, I see his dad in his face and in his body. When I used to teach, sometimes a student's dad would walk in the room and I would think, "That has to be so-and-so's dad" because you could just see it. I am just mourning that connection.
I am also wondering what we're going to say when people ask, "Who does he look like?" And I even believe that people who will not know might even say he looks like T (maybe) and then how do we respond?
When that happens to my brother and sister-in-law with my niece L, they just smile and look at each other and say, "Yup!" People have said that she looks like my brother. So I guess that's what we'll do too.
I mean, I don't feel like we won't be a happy family. I don't even think we'll think about this too much once there is a real live little person around. We will just live our lives as most people do. But that connection that is genetics -- it is not a small one. It will always connect us to this donor, and it is a strong bond. I do not think that it replaces the bond we will have with our children. Our children will always be our children and that is a bond that no one can break. Ever. No matter what. It's just that a small but natural piece of parenthood -- looking for yourself, physically, in your child -- will not be there for T. And though I think we are making the right decision by going with donor sperm, I am still grieving this loss. It does not feel small right now.
I just thought it would be helpful to discuss this feeling of loss with a group of people going through something similar. Donor eggs, donor sperm, whichever. I'd be interested to hear other people talk about it. But it's just not going to happen for now.
For now, I have this blog and other bloggers. But that is a good thing.
And as far as getting out my concerns on this blog goes, I do do that. I love this blog. I love having this blog. I find that it helps me tremendously. In fact, even if no one read it (which I think would make me a bit sad) I still think it would help just to get my feelings out through my fingers.
But there are some things that are difficult to write down because you can't even articulate them. There are some things that only come out in conversation with others. Sometimes the only way to reframe an idea is to bounce it off other people who are experiencing the same thing and just looking at it from a different angle. There's something about having a conversation in person that is different from pouring out my emotions on this blog.
That being said, I guess what I'm feeling mostly sad about right now is what was brought up in that NPR story. How the woman, when she saw her son walking next to the woman who had given birth to him, that their walks were the same. How, when I look at baby S, I see his dad in his face and in his body. When I used to teach, sometimes a student's dad would walk in the room and I would think, "That has to be so-and-so's dad" because you could just see it. I am just mourning that connection.
I am also wondering what we're going to say when people ask, "Who does he look like?" And I even believe that people who will not know might even say he looks like T (maybe) and then how do we respond?
When that happens to my brother and sister-in-law with my niece L, they just smile and look at each other and say, "Yup!" People have said that she looks like my brother. So I guess that's what we'll do too.
I mean, I don't feel like we won't be a happy family. I don't even think we'll think about this too much once there is a real live little person around. We will just live our lives as most people do. But that connection that is genetics -- it is not a small one. It will always connect us to this donor, and it is a strong bond. I do not think that it replaces the bond we will have with our children. Our children will always be our children and that is a bond that no one can break. Ever. No matter what. It's just that a small but natural piece of parenthood -- looking for yourself, physically, in your child -- will not be there for T. And though I think we are making the right decision by going with donor sperm, I am still grieving this loss. It does not feel small right now.
I just thought it would be helpful to discuss this feeling of loss with a group of people going through something similar. Donor eggs, donor sperm, whichever. I'd be interested to hear other people talk about it. But it's just not going to happen for now.
For now, I have this blog and other bloggers. But that is a good thing.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Not the best day
I didn't get anything done at work today. I did about an hour's worth of work all day.
I'm also feeling really isolated. I'm a bit isolated at work now that I've changed offices. I haven't really minded the new office until today, though. But I'm definitely feeling isolated with all this DI stuff. I do know a couple of people in the blogosphere who are dealing with DI issues, and that definitely helps a little, but I'm feeling like I need more. I really want to find a support group where people are dealing with their emotions about DI, but nothing I have found online is like that. Maybe it's different once you're pregnant, but now I'm just feeling so very alone in all of this.
At RESOLVE there are many donor egg groups, but I have yet to see a donor sperm group. Donor egg definitely has similar issues, but it is a different process (way more difficult than DI), and the non-biological aspect of it is different because though it is not the mother's eggs, the woman does carry the child which is a very physical thing. It is just feeling different to me right now.
I just don't feel like I have anywhere to turn to talk about this. My therapist is on vacation, and I just don't know what to do. I do not want to go back on this decision. I still am happy with our choice and our donor. I just want to talk to people about what I am feeling and to hear what they are feeling. I just don't know where to go.
I took my last BCP yesterday. Things are going to happen soon.
I'm also feeling really isolated. I'm a bit isolated at work now that I've changed offices. I haven't really minded the new office until today, though. But I'm definitely feeling isolated with all this DI stuff. I do know a couple of people in the blogosphere who are dealing with DI issues, and that definitely helps a little, but I'm feeling like I need more. I really want to find a support group where people are dealing with their emotions about DI, but nothing I have found online is like that. Maybe it's different once you're pregnant, but now I'm just feeling so very alone in all of this.
At RESOLVE there are many donor egg groups, but I have yet to see a donor sperm group. Donor egg definitely has similar issues, but it is a different process (way more difficult than DI), and the non-biological aspect of it is different because though it is not the mother's eggs, the woman does carry the child which is a very physical thing. It is just feeling different to me right now.
I just don't feel like I have anywhere to turn to talk about this. My therapist is on vacation, and I just don't know what to do. I do not want to go back on this decision. I still am happy with our choice and our donor. I just want to talk to people about what I am feeling and to hear what they are feeling. I just don't know where to go.
I took my last BCP yesterday. Things are going to happen soon.
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