I just filled out the form to sell back our two remaining vials of donor sperm. I'm not sure I mentioned this, but we got a call from the cryobank saying that at new genetic test had become reliable and they've started testing all the vials. Of course, our donor was one of the few that tested positive. I'm not exactly sure what the test is for, but it's a recessive gene that, if both biological parents carry it (like Cystic Fibrosis) and the kid gets it, it's a horrible muscle wasting disease like Muscular Dystrophy and it can lead to death in children at around 2 years of age.
Why do I feel like it figures that the donor we chose would have this? This is the donor I had the miscarriage with. I don't know if I carry that gene -- most likely I don't -- but still. Weird.
Anyway, the cryobank offered to exchange the vials for a new donor, but we really are never doing to do more inseminations, so we're hoping to just sell it back. At a loss. A 50% loss. They only pay you 50% of what you paid for it. Of course. It's a freaking racket. But any way.
Bye bye vials.
Showing posts with label sperm donors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sperm donors. Show all posts
Monday, December 08, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
a lot
We did a deep, deep clean of our house. It's kind of disconcerting, but it's definitely wonderful.
I start my new job tomorrow. Eeep!
I wrote this long, long explanation of my journey for Mel, and because I spent so much time on it I feel compelled to put it up here. So here it is. I didn't proofread this, so forgive my errors.
And remember, it's long.
We have been down multiple paths in our quest to be parents. I
believe that each step we have taken has been a logical progression,
but each step was agonizing.
We started out charting and having timed intercourse. I got pregnant.
I lost the pregnancies. After losing two pregnancies we were tested
to look for a reason and my husband was diagnosed with a balanced
translocation. The OB that called me with these results told me not
to worry about it too much. There was this really great procedure
called PGD that they could perform along with IVF and she was sure I
would be back seeing her in the summer (the diagnosis was in April)
with my happy and healthy pregnancy. That was two years ago. While I
am sure that news of my husband's translocation was a difficult one to
give, I am extremely resentful of this woman to give me such a happy
prognosis and to give me hope that things would go smoothly for us.
It did not prepare me in any way for the agony that was ahead of us.
I didn't want to do IVF. I hated the idea. Looking back now, that
seems extraordinarily silly, but that's where I was at the time. I
just wanted to make our baby the old fashioned way. We are lucky
enough to live in a mandated state, so while we were applying for
insurance coverage we tried the old fashioned way one more time and
needless to say we got pregnant and had a third miscarriage. I knew
that I would have to move on after our third loss. I was angry and I
was resistant, but I was also impatient and I wanted to do what would
give us the best chance. My husband was loathe to see me go through
another miscarriage. He hated the emotional trauma it caused me. It
hurt him to see me hurt. So IVF with PGD it was.
We did IVF with PGD three times. Even though I was able to get
pregnant pretty easily, I was an extremely poor responder to
medication. Our first IVF only produced 2 eggs. Without a
chromosomal disorder, you can hope for a miracle with 2 eggs that one
or both might fertilize and one or both might be strong and become a
baby. But when a balanced translocation is involved, only
approximately one in 8 fertilized eggs will be healthy after PGD, so
we knew it was hopeless. We went ahead with the PGD anyway and had no
embryo transfer. There was no explanation as to why I responded so
poorly. My FSH wasn't extraordinarily high. No one knew.
I clearly needed a new protocol to get more eggs. I was immediately
put on a poor responder protocol. This went smoothly without
questioning. There are poor responder protocols that work better for
some women. Everybody responds to the medications differently. We
did an antagonist protocol. This time we got 4 eggs. All fertilized,
3 made it to biopsy and none were healthy. We again had no embryo
transfer.
While 4 eggs was better, it clearly wasn't enough. I was ready to not
do IVF anymore. I knew it was futile -- I do not produce enough eggs.
The procedures are incredibly invasive and I didn't think there was a
snowball's chance in hell that this would work for us. My husband was
not ready to give up, though. He felt like it was his only chance at
having a biological child. How could I not give this chance to him?
I was very skeptical, but I had to do this last cycle for my husband.
We decided to go with a different poor responder protocol. This also
went smoothly without questioning. We simply needed more eggs if this
was to work for us. We would try anything at this point. Microdose
Lupron it was. We got 5 eggs. 3 fertilized and made it to biopsy.
One of the biopsied cells had no nucleus so its result was
inconclusive. We got a call in the car as we were driving to the
transfer. We fully expected for this transfer to be cancelled, but
there it was. An undiagnosed embryo. Should we transfer it? My
husband and I talked it over during the 10 minutes left of our drive
to the clinic. This was agony. What do we do? Risk another
miscarriage? But how could we not transfer it? What if that was our
embryo? We discussed things with the doctor once we got there. He
said it was up to us, but he saw no reason not to take the risk. What
if? So after agonizing over the decision and marveling over our bad
luck, we transferred. I didn't get pregnant.
We were out of insurance. We felt IVF was futile. I seemed to get
pregnant easily enough, but my husband's sperm was the X factor. So,
we decided to try donor sperm. We agonized over finding a donor.
Nobody was good enough because nobody was my husband. We knew we had
to choose whether personality or looks were more important. We
decided on personality. My husband wanted a computer geek donor
because my husband is a computer geek. We found a few. We read. We
discussed. We disagreed. We slept on it. We only found a couple of
appropriate donors. We whittled it down to a few. We chose. We
slept on it again. I woke up crying -- this was not the right donor
for us. I had a bad feeling about him. I didn't want to use him. My
husband said it was okay, that we didn't need to choose that donor.
We didn't know how we could find a new one because it had been nearly
impossible to find the one I decided I didn't like.
We started our search again. We expanded our criteria a little. We
found someone else. He fit. He was on the skinny side, but otherwise
he fit. We decided. I didn't cry. We slept on it. We ordered 4
vials.
We did 4 IUIs. The first one was natural. The second through fourth
we used Clomid and a trigger shot. We didn't want to risk the timing.
Donor sperm is expensive. Luckily insurance paid for the IUIs. I
didn't get pregnant.
I wasn't getting pregnant now. We thought it might be the donor. We
decided to switch donors on both our decision and our RE's advice. We
thought it would be smart. This wasn't a hard decision. Finding a
new donor was much easier this time around. I guess we were used to
the idea that the donor wasn't my husband and we were more open to
certain differences. We still needed to find a geeky guy who was good
at math. It would be nice to find someone who was a big guy like my
husband is. But we were okay with other differences. So we chose and
it was easier. We bought 4 vials again.
Our 5th IUI with Clomid and a trigger shot worked. I had taken an hpt
and it was negative on day 13, so I was sure it would be a negative.
My beta was 13. I was shocked. Second beta was 88. It more than
doubled. Third beta was 168. Not looking good. Fourth beta was 144.
It was time for my fourth miscarriage.
Now that the translocation factor had been removed, we were afraid
that there might be a female factor reason for this miscarriage. We
knew it just could be because miscarriages happen and it could be bad
luck. I'm 35. Miscarriages happen in women 35 and over pretty
frequently. But I demanded more testing and my RE agreed. We need to
make sure there's nothing going on on my end. I had the testing done
and I will get the results this week.
We are tired. We feel like we have tried everything without success.
We want to be parents. We want this whole thing to be over. I am
tired of cycling. I am just tired. We needed to start thinking about
adoption. Since my husband let go of his genetic connection a year
ago, this was not difficult for him. It was slightly more difficult
for me. I feel a little bit like it's less the genetic connection and
more about never being pregnant long enough to have a child. And I'm
afraid of not being able to choose the biology. At least with donor
gametes you get to choose the biology on some level. But I don't want
to cycle. I want a sure thing, and that's what adoption is.
We went to seminars. We are adjusting to the idea. We think we will
utilize adoption to grow our family. It is a difficult decision, but
it is one we feel is inevitable. We are still adjusting to this idea.
We are still working through this decision. But we know we will move
forward with it.
We own three more vials of donor sperm. They cost us about $1500. If
my testing comes back normal, we will use them. We may use
injectables again for a couple of cycles if our RE thinks it's
appropriate. Since I got pregnant with the Clomid last time around,
I'm not sure right now. We will consider doing IVF one more time with
donor sperm. We are unsure whether we want to do this or not. We are
still deciding. Yes, we are tired, but we need to make sure we have
done everything we can. We do not want to leave any 'what if's'
behind. We need to do everything we can.
We are still in an unstable place with these final decisions, but we
know we have no choice. Even though the choices are limitless, it
feels like the next step is prescribed. But we are close to getting
off this train and to enter an entirely new one.
The worst part of leaving ART behind and entering the adoption
rollercoaster is that you don't really get new relief. It can still
be years before you get a baby. You just leave one form of torture to
endure another.
But what can we do? We want to be parents.
I start my new job tomorrow. Eeep!
I wrote this long, long explanation of my journey for Mel, and because I spent so much time on it I feel compelled to put it up here. So here it is. I didn't proofread this, so forgive my errors.
And remember, it's long.
We have been down multiple paths in our quest to be parents. I
believe that each step we have taken has been a logical progression,
but each step was agonizing.
We started out charting and having timed intercourse. I got pregnant.
I lost the pregnancies. After losing two pregnancies we were tested
to look for a reason and my husband was diagnosed with a balanced
translocation. The OB that called me with these results told me not
to worry about it too much. There was this really great procedure
called PGD that they could perform along with IVF and she was sure I
would be back seeing her in the summer (the diagnosis was in April)
with my happy and healthy pregnancy. That was two years ago. While I
am sure that news of my husband's translocation was a difficult one to
give, I am extremely resentful of this woman to give me such a happy
prognosis and to give me hope that things would go smoothly for us.
It did not prepare me in any way for the agony that was ahead of us.
I didn't want to do IVF. I hated the idea. Looking back now, that
seems extraordinarily silly, but that's where I was at the time. I
just wanted to make our baby the old fashioned way. We are lucky
enough to live in a mandated state, so while we were applying for
insurance coverage we tried the old fashioned way one more time and
needless to say we got pregnant and had a third miscarriage. I knew
that I would have to move on after our third loss. I was angry and I
was resistant, but I was also impatient and I wanted to do what would
give us the best chance. My husband was loathe to see me go through
another miscarriage. He hated the emotional trauma it caused me. It
hurt him to see me hurt. So IVF with PGD it was.
We did IVF with PGD three times. Even though I was able to get
pregnant pretty easily, I was an extremely poor responder to
medication. Our first IVF only produced 2 eggs. Without a
chromosomal disorder, you can hope for a miracle with 2 eggs that one
or both might fertilize and one or both might be strong and become a
baby. But when a balanced translocation is involved, only
approximately one in 8 fertilized eggs will be healthy after PGD, so
we knew it was hopeless. We went ahead with the PGD anyway and had no
embryo transfer. There was no explanation as to why I responded so
poorly. My FSH wasn't extraordinarily high. No one knew.
I clearly needed a new protocol to get more eggs. I was immediately
put on a poor responder protocol. This went smoothly without
questioning. There are poor responder protocols that work better for
some women. Everybody responds to the medications differently. We
did an antagonist protocol. This time we got 4 eggs. All fertilized,
3 made it to biopsy and none were healthy. We again had no embryo
transfer.
While 4 eggs was better, it clearly wasn't enough. I was ready to not
do IVF anymore. I knew it was futile -- I do not produce enough eggs.
The procedures are incredibly invasive and I didn't think there was a
snowball's chance in hell that this would work for us. My husband was
not ready to give up, though. He felt like it was his only chance at
having a biological child. How could I not give this chance to him?
I was very skeptical, but I had to do this last cycle for my husband.
We decided to go with a different poor responder protocol. This also
went smoothly without questioning. We simply needed more eggs if this
was to work for us. We would try anything at this point. Microdose
Lupron it was. We got 5 eggs. 3 fertilized and made it to biopsy.
One of the biopsied cells had no nucleus so its result was
inconclusive. We got a call in the car as we were driving to the
transfer. We fully expected for this transfer to be cancelled, but
there it was. An undiagnosed embryo. Should we transfer it? My
husband and I talked it over during the 10 minutes left of our drive
to the clinic. This was agony. What do we do? Risk another
miscarriage? But how could we not transfer it? What if that was our
embryo? We discussed things with the doctor once we got there. He
said it was up to us, but he saw no reason not to take the risk. What
if? So after agonizing over the decision and marveling over our bad
luck, we transferred. I didn't get pregnant.
We were out of insurance. We felt IVF was futile. I seemed to get
pregnant easily enough, but my husband's sperm was the X factor. So,
we decided to try donor sperm. We agonized over finding a donor.
Nobody was good enough because nobody was my husband. We knew we had
to choose whether personality or looks were more important. We
decided on personality. My husband wanted a computer geek donor
because my husband is a computer geek. We found a few. We read. We
discussed. We disagreed. We slept on it. We only found a couple of
appropriate donors. We whittled it down to a few. We chose. We
slept on it again. I woke up crying -- this was not the right donor
for us. I had a bad feeling about him. I didn't want to use him. My
husband said it was okay, that we didn't need to choose that donor.
We didn't know how we could find a new one because it had been nearly
impossible to find the one I decided I didn't like.
We started our search again. We expanded our criteria a little. We
found someone else. He fit. He was on the skinny side, but otherwise
he fit. We decided. I didn't cry. We slept on it. We ordered 4
vials.
We did 4 IUIs. The first one was natural. The second through fourth
we used Clomid and a trigger shot. We didn't want to risk the timing.
Donor sperm is expensive. Luckily insurance paid for the IUIs. I
didn't get pregnant.
I wasn't getting pregnant now. We thought it might be the donor. We
decided to switch donors on both our decision and our RE's advice. We
thought it would be smart. This wasn't a hard decision. Finding a
new donor was much easier this time around. I guess we were used to
the idea that the donor wasn't my husband and we were more open to
certain differences. We still needed to find a geeky guy who was good
at math. It would be nice to find someone who was a big guy like my
husband is. But we were okay with other differences. So we chose and
it was easier. We bought 4 vials again.
Our 5th IUI with Clomid and a trigger shot worked. I had taken an hpt
and it was negative on day 13, so I was sure it would be a negative.
My beta was 13. I was shocked. Second beta was 88. It more than
doubled. Third beta was 168. Not looking good. Fourth beta was 144.
It was time for my fourth miscarriage.
Now that the translocation factor had been removed, we were afraid
that there might be a female factor reason for this miscarriage. We
knew it just could be because miscarriages happen and it could be bad
luck. I'm 35. Miscarriages happen in women 35 and over pretty
frequently. But I demanded more testing and my RE agreed. We need to
make sure there's nothing going on on my end. I had the testing done
and I will get the results this week.
We are tired. We feel like we have tried everything without success.
We want to be parents. We want this whole thing to be over. I am
tired of cycling. I am just tired. We needed to start thinking about
adoption. Since my husband let go of his genetic connection a year
ago, this was not difficult for him. It was slightly more difficult
for me. I feel a little bit like it's less the genetic connection and
more about never being pregnant long enough to have a child. And I'm
afraid of not being able to choose the biology. At least with donor
gametes you get to choose the biology on some level. But I don't want
to cycle. I want a sure thing, and that's what adoption is.
We went to seminars. We are adjusting to the idea. We think we will
utilize adoption to grow our family. It is a difficult decision, but
it is one we feel is inevitable. We are still adjusting to this idea.
We are still working through this decision. But we know we will move
forward with it.
We own three more vials of donor sperm. They cost us about $1500. If
my testing comes back normal, we will use them. We may use
injectables again for a couple of cycles if our RE thinks it's
appropriate. Since I got pregnant with the Clomid last time around,
I'm not sure right now. We will consider doing IVF one more time with
donor sperm. We are unsure whether we want to do this or not. We are
still deciding. Yes, we are tired, but we need to make sure we have
done everything we can. We do not want to leave any 'what if's'
behind. We need to do everything we can.
We are still in an unstable place with these final decisions, but we
know we have no choice. Even though the choices are limitless, it
feels like the next step is prescribed. But we are close to getting
off this train and to enter an entirely new one.
The worst part of leaving ART behind and entering the adoption
rollercoaster is that you don't really get new relief. It can still
be years before you get a baby. You just leave one form of torture to
endure another.
But what can we do? We want to be parents.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Oprah
I am going to blog about the Oprah show today where they discuss donor conceived children.
The pediatrician at the beginning of the show had a really good attitude about sperm donation. The second donor, not quite so much. He is enjoying playing "father" to his "children." But he's not horrible.
The donor conceived children's stories were.... mostly unhappy. It seemed like they were either children of SMCs or from a long time ago when donation wasn't open. In my opinion, these children are the ones most likely to feel angry about their conceptions.
I see another donor who has the good attitude. I will talk if a donor conceived child if he or she wants, but I'm not going to force myself on a child.
One dc woman does have a dad. She calls her donor Dad and her father Dad. She thinks of herself as having two fathers. This is making me feel pretty ambivalent.
Granted the reasons for conception are different, but I imagine an adopted child would feel similarly about his or her biological parents. I understand the curiosity and the need to meet the donor. I believe in open donors. Our current donor isn't open, but isn't open for the right reason. And has a family member that is donor conceived and I think if we express an interest down the road, I think he would understand.
The pediatrician's wife is also a pediatrician. I like them. They're good. They understand the idea of donor conception well. They don't over condemn, and they don't idealize.
This part is about donor siblings meeting. They are both only children of SMCs. I totally understand these people and why they have a need to meet each other.
So the siblings are talking about a void in their lives being conceived this way. That she, as an only child, was amazed at being able to look into someone else's face and see herself. Well, we have lost this, too. And donor sperm is how we are trying to allow ourselves to have a child, even if that child can't see himself in my husbands face, or we can't see my husband's face in our children.
All I want to say is, the hurt goes both ways, folks.
The pediatrician talked about regulation of the industry. It needs to be regulated better. No argument from me. He also talked about being paid for donation -- how blood donors are not paid (Is that 100% true? They used to get paid.) so why should sperm donors. This is something I think about, too. And I know that other countries do not allow payment for donating gametes. It's a valid point to bring up, though I am not expressing an opinion about that one.
Why were all the dc children women, except for the male reunion sibling? And why aren't egg donors discussed?
They leave with info about the DSR.
All and all, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. The choice of dc people was not quite as diverse as I would have hoped. It would have been nice if they had an adult who, while certainly curious about the donor, doesn't think of the donor as a father and thinks of his or her FATHER as his or her father. I know they exist. I have emailed a couple of them. I have a friend who was donor conceived and didn't find out until she was an adult who feels that way.
But all and all, it could definitely have been worse.
The pediatrician at the beginning of the show had a really good attitude about sperm donation. The second donor, not quite so much. He is enjoying playing "father" to his "children." But he's not horrible.
The donor conceived children's stories were.... mostly unhappy. It seemed like they were either children of SMCs or from a long time ago when donation wasn't open. In my opinion, these children are the ones most likely to feel angry about their conceptions.
I see another donor who has the good attitude. I will talk if a donor conceived child if he or she wants, but I'm not going to force myself on a child.
One dc woman does have a dad. She calls her donor Dad and her father Dad. She thinks of herself as having two fathers. This is making me feel pretty ambivalent.
Granted the reasons for conception are different, but I imagine an adopted child would feel similarly about his or her biological parents. I understand the curiosity and the need to meet the donor. I believe in open donors. Our current donor isn't open, but isn't open for the right reason. And has a family member that is donor conceived and I think if we express an interest down the road, I think he would understand.
The pediatrician's wife is also a pediatrician. I like them. They're good. They understand the idea of donor conception well. They don't over condemn, and they don't idealize.
This part is about donor siblings meeting. They are both only children of SMCs. I totally understand these people and why they have a need to meet each other.
So the siblings are talking about a void in their lives being conceived this way. That she, as an only child, was amazed at being able to look into someone else's face and see herself. Well, we have lost this, too. And donor sperm is how we are trying to allow ourselves to have a child, even if that child can't see himself in my husbands face, or we can't see my husband's face in our children.
All I want to say is, the hurt goes both ways, folks.
The pediatrician talked about regulation of the industry. It needs to be regulated better. No argument from me. He also talked about being paid for donation -- how blood donors are not paid (Is that 100% true? They used to get paid.) so why should sperm donors. This is something I think about, too. And I know that other countries do not allow payment for donating gametes. It's a valid point to bring up, though I am not expressing an opinion about that one.
Why were all the dc children women, except for the male reunion sibling? And why aren't egg donors discussed?
They leave with info about the DSR.
All and all, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. The choice of dc people was not quite as diverse as I would have hoped. It would have been nice if they had an adult who, while certainly curious about the donor, doesn't think of the donor as a father and thinks of his or her FATHER as his or her father. I know they exist. I have emailed a couple of them. I have a friend who was donor conceived and didn't find out until she was an adult who feels that way.
But all and all, it could definitely have been worse.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
New day, New donor
Blood test is out of the way. We are on to a new donor.
We weren't as picky this time around. We still believe that personality is more important that looks, but this donor is a big guy, just like my T is a big guy. He is strong in math, just like my sweetie is. He reported that he is stubborn, and my dear T has a stubborn streak, himself. He has at least one reported pregnancy, which our last donor did not. He had a family member who suffered from infertility and has a niece who was born via a donor, and that's when he decided to donate himself. He is not an open donor, but we are just going to live with that. His reason for not being open was that the parents that raise the child are the baby's real parents, and he doesn't think he should get involved. I can respect that. Though, if this works out and we would contact him one day, I hope he would be amenable.
Choosing was easier and much faster than I had anticipated. Our last stab at it was long and painful. I guess it's easier the second time around. We bought 4 vials.
I am still planning on using injectables. I'm terrified of multiples, but that feels sort of silly. I really don't want to have multiples. I know a lot of women think twins are great, but I don't. If I ended up with twins, I'd be okay with it, even though it wouldn't be my first choice. But I am completely and utterly terrified of more than that. I guess I shouldn't worry about it since I'm such a poor responder to injectables anyway.
Here's hoping that this guy works.
We weren't as picky this time around. We still believe that personality is more important that looks, but this donor is a big guy, just like my T is a big guy. He is strong in math, just like my sweetie is. He reported that he is stubborn, and my dear T has a stubborn streak, himself. He has at least one reported pregnancy, which our last donor did not. He had a family member who suffered from infertility and has a niece who was born via a donor, and that's when he decided to donate himself. He is not an open donor, but we are just going to live with that. His reason for not being open was that the parents that raise the child are the baby's real parents, and he doesn't think he should get involved. I can respect that. Though, if this works out and we would contact him one day, I hope he would be amenable.
Choosing was easier and much faster than I had anticipated. Our last stab at it was long and painful. I guess it's easier the second time around. We bought 4 vials.
I am still planning on using injectables. I'm terrified of multiples, but that feels sort of silly. I really don't want to have multiples. I know a lot of women think twins are great, but I don't. If I ended up with twins, I'd be okay with it, even though it wouldn't be my first choice. But I am completely and utterly terrified of more than that. I guess I shouldn't worry about it since I'm such a poor responder to injectables anyway.
Here's hoping that this guy works.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Negative
Took a test this morning. Of course, it was negative.
I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. We will find a new donor, probably do three rounds of IUI with injectibles, and then I don't know what. We found that one of the insurance options for T covers a total of 6 IUIs with ovulation induction (lifetime). So, at least we can do a couple of those on T's new insurance policy.
Should I find a new job to get coverage for IVF? That could work. Or should we move forward with one of our adoption options. Honestly, I think we will probably do both.
Meanwhile, we are again, just sad.
I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. We will find a new donor, probably do three rounds of IUI with injectibles, and then I don't know what. We found that one of the insurance options for T covers a total of 6 IUIs with ovulation induction (lifetime). So, at least we can do a couple of those on T's new insurance policy.
Should I find a new job to get coverage for IVF? That could work. Or should we move forward with one of our adoption options. Honestly, I think we will probably do both.
Meanwhile, we are again, just sad.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Getting dark early
It's just after 4 and it's really starting to get dark. Winter is on its way.
It's one week since the dIUI. B00bs are the same. Slightly sore, but nothing notable. Not much going on in the uterine area. I do feel tender, sometimes, when I sit, but that is most likely leftover swelling from the Cl0mid. I am still hoping to hold out on the pee stick until Tuesday. I'm not very hopeful. But there's a tiny part of me that is. I hate waiting.
I haven't done much in the searching for what we're going to do if this cycle fails. We really need to go over donors to pick a new one, but we haven't even looked again at the finalists from last time around. I did read some adoption brochures. They made me cry.
Embryo donation is more expensive than I anticipated. It looks like it's close to $3000 just to get the embryos. Then we'd have to pay for meds and for the transfer. So, I'm guessing that the final total will be in the neighborhood of $7000 - $10,000. I'm not sure it's that much less expensive than IVF with my own eggs, so... I don't know. We're still in the beginning stages of all of this. I don't know how much FET meds are. No stims, I guess, so maybe it would be cheaper than the overall total I've mentioned, but I'm not sure. Needless to say, it isn't sounding that great at this time. But it's still on our radar.
I'm thinking of cleaning the kitchen and then making cookies. Oatmeal Scotchies, I think.
It's one week since the dIUI. B00bs are the same. Slightly sore, but nothing notable. Not much going on in the uterine area. I do feel tender, sometimes, when I sit, but that is most likely leftover swelling from the Cl0mid. I am still hoping to hold out on the pee stick until Tuesday. I'm not very hopeful. But there's a tiny part of me that is. I hate waiting.
I haven't done much in the searching for what we're going to do if this cycle fails. We really need to go over donors to pick a new one, but we haven't even looked again at the finalists from last time around. I did read some adoption brochures. They made me cry.
Embryo donation is more expensive than I anticipated. It looks like it's close to $3000 just to get the embryos. Then we'd have to pay for meds and for the transfer. So, I'm guessing that the final total will be in the neighborhood of $7000 - $10,000. I'm not sure it's that much less expensive than IVF with my own eggs, so... I don't know. We're still in the beginning stages of all of this. I don't know how much FET meds are. No stims, I guess, so maybe it would be cheaper than the overall total I've mentioned, but I'm not sure. Needless to say, it isn't sounding that great at this time. But it's still on our radar.
I'm thinking of cleaning the kitchen and then making cookies. Oatmeal Scotchies, I think.
Friday, November 02, 2007
dIUI #4 complete
We had the IUI this morning. The sperm count, as usual, was excellent. 38 million, 59% motility, moving in the right direction. The timing should be good, so am I allowed to hope this time? I know I hope every time, but I feel like it is with a good bunch of skepticism. We shall see.
In the meantime, we will pick out a new donor for next cycle, should we need it. My mother also got the name of an adoption agency from a friend of the family. If this cycle doesn't work, I think we may just get some paperwork done so that, if we decide on adoption, we can have paperwork done ahead of time. This friend had a domestic adoption. I really, really want an infant, so it would have to be domestic adoption for us, if that's what we want. I also need to start doing embryo adoption research. Does anybody know anything about it? I thought our RE's office had a program, but they don't. I'm just worried that an embryo adoption place will just be full of fundie freakiness. I don't want to have anything to do with that. And yet, I would be happy to adopt someone's leftover frozen embryos. Why not? Oy.
Has anyone seen the maxi pad commercial with the pad on a mechanical bull? T saw me watching that commercial and just started laughing at the look on my face. What the hell is that about? So, so stupid. Clearly written by men.
In the meantime, we will pick out a new donor for next cycle, should we need it. My mother also got the name of an adoption agency from a friend of the family. If this cycle doesn't work, I think we may just get some paperwork done so that, if we decide on adoption, we can have paperwork done ahead of time. This friend had a domestic adoption. I really, really want an infant, so it would have to be domestic adoption for us, if that's what we want. I also need to start doing embryo adoption research. Does anybody know anything about it? I thought our RE's office had a program, but they don't. I'm just worried that an embryo adoption place will just be full of fundie freakiness. I don't want to have anything to do with that. And yet, I would be happy to adopt someone's leftover frozen embryos. Why not? Oy.
Has anyone seen the maxi pad commercial with the pad on a mechanical bull? T saw me watching that commercial and just started laughing at the look on my face. What the hell is that about? So, so stupid. Clearly written by men.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Trigger
My trigger shot is tonight. At my ultrasound I had two mature follicles, one at 22 mm and one at 21 mm. This is the first time I've ever felt good about an ultrasound. I was hoping for two follicles, but sort of expecting only one. Two is good. I'm happy with two.
The IUI is Friday. Both T and I are taking the day off.
If this doesn't work, we are going to switch donors, so we have to go back to the drawing board with finding someone we both think is good. We will first go over some of the choices we made last time.
If this doesn't work, we will also try to do injectibles next month, as it is the last time for a while that they might be covered by insurance. Our RE thinks this is reasonable.
Tonight we will be handing out candy. I just finished the jack-o-lantern. I want to go pick out a costume to wear, but I don't know if I'll actually do that. T is feeling down. He's already sad about the cute kids that will come to our door. Also, there is a baby shower for his boss at work tomorrow. He's hoping he can make himself scarce at that time. I hope he can too.
I also hope we give away all the candy we bought because if we don't, I'll just eat it all. And no one needs that.
The IUI is Friday. Both T and I are taking the day off.
If this doesn't work, we are going to switch donors, so we have to go back to the drawing board with finding someone we both think is good. We will first go over some of the choices we made last time.
If this doesn't work, we will also try to do injectibles next month, as it is the last time for a while that they might be covered by insurance. Our RE thinks this is reasonable.
Tonight we will be handing out candy. I just finished the jack-o-lantern. I want to go pick out a costume to wear, but I don't know if I'll actually do that. T is feeling down. He's already sad about the cute kids that will come to our door. Also, there is a baby shower for his boss at work tomorrow. He's hoping he can make himself scarce at that time. I hope he can too.
I also hope we give away all the candy we bought because if we don't, I'll just eat it all. And no one needs that.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Again, Better
Well, I didn't feel well yesterday, so I stayed home from work and mostly searched for a new donor. And I found one. A much, much better one. His coloring is much more like T's. He seems smart in the same way T is. And the best part is, he's an open donor. That means when our children are older, if they want to find a way to contact the donor, they will be able to. This was important to us. While I'm sure we will be perfectly happy if our children express absolutely no interest in our donor, it is natural to have curiosity about the biology behind your existence, and we wanted it to be up to our children to decide how to proceed in contacting or not contacting the donor.
I am feeling much, much better about the donor decision now. I feel much closer to the, "This is the guy," feeling than I did with the other donor. T agrees that this guy is, hands down, our best choice.
I was able to sleep last night (with a little help from Ty.lenol PM) and this morning I am still convinced that we found our donor. This is a much better decision.
Now I get to start worrying about whether the sperm will be available or not.
I am feeling much, much better about the donor decision now. I feel much closer to the, "This is the guy," feeling than I did with the other donor. T agrees that this guy is, hands down, our best choice.
I was able to sleep last night (with a little help from Ty.lenol PM) and this morning I am still convinced that we found our donor. This is a much better decision.
Now I get to start worrying about whether the sperm will be available or not.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Trouble
We both have had trouble sleeping lately. I've been waking up at around 3 am and haven't been able to go back to sleep for an hour or two. This happened again last night, and when I got up to pee, T was awake. I freaked out. I confessed that I had reservations about the donor we chose. I just feel like he looks too different from us or something. I'm not exactly sure. So, I was crying in bed for about a half an hour. I feel so guilty about feeling bad. Isn't it T who should be doing the suffering?
T is the most wonderful man in the world. When I told him I had reservations about our donor guy, he just said, 'Well, then we'll pick a different one." He said we both had to feel good about the decision because it's such a huge one. I expressed concern because the one we chose was T's favorite, but he said we had to compromise to come to a decision that both of us can live with. I tried so hard to accept this donor -- he's really not bad -- and I tried to compromise because I thought this was the donor that T wanted. But I suck at compromise. I am afraid that with this gut feeling of mine, T is compromising and I am not. That's not fair. I don't want that. But T said we had to go with my gut feeling because gut feelings are important.
So, we're kind of looking again. I just wish I knew how to choose. I think I need the person to look just a little bit like T somehow. Though, I'm not sure how. I suppose there's a chance that we'll go back to our original choice, but I'm just not ready to commit yet.
And as far as the waiting goes, I am self-medicating with BCPs. I have about two more weeks of BCPs, but I can always stay on them for another week or two. This gives me a little bit more flexibility with timing. So, I will stay on BCPs until we both feel comfortable with our decision, and then we will more forward.
I always wanted to try DI before adoption for several reasons. I get to experience pregnancy and delivery, we will have a newborn, it is less expensive, and we have more choice. This last one, choice, is turning out to be a real bitch. These choices are so difficult, and I don't know how to go about making them. But the choice needs to be made. All we can do is keep going.
UPDATE
T just found out that his ex-girlfriend, the one right before me, is pregnant. She and her bf aren't married yet. She's older than T, and we knew she wants to have kids, but all we can say to this is, "For fuck's sake!"
T is the most wonderful man in the world. When I told him I had reservations about our donor guy, he just said, 'Well, then we'll pick a different one." He said we both had to feel good about the decision because it's such a huge one. I expressed concern because the one we chose was T's favorite, but he said we had to compromise to come to a decision that both of us can live with. I tried so hard to accept this donor -- he's really not bad -- and I tried to compromise because I thought this was the donor that T wanted. But I suck at compromise. I am afraid that with this gut feeling of mine, T is compromising and I am not. That's not fair. I don't want that. But T said we had to go with my gut feeling because gut feelings are important.
So, we're kind of looking again. I just wish I knew how to choose. I think I need the person to look just a little bit like T somehow. Though, I'm not sure how. I suppose there's a chance that we'll go back to our original choice, but I'm just not ready to commit yet.
And as far as the waiting goes, I am self-medicating with BCPs. I have about two more weeks of BCPs, but I can always stay on them for another week or two. This gives me a little bit more flexibility with timing. So, I will stay on BCPs until we both feel comfortable with our decision, and then we will more forward.
I always wanted to try DI before adoption for several reasons. I get to experience pregnancy and delivery, we will have a newborn, it is less expensive, and we have more choice. This last one, choice, is turning out to be a real bitch. These choices are so difficult, and I don't know how to go about making them. But the choice needs to be made. All we can do is keep going.
UPDATE
T just found out that his ex-girlfriend, the one right before me, is pregnant. She and her bf aren't married yet. She's older than T, and we knew she wants to have kids, but all we can say to this is, "For fuck's sake!"
Thursday, July 12, 2007
What is normal?
We have submitted most of our paperwork to the cryobank where the sperm we are hoping to use is sitting in a vault, frozen. I sort of feel like I should be excited, but I am not. I do not, however, want to wait to move forward. I need to do this now.
I've read some people find their donor and just "know" it -- like love at first sight. I do not feel that way about our donor. He's just there. He seems fine. He is smart. He is in a similar line of work as T. He expressed a willingness to be known to the children that are created by his sperm. He seems to have a reasonable personality, but he doesn't really look like T. He doesn't have the cutest baby picture, but the people at the bank said he is good looking as an adult. He has some family medical history that isn't the greatest, but it's not too bad. He is soft-spoken. There he is.
I don't want to think about him much. Is this how I'm supposed to feel? Should I be excited? I really only feel sad.
I am still incredibly saddened by all of this. I know that this is normal. We are suffering a big loss. I know we aren't the only people in the world dealing with this, but I can't help almost feeling like a freak. I have never known anyone who has used donor gametes before. I know a few now, and I do find some comfort in that, but I absolutely cannot say that I am excited or I am looking forward to this or that it feels 'normal' yet. I know it will some day, but that day is not today.
My guess is that people are going to again suggest that we wait a little, but I am not willing to do that. My friend E's baby turned one a couple of weeks ago, and we were pregnant at the same time and due 4 months apart. I will not be childless by the time that child turns two. I think it will kill me. Besides, I am 35 and T is thinking about his 37th (even though it isn't until December) and we are not getting any younger. We want to have two children. Every month counts. I will not wait any longer.
T wasn't feeling well the last couple of days, and I think I may have caught whatever he had. My throat is sore, and I haven't slept well in a couple of days. I'm hoping I can go to bed early tonight.
I've read some people find their donor and just "know" it -- like love at first sight. I do not feel that way about our donor. He's just there. He seems fine. He is smart. He is in a similar line of work as T. He expressed a willingness to be known to the children that are created by his sperm. He seems to have a reasonable personality, but he doesn't really look like T. He doesn't have the cutest baby picture, but the people at the bank said he is good looking as an adult. He has some family medical history that isn't the greatest, but it's not too bad. He is soft-spoken. There he is.
I don't want to think about him much. Is this how I'm supposed to feel? Should I be excited? I really only feel sad.
I am still incredibly saddened by all of this. I know that this is normal. We are suffering a big loss. I know we aren't the only people in the world dealing with this, but I can't help almost feeling like a freak. I have never known anyone who has used donor gametes before. I know a few now, and I do find some comfort in that, but I absolutely cannot say that I am excited or I am looking forward to this or that it feels 'normal' yet. I know it will some day, but that day is not today.
My guess is that people are going to again suggest that we wait a little, but I am not willing to do that. My friend E's baby turned one a couple of weeks ago, and we were pregnant at the same time and due 4 months apart. I will not be childless by the time that child turns two. I think it will kill me. Besides, I am 35 and T is thinking about his 37th (even though it isn't until December) and we are not getting any younger. We want to have two children. Every month counts. I will not wait any longer.
T wasn't feeling well the last couple of days, and I think I may have caught whatever he had. My throat is sore, and I haven't slept well in a couple of days. I'm hoping I can go to bed early tonight.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Slightly better
I'm feeling slightly better today. I think we're going with choice number 1 -- not the closest in looks, but close in personality. When given the choice between the two, we think we're rather have our kids fit in personality wise more than looks wise. When T and I talked about adoption, T's biggest fear was not identifying with the kid's personality. I think this choice reduces that fear for T. I have printed out the paperwork from the bank so that we can get started.
I went to my career counselor today. I sort of freaked out and told her that I need a short term job solution, not a long term one. I have too much going on to try and spend time figuring out what to do with my life. My attention span is shot. I don't have energy to focus on my ideal job. My energy is focused elsewhere right now. I just want to do some concrete work, though I decided that being a cashier probably isn't the best idea when I might get pregnant. I was thinking of doing law dictophone work (thanks to a suggestion from LIW), but I am afraid of sitting at home and drowning in sadness and the unknown. I do much better when I am around other people and busy talking to them. We did some work on my resume and she helped me a bit with my cover letters. I found one job that I will apply to, but I need to look for more. I look and look and look and I don't seem to find anything I feel like I can do right now. I think she's going to help me with that too.
So, I guess our donor is chosen. We need to work on the paperwork to get this moving. I'm starting to go part time in a week and a half. Things are changing, and I hope it's for the better.
I went to my career counselor today. I sort of freaked out and told her that I need a short term job solution, not a long term one. I have too much going on to try and spend time figuring out what to do with my life. My attention span is shot. I don't have energy to focus on my ideal job. My energy is focused elsewhere right now. I just want to do some concrete work, though I decided that being a cashier probably isn't the best idea when I might get pregnant. I was thinking of doing law dictophone work (thanks to a suggestion from LIW), but I am afraid of sitting at home and drowning in sadness and the unknown. I do much better when I am around other people and busy talking to them. We did some work on my resume and she helped me a bit with my cover letters. I found one job that I will apply to, but I need to look for more. I look and look and look and I don't seem to find anything I feel like I can do right now. I think she's going to help me with that too.
So, I guess our donor is chosen. We need to work on the paperwork to get this moving. I'm starting to go part time in a week and a half. Things are changing, and I hope it's for the better.
Monday, July 09, 2007
I feel frozen
We're back from our mini vacation. It was definitely nice to get away, and the weather was beautiful. We ate lots of food and ice cream, and we relaxed. We saw some birds and did a lot of reading, and of course I did a bunch of crafting. Needless to say, we are not excited about returning to work tomorrow.
We are still feeling sad, on and off. We are still trying to choose a donor, but we are having trouble. We didn't think too much about it this weekend, but upon arriving home I wanted to look at our candidates again. While looking, I just decided I didn't like any of them. I am on the mailing list for a "donor sibling registry" discussion group, and there is so much negativity on there, it's really freaking me out. Donor conceived children are complaining about their origins. Single mothers by choice are freaking out about their choice to bring a child into the world. People are complaining about the sperm banks and their screening processes. People have had experiences with samples having low sperm counts. I can go on. It's really depressing me. I feel like I need to stop reading all of this, but I can't. I want as much information as I can get so I can be prepared. This is just so hard. How do I choose the genes that are going to replace my husband's?
We purchased audio interviews of our top 3 candidates and we listened to them again today. I guess they're not so bad. We have 2 top candidates. I think our #1 candidate doesn't look that much like T, but it seems his personality is more like T's, we think. The #2 candidate looks a bit more like T, I think, but has a few personality traits that are pretty different. I just don't know how we're going to do this. How are we going to decide? Are we supposed to just close our eyes and point?
I need to contact the sperm bank so that we can work out our paperwork. I don't want to miss an opportunity for a cycle. But we need to decide first. Though, both our candidates are at one specific bank -- we haven't been able to find anyone we like at a different sperm bank. The UIs (user interface -- the way the searches work) is so different for each bank, and we have ended up finding this bank the most user friendly. It seems that we are looking for different characteristics than most other people. Hair and eye color and ethnicity are not the most important characteristics for us. It is difficult to wade through to find the information we want.
And in the end, no one is T and no one is good enough. We keep second guessing ourselves and our decisions that took us to this place. We have read recently that IVF fertilization favors unhealthy embryos in people with genetic disorders, so we are wondering if we should have just had sex with multiple follicles to see if we could get lucky that way. I know it's unreasonable to think this way, but we feel frozen, like we can't move on and can't decide.
This is so hard. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. We're still not sure about where we are going to do the insemination. Our current clinic charges more than twice as much as the one where there is all that red tape. I still think we can try at home, but I haven't brought it up with T again. I am overwhelmed. I feel like I can't go forward. I want to have a baby with my husband. I don't know what to do.
We are still feeling sad, on and off. We are still trying to choose a donor, but we are having trouble. We didn't think too much about it this weekend, but upon arriving home I wanted to look at our candidates again. While looking, I just decided I didn't like any of them. I am on the mailing list for a "donor sibling registry" discussion group, and there is so much negativity on there, it's really freaking me out. Donor conceived children are complaining about their origins. Single mothers by choice are freaking out about their choice to bring a child into the world. People are complaining about the sperm banks and their screening processes. People have had experiences with samples having low sperm counts. I can go on. It's really depressing me. I feel like I need to stop reading all of this, but I can't. I want as much information as I can get so I can be prepared. This is just so hard. How do I choose the genes that are going to replace my husband's?
We purchased audio interviews of our top 3 candidates and we listened to them again today. I guess they're not so bad. We have 2 top candidates. I think our #1 candidate doesn't look that much like T, but it seems his personality is more like T's, we think. The #2 candidate looks a bit more like T, I think, but has a few personality traits that are pretty different. I just don't know how we're going to do this. How are we going to decide? Are we supposed to just close our eyes and point?
I need to contact the sperm bank so that we can work out our paperwork. I don't want to miss an opportunity for a cycle. But we need to decide first. Though, both our candidates are at one specific bank -- we haven't been able to find anyone we like at a different sperm bank. The UIs (user interface -- the way the searches work) is so different for each bank, and we have ended up finding this bank the most user friendly. It seems that we are looking for different characteristics than most other people. Hair and eye color and ethnicity are not the most important characteristics for us. It is difficult to wade through to find the information we want.
And in the end, no one is T and no one is good enough. We keep second guessing ourselves and our decisions that took us to this place. We have read recently that IVF fertilization favors unhealthy embryos in people with genetic disorders, so we are wondering if we should have just had sex with multiple follicles to see if we could get lucky that way. I know it's unreasonable to think this way, but we feel frozen, like we can't move on and can't decide.
This is so hard. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. We're still not sure about where we are going to do the insemination. Our current clinic charges more than twice as much as the one where there is all that red tape. I still think we can try at home, but I haven't brought it up with T again. I am overwhelmed. I feel like I can't go forward. I want to have a baby with my husband. I don't know what to do.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Thinking
Now that we know we have to choose a donor, the question is how. How do I choose the man whose sperm is going to replace my husbands?
Height, weight, eye and hair color?
Aptitude for math?
Shy but loving?
Blood type and family history?
We can't have everything. What should we sacrifice and what should we insist upon?
Before talking to our RE for follow up, I was sure we would go to one of the AI clinics for insemination. But the process is pretty insane, and I'm not sure if I have the patience for it. I want to do an insemination in about 6 weeks. I have already charted. In fact, I got pregnant three times via charting. We are well educated about this process. We have had every test imaginable, and we just want to move forward. So, after exploring the possibilities, I now want to try insemination from home for at least one cycle. T is not so enthusiastic about this idea. However, I am hoping to change his mind. I want to try one cycle -- just one -- from home. If that doesn't work, then we can go do something more intensive. We have been pregnant on the first try THREE times directly after me going off the pill. I will start the pill as soon as I start bleeding, so I just don't see why we can't do it our way one time. I understand why it leaves a bad taste in T's mouth, but he saw my embryo transfer, and lying there on the table with four people in the room and me spread-eagle and naked from the waist down seems something to avoid if I can.
I have a few 'favorites' from the sperm banks, but T and I have yet to go over them together. we should do that soon because there are bunches of paperwork to take care of before we can have the sperm in our (or the clinic's) grubby little hands.
This is still feeling overwhelming, but I am so eager to leave the depression behind and get the family stuff moving forward. This pain will be reduced when a baby is on the way. I have posted on a donor sperm site, and many have reached out to support me. I appreciate that. They remind me that what is important is that we will love our children more than we can imagine, and that most of the time we won't even think about the donor issue. I know that is true, but I still feel like we have to climb over an emotional hurdle to get there.
This will be my last post for a while. Happy Independence Day to my US friends. We are off to watch fireworks tonight, tomorrow I am visiting E and baby S (he turned 1 yesterday) and then I will have lunch with the lovely LIW. Then, Thursday night we are taking the ferry to Martha's Vineyard and won't be back until Monday night. I may be able to post from the Vineyard, my parents will be around and they don't know about my blog (and I don't want them to), so we shall see.
Height, weight, eye and hair color?
Aptitude for math?
Shy but loving?
Blood type and family history?
We can't have everything. What should we sacrifice and what should we insist upon?
Before talking to our RE for follow up, I was sure we would go to one of the AI clinics for insemination. But the process is pretty insane, and I'm not sure if I have the patience for it. I want to do an insemination in about 6 weeks. I have already charted. In fact, I got pregnant three times via charting. We are well educated about this process. We have had every test imaginable, and we just want to move forward. So, after exploring the possibilities, I now want to try insemination from home for at least one cycle. T is not so enthusiastic about this idea. However, I am hoping to change his mind. I want to try one cycle -- just one -- from home. If that doesn't work, then we can go do something more intensive. We have been pregnant on the first try THREE times directly after me going off the pill. I will start the pill as soon as I start bleeding, so I just don't see why we can't do it our way one time. I understand why it leaves a bad taste in T's mouth, but he saw my embryo transfer, and lying there on the table with four people in the room and me spread-eagle and naked from the waist down seems something to avoid if I can.
I have a few 'favorites' from the sperm banks, but T and I have yet to go over them together. we should do that soon because there are bunches of paperwork to take care of before we can have the sperm in our (or the clinic's) grubby little hands.
This is still feeling overwhelming, but I am so eager to leave the depression behind and get the family stuff moving forward. This pain will be reduced when a baby is on the way. I have posted on a donor sperm site, and many have reached out to support me. I appreciate that. They remind me that what is important is that we will love our children more than we can imagine, and that most of the time we won't even think about the donor issue. I know that is true, but I still feel like we have to climb over an emotional hurdle to get there.
This will be my last post for a while. Happy Independence Day to my US friends. We are off to watch fireworks tonight, tomorrow I am visiting E and baby S (he turned 1 yesterday) and then I will have lunch with the lovely LIW. Then, Thursday night we are taking the ferry to Martha's Vineyard and won't be back until Monday night. I may be able to post from the Vineyard, my parents will be around and they don't know about my blog (and I don't want them to), so we shall see.
Monday, July 02, 2007
beta
As expected, my beta came back negative.
We feel bad. Not depressed per se, but kind of like we don't want to do anything because we don't really see the point. We sit and we know we have things to do, but we have no inner motivation to do anything. I left work a little early, but T, bless his heart, stayed. He always says he can't leave because he has so much to do. While I have no doubts that he does have so much to do, I think he deserves a break, especially on a day such as today.
We are going to Martha's Vineyard this weekend. We're taking Friday and Monday off of work. We will be with my parents (which is fine with me, but may bother T a little bit), but it's still better than sitting at home.
T bought an iPhone for himself this weekend. He really loves it, and yesterday it made him smile a lot. But I somehow doubt he'll be smiling when he comes home today. We think we might go out to dinner and drink some wine.
I feel like this post doesn't really convey how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm writing in this very matter-of-fact manner. And I'm sort of trying to approach this thing in a matter-of-fact way because what else can I do? This is my reality. It's what I have to deal with. My children will not be genetically related to my husband. My children will have half-siblings scattered around the country, possibly the world. The sperm of some man who is not my husband will swim around in my uterus.
I know that once I am pregnant (if such a thing will really happen -- lurking in this world has made me pretty skeptical) that we will be happy, and once we have a baby this won't weigh so heavy, but right now I am feeling pretty damn sorry for myself and my husband. This sucks. I am devastated.
We feel bad. Not depressed per se, but kind of like we don't want to do anything because we don't really see the point. We sit and we know we have things to do, but we have no inner motivation to do anything. I left work a little early, but T, bless his heart, stayed. He always says he can't leave because he has so much to do. While I have no doubts that he does have so much to do, I think he deserves a break, especially on a day such as today.
We are going to Martha's Vineyard this weekend. We're taking Friday and Monday off of work. We will be with my parents (which is fine with me, but may bother T a little bit), but it's still better than sitting at home.
T bought an iPhone for himself this weekend. He really loves it, and yesterday it made him smile a lot. But I somehow doubt he'll be smiling when he comes home today. We think we might go out to dinner and drink some wine.
I feel like this post doesn't really convey how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm writing in this very matter-of-fact manner. And I'm sort of trying to approach this thing in a matter-of-fact way because what else can I do? This is my reality. It's what I have to deal with. My children will not be genetically related to my husband. My children will have half-siblings scattered around the country, possibly the world. The sperm of some man who is not my husband will swim around in my uterus.
I know that once I am pregnant (if such a thing will really happen -- lurking in this world has made me pretty skeptical) that we will be happy, and once we have a baby this won't weigh so heavy, but right now I am feeling pretty damn sorry for myself and my husband. This sucks. I am devastated.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Nope
It was negative. 100% lily white no doubt negative.
I can't say I'm not a little disappointed, but in the end it might be better this way. Having another miscarriage would be worse. Having that tiny bit of hope still there with me is harder. Now we can just mourn our losses and move on. Don't know what those twinges were. In fact, after I got the negative and went back to bed, I felt one. I kind of want to stop taking the progesterone now, but I feel like I have to wait until after the blood test. Is that stupid?
T is still sleeping. I know he is sad, but his response was, "Well, at least we have an answer," so I guess we can now look a donors together.
Even though I've expected to move on to donor all along, it's still a really weird concept to me. But we are going to do this together, and in the end, when we have a baby, it will all be worth it.
I can't say I'm not a little disappointed, but in the end it might be better this way. Having another miscarriage would be worse. Having that tiny bit of hope still there with me is harder. Now we can just mourn our losses and move on. Don't know what those twinges were. In fact, after I got the negative and went back to bed, I felt one. I kind of want to stop taking the progesterone now, but I feel like I have to wait until after the blood test. Is that stupid?
T is still sleeping. I know he is sad, but his response was, "Well, at least we have an answer," so I guess we can now look a donors together.
Even though I've expected to move on to donor all along, it's still a really weird concept to me. But we are going to do this together, and in the end, when we have a baby, it will all be worth it.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
It's hot
It's extremely hot in the Boston area today. It hit 94 (and humid) at the airport. We are having the outside of our house painted, and apparently the heat and humidity kept the painters away. We decided it was time to put in the air conditioning units. It's helping, but slowly. Hopefully it will be cool enough to sleep tonight. I don't love air conditioning, but on a night like this, it is nice.
T came to therapy with me this morning. We talked a lot about the implications of sperm donation. We did tell her our story, and she did snicker in that "If it weren't so sad it would be funny," kind of way (which is how T and I are feeling about this whole thing right now). One of the things I really like about my therapist (D) is she doesn't give us that false, "Well, you never know!" attitude that the nurses at our RE's office do. T and I are realists. We realize that this IVF working out is quite remote, and we need to make contingency plans. When I say to D, "We think this isn't going to work," she will reply, "Well, it probably won't." I like that.
We are planning to tell our child that s/he is donor conceived. T and I have agreed on this all along, and we think it is what is best for the child and for us. We don't want to walk around worried that our child will 'discover' his/her true origins. We want our child to always know that this is where s/he came from, and think that it is a normal part of who s/he is. But we always figured that though it isn't a secret, it just wouldn't come up much.
What we didn't think about is how three year olds like to share things they know with random people. So, when said three year old goes to preschool, we will have to prepare the teachers for if or when that information comes up. We don't want to put our kid in a situation where, if for some reason s/he comes out with this info that a different adult will try and 'correct' what our kid has been told. I just hadn't thought about stuff like that before. It's weird.
As far has how I'm feeling 3dp5dt, my b00bs are sore, which they were before transfer due to all the progesterone I'm shoving up my hoo-ha. I'm definitely feeling something in my uterus, but I can't say that it's 'twinges' or 'cramps.' I have had one or two cramps today, but in general I'm just aware that my uterus is there. It sort of feels heavy. I can't explain it more than that. I've also been tired and somewhat cranky, but when it's 94 and humid, everybody feels that way.
I went to see the career counselor today as well. I think it was good. I think she will help me. She will help me get out of the trap I feel I am in right now, and then she will help me head toward some work that I will want to do in the future. I liked her. She gave me homework. I think that's good.
So, all and all I think we're doing pretty well, all things considered.
Oh, and here's a caterpillar I crocheted.
T came to therapy with me this morning. We talked a lot about the implications of sperm donation. We did tell her our story, and she did snicker in that "If it weren't so sad it would be funny," kind of way (which is how T and I are feeling about this whole thing right now). One of the things I really like about my therapist (D) is she doesn't give us that false, "Well, you never know!" attitude that the nurses at our RE's office do. T and I are realists. We realize that this IVF working out is quite remote, and we need to make contingency plans. When I say to D, "We think this isn't going to work," she will reply, "Well, it probably won't." I like that.
We are planning to tell our child that s/he is donor conceived. T and I have agreed on this all along, and we think it is what is best for the child and for us. We don't want to walk around worried that our child will 'discover' his/her true origins. We want our child to always know that this is where s/he came from, and think that it is a normal part of who s/he is. But we always figured that though it isn't a secret, it just wouldn't come up much.
What we didn't think about is how three year olds like to share things they know with random people. So, when said three year old goes to preschool, we will have to prepare the teachers for if or when that information comes up. We don't want to put our kid in a situation where, if for some reason s/he comes out with this info that a different adult will try and 'correct' what our kid has been told. I just hadn't thought about stuff like that before. It's weird.
As far has how I'm feeling 3dp5dt, my b00bs are sore, which they were before transfer due to all the progesterone I'm shoving up my hoo-ha. I'm definitely feeling something in my uterus, but I can't say that it's 'twinges' or 'cramps.' I have had one or two cramps today, but in general I'm just aware that my uterus is there. It sort of feels heavy. I can't explain it more than that. I've also been tired and somewhat cranky, but when it's 94 and humid, everybody feels that way.
I went to see the career counselor today as well. I think it was good. I think she will help me. She will help me get out of the trap I feel I am in right now, and then she will help me head toward some work that I will want to do in the future. I liked her. She gave me homework. I think that's good.
So, all and all I think we're doing pretty well, all things considered.
Oh, and here's a caterpillar I crocheted.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Trying to cope
Our embryo transfer is scheduled for Saturday. I also scheduled acupuncture. I expect the whole thing to be canceled, but it's scheduled just in case.
I have received a few comments from those of you who have had transfers after retrieving 5 or fewer eggs and/or having 3 or fewer eggs fertilize. While I appreciate your positivity, what you are not realizing is we are doing PGD for a balanced translocation. Without going into details about what that means (you can click on the link of you like) what it boils down to is that only about 10% of embryos are healthy. So, with three embryos there is about a 3% chance that one of our embryos is healthy. This is why I am so negative about there being a transfer. Oh, and if, by some miracle one of these embryos is healthy, there is then a 50% chance that I will pass this translocation on to our child so that he or she will have the same infertility issues that we are having.
Poor T is despondent over all of this. He really thinks everything will not be okay in the end. I hate to see him like this, in such pain. I feel like it's sort of crazy that all of this stuff is happening to us. I just can't believe it. I know it will get easier as time passes, but being in stuck in the middle of it all right now is just awful. We had talked about trying on our own again before moving on to donor, but I'm not sure I think that is the right thing any more. I want to think about these things, but I want to give T some space to grieve. We haven't even received the final answer yet.
So I think I'm not going to try to talk to him about it until after Saturday when we get the final word and then give him a few more days. We are going to my therapist together on Tuesday, so maybe that will help a little in starting the conversation.
I started looking at donors again yesterday. There are a couple that look okay. But as I'm going through these donors, I still can't believe that T isn't going to be biologically related to this child.
I worry about how the child will react to being donor conceived. I am also starting to get worried about whether I can still get pregnant or not. Because I am such a poor responder to the medications, that is not a good indicator of my future fertility. It may take months for me to get pregnant again. Should I even try to get pregnant without some medication?
At work, I was completely unable to focus on anything. Neither my boss nor any of my coworkers were in today. I was tempted to just leave, but we had a volunteer coming in this afternoon. I did have some things to work on, but as I have no ability to focus, I can't seem to force myself to try and work on anything. After waiting for the volunteer to arrive for a long, long time, I decided I couldn't wait any more and I finally left. She arrived about 20 minutes after I left. Sigh.
I have sent out several resumes, but I have only heard back from one place, and I determined it was not the right job for me. I contacted two career counselors. The first one was very expensive, so I wasn't sure about going, but the second one seemed much more reasonable, so I have an appointment with her next week. There are very few jobs that I want without additional training, and my resume just doesn't motivate people to contact me, except for research jobs, which I don't feel like I want any more.
This is all so overwhelming. I'm having trouble reconciling it all. All I want to do is sit at home and craft. But I go to work, waste time and get paid for it. I just feel like everything is a waste.
Update:
T informed me that I forgot to tell his work story today. In the managers' meeting at his work, his boss announced another pregnancy in the group (a close co-worker's wife) and then he said something like, "How many does that make in the last year?" and they proceeded to count off all of the offspring that had been born. And to top that off, one of his co-workers brought in his baby and was showing him off. I told T to go downstairs to get away from the oo-ing and ah-ing. He did, but when T came back upstairs, the new dad was there with the kid saying, "Oh! Here's T! We haven't seen him yet!" Poor T.
I have received a few comments from those of you who have had transfers after retrieving 5 or fewer eggs and/or having 3 or fewer eggs fertilize. While I appreciate your positivity, what you are not realizing is we are doing PGD for a balanced translocation. Without going into details about what that means (you can click on the link of you like) what it boils down to is that only about 10% of embryos are healthy. So, with three embryos there is about a 3% chance that one of our embryos is healthy. This is why I am so negative about there being a transfer. Oh, and if, by some miracle one of these embryos is healthy, there is then a 50% chance that I will pass this translocation on to our child so that he or she will have the same infertility issues that we are having.
Poor T is despondent over all of this. He really thinks everything will not be okay in the end. I hate to see him like this, in such pain. I feel like it's sort of crazy that all of this stuff is happening to us. I just can't believe it. I know it will get easier as time passes, but being in stuck in the middle of it all right now is just awful. We had talked about trying on our own again before moving on to donor, but I'm not sure I think that is the right thing any more. I want to think about these things, but I want to give T some space to grieve. We haven't even received the final answer yet.
So I think I'm not going to try to talk to him about it until after Saturday when we get the final word and then give him a few more days. We are going to my therapist together on Tuesday, so maybe that will help a little in starting the conversation.
I started looking at donors again yesterday. There are a couple that look okay. But as I'm going through these donors, I still can't believe that T isn't going to be biologically related to this child.
I worry about how the child will react to being donor conceived. I am also starting to get worried about whether I can still get pregnant or not. Because I am such a poor responder to the medications, that is not a good indicator of my future fertility. It may take months for me to get pregnant again. Should I even try to get pregnant without some medication?
At work, I was completely unable to focus on anything. Neither my boss nor any of my coworkers were in today. I was tempted to just leave, but we had a volunteer coming in this afternoon. I did have some things to work on, but as I have no ability to focus, I can't seem to force myself to try and work on anything. After waiting for the volunteer to arrive for a long, long time, I decided I couldn't wait any more and I finally left. She arrived about 20 minutes after I left. Sigh.
I have sent out several resumes, but I have only heard back from one place, and I determined it was not the right job for me. I contacted two career counselors. The first one was very expensive, so I wasn't sure about going, but the second one seemed much more reasonable, so I have an appointment with her next week. There are very few jobs that I want without additional training, and my resume just doesn't motivate people to contact me, except for research jobs, which I don't feel like I want any more.
This is all so overwhelming. I'm having trouble reconciling it all. All I want to do is sit at home and craft. But I go to work, waste time and get paid for it. I just feel like everything is a waste.
Update:
T informed me that I forgot to tell his work story today. In the managers' meeting at his work, his boss announced another pregnancy in the group (a close co-worker's wife) and then he said something like, "How many does that make in the last year?" and they proceeded to count off all of the offspring that had been born. And to top that off, one of his co-workers brought in his baby and was showing him off. I told T to go downstairs to get away from the oo-ing and ah-ing. He did, but when T came back upstairs, the new dad was there with the kid saying, "Oh! Here's T! We haven't seen him yet!" Poor T.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
fertilization
Only 3 fertilized.
It's pretty much over.
T and I will not be having biological children together.
It's on to the next step. Sperm donation.
We will get the final word on Saturday.
It's pretty much over.
T and I will not be having biological children together.
It's on to the next step. Sperm donation.
We will get the final word on Saturday.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
trigger
Talked to the RE. I am a poor responder (duh) and likely have low ovarian reserve, even though my FSH didn't show that. Maybe I've really deteriorated over the last year. I think I haven't had a test in about a year. But this is excellent news in time for my 35th birthday. Hurray!
Tonight is trigger. I have a 23, a 20, an almost 16, a 15, a 12 and a 10. So maybe, just maybe, that's 4 eggs. I had seriously considered canceling, but T and I really thought about it and discussed, and we're going ahead with the retrieval on Saturday. We'll see what we get from that. We'll do PGD anyway -- we did it with two embryos last time. And we'll see what happens.
And if (when) that one doesn't work, we will have one more go around with diluted Lu*pron, which is a protocol for poor responders. T wants to give it one last go before we quit entirely. I will comply, but in the mean time we are going to seriously look in to donor sperm and adoption. I want to have all my ducks in a row in case the third round doesn't work. Honestly, I think we are a lost cause, but since there is one last protocol we can try, I'm willing to try. That way we'll know we tried everything.
This cycle really took it out of me. I've been crying a lot. These cycles are torture. I want it to be over. I'm ready to move on. So we will start taking steps toward our goal of bringing home a child. We will try in several different areas. Eventually, one will work out.
Tonight is trigger. I have a 23, a 20, an almost 16, a 15, a 12 and a 10. So maybe, just maybe, that's 4 eggs. I had seriously considered canceling, but T and I really thought about it and discussed, and we're going ahead with the retrieval on Saturday. We'll see what we get from that. We'll do PGD anyway -- we did it with two embryos last time. And we'll see what happens.
And if (when) that one doesn't work, we will have one more go around with diluted Lu*pron, which is a protocol for poor responders. T wants to give it one last go before we quit entirely. I will comply, but in the mean time we are going to seriously look in to donor sperm and adoption. I want to have all my ducks in a row in case the third round doesn't work. Honestly, I think we are a lost cause, but since there is one last protocol we can try, I'm willing to try. That way we'll know we tried everything.
This cycle really took it out of me. I've been crying a lot. These cycles are torture. I want it to be over. I'm ready to move on. So we will start taking steps toward our goal of bringing home a child. We will try in several different areas. Eventually, one will work out.
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