Happy

We are doing well. Henry still loves Violet and being a big brother. She is growing into a strong, active and aware baby.

Things are very busy, but pretty good. We are working on Henry's behavior issues. He is going to camp at the new school where he will be going to KINDERGARTEN! It is a special ed school where they work on social/emotional/behavioral issues in children while still having them participate in a mainstream classroom. It is perfect for him and I am excited for him to be part of that program.

Doing fine

We are doing fine. Violet is growing and growing. She is smiling and laughing and is no longer a newborn blob. She is definitely a baby. She sleeps well and she just loves her big brother. She stares and stares at him.

Her big brother also loves his little sister. He is more of a helper than I ever imagined. He continues to have his own issues and we have been working on them vigorously. We have a special school he will start in the summer and continue in the fall for Kindergarten. We are going to start him on some medication to help him be a little more under control.

So, things are going. They are a bit crazy, but they are going. Finalization is scheduled for mid June.

Home!

Going home!

Finally, finally, finally I get to go home. Finally! I have a plane ticket for 10 am tomorrow morning. I have been in FL for 3 weeks. 

Still in FL

Henry and T flew home Thursday after being here two weeks. Henry needed to go back home and to school. He was falling apart in the hotel room. 

ICPC is taking forever. It's still goong to be 3 or 4 more days. The person who looks at the paperwork is on extended sick leave and they are incredibly behind. 

Luckily my parents are in FL and I rented a car and drove 4 hours with Violet to their apartment to stay. No hotel fee here, and good help with the baby. 

Violet is doing great. 

I want to be home so much. Not being there is killing me. I didn't expect our family to be apart like this. It is so hard. 

Visit

We visited with CC, Henry's birth mom, today. It was a great day. H was hesitant at first but warmed up quickly. He gave her a flower and wanted to show her everything and play with her. He wouldn't give her a hug, but he was happy to see her. He knew she was special to him. 

When I showed him Violet's ultrasounds before she was born, he wanted to know if there were any if him. I never got any, but I told him he could ask CC when we saw her. Guess who remembered to ask today. Henry amazes me all the time. 

So glad we got this time together. 

Here are the kids again. Henry asked to hold Violet every morning so far. 

She is with us

Papers signed. Here, I will call her Violet. Feel free to email for her real name. 

Henry is over the moon. 

Born

She was born today. I watched the whole thing. 

Consents to be signed on Monday. 

Here

Went to the Dr with N & B this morning. Heard the baby's heartbeat. Felt her move. Saw N's belly move as the baby moved inside her. Amazing. I have never seen that before. 

N is going to the hospital tonight to begin the induction proceedings. She should be born before the weekend is over. 

It's sunny & warm. 

Leaving in the morning

I am so nervous. I feel like barfing.

Everything's going to be ok.

Breathe.

Doing better

Hormones are horrible things. They make you go crazy. My hormones have settled a bit and now I am doing better.

I am still nervous like crazy. We fly down tomorrow morning. I spoke with N yesterday and she is ready. She talks about signing the paperwork as if it's nothing. It's strange to me. We do plan on spending time together while we wait for the paperwork so we can go home.

I am hoping for the best.

Going crazy

I'm starting to go nuts here. I think I might have PMS which is making me bloat and feel even more emotional than I already am, but this wait is KILLING me.

I can only think about things going wrong. I really don't think N is going to change her mind, but I know B is having a hard time with it. He may have already signed papers, which is legal in FL, but is this ethical? I'm also afraid about the baby having major health problems. I'm also worried about the unknown paternity. H had a rough weekend and I'm worried about dealing with him and the baby.

I'm just suddenly feeling so fearful and like everything is wrong about this.

It's probably just my hormones freaking me out, but I'm going crazy and not in a good way.

Pushed flight out til Thursday

N went to the doctor. She's only 2 cm and 80% effaced. I asked her if we should delay the flight, and she thought so, so now we aren't leaving until Thursday.  She has an appointment on Friday the 28th and she said I could go with her. So, we will fly out Thursday morning for sure.

If she doesn't go into labor on her own they will schedule her to be induced the following week. So, Thursday is a good day no matter what.

Hopefully she doesn't go into labor on her own before then. She sounded pretty confident that she wouldn't, but I suppose you never know.

More waiting. Ack!

Days feel like years at this point.

Breathing.

Flying down on Sunday

T went to check on hotels in town where the baby will be born. Hotels are booking up quick, so we took a leap of faith and booked hotel and flight for Sunday. We were hoping to wait until Friday after N's doctor's appointment to make sure the time was right, but we feared not getting a hotel room so now it's booked.

Now my big fear is that on Friday the doctor will say to wait a few more weeks. Not sure what we'll do then. I guess just postpone the flight and cancel the hotel booking. More fees. I guess it's only money.

Got a newborn sized doll and we've been practicing playing big brother. Henry is doing quite well. He seems interested and patient about it. I'm guessing it won't last, but at least he's happy about it for now.

We lost our heat for 2 days. It's snowing AGAIN for the 3rd time in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to the warm weather, and I don't even really like summer.

I can't believe this is happening. I'm seriously going to start putting things in suitcases.

Holy crap.

Planning on flying down this weekend

We are planning on flying down this weekend. N has a doctor's appointment on Friday. I'm assuming she will be around 3 cm by then, and we are going to want to go down on Saturday or Sunday. Right now, that is the plan.

Right now, I'm not really sure what to do about birth parent gifts. I bought a necklace for N with the February birth stone on it. I didn't get anything for B, though. But now I'm thinking I want to get them something more customized with her name or her birth date or something like that. Can I send something down for them after the birth? Is there a protocol for this stuff?

I know there are laws about it, but it's my understanding that if a gift is under a certain monetary amount, then it's fine. I've asked our attorney's office about it and that was the answer they gave.

So, these items I'm thinking of customizing are under that monetary value. Can I just mail them to their house? I do have their address.

Just thinking aloud.

N says she's really, really ready to be done being pregnant.

It's just time.

Almost panicked

N called this morning saying the midwife were sending her to the hospital for an ultrasound. She thought the baby wasn't moving as much as she should be. N assured me that the baby was up all night (keeping her up) and the morning was her quiet time and she was sure everything was fine.

Of course, she doesn't live in infertility and baby loss world where I live, so I panicked. And there is a snow storm today and there is no way we could get a flight until Friday night at the earliest and more realistically, Saturday.

She called after the ultrasound. We are not in go mode. She is only 1 1/2cm dilated. The baby looks great. They still want to keep her in utero for a couple more weeks, if possible.

So I panicked, but now I've calmed down. We have a little more time.

Breathe.

Ultrasounds

N mailed us some ultrasounds and a lovely letter. So now we have pictures of this baby in utero. I feel so lucky that this woman is willing to share so much of herself with us for the benefit of this child.

Heartbeat

N called while she was on a monitor and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat.

She's only 1 cm dilated. They're hoping to keep the baby in for 2 more weeks. They told N to take it easy.

Almost go time

Spoke to N today. She reassured me that she would not be changing her mind. She wants me in the delivery room and she wants to see us a few times before we leave for home. She definitely wants to keep in touch, which is more than ok by me.

She says the baby has dropped and she's feeling contractions in her back. She thinks it's only going to be a couple of days before she goes into labor. She has a monitoring appointment tomorrow. She may call for the appointment so I can hear.

There has always been a question of paternity for this baby. She really thought it was B but now that she thinks she might be going into labor, she is unsure. Because B has been there for her throughout her pregnancy, he considers himself the birth father.

This is freaking me out a little bit. The other potential father is African American, so I guess we will figure it out eventually. We have known this all along, and it obviously has pretty huge implications for our family. We may not even know when the baby is born, as complexion changes over time. T and I have discussed this and we know if the baby is biracial then we will have to make some extra effort in our lives that we would not if the baby is white. We are willing to do this. We understand its implications.

But we don't know when to bring this up with our families. We have not mentioned this as a possibility to them, and we don't really want to unless it is necessary.

So, more freaking out by me. N is 37 weeks, according to dates by ultrasound. We think she would be 41 weeks if B is not the father, but who really knows. Dates are difficult to remember about these things.

So much

My father had to have some oral surgery. The night of his surgery (it was day surgery, so he was home) my mother fell down the stairs and broke her pelvis. She didn't call an ambulance until the morning and had to go into a rehab center. She is coming home today. My brothers and I had to go care for my recovering dad while my mom was away. Now we will have to help take care of my mom, though luckily my dad is well enough to help too.

This was last Tuesday. Needless to say, it's been a crazy week.

I hadn't heard from N for a couple weeks, but she finally texted me today. She said the baby is dropping, so it's definitely coming soon. We are basically ready here, except for T at work and Henry having some therapies that don't finish until the 17th. I'm hoping we can wait until after the 17th, but the baby will come when she comes.

So I'm completely freaked out and not relaxed. I'm having a difficult time getting things done.

Two weeks.

3 weeks

The anticipation is killing me. I keep fearing the worst and hoping for the best. N asked if we could have some girl talk on Sunday, but she never answered her phone or called, and she hasn't responded to my texts since then.

I'm sure she's uncomfortable, and she's had a pretty crappy pregnancy, and she told me that she is feeling sad about the upcoming adoption, so I think all of these things factor in to us not communicating much, but it is still freaking me out a little.

Really, things could happen at any time, but I'm thinking it's going to be the week of Feb 18.

Like I said, the anticipation is killing me.

Sigh.

Thanks

Thank you for your reassuring comments. I gave notice to PN and Henry seems excited about it. I made a calendar to show him how many more days he has there and when I pointed to his last day he said, "Yeah! Because I don't like PN!" So I guess he will not suffer any trauma over this.

Meanwhile, we have one month to go until the baby is born.


Edited to add:

Also, I'm scared!

I forget what it's like to have a baby. Diaper blowouts and feeding every couple of hours. Not being able to sit in traffic because it's feeding time.

Henry was an incredibly easy baby. He never cried, he slept all the time. He only woke up once per night after about 8 weeks and by 14 weeks he was sleeping through the night.

I'm 41 years old.

How are we going to do this?!?!

I'm excited too. But this waiting is hard. I just want to be figuring this out already. The anticipation is killing me!

Henry and school

Henry goes to two different schools. He goes to a private nursery (PN) in the morning, twice a week. Then he goes to a public Pre-K program in the afternoons, four times a week. I pick him up at PN and he eats lunch in the car and then I drop him off at Pre-K. It's pretty chaotic.

So, next month there is a week of vacation starting Feb 17. We will probably go to FL for the baby at the end of that week and stay for most of the following week.

He has been having lots of discipline and behavior problems at PN. He started out going four times a week, but he was too much for them to handle and we switched down to the two days where they have the smallest enrollment because he needs so much one on one attention.

So, with him missing half of February and me not know how I can deal with a newborn who will need to feed when I have to drop him off and pick him up and eat in the car, I am thinking about pulling him out of the morning school.

Henry tells me he doesn't really like PN. He seems to like it well enough to me, but when I ask him why he has so much trouble making good choices there, he says it's because he doesn't like it. He likes Pre-K.

When I mentioned to Henry what he thought about not going back to PK, he was all for it.

I told the director of PK that we were thinking of pulling him. She seemed pretty ambivalent about it. I feel pretty ambivalent about it too. I'm not sure if it's a bad idea or not. I do think it will make my life easier. The baby will be home in March. The weather will be getting better. We will be able to play outside in the mornings and we can even walk to Pre-K with the baby in the stroller.

Is it bad to pull Henry out of PK in the middle of the school year? I want somebody to tell me that it's ok to do.

Blah.

In touch

I spoke with N this evening. She is feeling really sick and the reality that this is going to happen soon is hitting her and she is beginning to feel sad about it.

She told me that the doctor said they want to induce her at 39 weeks. Her due date is Feb 28, so looks like it's going to be closer to 5 weeks from now.

Things are on track.

Ack.

More information

The social worker from the attorney's office talked to N again. She reiterated that she is feeling very sick. She said that she has no intentions of keeping the baby at all.

I feel awful. I hope they don't think we are a$$holes.

I feel so helpless and out of control.

The baby is due in 6 weeks.

Nervous

Feeling scared and nervous today. I haven't had a real conversation with N for over a week. She missed her last two doctor's appointments, according to our attorney.

I had two brief voice contacts with her and one today with B, the expectant dad. He answered her cell phone. She clearly didn't want to talk to me, but he sounded like he felt bad that she hadn't called me back at all.

I'm figuring that if they were backing out that he wouldn't have answered the phone at all.

The attorney did have contact with N as well. She said she hasn't been feeling well. B told me that they were about to do laundry and were just very busy.

I don't need to have a long conversation. I just need to know that they are doing ok and that everything is still on track. I need to be sure they haven't decided to back out. If they don't want to talk to me, I understand. That is fine. But if they are thinking of parenting, I hope that they would tell us.

I'm freaking out a bit. I think that she might just be not feeling well and not in a good emotional place, which is completely understandable. But I am still worried.

Visited

Our visit with expectant parents N & B was harrowing, but good. We had a difficult time connecting, more difficult than we had hoped, but when we did finally meet up it was great.

Well, it was really sad. B is having an especially difficult time with the placement. But he said meeting us and seeing us helped him a lot. He knows that they cannot parent this baby right now no matter how much he wishes he could.

We even met N's mom and stepdad and one of her daughters. They are all supportive of the adoption.

They asked us about names. We told them we'd like to meet the baby before deciding, but that we had a few in mind. We asked what they wanted to name the baby and we liked the name a lot. After we got home, we asked if we could use the name they like as a middle name so that the baby could have one name from us and one name from them. They loved that idea.

We cried and hugged. T and I are so glad we decided to go down there.

Seven more weeks.