Sunday, September 30, 2007

Keeping On

Tonight I will take my 3rd dose of Cl0mid for this cycle. Tomorrow morning I will go to work. Tomorrow afternoon I will have in interview for a job that I don't think I want. But I will go and try and be perky anyway. Maybe I'll want it after the interview.

I went clothes shopping yesterday. Ugh. I'm a terrible shopper, but I've been watching "What Not to Wear" so I think I know have a better idea of what kinds of clothes I need and how to look for them. I tried on so many things that I never would have tried on even two months ago. The problem? Nothing fits. These 20-25 lbs I've gained have really hit hard. After 3 hours of shopping I got one skirt, one pair of pants, and one shirt. That's it. I need more.

But none of the shirts fit. When I try on a regular XL shirt, it's usually too small. Then, when I go to the 'Women's' section for plus sizes and try on the smallest size, I absolutely SWIM in the shirts. They are way too huge on me. I don't get it! WTF?? How am I supposed to find a shirt that fits?

I spent some time with a fellow balanced translocation friend yesterday. We had brunch. It was lovely. I was supposed to hang out with E, but she caught a stomach flu, so that didn't happen. T and I went out on a date for dinner and a movie which was nice. We saw Eastern Promises which was good, but was very dark and had at least 2 violent episodes where I had my eyes closed the whole time. Oh, and there was an orphaned infant. The last time we went to see a movie to kind of get lost in another story we saw Pan's Labyrinth, which also contained a pregnant woman who died during childbirth and the baby theme existed, albeit tangentially, throughout the movie. Tangential baby themes seem pervasive in the movies we choose. Not really a good thing. Sometimes I think we shouldn't bother and just stay home and watch TiV0.

No hot flashes yet, though my bbt was up higher this morning. This happened on the Cl0mid last time.

We just keep on keeping on.

Thursday, September 27, 2007


I got a 2 month temp job today. It's a switchboard receptionist type position at a huge insurance company. It's not too exciting or challenging, but it's a job that goes from 8-2. I can teach my class in the afternoon and still keep it. I can schedule interviews in the afternoon and still keep it. The people seem reasonable. I hope this one works out. I will feel better at least bringing in a little bit of money. And I won't sit around thinking too much all day.

I feel relieved about that.

I also have an interview for a full time position on Monday afternoon. And a meeting with a recruiter on Tuesday afternoon. But I have this temp thing going, so I can ride that one as long as I like. They'd probably keep me longer if I want to stay. So I can take a real job if I want, or I can stay temping part time if I want.

Getting there at 8 will be slightly tough. I usually carpool with T, and he drives me to the subway, and he doesn't like getting up early. I'd want to leave the house around 7:15. Don't know if he can be ready by then. But I think we'll try. If not, there is a bus that leaves around then. So I'll have alternate transportation if I need it.

I still feel relieved. Less anxious. That is always a good thing.

I picked up my Cl0mid today. Even though I supposedly worked through the insurance coverage thing, they still didn't cover it. Not a huge deal, but annoying. I still think I can apply for reimbursement for it anyway, so I'm not that annoyed. Only slightly annoyed. But there it is. I start it tomorrow. Hot flashes, here I come.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Oh yeah

I forgot to mention. T's boss's wife had her baby. He's a boy. We think he was conceived while we were in Mexico for T's work vacation. Remember, the one where I was having my third miscarriage? Yeah. So that sucked. Especially for T.



I feel stressed.

I've been thinking about my emotions a lot lately, and I think I might be more depressed than I think I am. I was anxious about leaving the house yesterday. I have small panic attacks reasonably often. I'm freaking out right now about something that isn't worth freaking about. I am having trouble motivating to do routine tasks. I force myself to do them, and once I start I'm okay. But I think I'm really having some troubles here. I need to calm myself.

What is stressing me out right now is work stuff. For the longest time, nothing with potential in the work part of my life has moved forward. But today, all hell has broken loose. I've gotten like 7 calls about jobs today. One is a part-time two (or so) month job from 8-2 that will take me through the knitting class I will start teaching soon. That should be a good thing! But then I freak out about when I will have the IUI and when will I meet with my therapist and how I just can't possibly work a job from 8-2 that doesn't have any flexibility. But T assures me I can get there at 8 without a problem. And we can meet with our therapist in the afternoon. T said he'd make time for it. And I told them I may have one or two doctor's appointments, and she said that would be fine. So, it's okay.

Then I get called from two recruiters about two different jobs. I'm a little overqualified for these jobs, but I think that's okay. I think. At least I might as well interview for them because I don't have to take them. I can simply learn about the positions, and if I don't want them, I don't have to talk them. So I should go for it. In fact, I have an interview on Monday after my new part time job. Why do I not feel more relaxed yet??

I talked to my RE yesterday. He convinced me that the timing of the IUI wasn't a bad one. I sort of changed my mind about that before, but he helped me feel that way with confidence. We talked about the possibility of monitoring, but I'm not convinced that I need it at this time. I think the timing is fine. I just didn't get pregnant. This happens. I'm 35. So, I'm going to use the Cl0mid and the OPKs again this month. I was this close to doing 2 IUIs too, but I'm not ready for that either, yet. Despite that study from 1998, he's completely convinced that newer data show that 2 are not necessary. I'm still going with that for now. But I'm going to either take the OPKs in the afternoon or double up this time. We shall see. If this third one doesn't work, I may very well do the monitoring. I'm just not ready for that yet.

Thanks for all the positive feedback about the hats. I bought some more yarn. Because of all the positivity, I'm definitely going with the $20 plus shipping charge. They are various children's sizes -- 0-6 months, 6-12 months, 2-18 months, 24 months, etc. I could make adult sizes, but I'd have to charge more for those. I'm also working on some baby socks/booties to match some of the hats. I could sell them as a combo. I also have scarves. Maybe I've got something here! But I don't think I could knit as fast as I can sell, and I like to make things for myself, too. But I feel good about this. Thanks.

I'm off to try to de-stress myself. I'm feeling slightly better, but I still have that nervous feeling at the pit of my stomach and my shoulders are tight. I'm going to go work on some socks.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Boring Tuesday

Last night T and I treated ourselves to fancy dinner. We got a gift certificate from my parents about a year and a half ago, and finally went to have the dinner. It was at Blue Ginger which is owned by one of those famous chefs, Ming Tsai. I had the lobster. I can honestly say that I think it was one of the most delicious things I have ever eaten. It had tons of black pepper and garlic, and it brought out the lobster flavor just wonderfully. It was one of those dishes that you take a bite and are just giddy with happiness each time you bring the fork to your mouth. T loves it when I do that. Good food can just make me so happy sometimes. For dessert I had a little cheesecake with bing cherry sorbet. That was wonderful, too. And we had sake. And some delicious spring rolls. We relaxed. We chatted. T had the Alaskan Butterfish. It was delicate and lovely. It was a wonderful dinner. We had a nice time. That is our goal, to have a nice time sometimes.

I'm trying to create a website where I can sell my hats and some other things I've made that I don't have any use for. I'm thinking of selling the hats for $15 or $20 plus shipping. T even bought a domain for me. I'm working on the pages, but I don't really know how all this web stuff works. I suppose it's maybe some good job training to set all of this stuff up. I think maybe I'll set up an eB@y store with a link back to my site.

Here are some hats:

Right now I'm focusing on knitting a vest for myself, though. I'm a very selfish knitter. Oh, and I'm finishing the blanket I crocheted for our living room. Hm, still selfish.

There's absolutely nothing going on in the job front right now. I'm calling the temp agencies and mailing out my resume, but I'm not even getting nibbles. I'm mostly overqualified for all the jobs I feel like having right now. I wonder if that's why things look so bleak. The coffee shop didn't even call me back. I suppose I could go back and talk to the manager again about a job, but I just don't feel like it. I don't want to work evenings or weekends. I just want a nice little office manager job somewhere.

So here I sit, drinking a decaf americano, playing on the computer.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Joni Mitchell

I love to sit and listen to Joni Mitchell and just cry.

Thank you, Joni.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Again, a negative

I had my beta today. As expected, I am not pregnant again. The results turned around in less than an hour and a half, which was pretty impressive. I wasn't expecting the call until later today. This nurse seemed less hesitant than others to give me the bad news. I sometimes wonder if some nurses put off the negatives until the end of their phone calls and others try to get them out of the way first before calling people with updates and positives.

I have to set up another phone call with the RE. I have to decide whether to do 2 IUIs next cycle. Honestly, I'm hesitant to do so. I think I'd rather change the timing of my OPKs. I'm going to start taking them between early afternoon and early evening, and then just schedule the IUI for the next day that way. Or, maybe I'll take 2 OPKs per day -- one in the morning and one in early evening. That way I know know what's going on and schedule accordingly. The OPKs seem to work for me, and using twice as many is still much, much cheaper than using 2 vials of donor sperm.

I don't even know where I am emotionally right now. I have been sad for the past few days, but I don't feel really sad right this second. I guess I'm feeling numb. I can't believe how my IF resume is growing. 3 m/c, 3 failed IVF w/PGD, 2 failed dIUI. All of this has happened in two years. It really boggles my mind.

T and I are starting to talk about donor embryos. We're definitely not there yet, but my way of coping is thinking about next steps. We do have several steps before we get there, but I want to find out what those options are like, how much it costs, how/if we're able to have some choice in the embryo selection and things like that. Before we really get to embryo adoption, we will definitely do more dIUIs with both more Cl0mid and injectibles and we will also look at changing donors and trying again before moving on, so we have a while before we get there. I'm just really losing patience with this process.

I called the temp agency and told them I couldn't go back to that job. I lied about the reason, and the woman didn't sound very pleased with me, but screw that. I needed to get the hell out of there. I know it was the right thing for me to do. So I'll have to call for other jobs tomorrow.

Sometimes I wonder when I'll wake up from this nightmare.

I think I need to start doing yoga or something. Allie Domar says that depression can affect fertility. I'm starting to wonder if I'm the reason I'm not getting pregnant.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

My day at work

So, you know how I was worried that my job was near the Children's Museum? Turns out my worry was justified. I've said before, I hate it when my paranoia proves valid.

The office is in the same building as the museum, but I walk through the door and it says, "Do Not Enter" so I look around the corner. The only way in is through the museum entrance. I walk in and ask, and they say, yeah, go on in. There are scores of toddlers and moms with strollers EVERYWHERE. I go to push the button for the elevator and there's a mom and a kid there. It's the same elevator that the museum uses. I'm practically in tears as I enter.

It's a beautiful day and I go to eat lunch outside. The elevator is more full. There's a tiny baby. Someone asks how old. 2 1/2 weeks. More babies. More strollers. I sit outside. More, more, more. I start to cry as I eat my PB&J. I go upstairs right after I finish. More babies. More toddlers. More strollers. I walk into the office. I am sobbing uncontrollably. I can't calm down. I can't speak. I try to breathe and calm myself down. The grandmotherly woman in the office gives me a hug. I have to come clean. I explain to her about fertility treatments. She says, "I completely understand. I have 4 adopted children." Thank god! At least she won't think I'm completely nuts and tell me to "just relax and it will happen when you least expect it." I still feel terrible.

I'm not going to be able to complete this job. It's not worth it. I told her I would stay until they can find a replacement. This woman is the only other person in the office. It's just not a good situation. I'll call the temp agency tomorrow. I'm just not sure what I'm going to tell them.

And of course, I bought more pee sticks on the way home.

Hope diminished

It was negative. Snowy white. Not a hint of color. I didn't use a cheapie, either. I used a real life store bought test. My hope is waning.

I'll probably test again tomorrow with the hope that 11dp dIUI is still too early.

I've been cranky, exhausted, had some cramping, have lots of wetness and my BBT is still very high. Though I must confess, I am boosting my progesterone a little, am I just willing myself to have these symptoms? T was sure it would be positive. He's highly disappointed.

I don't know what to think. I'm thinking it's a bust.

I have a new, open ended temp job starting today. It's located near the Children's Museum. It's in a tiny office. We shall see how that one goes. I'm not sure being near children is the best thing for me right now.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Evaporation line

I caved. I couldn't wait any longer. It's 10dpo, 9dp dIUI. It wasn't positive. I left it on the sink and went back to bed for an hour. When I came back the crazy lady who scrutinizes pieces of paper that I urinate on could see something. Not a positive, but I could see where the line was supposed to be. That's an evaporation line. I didn't get those last time. So.... it was too early, I'm thinking. My b00bs hurt a bit less than they did before, but I can still feel a little something. I got an 'implantation dip' with my BBT yesterday (possibly -- who really knows). I had a little cramping yesterday. I swear my imagination goes wild. I had a cramp that I would swear felt like a little tiny speck diving into my uterine lining. I'm insane. This whole thing is making me a crazy person.

So, I give it a 50/50 chance. I used an internet cheapie that Mary Ellen so kindly bestowed upon me. I don't know if that means anything, but it is what it is. I'm not testing again tomorrow, but I will on Thursday.

The commute to the temp job wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. It was only one bus, and only one stop on the second subway line. Takes less than an hour. No big deal at all. And I'm happy to not be home obsessing.

Damn evaporation line keeping hope alive.

Saturday, September 15, 2007


Can I allow myself some hope for this cycle? Do I dare? Is it too dangerous? I am scared to have hope. Hope has led me nowhere except to despair. But what else can I do?

It is 7 dpo. My b00bs are starting to feel pretty sore. And I am starting to feel exhausted. I fell asleep last night at 9:30 (during a Sox/Yankees game that went very, very bad) and slept until about 7:30 this morning. And now, when it's almost 9pm, I'm exhausted and cranky again. I'm not sure I can stay awake.

I can't help but feel some hope creeping in. I promised myself that with the seemingly poor timing that I would have none. I told myself with the pregnancy announcements that I couldn't make up symptoms to make myself feel better. But there it is, creeping none-the-less.

What do I do with this? I feel like I actually hate hoping. I hate hoping that things might work this time. How can I possibly hope for that? I feel like the chances of all of this working out are just so slim.

And yet. And yet.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Headed for the Weekend

I have a temp job for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. The thing is, it's in a place that is very difficult for me to get to. To get there by public transportation, I'd have to take 2 different subway lines and 2 different buses. Doesn't sound good. Didn't realize it was that bad when I said yes. I was only expected 2 subway lines and 1 bus. I asked if they have parking there. I think traffic may be better to deal with. Though, I'm not sure. I guess it's just 3 days and whatever. Is $12/hr worth that? I'll just bring my shuffle and a book and whatever. I just hope it doesn't take more than an hour.

The beach was lovely yesterday. We actually ended up going to a small island (sorta) community and walking around. I say sorta because there is a big causeway with a beach along it that lets you drive there. It originally was an island, but it isn't, really, anymore. We sat on a rocky beach and talked about all sorts of things. The weather was warm -- but not too warm, and the views there are beautiful. It was a good way to spend the day.

Then I had dinner with my family. We started with the traditional apples and honey to bring in the sweet new year. If you've never tried dipping apples in honey, I definitely recommend it. Especially nice, tart apples. It's great. For dessert I made a lovely chocolate mousse and the piece de resistance, a lime-white chocolate cheesecake with oreo crust. It rocked. I was so pleased with myself.

We aren't planning on doing much this weekend. It's a big sports weekend with the Yankees in town and the Pats game. Yeah, yeah, I know about the cheating and the huge fine and the scandal. Pretty lame. But they're still my team. And T voluntarily came to me and said we should do some cleaning and organizing this weekend. I'm still picking my jaw up off of the ground, but hopefully we can organize a couple of rooms.

Today I simply have to clean the kitchen. It's terrible. All the dishes from my baking are lying around everywhere. I may even wash the floor! (We have the Scooba robot that does it for us, but it's still something.) Then tonight we'll grill and watch the Sox hopefully beat the Yanks.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Big Papi Delivers

What a great night for a ball game. The weather was clear and cool, the game, despite some problems with the starting pitcher, was interesting. And Big Papi, David Ortiz, hit a walk off 2 run home run in the bottom of the 9th to end with a Red Sox win. I scored the game diligently, and T and I enjoyed ourselves immensely for a few hours. I love baseball. I love Fenway Park. And I love it when we win! (Especially when the Yankees have won elsewhere. Don't want to lose any more ground before they come to town this weekend.)

I decided to not go to temple today. Instead, I'm hanging out with my friend, and fellow Jew, N. We are thinking of going to the beach. She says that, often, that's what secular Jews in Israel do for the holiday. So we are going to do that. Unless we change our plans.

I did end up applying at the coffee shop yesterday. I spoke to the manager, and I thought it went well. I'm hopeful that she'll call for a more formal interview. I also stopped by the yarn store nearby and applied there as well. The manager said that he will assess if he needs any new people at the end of the month, and will be in touch if he does.

I have some baking/cooking/preparing to do before N shows up. Still feeling sad about all the pregnancies, but I've stopped crying (mostly). I'm glad she's coming over so I don't have to spend the day alone. What we do isn't as important as the fact that we're simply hanging out and doing something together. Keeping busy and having company is so important.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

jealous again

T and I are going to the game tonight. The weather has cleared up, so hopefully it will be better than last time. And hopefully we will win.

It is the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashana) and I got sent a New Year's bulletin from my mother's cousin. His daughter is pregnant. She's in her early 40s, and my mother told me that she and her husband were 'having trouble' but there it was on the bottom of the note. I was furious at my mother for not telling me. To be fair, she may not have known, but I sent her an email about it. I wonder what their 'trouble' was. Part of me wonders if she had donor eggs. But I don't want to ask her. She's due in February, which means she just passed the 12 weeks mark. We went to a party at her house in July. She must have been doing whatever they were doing to get her pregnant around then. She literally cooked for over 50 people by herself and she works full time, so I don't know how she could do that and undergo treatments, but she seems kind of the wonder woman type.

This is her second marriage, and in her first marriage she said several times out loud that she didn't want children. I guess maybe it was her first husband that didn't want them. Of course, everybody's allowed to change their mind. I was just surprised when my mother told me they were trying because I always just knew that she didn't want kids. New husband must have really wanted some.

Why can't I just be happy for them? Why does this kill me so much? It really just makes me miserable and jealous. Especially if they didn't use donor eggs. Then I'll really be jealous. But who knows if I'll ever know. I'm sick of all of this pain.

I just got an email from my mother. She didn't know. She learned via the letter, too.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to synagogue on the high holidays. T is not Jewish, and he has to work on Thursday for Rosh Hashana, so I would have to go alone. We found a synagogue that we might want to join, but it's full of young couples with children, and membership dues are not cheap. I suppose I could just go for the service and not join, but I just don't know if I want to go alone. There is a separate children's service, so there probably won't be a ton of kids there, but I'm just not sure I feel up to it. But then I feel guilty that I don't feel up to it. I told my family that I'd go there, and I just don't want to 'fess up to them that I just decided to not go this year. But I just don't know if I can do it. I'm going to just decide in the morning, I guess.

Hopefully the Sox game tonight will be a good distraction. I love baseball. I think I may go to a coffee shop today and apply, too. I'm meeting my friend S later to help her choose some yarn to make a scarf for her husband. I also need to cook for the dinner tomorrow night at my brother's house. I'm making broccoli with Parmesan butter, lime cheesecake bars and chocolate mousse. So, despite not working, I'm pretty busy. Hopefully that will elevate my mood.

I just found out another cousin is pregnant with their second after 'trouble' and a miscarriage. I'm still a selfish bitch and am not able to do anything with that except be sad for myself. I hate wallowing in self-pity, but that's just where I am right now. This pregnant cousin is very lovely and was adopted herself, so I'm sure she would be very sympathetic and understanding. But the fact of the matter is, she is having two children that are biologically related to herself and her husband and we aren't. At this point, we're not having any children.

I really hope some of this anger, sadness and jealously goes away once I'm (hopefully) pregnant. Not sure what will happen if we end up adopting.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


Today I am sad. Maybe it's the much needed rain. We really need some rain in the Boston area, but the dark days always get me down. I also think the Cl0mid side effects are happening now. It's weird how they don't appear (except for the hot flashes) until a week after I stop taking it. But I have had fertile cm for the past few days and my n1pples have become incredibly sensitive.

The temp thing isn't going very well. There are several long term jobs that would be fine for me, except I have signed up to teach knitting to middle schoolers on Wednesdays at 3:30 for 5 weeks, which means I can't take a long term job. I am thinking about trying to get a coffee slinging type job which might be more flexible. Right now I wonder if anybody will hire me. I'm just feeling like every job is wrong. But I don't like not doing anything, either. I just feel so useless. I'm kind of excited about the teaching knitting thing, though. It just doesn't really pay much. And by not much, I mean I'll probably get like $100 or $150 for doing it. So I really mean not much. The coffee thing is sounding more and more appealing, somehow. I just need to find one that's easy to get to.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Did it anyway

Though it was probably too late, the nurses thought we should go ahead and try it anyway. Eggs survive for 24 hours after ovulation, and with the sperm being placed directly into the uterus, they thought there was a chance they could get to it before it died. T and I discussed the pros and cons, and the only con was the cost, and we determined the cost would not forever alter our lives, so we just went in and did it.

Our thoughts were that with the Cl0mid, perhaps there was more than one follicle, and they all wouldn't necessarily ovulate at the same time, and there was a chance that it might not be too late.

Needless to say, I'm not particularly optimistic.

Anyway, as I said before, the next time we do this, we will plan on having two. One on the day of the LH surge, and one the day after. That way, if I miss it by a day (as I did this time), we will have already done one IUI and we can just skip the second one.

The problem was I took the OPKs in the morning. Apparently this is too early to take them. You're supposed to take them in the afternoon. I guess I didn't realize this. I don't remember being told this. As you could tell, I was worried the timing would be off. I hate it when my paranoia is proved correct. But what was I supposed to do? Take an OPK at work? I don't think so. There isn't enough privacy at many places I've worked to do that sort of thing. I suppose I could do it after work, but then I'd have to schedule the IUI same day. I guess that's not out of the question, but I was told that the day I get a positive OPK, schedule the IUI for the next day. And that's what I tried to do. And that's not what happened.

But what happened happened, and there's nothing we can do about it. It just is. Just like all this infertility stuff just is. We just have to keep moving forward.

Something is bound to happen some day, I guess.

Missed it

My temp went up this morning and the IUI was scheduled for 9. I'm going to be canceled. Update later.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

the surge at last

I surged! I surged! The line was really dark, which I'm hopeful means something good. So I'm not worried about that any more.

Well then, what am I worried about now then? Well, if you must ask, I'm worried about only doing one IUI. Many people do two. Last time the timing was fine. I surged, I had the IUI, and the next morning my temp went up. But what if my temp goes up tomorrow? What if my surge started last night? I know, I know. I'm over-worrying. But that's what I do! For the record, I'm not super worried. I'm just -- concerned. It's a thought in the back of my head. But I only picked up one vial this time, so one IUI it is. I guess I can let it go, take my chances this time, and re-assess if it doesn't work. Last time was totally unmedicated with one IUI. This time it's Cl0mid with one IUI. If it doesn't work, the third one will be Cl0mid with two IUIs. That seems like a healthy progression. Not to worry. It's a good strategy. Right? See? I've managed to convince myself!

Now, there's this bridge in Brooklyn that I'd like to sell you....

Thursday, September 06, 2007

waiting, waiting and more waiting

I decided that I can't go back to this job next week. This morning, I was given a hand written email to send. I typed it up, sent it and printed it out as usual. Then the woman made some 'corrections' to the email, and I informed her that it had already been sent. This woman went off on me. Why did I send it without her approval? I told her I thought that she just wanted me to just type it and send it out. I didn't realize she wanted to approve it. She told me that I'm not there to think and what I think is not important. I am only there to do what she tells me to do.

Well, no one talks to me like that. I told her she couldn't speak to me that way. I was so angry I was shaking. But right then and there I knew I could not tolerate it there for another week. So, I let the temp agency know I was not willing to come back. I explained the situation to the woman there, and she seemed really grateful. So now I'm on the lookout for a new temp job. I have a couple possibilities pending, but nothing definitive yet.

See, I can't even keep a temp job.

In cycle news, I have none. Still no positive OPKs. Still no cm. My temp is still low, though, so I must not have ovulated yet. I'm kinda confused. Maybe ovulation is just delayed. I'm hoping for a positive OPK tomorrow, but who knows.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Sperm Wednesday

I picked up the sperm today. The container was much smaller this time, which I liked. T is feeling sad. I think picking up the sperm and doing the IUI make him sad. I wish there were something I could do to make him feel better, but I don't think there is. I tell him I love him, and I give him a good hug, but that's all I can do. I really can't make this any better for him.

My temp job is insane. I work for a woman in an unpaid position as president of a condo association. Now, it is a huge condo association, but still. Anyway, the reason this woman needs an 'office assistant' is because she doesn't know how to read or send email. It's a hot.mail account. So, she writes out the emails long hand, reads them to me, and I type them into hot.mail and send them. Then I print out a copy for her.

Needless to say, this doesn't take very long. And I only need to do it about 10 times a day. So, most of the day I sit and surf the web. The woman I work for told me that was fine.

It's just so stupid and inefficient! No wonder it takes her so much time to do all this stupid work. She does it twice or three times! What a waste of money for the condo association. But that's not my problem, so I am just trying to keep my mouth shut. Not my forte.

Anyway, still getting negative OPKs. No cm, but I'm chalking it up to Cl0mid. Not sure what's going on.

Monday, September 03, 2007


It is now September. Time, when dealing with infertility, both goes incredibly quickly and incredibly slowly. Lately, things have been going pretty slowly, but it's still kind of crazy to think that it is September. Well, that it's September and I'm still not pregnant. But here it is, September, and I have a new temp job starting tomorrow. We'll see how this month goes.

Our day trip was lovely and was a great idea. We get so caught up in doing errands and taking care of things there is no time to do during the week that we forget to do things to entertain ourselves. We have to remember to do things like that more often. It was very refreshing. We walked around in a familiar town, though all of the changes and the young college students walking around made us feel pretty old. I showed T the old apartment that I used to live in, and we had some sushi in one of the new restaurants. I got a 15 minute chair massage that was just wonderful.

I spent about two hours in the yarn store and really stocked up. It was crazy, but T told me to buy whatever I wanted. He's such an enabler. So, I have yarn for a new vest for me and a new sweater for me. And a new purse for me. I bought a couple of other things to make some small things for others, but mostly I bought yarn to make things for me. I guess I'm selfish, but I like to make things for myself.

We also went to this great place called the Montague Book Mill. It's a book store (and other things) built in an old New England Mill. Its motto is "Books you don't need in a place you can't find." We sat in chairs by the stream while the breeze blew in the windows. It was lovely.

Last night we had a family cookout and I made 2 batches of rice krispie squares -- one covered in chocolate and one just plain. We ate ALL of them. Tonight we are going to our friends S&R's house for another cookout. I have to make the potato salad in a few minutes.

So, it was nice to get away. This week is bound to be a somewhat crazy one, so hopefully the relaxing long weekend will help.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Hot Flashes

I'm on 100mg of Cl0mid and I have had 2 hot flashes. They are strange. But, maybe that means the Cl0mid is working? One can only hope.

T and I have decided to take a one day road trip to western Massachusetts today. We will visit a favorite bookshop of T's and a huge knitting and yarn store for me. We need to get away, and though a long vacation isn't in the cards right now, we think this one day thing will be good for us. I'm looking forward to it. We usually have fun on road trips. And maybe I can get some cool yarn. I need to find a project to buy for!

It looks like I have a temp job for the month of September. This is a good thing. It's full time, which may be a little weird for me, but it's income and that is good. It will also keep me busy during all of the waiting that will be coming up. Hopefully the job will be a busy one. I will have to take some time off next (this?) week for all the IUI preparation.

I am going to pick the sperm up on Wednesday, unless I have my LH surge on Tuesday in which case I will pick it up on Tuesday. I'm starting OPKs on Tuesday. My guess is the IUI will be on Friday, but we just never know about that one, do we?

I've read that Cl0mid messes with cm and with bbt, so I'm a little more nervous about detecting my fertile time, but hopefully those OPKs will pull through and we can have some good timing.

Here we come, western MA!