Happy & sad

Going through a pretty hard core "feeling so very happy & elated for other people and totally feeling so sad for myself" mixed feeling kinda thing here.

I know that's ok. I know it's normal. I know it will never 100% go away.

But feeling it still kinda sucks.

It bums me out

It really sucks that someone having a baby makes me sad. It's supposed to be something happy.  And I am happy for the people that have the baby, but I'm usually more sad for myself.  I really hate that.

Plugging along

We definitely have the winter sickness thing going around this house. H had a stomach bug around Thanksgiving and then we all got head colds. I seem to have got the head cold the worst, which is odd since I'm usually never sick.

Thanksgiving was good. Lots of cousins were around. H wasn't the youngest as we met his 6 month old cousin for the first time. A lovely time was had by all.

Hanukkah is happening now, so we're doing the exchange of gifts on Sunday. I'm only like 66% finished, but hopefully I can do what I want to do tomorrow. Though we have our adoption group tomorrow and things will be busy. Things are always busy. Good busy, though.

We're doing a re-fi on our mortgage and that's almost done so I have to face the fact that we need to complete our home study for #2. I'm actually getting outside pressure to do this. I need a deadline, so it's going to be Jan 1. We're going to have all our paperwork for kid #2 complete by Jan 1. We've got to do it. I expect the wait to be a longish one, and even if it's not, it's time for us. At this point I feel like everyone I know either has 2 kids or has one with another one on the way, so I guess I have to get in that line.

This decision feels really different this time. Less monumental, I guess. Being a mom I guess changes my perspective on things. I'm not nearly an anxious about it.

H is awesome as ever. He's getting really strong willed and opinionated. He's still only saying, "Nononono!" but he understands everything we say. I sent off an email to CC and O. after his 15 month checkup (25 lbs! 16 teeth!) but didn't hear anything back.

A family friend at Thanksgiving told me that she thinks her son and his wife are considering adoption and were asking about me and T and H. I again said something about how adoptive parenting is different than bio parenting and felt like I was being judged... like I was saying my son is less than or something. This bothers me. I need to figure out how to better express what I mean when I'm saying this. How do you say "not the same" but not mean "less than"? I need a better choice of words or something. I'm finding this frustrating.

Here is my little man sleeping in the car with his balloon. He loves balloons. He was clutching it and staring at it with so much love as he fell asleep.

But I still have limits

I really meant it when I said I don't get upset seeing pregnant people around and I'm feeling like I've closed the chapter of thinking about having a biological child.

That being said, today I overheard too many conversations about fertile people's fertility. And it bugged me.

Really, I don't need to hear how you didn't know it was more difficult to get pregnant while breastfeeding because you got pregnant very easily the first month after you got your period for the first time while still breastfeeding.

I also don't need to hear the pregnant woman talk about her second thoughts on having a second child.

I'm doing better, but I still have limits, thankyouverymuch.

Getting over it

I have to say, I surprised myself this weekend. I've slowly noticed things changing for me, but it really struck me on Saturday.

We joined a playspace coop nearby for the winter. It's afternoons only and I knew I'd be going stir crazy if I didn't have somewhere to go with H after nap. I'd heard from neighbors that it was a good place to go and there was an open house there this past Saturday. I decided to take H there to check it out and to sign up.

It was great there! It was pretty crowded and of course full of kids. And of course TONS of the moms there were visibly pregnant. And you know what? I didn't care. I really, truly didn't. I wasn't jealous. I didn't get sad. I didn't feel much of anything at all.

I guess I've finally, finally come to accept that I will never be pregnant and give birth to a child. I don't have a lot of choice in the matter, and this is just how it is. Being angry and jealous isn't going to change that. I have H, and we will get another child, and they will be my family and that's how it is.

I will never say that on some level I wish that my children didn't have to have two sets of parents or that they could have been biologically related to me. I will never say that I'm thankful to have gone through infertility. But I have come to accept that this is my life. I have a wonderful son, we will have another child, and that will be that.

I don't think I'll ever be ebullient upon a pregnancy announcement. I will never enjoy seeing a F@ceb00k ultrasound.

But I am okay with never being pregnant and experiencing child birth, and I don't feel particularly jealous of people around that anymore.

I wish

I wish that I could simply be happy when I hear that a baby has been born. I am very happy for proud and delighted new parents. I truly am. But every time someone births a baby and parents that baby, a little bit of sad comes to the surface.

I know this is normal for someone like me. It is legitimate for me to feel this way. I, of course, do not share this sadness with the happy new parents. All of this is appropriate.

Still, I just truly wish that I could simply feel happy and nothing else, but I honestly don't think I ever will.

Breastfeeding

Did everybody see this new study about breastfeeding that came out?

Whenever I read about the benefits of breastfeeding, it makes me feel bad. There are two main reasons for this, I think. One is it reminds me of the part of the 'mommy' club that I'm not in. I didn't give birth to my child. I had no milk to give him. Secondly, it seems that many of my FB friends are vehement breastfeeding advocates. I've actually had to hide some people because it seems that 90% of their posts are about natural child birth and BF.

Even though no one has said this to me (except maybe LLL, but f#^k them) sometimes I feel like these people think that feeding your child formula is poisoning them or is like child abuse or something. They just push it so strongly that it makes me feel broken.

I'm pretty sure that most people understand why I don't BF my son. To be honest, I'm kind of glad I don't as it seems formula fed babies are a little bit easier -- at least they have been in my random, non-scientific observing of babies. (I know 3 bottle fed and tens of BF and all the bottle fed babies are MUCH better sleepers and generally more easygoing.) I like that I don't have to pump and that anyone can feed Henry without any fuss.

That being said, I just feel bad about it, and I'm so happy to be a mom and I love Henry so much that I hate that something like this makes me feel bad.

Sensitivity

Thanks for all of the kind words about our kitty. We are doing okay, though we miss her so. Her poor brother kitty seems unsure about where she went. It will take time.

I previously mentioned how I've been trying to 'friend date' a bit with some other new moms. I found a couple of women whom I've had a few 'play dates' with. So far it's been pretty good with both of them -- I enjoy our time together, though I haven't felt a real tight 'click' with either of them. But I plan on continuing to hang out with them because it has been going well.

One of the new moms and I were out shopping together. We were both pushing the babies in a stroller and a stranger smiled at us and jokingly asked, "Which department did you get them?" I smiled and replied, "In the kids department, of course!" and the stranger said something about going to pick up one (or something, I don't really remember). Then my new friend said, "You can take mine!"

I was taken aback by this comment. I said, "That's not a very nice thing to say."

She said, "She's been waking up every hour for the past three weeks. If you had been dealing with that, you'd understand!"

I said, "Because my son is adopted, I'm really sensitive about comments like that. In some sense, he might feel like he was given away by his parents."

She said, "I didn't mean it like that."

I said, "I know, but I'm very sensitive about statements like that. It hits a little close to home for me."

Then I changed the subject.

Did I do okay? I hope I made my point. I'm trying to practice with these things.

All Mixed Up

Sometimes my emotions are so mixed up.

Henry's nap schedule is solidifying, which is great. But he isn't so great at napping outside the house and being home for his nap schedule and feedings makes it nearly impossible to ever leave. That makes me crazy. I am starting to figure out how to make it possible for him to do some good napping while at the same time allows me to go somewhere from time to time.

This is interfering with the dog's schedule a bit, which means every time I get up he jumps up as if he's going to get fed or go for a walk. This is a bit crazy making as well. I love the dog and have lost 17 lbs since getting him. Without him I wouldn't exercise nearly as much. But I wish I could make him understand the concept of, "Sorry, not right now. Every day is different." That's not really a dog's way. We're trying, though.

I need to figure out a way to do more 'me' stuff while Henry is napping. I find I just end up doing nothing on the computer while he naps and I don't like it. I'm working on knitting a sweater for Henry, but for whatever reason I don't pick it up. I think of reading a grown-up book, but I don't pick one up. I do sometimes do laundry or dishes during nap time, but I want to do something for ME and I'm not sure why I can't get inspired to do so.

I'm still thinking of my bitterness and how to work on it. I'm not feeling bitter right now; more sad. My friend who is pregnant just announced it on the evil FB. She has had major troubles and never thought this baby would ever happen, so my happiness for her is ENORMOUS. However, last time I saw her I freaked a little at her pregnant appearance. I just feel so much loss sometimes.

Maybe I I should try to remember announcing Henry's arrival and how shocked people were. That was kind of fun.

Not believing in 'destiny' or that things are 'meant to be' also slows the healing process, I think. I love Henry and I think our match with his birth parents is perfect. I can't picture us having a different set of birth parents or being the parents of any of the other babies in our adoptive families play group. None of those matches were the right match for us. Henry definitely was it. Still, I'm not one of those people who wouldn't change everything if I could go back in time. I know that if we had a genetic baby we would have loved it as much as we love Henry now.

Still, my love for little Henry sometimes overwhelms me. I just hope he never feels unloved or abandoned around his adoption. I think part of my sadness comes from wanting to protect him from the difficult feelings adoptees sometimes have. Of course it's natural for him to feel this way and I should allow him to feel what he needs to feel, but we all want to protect our children from hurt, even though that's impossible to do for a lifetime.

I'm also starting to think about home study #2.

My head is swirling today. Henry woke me up at 5:30. He went back to sleep, but then the cat woke me up at 6. Then the dog woke me up at 6:30. I'm feeling a little tired.

ETA:
A tooth broke through!

Also, teenagers are scary. (My niece is freaking me out a little.)

Nope

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THE INSIDES OF YOUR UTERUS. REALLY.

That is all.

Trying

A friend told me that she and her husband are going to start trying to have a baby. Her husband has said for 40 years (he's over 40) that he didn't want kids, but she decided she did and in order for them to stay together he changed his mind.

I'm trying to figure out how I can remain friends with her if/when she gets pregnant. I'm really not sure I can take it.

I feel like them having kids is a disaster.

Of course it's none of my business and I haven't said anything to her. I'm not sure she'll understand my difficulty around this now that we have Henry. Henry is the best thing that has ever happened to me (aside from marrying T) but I still will have a very difficult time with the fact that my friend's husband will most likely have a biological child after speaking out and fighting against that idea for over 40 years.

Edited to clarify:

Husband is over 40 years old. They have not been married 40 years. He's just "always known" he's never wanted kids for his entire life. Wife was undecided. Until now.

still a blow

Even though Henry is home and we are doing really, really well, I'm not sure I feel like a Mommy yet. It just doesn't feel real, somehow, despite me knowing that it is. I guess my emotions haven't caught up with what's actually going on.

Then I login to F@ceb00k and see an announcement and an ultrasound.

It still slams me. I do know that I'd be way much more of a mess about it if we didn't have our beautiful Henry at home, but it's still a kick in the stomach. Especially those f*cking ultrasounds. I hate that people share those. Should I post the CT scan of my diverticulitis?

Henry will be about 6 months when this baby is born. I'm guessing that by then I will really feel like a mommy.

Telling

We've told a few people. My parents. My brothers and their families. T should be calling his mom tonight to tell her. I told one friend because she was making plans to come to Boston around the time the baby is due (!) and normally stays with us, and I had to tell her that this probably wouldn't work out this time.

Telling is really difficult. The fourth tell was the easiest so far. I just said it. "We were matched with a potential birth mother."

There are lots of questions about her. I'm trying to answer as few of them as possible. I explain that it's our child's story and we're erring on the side of caution with keeping the information private.

I won't believe in this until it actually happens, but conversation does turn to cribs and planning and organizing the baby's room, especially from my mother. I try to push it back. Nothing is sure until it is sure. The only thing we're really thinking about buying at this time is a car seat. Everything else we would need we can get later.

We went to a fireworks show. There were, of course, tons of children there. It didn't bother us so much this time.

But it's still weird to tell. I still feel like this is all a big secret. In fact, our story is not a big secret except at work. So maybe this will feel secret until I tell someone at work, which I have decided I'm not going to do until we come back from our vacation.

I just don't want many people to know until it has really happened. This feels weird.

feeling like crap

Maybe it's PMS, but I'm feeling like crap lately. I'm sad all the time again. Every time I login to F@ceb00k I see pictures of children. Some babies, but mostly toddlers and older. These are all my high school friends.

I'm just exhausted. I feel like this is never going to happen and that none of this is worth it. My job is going crappy. I mean, I do a fine job, but there's mostly not enough work and my boss really, really sucks.

I love the dog, and I would be so much worse without him. He's probably the reason I can keep going these days. But everything just feels like it sucks completely.

T isn't happy with his job, mine is unfulfilling and all we do is just get older.

I'm having a bad week. Everywhere I turn it's all about children and babies. I can't even read the fucking comics without a family being involved. I feel like I can't do anything without being reminded of our situation.

Thank goodness for this:

Lying

Should you ever lie? Even by omission?

I am afraid to tell my friends who have young children about the death of our friends' child. I don't want to make people unnecessarily afraid. His mom really doesn't want what happened to trigger fear in parents.

It's easy enough to do with people at work.

But when good, close friends ask how I am, I feel like I'm lying if I don't tell them. I am terrible at lying.

We attended one shiva call for a toddler and another memorial service for a man in his mid-forties this week. Understandably, I'm not in the greatest of spirits. How can I not tell?

I have to tell. But I don't want to keep people up at night feeling like they constantly have to check on their kids.

It's okay to tell, right?

Still Sad

When I get sad, I think about abandoning this whole adoption plan and moving away and starting over.

A lovely open adoption blog I read linked to this story. It's the story of one birth mother. It's not a foreign story to me, but as all first parents stories, it moved me deeply. There have been a lot of comments, some reassuring and some not.

Adoption is work. I knew this going into adoption. It's essential to make sure it's done ethically, and maintaining some openness is delicate. It's difficult for all three triad members.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have the emotional energy to cope. Today is one of those days.

I have always known that I wanted to be a parent. I have known this for as long as I can remember. I never remember wanting to be married much. I never dreamed of a big wedding or wanting to be a princess for a day. I don't remember fantasizing about my husband or my wedding or any such thing. But I do remember always thinking about my children. I always thought about what type of parent I would be.

But it has turned out that neither my husband nor I can make a baby. So what are we to do?

-------------------
I stopped writing this and T and I went out to a lovely arts show and bought me a few neat things. We also bought a dresser that was on sale that T wanted. The art show was fabulous and inspiring. I think I'm going to sign up for beginners pottery class. I have always wanted to learn and now is a good time for me to start. Classes start at the end of April.

After the show I had beer and clams, and we had a lovely day. I am much less sad than when I wrote the first half of this post.

I still, however, feel I don't know what to do with my life right now. In some ways I want to move to Hawai'i and abandon all hopes of making a family. This journey has been too difficult and it poses too many risks and has too much pain. I sometimes feel I am too empathetic to be an adoptive parent. I see some adoptees who have such pain in their lives, and I've read and spoke to birth/first parents who are also living with extreme pain. I don't want any more pain. I want happiness.

All this said, I can't ever imagine life without parenting. We will not move to Hawai'i and we will wait and find a good match and find some way to have a relationship with our child's birthparents. We will be as good parents as we can, and life will happen.

I am just stuck here waiting and imagining everything going wrong. It's not a nice place to be, but I am trying to do things I enjoy. It's really imperitive that I take that class while I can. And when I think about these classes, I think that maybe I could go away and take classes and be a more involved and active person without children. But then I go out and see a family, and my heart just breaks.

I think this is the problem. I have a heart that has been broken too many times. It hasn't been broken by my family or by my husband, but by hope. I have had so much hope and it has broken me each time -- each pregnancy, each IVF each dIUI, each cycle. I have hoped so many times that I might have a family, and I see what we do not have everywhere around us. I'm not sure I could live this world we live in without having a family. I think it would completely break me.

I so often feel like I don't know what to do. I hate that feeling.

Feeling better

We're all feeling better. I'm still worried about T, but he is feeling fine. He'll see the doctor on Tuesday and I hope that I can convince him to exercise. I think it will help. I truly believe this was all related to stress and anxiety.

Last night we had dinner over with E&R and toddler S. S just loves my husband. S is a man's man and is really only interested in men. When we were walking up the stairs, S stuck his head out and looked at me and said T's name. He climbed all over T and had T read him books and wanted T to go in his room when it was time for bed. He's a good kid - so cute. He's become interested in anatomy and at one point asked T if he had a pen1s. E is trying to explain when it is okay to talk about these things and when it is not, but apparently this is a pretty common question S is asking of people -- making sure men have one and confirming that women don't, mostly. Sometimes he gets it wrong, but not often. It was funny.

I made more marshmallows for dessert. I messed up the first batch, so I had to do it twice. I melted the chocolate in the microwave which worked SO much better for me than doing it in a double boiler. I always seize chocolate, and this melt went perfectly. They were yummy.

Today I'm taking a friend down to the Scandinavian furniture store to get a bookshelf for her new apt. She just moved out from living with her husband. I have my dad's mini van since my car is in the shop.

Less than a week to FL. 4 more days in my old job.

Coping strategies

I need to learn how to deal with things.

Like I've seen a lot of other people mention, I have a F@ceb00k profile. On this site I am finding a lot of former classmates and friends I've lost touch with. Inevitably, as I'm in my mid-thirties, I get friended, get the, "Hi Rachel! How are you? We have two kids now! Blah blah blah, we're busy but happy!" Sometimes they want to visit. Sometimes their kids play with someone else I know's kids. Sometimes they're super-important and have had high powered jobs and sometimes they took time off to take care of their multiple children.

How do I respond to all of this? Do I tell them we're waiting to adopt? Do I not? Do I just say where I work and that we have our house?

Sometimes I feel like I should just stay away from it, but I can't seem to. But seeing all of these people fruitful and multiplying makes me totally bummed and I don't know how to respond to them. I'm one of the few people that actually enjoyed high school. I mean, I didn't enjoy all of it, but my circle of friends was a good one, and if I ignored a certain section of high school people, it was a pretty good time in my life. One of the best, actually.

I'm terrified of contacting old friends now. I feel like such a constant failure at career and family. I don't like to talk to people because I see how successful they are -- financially, career-wise and with children. I just don't know what to do or say or how to react.

Should I just stop logging in to F@aceb00k? What do I do?

I wish I had more self confidence with these things.

Funny on the inside

I've been feeling kind of funny lately.

The inauguration was great. I still can't believe it's real. It hasn't sunk in yet.

But aside from that, I'm just feeling funny. Things have gotten better since I stopped driving what my friend S labeled as the "think tank."

But then I got hit by that other car. I'm working with insurance to clear this up.

I got a good, new job a while back. But it still doesn't start til March 1. Waiting for it to start is really difficult. I'm not doing as well as I had in my old job. But I do have this new job waiting and they're not going to take it away. And I do have assignments, but my current job is so busy that I can't really work on the new stuff.

And I haven't done any adoption anything lately. We're still thinking of going with that facilitator, but it doesn't make sense to sign up until I change around our Dear Birthmother book, and I just haven't been able to do it. I both don't want to do it and have other projects I'm working on that have very finite deadlines, so I work on those and not the book.

But with all of this going on, I still just sort of feel empty inside. I see people having babies, and I see the babies grow up, and I see the children looking like their parents and I just feel empty.

I drive to work and I feel empty.

I know I should go talk to someone again, but my job has absolutely no flexibility, and I'm just trying to hold out until I have my new job which does have flexibility.

I really, really need a vacation, and we just bought tickets to go to FL on the 21st of Feb.

I just hope I can make it through until then. When I come back my new job will start. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to be patient.

Down

Feeling down.

Felt down all weekend. Saturday I could barely get off the couch. Sunday was better, but it's Monday morning, and I'm still feeling bad.

Tomorrow is our anniversary. We made reservations at someplace nice. It's supposed to rain hard all day.

There are going to be lots of little kids around for Thanksgiving. I think 5 under 5. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so down. If one of my pregnancies had worked out, we'd have a 1 or 2 year old at this point.

I don't want to skip Thanksgiving because I think that will be worse, but I'm not in a very good place right now.