Tuesday, November 11, 2008


The potential facilitator pretty much wants us to redo our book. Sigh.

I found a lot of her suggestions to be fine. I can rework it much in the way she wants.

But she wants us to take out the pictures of the cats. She says a lot of birth mothers skip over books because of cats. There apparently is some old wives tale about cats sitting on a baby's face and suffocating it.

This bothers me on so many levels. One, I sort of feel like it makes it seem like she sees birth mothers as ignorant and superstitious, which is kind of an insult to them. And I also feel like it will misrepresent us to take them out. They are part of our family.

She told us all her suggestions were optional and we didn't have to take them.

But talking to her about it made me, for the first time, feel pressure. I felt like I was talking to a high pressure marketing person. I didn't like it.

Part of me thinks we should just do what she says, for the most part. Looking for another outreach person -- an agency or attorney or another facilitator -- just seems like too much at this point. I enjoyed talking to her.

I just don't like high pressure and I felt a little pressure.

I'm not sure what to do. Sleeping on things is always good, so that is what I'm going to do.


Heather said...

It would bother me, too. If the cats are a big part of your life, I don't see why they shouldn't be pictured. A three-page spread of cats might be a bit much. ;)

It's more important that you match with the one person/couple who is a good fit with you guys than that you "appeal" to a wide range of prospective birth parents, you know? And if someone is truly afraid that their child might be suffocated by a cat, then I think they would be pretty bothered to find out the adoptive family secretly has cats in the house.

We faced a lot of pressure from our social worker to change things in our profile in our first adoption. I regret most of the changes now. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you have peace about it.

luna said...

the cat thing is bizarre. I've always heard people say pix with pets are a good thing. but I wouldn't want them to dominate the book either.

I'm glad you're going to sleep on it. try not to feel too much pressure. you can take some but not all of her advice, if that helps. the book should still be yours.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I think that is a bit weird considering they are a big part of your life. I don't know what I would do. I hope you have come to a good decision this morning.

beagle said...

That would have me very annoyed. I just posted a video about how good our cat is with the baby and on that note, our birth family liked that we had cats. They have one too and their older son loves the cat.

So, that's no help . . . because she knows her job . . . but still . . .

Now I'm curious who you went with?

Natalie said...

That would really bother me, but yeah, my pets are important. (Annoying... but important.) And I can just imagine that her suggestions, well-meaning and helpful or not, felt like a slap in the face. This book is so personal. :( Agh.

ultimatejourney said...

I would be upset too. It's probably a good idea to market yourself where possible, but only within the bounds of remaining true to yourself. As Heather said, you want to find a couple who's a good fit with *you*.

Good luck deciding what to do.

Kristin said...

I have heard of that old wives' tale but didn't think anyone gave it credence anymore. It would bother me to take the pics of them out too.

Samantha said...

As a cat lover myself, I find the comment kind of irritating. On the other hand, there are people who have weird ideas about cats not being safe with babies (I've heard about jumping in the crib and suffocating them). I think the point your facilitator is trying to make is probably that you don't want people to dismiss you out of hand, and she's had experience with potential parents being dismissed. In the end, I don't think it's misleading to remove the pictures, or possibly giving you a match you won't fit with. Liking or not liking cats is not genetic, and I certainly have had perfectly good relationships with people who don't like cats. I think it's probably more of a way to get yourself a second look, to allow more facts to be on the table, before a cat prejudice takes over.

It's gotta be hard to have to put yourself up so personally.

Eileen said...

A little late posting to this...I just found your blog and I'm reading through some of your old posts. It's a great read;)

I would be so annoyed by this...my first thought was the first one you mentioned. It's so stupid. We're using a facilitator too...been waiting over 8 months. Hang in there:)