Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Having troubles

Last night we went to a meeting with the agency that is required before our adoption can become complete. We talked a lot about birth parents. Two birth moms came in and spoke to us. It was amazing. It was moving. These women are amazing. It's incredible what they have done.

It was also heart breaking.

Sometimes I question my ability to do this. Then I look at my niece L. And my cousin's wife. And my former co-worker. And some of my delightful fellow bloggers. They're all doing fine. I can do this.

But still, it's difficult to feel anything but that adoption is making the best of a bad situation. As heartbroken as these birth moms were, nothing could convince them that they made the wrong decision. They love their children fiercely. Reading letters and seeing pictures of their children thriving is bittersweet, but it definitely helps to reinforce their own ideas that they made the proper decision.

I'm just feeling loss on so many levels right now. I feel the losses of birth parents, of adoptees and of adoptive parents. Right now I am thinking the most about the losses of the birth parents. I really identified with the story of one of the birth moms there. I was listening and crying, and I am just feeling empty about this.

At least I got some good questions to ask the facilitator about birth mother counseling and such. We have two more meetings to go to. I think our agency does a really good job with all of this stuff, which is comforting.

But I'm just in a weird place right now. I guess I am grieving again. I'm sure I'm grieving for myself, but I also feel like I'm grieving for the birth mothers too. I don't know what's going on. All I know is I feel sad.

I'm going to temple tomorrow and I'm supposed to atone. I'm sure atoning would probably be good for me right now, but I just can't bring myself to do it too much right now. But I will sit with my family and I will think about all of these things.

And I hope that I can be forgiven by anybody to whom I have done wrong.


chicklet said...

The birth mothers angle is tough. It's not right in front of me so I often forget about it but what they go through can't be easy either, especially when they get updates. I think I'd do better to not know than to know. I respect that they want to know but I think it'd kill me. It'd be too sad. So I get why you're sad.

Natalie said...

There is so much loss involved, it's not surprizing you're feeling grief on so many levels. I have faith that you can work through this confusing puzzle and come out the other side, though. You learn to live with grief. You come to terms with it. It just takes time.

ultimatejourney said...

It's so hard. I can't imagine being in the birth mom's shoes.

This may sound strange, but I'm actually feeling a lot of loss about DI right now. I know it was the right thing for B and I, but I hope it was the right thing for everyone involved.

I think any family building options that involve more than just a husband and wife inevitably bring some grief. I think it's healthy to recognize the sadness even after you've accepted it. At least I hope so.

Heather.PNR said...

It is hard, isn't it. I do think you can do this.

The sadness is real. But so is the joy.

Hang in there.

scarredbellybutton said...

I think birth mothers who choose adoption are so brave and selfless. I can't begin to imagine the pain.

Given your experience with IF and loss it makes sense that you share some of their sadness.

Sue said...

There are two sides to every story, and you can't have the joy without the sadness. Ideally the two balance each other out.

Trace said...

It IS tough. From the beginning I've had a hard time with the bio mom because I kept thinking my joy would be at the expense of someone elses pain. Then it occurred to me that if someone chooses adoption for their unborn child (this is only good, ethical adoption agencies who offer counseling and that sort of thing) they are making that choice because the know they are unable to provide their baby with the life they want for him. Think about it, if someone was unable to parent for whatever reason what would happen to the baby if they didn't choose adoption? I hate to say it, but abort.ion? Foster care? Growing up in poor living conditions with a mother or father who may not have wanted to parent?

Grieving is normal. Try not to beat yourself up.

DrSpouse said...

I can't imagine it either, though like you I know what it is like to lose babies, it is a whole other level of loss I would think.

hope548 said...

I think you can do this BECAUSE you are able to feel this loss and have empathy for the birthmothers. When we went to orientation at our agency, I also cried when the birthmothers spoke and I have already cried many times for the loss our son's birthmother has suffered. I have to tell you something though. I have emailed her to feel her out about what sort of information she wants in the updates and whether she wants photos of just the baby or photos of us too. She said anything I want to tell her or send her is fine, that it doesn't bother her, but makes her happy. Though they suffer much loss and miss their babies terribly, I think it helps for them to know their child is in a loving situation where he/she can thrive. You don't have to feel guilt over a decision they made, but just love and take care of that baby! You CAN do this!

Kelly said...

I imagine the grief continues in a variety of forms over the years. Hang in there.

Samantha said...

Your empathy with the adoption process is very powerful. I'm sorry it's making you feel sad right now, but I think it is also a healthy step in the process.

luna said...

I think it's true that adoption is rooted in pain and loss for everyone. but I have to believe there is joy also in the family created out of love. it can't be easy, but we see our own here doing it, living it.