There are two women at work that I see regularly who are pregnant. I generally do pretty well around pregnant people -- I just have a twinge of jealousy, a small internal eye-roll and a small amount of panic that they're going to talk about it. I cannot really talk about pregnancy.
But the other day I just had this realization that I really will never, ever be pregnant long enough to give birth to a living baby. This thing that women around the world generally do, I will never do. And I will not be excluded from this thing that women do by choice. I was boxed out of it against my will, despite Herculean efforts.
I know when I have my baby (babies) I will love them more than anything. I know I am emotionally ready to be an adoptive parent. I have never been more sure of anything.
But I just can't believe I will never be part of that club. And it really does make me sad sometimes.
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8 comments:
it's not fair. maybe...hopefully, the salve of having your baby/ies will make you not care if you are not a part of that club b/c no one except you will be a member of the club that you will be in, and that will be the club of being mommy to YOUR baby/ies.
Yup, grieving. It's a loss like any other and it sounds like you're in a healthy place right now.
It's really tough to come to that realization. Strangely I think I'm there even though we are still trying. I can't imagine it working. Adopting is in my mind all the time now. There is such a great, supportive adoptive community out there and they will be your club. There are a lot of natural parents out there who shouldn't be and what you have is special. It takes strength and integrity to adopt so I say your club is made up of some pretty amazing people.
That's the hardest part for me when I debate stopping - that I'll really never ever be a part of it. That's a hard thing to face, that feeling of being left out (forced out of being left out).
I'm sorry. That would be an incredibly difficult aspect to come to terms with.
You must be one tough lady to have gone through so much. I bet you will be an amazing adoptive parent.
It's been a long hard road for you guys. And when you become a mommy you will tell your child/children that you wouldn't change it for the world. Because that club wouldn't have brought them to you.
Not to take away from your feelings when around pregnant women, but I'd like to say that as an adoptee, it wasn't until I reunited with my mother and family that I was finally able not feel extreme discomfort and sadness whenever I was around biolologically related families.
They had pics on their walls where people looked alike, they talked about genetic appearance and prsonality similarities and ancestries. There had baby pictures and pictures of their mothers when they were pregnant with them, stories of how they arrived in the world and so on. Then there was the neverending comments about how someone inheritaed this or that from their mother, father, grandparent, aunt or uncle. Movies about all the above, books, literature, plays....we're surrounded by blood connectons, but adoptees have none.
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