Friday, July 18, 2008

Lonely again

I'm feeling lonely. I'm feeling a little less sad, but I'm feeling very lonely.

I want to find a support group. An online one would be fine. An in person one would be any better. I want to find other people like me. I'm feeling like I can't.

I used to take such comfort in the online infertility world. There were so many people going through similar things as me and I found solace in the shared experience.

But I'm finding more and more that I can't identify with anybody's blogs. Most of the adoption blogs I have found either have a baby already or already have a child or are concurrently doing IF stuff. Usually it seems to be IUIs with clomid or perhaps injectibles. They certainly haven't have multiple losses and multiple failed IVFs and multiple failed donor IUIs and a miscarriage using donor gametes.

And that's the thing. I just feel like we've failed so spectacularly. We've failed so many different things. I want to meet other people who have failed at so many different things like we have, but frankly it's difficult. I can find other people who have suffered great IF losses. I see people with late term losses and still births. I see people with multiple failed IVFs. I see people needing multiple types of treatment and using donor gametes. What I don't see is people failing at things across the board. I guess I think that people's failures tend to be more concentrated, I guess.

I don't know. Maybe it's selfish that I feel lonely. Maybe I'm just too busy feeling sorry for myself to accept that suffering is suffering and that all these women share my pain. And I know that these people share my pain. I really do. But I just want to find some other spectacular failures. I don't know why I feel like I need this solace, but I feel like I do.

I wrote this yesterday when I was feeling more lonely. I'm not feeling this down right now. T and I are going to see Hell.Boy and eat some food. I'm decidedly looking forward to the A/C and the entertainment. It's hot here again.


Natalie said...


Sometimes I feel the same way about the IF and the stillbirth. I'm finding some people online who deal with both, but most of the other stillbirth moms either already had a kid or are just going to TTC for another one (and presumably get one).

To have as many losses as you have had just sucks so freakin' much. I'm sorry you can't find others who share the same type of experiences... I know how it feels to really want someone who *understands*... who hasn't left you behind yet, and who has gone through the same kind of hell that you have. :(

beagle said...

I so wish I had something comforting to say . . . but I know that the assurances that your turn will come don't mean all that much until it does.

Just know that you're in my thoughts . . .

As for IRL groups . . . I never did find one that worked for me but it can't hurt to check RESOLVE . . . they may have one in your area and ask the agency too. Ours just started a waiting families group.

Almamay said...

Oh Lovely, I can really, really relate to your post. I understand how hard it is to feel like you are going backwards. I don't have any answers and if you find any please share. I am however sending you love.

niobe said...

Maybe this is something you've already done or considered and rejected, but have you thought of emailing Mel and having her post something on Lost and Found? (her email is way down at the bottom of the post).

Though this is probably not especially helpful, I sometimes feel a little bit the same way. I've found almost no-one in a situation all that similar to mine -- late loss/twin loss + very high risk of recurrence + surrogacy. I've pretty much given up looking for that and concentrate on people who share one or two aspects of my experience.