Thursday, September 18, 2008


At the suggestions of some of my new 'friends' I decided to check out this book they keep mentioning. That book is The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Verrier. I haven't purchased or read it yet, but I wanted to check it out to see what kind of book it was and what different types of people thought of it. It actually looks like a reasonably interesting book and I'm glad it was pointed out to me. That being said, I think people could have let me know about it in a bit more of an understanding and less off-putting way. I may borrow a copy or get it from the library or something along with my other adoption reading.

I also have reached out to several adopted (adult) friends and adoptive parents to discuss some of these issues that have come up on my blog. I am not finished reaching out yet, but I think it is important to get a diverse perspective on things. I don't appreciate being blindsided by people and most of these people didn't do their 'side' any favors by approaching me in this way.

I spoke to a facilitator yesterday about our search and actually liked her. She's sending me some more information about what she does and how she works. She focuses a lot on birth mother counseling which is important to us. I also got a packet from another attorney's office to check them out. At first glimpse of the packet I'm not getting a good vibe but I will look a bit more closely with T. Both of these people came recommended from our agency who also puts a premium on birth mother counseling, which I like. I want to make sure we find a good fit for us when it comes to our search.


Natalie said...

I am just in awe of how wise you sound. You inspire me. I hope you find that good fit so you can move forward in a positive direction. I feel so good about this for you!!

luna said...

good to hear you're considering what options are available.

no one likes to be blindsided, especially in their own space. do what feels right for you.

I've read about 6 books on open adoption in the last few months and by far my favorite was "making room in our hearts" by micky duxbury. highly recommend it.

Heather.PNR said...

"Primal Wound" can be a very difficult read. It's worthwhile reading, but hard. I'd be glad to talk more about my thoughts on it by email if you want.

And the "Making Room in Our Hearts" book Luna mentioned is my top recommendation to anyone adopting right now. Really good stuff in there.

I'm so sorry the dialogue here has been harsh and hurtful. No matter what part of the triad we are, adoption is a deeply emotional, personal issue. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Hang in there.

sisterheping said...


I am a transracial adoptee, specifically from Taiwan. I have already had an online "reunion" with my biological parents and siblings.

It's not easy. In fact, FAR from it.

I know that you are getting a lot of anti-adoption commenters and are probably feeling very much "ganged up" on.

So... I recommend the blog that I've written, which was designed specifically to address questions and concerns from (prospective) adoptive parents. It isn't really an anti-adoption blog, more like a guide. I'm not sure if you want to take a look at it, but if you do, it gives a general idea of where all these commenters are coming from and explains the emotions that adoptees go through as children, and then later, as adults.

I think it would help you understand a little about our perspectives and why we aren't praising rainbows and bunnies out of adoption.

beagle said...

I liked Secret thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff.

My Reality said...

I am willing to answer any questions you may have of me as an adult adoptee. My adoption was closed, but I do now know my birth father.

I have not read Primal Wound, but heard it is pretty harsh.

Seriously, if you have any questions I can answer, email me.

scarredbellybutton said...

I'm outside the US and wondering how an adoption search works.

chicklet said...

It sounds like you're doing some good things for you. Wishing you lots of luck in this.

DrSpouse said...

You do have to be aware that a lot of professionals and researchers (people with no axe to grind in this game - not adoptive parents, adoptees or birth parents) really think The Primal Wound has, er, no basis in fact.

(I am putting that as politely as I can!)

Jane said...

You do have to be aware that a lot of professionals and researchers (people with no axe to grind in this game - not adoptive parents, adoptees or birth parents) really think The Primal Wound has, er, no basis in fact.

(I am putting that as politely as I can!)

Really ? would you like to point out these professionals and researches ?

The Primal Would is one of the best books out there to understand adoption.
But then again I guess it depends on how willing one is to seeing that adoption is NOT all hearts and flowers and that there is great pain caused.

I am not anti adoption. I am adopted and I know the affects of adoption. You can read my blog or you can email me, email address on the blog, through the mail box with the bird crapping on it !

I love my adoptive parents VERY MUCH, but I lost something in order to be adopted.

Thats the point. The LOSS

When an adoptive parent gets that then they can parent an adopted child positively.

Reading The Primal Would will certainly help you do that.

Again to the commenter above, if there is not *primal would* then why at 41 years of age, despite having the most wonderful aparents, who gave me a wonderful life, do I ache for my Mother and my Sister (older sister) ? why do I hurt so much inside ?

Ive done I guarantee far more research and studies than yourself and despite all the *facts* all the *logic* all the *anything you want to call it* I still ACHE for my biological mother.

Rachel said...

I was a bit hesitant to publish Jane's reaction to drspouse's opinion on Primal Wound. But I do know that many adoptees identify with this book and I didn't want her to feel like this opinion isn't valid.

That being said, not all adoptees identify with this book. I spoke to two of them today.

So, some people feel this way and some do not. Every situation is different.

DrSpouse said...

I'm writing more on this on my blog... Yep, putting a target on myself again.

Jessica at Bwlchyrhyd said...

Sorry, I know I am commenting on a really old post...

Tim just read "Primal Wound" after having heard something about it on the radio -- he is adopted -- and he said that he found reading it very helpful...