Nothing new here.
Talked to the facilitator again last night. I like her. We're continuing to move forward with her. She said that due to the tough economic times, the domestic adoption arena has changed a little. It has really ramped up lately, but with these times a slightly higher number of women are looking to make adoption plans, and a slightly lower number of potential adoptive parents are able to afford all of the fees, so there is a slight increase in placements for her lately.
Which makes me a little nervous. But in a good way.
We still want an attorney to review her contract before we send it in, but once that is reviewed, I think we'll be moving forward.
It's just so difficult for me to accept that this may happen. I can't explain it, but my nervousness comes from being in a place where I was convinced that we just couldn't be parents. Maybe that's not the right way to explain it.
While we were going through fertility treatments, I had a lot of hope at the beginning. Hoping to be pregnant was easy for me, I guess. Once I was pregnant for a while, I might be able to start planning a little. Yes, of course I know that terrible things happen with some pregnancies and sometimes, and nothing is a guarantee. That being said, barring horrible and unforeseen circumstances, you do have a time line. I like time lines. I like to plan.
But you just never know when a match will happen. You never know how far along the expectant mother will be. Sometimes they're a week from their due date. Sometimes they're more like 20 weeks. I'm not sure which scenario would be easier, though. Knowing about a match for 20 weeks before the baby arrives seems nice in some ways -- it can give me that 'planning time' I seem to be longing for. But it also seems to me that the earlier the match, the higher of the likeliness that a match will fall through. Maybe I'm making that up in my head and what will really happen is I will just have more time to image how things might not work out. As a worrier, that's a distinct possibility as well.
Anyway, I guess I'm in another transition period. I have to bring myself into a place that can accept that at any time we might be matched and we might bring home a baby.
I find it difficult to even type that.
Maybe I need to start therapy again.