Saturday, November 08, 2008

Moving along

Nothing new here.

Talked to the facilitator again last night. I like her. We're continuing to move forward with her. She said that due to the tough economic times, the domestic adoption arena has changed a little. It has really ramped up lately, but with these times a slightly higher number of women are looking to make adoption plans, and a slightly lower number of potential adoptive parents are able to afford all of the fees, so there is a slight increase in placements for her lately.

Which makes me a little nervous. But in a good way.

We still want an attorney to review her contract before we send it in, but once that is reviewed, I think we'll be moving forward.

It's just so difficult for me to accept that this may happen. I can't explain it, but my nervousness comes from being in a place where I was convinced that we just couldn't be parents. Maybe that's not the right way to explain it.

While we were going through fertility treatments, I had a lot of hope at the beginning. Hoping to be pregnant was easy for me, I guess. Once I was pregnant for a while, I might be able to start planning a little. Yes, of course I know that terrible things happen with some pregnancies and sometimes, and nothing is a guarantee. That being said, barring horrible and unforeseen circumstances, you do have a time line. I like time lines. I like to plan.

But you just never know when a match will happen. You never know how far along the expectant mother will be. Sometimes they're a week from their due date. Sometimes they're more like 20 weeks. I'm not sure which scenario would be easier, though. Knowing about a match for 20 weeks before the baby arrives seems nice in some ways -- it can give me that 'planning time' I seem to be longing for. But it also seems to me that the earlier the match, the higher of the likeliness that a match will fall through. Maybe I'm making that up in my head and what will really happen is I will just have more time to image how things might not work out. As a worrier, that's a distinct possibility as well.

Anyway, I guess I'm in another transition period. I have to bring myself into a place that can accept that at any time we might be matched and we might bring home a baby.

I find it difficult to even type that.

Maybe I need to start therapy again.


luna said...

the lack of timeline and planning is hard. in some ways you have to think of this time as your planning, yet there are things you probably don't want to do or can't, so it's a challenge.

for me, the pros about a long match are that the expectant mother will have a better opportunity for good counseling and may feel more assured in her decision. plus, there's more time for you to bond and build a relationship. but of course, there's also the chance of growing more attached, even though anything can happen and you can't know the outcome. either way it's a leap of faith.

what I hear about last minute placements, depending on how they come up, is that at least you don't have time to worry too much, you just jump on in and see if it feels right. but you have to be ready...

B said...

I can understand that feeling - if you want to compare this i guess this time is like your "pregnancy" only you don't know how long it will go for.

And I think for people who have had ongoing trauma in relation to fertility often have a hard time believing that the situatio will ever change - even when the evidence is to the contrary.

It's so hard - but very understandable. (And it's also getting a little bit exciting?!)

Sorry if I am jumping ahead - but I'm happy to hold your flame of hope for you if it is too hard to carry it for yourself. And you can do the same for me in return.

love Barb

Samantha said...

I'm glad things are moving forward with the process, but I can see where it would be so hard with so many uncertainties. I think Luna outlined the advantages and disadvantages of a quick placement versus a long match. Either way, it's go to be hard to imagine it will happen, but it WILL.

hope548 said...

It is really hard to believe it's actually going to happen. My husband and I were matched about 2.5 months before the birth. I don't think our BM ever wavered, but I sure worried that she'd change her mind. It's probably not easy either way it happens. When we were finally matched, I got excited and then I got scared. As long as we tried to become parents (right about 6 years), when it finally seemed like a real possibility, I got nervous. You will make it through this, and it's ok to believe it's really going to happen! Good luck!

astral said...

I'm a planner and I can understand wanting to know early. I'm very excited for you. I'm keeping my fingers crosses and thinking good thoughts!!

Tammy said...

I'm came by via the Creme 2007, seeing where everyone is these days. And I just wanted to encourage you in your wait, to know that there are many who have experienced that hard balance between hope and reality. And it really took my back a few years, you last two sentences, the difficulty of actually admitting that you might have a match sometime soon.

For us, we went from done (as in closing the door on the semi-finished nursery with all the parenting books thrown in on the floor...this was 13 months into our wait) to speaking to an expecting mother in one week. It is unbelievable the emotions of a journey like that. But I encourage you to take it day by day and don't lose hope. No promises of course, just enough for today.

I have no words of wisdom regarding long matches as our agency didn't do things that way. We were matched for 48 hours the first time, two weeks the second time. It was a whirlwind but for us, it seemed very right to jump in with both feet to see what happens. The down side is that you enter into what is and will become a highly emotional experience with someone is for all other reasons, a stranger. That was really hard for all of us... we muddled through but communication was tough at times.

Hoping something happens very soon for you... blessings...