Discussion

So, the director of our adoption agency called yesterday. She felt really bad about the adoption falling through and told me she is going to make a few phone calls on our behalf and has put us at the top of her priority list in terms of finding a match. I thought that was really nice.

All things being equal, I think I'd rather an adoption match work out. I will explore embryo donation, and I would do it too, but the idea of going back to the RE and the IVF operating rooms just freaks me out. Also, as someone who has come to terms with never gestating a live child, to go back is really difficult emotionally. Some people might be super excited at the prospect, I suppose, but I guess I had just completely given up on it that the idea of going back to hoping is just terrifying.

We want to do whatever is fastest, so I guess for now we are technically going down both roads. I have no idea what is going to happen.

Happy & sad

Going through a pretty hard core "feeling so very happy & elated for other people and totally feeling so sad for myself" mixed feeling kinda thing here.

I know that's ok. I know it's normal. I know it will never 100% go away.

But feeling it still kinda sucks.

Getting over it

I have to say, I surprised myself this weekend. I've slowly noticed things changing for me, but it really struck me on Saturday.

We joined a playspace coop nearby for the winter. It's afternoons only and I knew I'd be going stir crazy if I didn't have somewhere to go with H after nap. I'd heard from neighbors that it was a good place to go and there was an open house there this past Saturday. I decided to take H there to check it out and to sign up.

It was great there! It was pretty crowded and of course full of kids. And of course TONS of the moms there were visibly pregnant. And you know what? I didn't care. I really, truly didn't. I wasn't jealous. I didn't get sad. I didn't feel much of anything at all.

I guess I've finally, finally come to accept that I will never be pregnant and give birth to a child. I don't have a lot of choice in the matter, and this is just how it is. Being angry and jealous isn't going to change that. I have H, and we will get another child, and they will be my family and that's how it is.

I will never say that on some level I wish that my children didn't have to have two sets of parents or that they could have been biologically related to me. I will never say that I'm thankful to have gone through infertility. But I have come to accept that this is my life. I have a wonderful son, we will have another child, and that will be that.

I don't think I'll ever be ebullient upon a pregnancy announcement. I will never enjoy seeing a F@ceb00k ultrasound.

But I am okay with never being pregnant and experiencing child birth, and I don't feel particularly jealous of people around that anymore.

On Adoption

There are two women at work that I see regularly who are pregnant. I generally do pretty well around pregnant people -- I just have a twinge of jealousy, a small internal eye-roll and a small amount of panic that they're going to talk about it. I cannot really talk about pregnancy.

But the other day I just had this realization that I really will never, ever be pregnant long enough to give birth to a living baby. This thing that women around the world generally do, I will never do. And I will not be excluded from this thing that women do by choice. I was boxed out of it against my will, despite Herculean efforts.

I know when I have my baby (babies) I will love them more than anything. I know I am emotionally ready to be an adoptive parent. I have never been more sure of anything.

But I just can't believe I will never be part of that club. And it really does make me sad sometimes.

Independence Day

Yesterday was Baby S's second birthday. I asked E&R for a referral letter for our adoption. I also found out that E had her third miscarriage and D&C last week. That really sucks. I feel so bad for her. I knew she would get pregnant again before we had a baby, and I'm so, so sorry that she had to have another miscarriage. It's so unfair and it really, really sucks. But I'm also jealous that she was able to even get pregnant. Which is kind of silly, I suppose. She has suffered so much loss too, but she has never endured any ART and has had a live birth. Still it really sucks to have to endure so many losses. I know her son and the lack of ART is no comfort to her in this situation. A loss is a loss no matter what. It's a horrible place to be in. That being said, I'm selfishly kind of sad that they're trying again, though we had discussed it before and I knew it was coming. I thought I would be completely distraught on S's second birthday being still childless with no hope on the horizon yet. I was certain I'd be pregnant, at least by donor sperm by now. And here they are trying for #2. And failing. And having losses as we've had losses. But also having had some success. The whole thing just fucks me up and puts me in a weird place. I hate that everything about all of this stuff makes me unhappy. But it does. I'm not sure how I'm going to take E's second pregnancy. During the first one I was sure I would be pregnant at some point, if in some non-traditional manner. This time I don't have any hope for a healthy pregnancy. I could probably cope okay if we had a baby, but being childless through another pregnancy will probably really hurt.

Yesterday I was so happy and felt so lucky. My name got chosen at random to be let out of work with pay early. As I work in a call center, that is a rare occasion indeed. I never win anything out of luck. Ever. Yes, several people were chosen, but still I was convinced that this was a sign that things were going to go well for us this year and that things were looking up. But now I'm back in a dark and gloomy place.

Hopefully tonights fireworks will make me feel a bit better. I absolutely adore fireworks.

I'll leave you with some more pictures of our trip.

Badlands National Park, South Dakota.


Me on Jackalope. Wall Drug, SD. (Ignore my fat rolls, please.)


Devil's Tower, WY.

Yellowstone National Park, WY