Visit

We visited with CC, Henry's birth mom, today. It was a great day. H was hesitant at first but warmed up quickly. He gave her a flower and wanted to show her everything and play with her. He wouldn't give her a hug, but he was happy to see her. He knew she was special to him. 

When I showed him Violet's ultrasounds before she was born, he wanted to know if there were any if him. I never got any, but I told him he could ask CC when we saw her. Guess who remembered to ask today. Henry amazes me all the time. 

So glad we got this time together. 

Here are the kids again. Henry asked to hold Violet every morning so far. 

One week

There is one week left until the baby's due date.

I just spoke with the social worker. K is still committed to the adoption. But she knows how difficult it is going to be. My heart is breaking for her already. She doesn't want to meet us or see us in the hospital or anything. She wants to have the baby, see him once and then leave the hospital and try to move on.

I am in a very sad place around all of this. I know adoption is difficult, and I remember clearly how difficult it was to leave the hospital with Henry and watch CC and O. drive off without him. My heart broke in that moment and I do carry that around with me. My heart is already breaking for K.

So, even though the baby is due in a week, we probably won't fly down to go to him until after the consent forms are signed.

Most likely he will go in the NICU because of the meth@d0ne, though it isn't guaranteed. We have no idea how long he might be in there.

I just wish I could plan around this. Things are crazy at T's work and I don't know how to deal with a very active almost 4 year old while waiting around for his newborn brother. My parents want to come down with us, but I don't want them to know about the meth@d0ne.

I am feeling stressed and ready and sad.

Waiting game commence.

Two months left

Two months until K's due date. We have been telling Henry that he is going to be getting a brother. This morning he asked me, "Why isn't my brother here yet?" Perhaps we told him too early. He is clearly thinking about what it will mean.

He's asking about where his brother is now. I told him he is in his birth mom's uterus. Then I asked him whose uterus he grew in. He said me. This is the first time he has said that. But I said no, that I couldn't grow a baby in my uterus. I asked him again and he said CC's name. He is clearly thinking about things.

I am starting to feel anxious, but I also just want this wait to be over.

I am assuming that the baby will need to stay in the NICU for a month (which is pretty much worst case scenario) and I just don't know how we will handle that. I have kept the maintenance method of the expectant mom to myself, not letting the family know. I don't know how I will keep it from my parents if they come to FL when the baby is born to help care for Henry.

But this wait is so difficult. I am emotionally prepping the best I can, but we have been matched for a long time now. I hope I didn't make a mistake telling Henry. Not sure how to explain if K changes her mind.

But things are still moving forward. We have two months until the baby is due.

Yikes.

Labels

When I die, am I going to be labeled H's adoptive mother and CC his mother? I don't begrudge her that title. She is truly his mother and gave him life. I would never recognize her as anything else.

But I'm his mother too.

(It was this article that made me write this.)

I feel like I should post

I've been thinking about my abandoned blog lately. I don't feel like blogging anymore, obviously. I am busy parenting and I'm not sure I have any useful insights about adoptive parenting or parenting in general or whatever.

We never heard from CC and O. about the potential next baby. I will call them within the next month or two, but I no longer think this will happen. It bums me out a little, but it's fine. Regardless, we need to complete our paperwork for kid #2. Doing so while parenting is proving more challenging than anticipated. It's also bringing back some emotions I thought I was rid of. I'm angry that I have to do all this paperwork. I'm annoyed that I need to have a notary to have a kid. I'm frustrated by the financial aspect of this all.

I need to put aside some time to fill out the paperwork, but I'm just having a difficult time. I need a kickstart.

On the positive side, I have the absolutely best almost 2 year old ever in the whole wide world. Really, that's objectively true. His grandmothers agree with me, so it must be.

CC called

Out of nowhere, CC called me. I missed the call, but I called back. I wasn't sure it was her when I was calling back, but it was and I talked to her on the phone.

They moved and the packages we sent didn't get to her. The agency mailed them to her, but she never received them. She said she'd send me her address and I'd resend them. She said she got our emails, etc.

It wasn't weird talking to her, even though I haven't talked to her in over a year. She sounded good and happy. Good things seem to be happening in their lives. They've had a bunch of not so great things happen, but they seem to be going okay.

I told her how well H was doing. We talked for about half an hour. I was walking home from H's music class. I didn't block our 'real' number so I think she has our last name and my real phone number now. (We originally gave her a forwarded number to her.)

It was nice to hear from them. We had been worried about them. I feel really badly that they hadn't received the last updates. She was bummed too.

I like that we can talk to them. I'm not sure what our open relationship is really going to be like. I am certain I want to communicate with them regularly, but I'm not certain what that communication is going to look like. I don't like unpredictable things, so that part of this makes me nervous. But It really was a relief to hear from them and that things are going pretty well.

video

One of the videos I posted on the blog I created for CC and O. was viewed in FL, where they live, via the blog. I think one (or both) of them watched it.

:)

Worried

I'm a little bit worried about CC and O. Neither I nor the adoption lawyer has heard from them for 6 months. I have a blog with videos of Henry for them to watch and I have a y0utub3 video embedded on it and they haven't watched it.

They are normally very online.

I'm concerned. I do have some old phone numbers for them, but to be honest I'm afraid to call them. My last interaction with O. was a little uncomfortable and that was via IM. I'm not sure what I would do if it went that way on the phone.

We don't have much of an established relationship, so I'm not sure how to navigate this. They really wanted to maintain contact with us throughout Henry's life, so I want to make sure I know how to contact them.

Perhaps they just want some space, but that's not the feeling I get. The feeling I get is that they've hit a rough spot. I guess I just have to be patient and hope this rough spot gets smoothed over and then I will hear from them again.

But I remain worried.

Busy

Life is busy. Henry's schedule really fills the day and I find it difficult to do too much. We're working on getting a mortgage and whipping our current house into shape so that we can get it on the market.

After our home inspection we found some issues with the house. Then we found some more. We're currently at an impasse with these negotiations and I'm not sure what's going to happen. We may come to an agreement and we may have to walk away.

I'll be okay if this falls through. I find this terribly nerve wracking. I think T will have a much harder time with it, but I told him that if this doesn't happen then it just wasn't meant to be. We've decided to still put our house on the market even if this falls through. I might secretly hope that it does fall through, or at least that things get pushed out even further. But if they don't, I guess that's okay too.

Henry is getting more and more mobile every day. He had his 9 month appointment and he weighs 20 lbs 9 oz! I can't believe it! He's eating all sorts of food and he's getting very independent. He is learning to drink from a sippy cup, which I'm pleased about.

I wrote an email to CC and O. and sent them some pictures and a link to some videos. I told them we'd love to hear from them. So far I haven't heard anything. I hope they're still online enough to receive the email. I can't imagine them not online, but I guess you never know what can happen.

I feel like so much is going on that I haven't been able to hang out with my other mom friends much lately. I feel bad as I was just forming some new friendships and suddenly I haven't seen anybody in a few weeks. Henry has been taking long naps in the morning making it difficult to get out of the house. He just seems to nap a lot right now. But I still like being home and I don't think I feel particularly bored, so I guess things are going okay.

Tomorrow my parents are coming over to watch Henry while T and I clean like the dickens.

CC and O.

I emailed CC and O. yesterday with Henry's 3 month update. I included many of the adorable pictures I have posted here. And CC emailed me back! I am delighted. She sounds really good and she definitely adores the pictures. She sees how much Henry looks like O. (he really does) and she even said in her letter, "I'm just glad he's happy and healthy and we made the right choice." We also asked a few questions about their family and got some answers. This is what openness is all about.

I am over the moon that she responded! I am so glad that she sounded like she is doing so well. I hope O. is doing as well as she is.

Hearing back from CC has renewed my faith in the openness of Henry's adoption. This has made my day.

Oops, Henry is stirring from his nap!

All good

I'm still here. I guess I don't feel like I have too much to say. Motherhood is the best. I absolutely love it.

My biggest concern is still about work. I've sort of decided that I want to quit my job and stay at home. However, I feel like I can't know that for sure unless I try working part time. I also feel like it would be terrible for my already lousy resume to quit. But when I think about returning to work, I basically want to cry because I feel so strongly that I do not want to. I wish I could convince myself that not going back to work was the right thing. I'm not sure why I can't accept that about myself, but I seem to be having a difficult time with that. My husband fully supports me no matter what I do. I think he wishes I would believe myself and just quit and stay home. But there's just this lingering feeling in my stomach when I think about quitting that I'll regret doing that some day.

Henry is growing. He's hit six weeks and is really changing. All his predictability has been thrown out the window. One day he barely napped at all, and the next day he slept all day. His night sleeping continues to improve and now Bdog is more likely to cause me to be sleep deprived than little H is. Between the two of them, though, it definitely alters my sleeping patterns. I wish Bdog didn't start getting hyper at like 5:30.

We sent a 6 week letter and email to CC and O. We didn't hear back from them. I can't say I'm not disappointed, but I do understand why they didn't reach out. Maybe next time. I'm going to send another email in November.

Nothing else to report. I guess I see why people stop blogging after becoming parents. I'm not planning on doing that, but right now I don't have too much time to report on my parenting and adoption experiences.

Oh, I am trying to facilitate an adoption group that meets once a month, locally. It's meeting for the first time on Saturday. I'm interested to see how that goes.

Henry just spit up on himself. Gotta go!

Happenings

We had the hearing test today. He passed! His hearing is within the normal range. I suspected his hearing was fine because of his reactions to noises. However, it is still a relief to have a test confirm it.

I sent off our first letter to CC and O. yesterday. I printed some pictures and wrote what I could think of. I feel like our letter is woefully inadequate. I do plan to send them and email with some additional pictures this week. I want to tell them to let me know if they want the electronic versions of the pictures we printed. In fact, I just looked at the contract we signed and I think I left out some information that I'm supposed to supply. But I'm hopeful that because I'm going to encourage them to ask if there is something they want to know that we didn't include, that this will work out.

I feel so crazy busy. People keep telling me that I might get bored, but at this point I can't imagine it. I still worry about what's going to happen with work. I went back to visit yesterday and no one did anything but assume that I'm going to come back to work full time. I'm not. In fact, I'm dreading the idea of returning at all. I'm definitely thinking about staying home, but I haven't made any final decisions yet.

I just made myself worry about the letter and pictures. Dammit, I hate when I do that. I tend to lose sleep over things like this.

Things are good. I love being a mom, and I definitely feel a lot more like a mom. Our boy is precious, and I know he is comforted just by my presence or my voice. I can't believe this has finally happened to me. I am enjoying every minute of it, even the exhausted ones.

One Month

Little Henry is one month old today.

We finally gave him his first 'submerged' bath (instead of a sponge bath). He handled it like a trooper. He is such a good baby and sometimes will even go almost 5 hours between feedings at night. Too bad it's from about 8:30-1:30 instead of like 10-3... but I'm not complaining. I know how lucky it is that he can even go that long.

He is waking up more and focusing a little more every day. We are so happy to have him as our son.

I have to start writing our first letter to his birth parents to be sent to them at 6 weeks and would love some advice about what to include.

Happy one month little Henry! We love you!

Open Adoption: Birth Story

I left work early on Friday. I knew the call would come soon and we had so much crap to do -- I had to pack up stuff from the back bedroom, move out a bookshelf, take the bed out, etc. The plan was to work all day Saturday.

But then came a phone call at about 9:30 pm. I was getting ready for bed. It was the attorney's office and she asked if my bags were packed. CC (the expectant mom) was in labor. She was 5 cm dilated and 100% effaced, so we knew it would be soon.

Of course I wasn't packed, so I worked on that. I yelled downstairs to my husband. We needed plane tickets. His office will buy flights for people to pick up their adoptive children as a benefit. He got on the phone right away to book. Then he got put on hold. For 45 minutes. He called one number. They told him to call another number. At that number they told him to call the first number. He sent emails and left voice mails. Nothing.

While he was working on flights, O. (the expectant Dad) called us. He just said "Listen," and held the phone to the air. I heard a baby crying. Then I started crying. Then I ran over to T and had him listen. Then T started crying. There we all were, listening to the first cries of our soon-to-be son and we were crying too. I will forever be grateful to O. for making that phone call.

With many trials and tribulations that I will not go into here, we made it to FL and to the hospital. We went right into the room. We met CC and O. and I gave them both a hug. Then the nurse wheeled the baby in. I cried again. I held him.

The five of us spent the next day and a half together. We took pictures and took turns holding the baby. We talked about names and all sorts of other things. We explained to them how we chose his name. We laughed and we talked about how we would communicate after T and I took the baby home.

When CC was due to be discharged, the paperwork had to be done. We decided to have CC and O. spend the last half hour before the paperwork started with the baby. We left the room. We asked the nurse what CC and O. wanted to do regarding leaving the hospital. We knew the lawyers were in there with them at some point. We waited and waited and waited and waited. I almost started to get nervous even though I knew CC and O. were committed to this adoption.

Finally the lawyers came into the room. CC and O. had finished their part of the paperwork and it was time for ours. We did that piece and went over to CC's nurse. The lawyer's representative wanted to leave, but CC and O. weren't ready yet. The nurse figured out a way to let the lawyer go and let us stay for a little while longer. (CC's nurse was AWESOME! I can't thank her enough for being so understanding.) We spent more time together with the baby in the hospital room. We ate some lunch and talked some more. CC took a shower. We took more pictures.

We talked about naming the baby. They had some ideas of their own, but in the end decided to give him the name we had chosen for him.

Finally, it was time to leave the hospital. CC helped me work the car seat and we made sure that Henry fit into it. CC got into the wheelchair and a nurse took the baby. We took the elevator down. O. and T went to get the cars. I put Henry into his car seat. O. pulled up. The tech pushing her wheelchair seemed to almost give Henry to her to put in the car. My heart skipped a beat. T pulled up. I put Henry in the car. I hugged both CC and O. again. T went to say his goodbyes to CC and O. We got into the car, crying. We watched CC and O. pull away with tears in their eyes. We cried harder. Our hearts broke. This is the moment that has forever changed me.

We pulled ourselves together and drove back to the hotel with our son.
-----------------------
Written for the Open Adoption Round Table.

We have a son

I haven't decided what I'll call him on this blog yet. Maybe Henry because we my blog is Henry Street? But he's with us now.


H's birth parents were amazing through this. I can't believe their strength. They helped me so much -- when it was me that should have been helping them.

They just love him so much.

I wanted to publish pictures, but I realized that violates their privacy. So they're not here.

His makeshift crib in the hotel room.

Everything is okay

I spoke to the attorney in FL. They had spoken with expectant dad. Everything is fine. Expectant mom is so done with being pregnant. She wants it to be over. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow and may ask to be induced.

While talking to the attorney's office we got to talking about money. This made me feel awful. It's terrible how much economics plays into the decision to place. I know for a fact that is not the only reason this couple is placing, but it is definitely a huge factor. I hate to feel like I'm 'buying' a baby.

I was sitting here reading parts of "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" and found something that rang true. Adoptive parent guilt doesn't really help the situation. It doesn't make us better parents. We need to let go of the guilt and do what's best for the baby. The expectant parents cannot provide what this baby needs for many different reasons, including financial ones. It is not fair, but it is true. We should be proud of them that they recognize this and made an intelligent choice in who to entrust with raising their baby
so that he will have a good life. We will make sure he knows this about them and how much they love him. We will communicate with them throughout his life so that they can see he is doing well and he can know who his birth parents are and who he looks like and where he comes from.

The attorney's office also mentioned that sometimes at the very end, near labor, expectant parents pull away from adoptive parents because the reality of what's happening is setting in. I get that. Makes sense.

But they're still talking to the adoption agency which means they are still counting on this plan. Though this doesn't surprise me. This nervousness comes more from me and my own insecurities than from anything this expectant couple has said or done. They have been nothing but reassuring, honest and up front with us. And I get the feeling that they like us and are happy with the match.

So, I guess I'll get an update after expectant mom's doctor's appointment.

back

We're back from nowhere. It was very quiet, very relaxing, and I'm SO GLAD to be home. We even came home a day early. The bed there was terrible. Nothing like being away from home to make you appreciate it.

Talked to expectant mom again. She's starting to dilate and she thinks it's going to be this week. (!)

She also mentioned to me that she heard about other situations where expectant parents change their mind and that she and expectant dad have thought long and hard about this and they took several months to come to this decision. I think she wanted to reassure us that she's not going to change her mind. I tried to say that I understand why someone might change their mind and that it's their right, but I think she was trying to convey a message to us.

It's a little awkward to talk about these things, but it's good. I said I wanted pictures of her and expectant dad at the hospital so we could make a book for the baby and read it to him to tell him about his birth. She was okay with that.

I think we're going to work on setting up the room now. I think I can allow myself to do that. Expectant mom wants the room to be ready for the baby.

It could be this week.

Holy cr@p.

Off

We leave for vacation tomorrow morning. We're going off the grid. No cell phones, no computers, just books and trees and each other. (And the dog.)

I'm really looking forward to it.

August is just about here. We keep talking about preparing for this possible arrival. People expect me to be excited about it. I don't feel the least bit excited right now. I do feel a little nervous, but I guess I don't really think it's going to work out. Something somewhere is going to go wrong. This has been our story for so long that I can't imagine it being any different.

Expectant mom seems to not want to talk about 'it' very much. We've talked a few times and she's happy to talk about her life and what's going on, but not about what's supposed to happen.

We don't know how much to communicate with them. We call because we want them to know we think about them, but we don't want to bother them.

So we wait. We get away. I really hope I can relax during this vacation and not worry too much. I seem to always find something to worry about. I was worried about work this morning, but now that I'm away from work I'm not worried about it. So I find things to worry about. I worry that things are not going to work out.

expectant dad

We spoke with expectant dad on the phone this evening. He was great. He's a little more reluctant about the adoption plan, but he knows it's best for them. We could just hear in his voice how much he wished he could parent this boy and it's just so hard.

We assured him this child would know how much he loves him. We assured him that we would let him know how this boy is doing on a regular basis. We said to him that we could possibly meet face to face at some point. We created an email address just for them to send us emails.

He told us he definitely knows that this is the right thing for his child -- he wants this child to have what he knows he cannot give the boy. But it so clearly hurts that he cannot provide this to the boy.

He asked if we were nervous and excited. We told him we were. We are.

But we are also sad for their loss.

MIL is here

My MIL is here from Oregon. We're taking her to Martha's Vineyard tomorrow for one night. We're boarding B-dog for the first time. It's only one night, but I hope he does okay. I think he might miss us, but he doesn't suffer from any separation anxiety, so I think he'll be okay. We went over to visit the house of the person he'll stay with and he totally peed in her house twice. I felt *really* bad about that. :( But she has dogs everywhere and he's never really been in anybody else's house. Still, it's a bad precident.

I think I've pinched something in my hip. I'm having a hard time standing up for more than 5 minutes. When I sit I'm fine, but standing up I get pain and numbness all the way down to my ankle. I need to get this fixed. I went to the chiropractor today, but it didn't really make a difference.

T's been having migraines lately. We wonder if it's stress from all this adoption stuff. They're really bad and it sucks.

MIL is a lovely lady, but we don't have much to talk about and she tends to not want to sit in silence and just talks and talks to fill in the lulls.

I'm supposed to talk with expectant mom again this evening. I called during the day, but she was napping. She asked that I call later tonight, so I will. She had a doctor's appointment on Friday. She said that everything is good, and she is having a 3 hour glucose test on Monday.

Time is going both incredibly quickly and incredibly slowly. I guess I will tell work that I plan to return, even though I think I probably won't. I'm going to tell them the week of the 20th. We'll switch to T's insurance just in case. If I don't return, they'd make us pay the premium and I don't want to get stuck with that. I still am not sure I even want to return, but if they'll take me back part time, I guess I'd consider it. I can ask them if they'll consider that about a month before my 'return' date.

I think we're putting off thinking about more baby stuff until MIL goes home next Saturday.

Still freaking out.
---------------------
ETA:
Spoke with expectant mom again. Less awkward this time. This woman really expects that we are going to parent her child. I just can't wrap my mind around it. She was giving me mommy advice!

1. Have a rocking chair in the baby's room.
2. Have a good nightlight so at night you don't have to turn on a bright overhead for diaper changes or feedings.
3. A bit of information regarding formula. (Not divulged here for privacy reasons.)

She wants T to give expectant dad a call so they can talk 'guy stuff.' Told her maybe next week because MIL is here. I'll have to help with that phone call, but I think it's important to talk to him.

Also, she thinks she might have ultra-sound pictures on a disk and offered to send them over to us. She said there were some good shots. I'm not sure I can look at them, but I do want her to send them over.

I can't believe that this is actually real.