Heard from them

I heard from CC and O. I don't feel like I can go into details here, but they are still interested in the sibling thing, they just can't do it right now. They will probably approach the idea again in November or so, though possibly before. But it's not 100% out the window. Not sure where that leaves our paperwork. I still should just get it done.

Feeling a little weird about other parent friends recently. I'm finding it semi-easy to get along with people and have our kids play, but pretty difficult to be really close with anybody and to be on the same page about most things with other people. It's difficult to explain without going into specifics, but I'm not good at being lonely. Today I'm feeling a bit lonely. Today it's mostly because I'm a planner and I'm finding that people, or at least parents with young children, are often not very good at planning. I find this frustrating.

Anyway, things in general are pretty good. It's hot and that wipes me out. I'm not good at keeping up with my chores when it's this hot out.

Here's Henry and his grandad on a recent sleepover there. He really, really loves my dad. It's so cute.

Disconnected

I'm feeling really disconnected from the world right now. I think part of it is because the people I know are no longer using Face.b00k. Maybe they're using Tw1tter or maybe they're using nothing, but there is not activity on fb for me any more.

I spend a lot of time walking the dog now, which is good for me physically and good for the zen relaxing. But I feel like I don't talk to anybody anymore, except for T. Work is pretty unfulfilling and I generally work quietly at my desk for most of the day. Then I come home and walk the dog and don't talk to anybody. And then I wait for T to come home. I definitely talk to him, and I enjoy talking to him, but I need more social interaction than that and I don't feel like I'm getting it.

I need to sign B-dog up for a training class with other dogs. Maybe that will help.

I hate feeling this isolated and disconnected, but that's where I am right now.

Lonely again

I'm feeling lonely. I'm feeling a little less sad, but I'm feeling very lonely.

I want to find a support group. An online one would be fine. An in person one would be any better. I want to find other people like me. I'm feeling like I can't.

I used to take such comfort in the online infertility world. There were so many people going through similar things as me and I found solace in the shared experience.

But I'm finding more and more that I can't identify with anybody's blogs. Most of the adoption blogs I have found either have a baby already or already have a child or are concurrently doing IF stuff. Usually it seems to be IUIs with clomid or perhaps injectibles. They certainly haven't have multiple losses and multiple failed IVFs and multiple failed donor IUIs and a miscarriage using donor gametes.

And that's the thing. I just feel like we've failed so spectacularly. We've failed so many different things. I want to meet other people who have failed at so many different things like we have, but frankly it's difficult. I can find other people who have suffered great IF losses. I see people with late term losses and still births. I see people with multiple failed IVFs. I see people needing multiple types of treatment and using donor gametes. What I don't see is people failing at things across the board. I guess I think that people's failures tend to be more concentrated, I guess.

I don't know. Maybe it's selfish that I feel lonely. Maybe I'm just too busy feeling sorry for myself to accept that suffering is suffering and that all these women share my pain. And I know that these people share my pain. I really do. But I just want to find some other spectacular failures. I don't know why I feel like I need this solace, but I feel like I do.

I wrote this yesterday when I was feeling more lonely. I'm not feeling this down right now. T and I are going to see Hell.Boy and eat some food. I'm decidedly looking forward to the A/C and the entertainment. It's hot here again.