Time out?

Henry enjoying himself at a friend's lake house. He was really into splashing with that spoon.

I feel so busy. I haven't even had time to do any of my mommy things or hang out with my mommy friends lately. It bums me out, but moving requires being busy ALL the TIME and I just haven't been able to do anything lately. Once the contractors are working maybe I can do a little something.

We now need to start thinking about packing up. I'm overwhelmed by this, but we need to start. We are hoping to move in 3-4 weeks so be better get cracking.

Met some new neighbors at the new house. There are teen-aged babysitters there. Right next door! Excellent. I mean, my parents usually want to babysit, but if they can't or I just need an hour or two it's an excellent option.

I want to feel relaxed, but I don't. Maybe once the P&S is signed I'll feel a little relieved.

And on and on.

No offers on the house yet. There was one family that came really, really close to an offer but decided one of the bedrooms was too small and so it didn't happen. It is so difficult when you can just taste things going well and then they just slip away. (Sound familiar? Seriously.)

We need to sell this house within two months or so, and we need to sell it reasonably close to the current asking price. I am so nervous.

Today was the first day I have been home with Henry by myself in over 3 weeks! I was really nervous about it because he's become quite mobile with the crawling since then, but things were pretty normal. We're definitely going to have to go out more because now that he's mobile he's got a bit of shpilkes and we definitely need to get out of the house. We went for a few walks today and I put him in the exersaucer on the porch.

He really likes to swing.

Quiet

Things are quiet. And by quiet, I mean busy in a normal way. Henry is beyond wonderful, as usual. He waved for the first time yesterday. He did it 2 or 3 times, so it definitely wasn't a fluke. I haven't got him to do it today, though. We'll keep trying.

He's eating finger foods and starting to move around more and more, though he still isn't doing a proper crawl.

I'm just so thankful every day that he is here, that I get to stay home and take care of him all day and that I truly enjoy it.

I guess I'm feeling a little wistful. The weather has been pretty good and we don't have to boil our water any more.

My week, in days.

1. H had vomiting and diarrhea.
2. I had vomiting and diarrhea.
3. T had diarrhea and vomiting.
4. It started pouring rain.
5. Boy cat got sick and had to go to the ER. (Still raining.)
   
6. The basement flooded. (Still raining.)
   
7. On the way to the vet for a follow up for boy cat, a HUGE pot hole gave me a flat tire.

Now, the good.

• The humans are healthy again.
• The boy cat is getting a lot better.
• I paid 2 random guys $20 to change my tire and they did a good job and it only took 15 minutes.
• It's sunny and it's supposed to be 60 degrees tomorrow.

Everything is going to be okay.

Not much

Nothing is going on.

I have to work on renewing our homestudy and sending an application off to the agency in FL, but I've done none of it. Perhaps I can try to do that this weekend.

I played hooky today and "worked from home." I did check in at work, but I have so little work to do that it literally makes no difference if I take an entire day off. I don't have enough work to do and just procrastinate most of the day. I wish I could find work fulfilling, but I truly do not. T isn't enjoying his job much these days, either. It sucks when work doesn't do anything for you and you aren't able to have the family you want to fill the void.

Things with the dog are pretty good. He's really good except for in the mornings. I wake myself up at about 4:30 every morning, and he's sometimes up already or I can't fall asleep because I'm listening for him. He's been barking by 5:15 or 5:30 and I'm trying to get him to quit that habit. If he was quiet until 6, I'm not even sure I could sleep until then anymore. Needless to say, I walk around exhausted all the time.

It's been raining for weeks and has finally cleared up, but now it's hot and humid. MIL is coming to town in about 2 weeks. Hopefully we'll take her to Martha's Vineyard for an overnight, but we have to figure out if the dog will come with us or we can board him somewhere.

We're having some people come over to give us quotes regarding fixing up the yard and adding the fourth fence so B-dog can run around in the yard off-leash.

I worry that I won't be able to handle both the dog and a baby, but T tells me to stop worrying about it. I guess I am the type that always needs something to worry about. I can't simply be happy. That seems pretty lame.

Maybe I'll try to upload our book now that I'm not doing anything.

Here's a pic of T & Me from my parents' anniversary dinner.

hair cut

I feel free.

Relaxing

This morning T and I are relaxing. T got up and walked Bdog while I napped. They came home and I fed the dog. We're reading and playing and mellowing out while drinking coffee. I feel like I should get up and go, but really I don't need to. Sometimes I'm terrible at relaxing. I'm trying.

Tonight we're doing a game night with some friends and tomorrow morning we're going to walk Bdog with a bunch of other greyhounds. Hopefully I'll have some good pictures. I'll leave you with these.

Think he's making himself at home?

not broken

I didn't break my hand. I did decide to go for an x-ray. It's actually doing a lot better today, though it is bruised, cut and swollen.

Took the dog out and 3 minutes later it started to rain. Walked him for a while, stood under a tree for a while, and walked back to the house. As soon as we were home it stopped raining. It hasn't rained again since.

Adoption agency called to make sure we have our fingerprint paperwork for our home study renewal. We do. Are we supposed to have someone fingerprint us? Do we just go to the police station and ask them to do it? T and I are getting all up-in-arms again about how much we have to go through to be parents when some people just get drunk and forget to use a condom.

Looking forward to the weekend. Doing a game night on Saturday and then Sunday we're going to take B-dog on a walk with other greyhounds. We met one on our walk this morning and seeing another greyhound made him so happy.

Strawberries

Strawberries from our back yard. Yum.

No excitment here

There's nothing going on. Absolutely nothing. B-dog is definitely keeping us busy. He's definitely helped my mood a lot. He's a delightful dog and taking care of him has really taken my mind off the waiting and the other bad stuff. Adding him to our family has been great so far, and his adjustment has been speedy. He is doing really well.

We still haven't sent our application off to the second agency. We need to have new copies of our book printed up. We're working on that and we have to get it off soon. We're still just spinning our wheels here with our wait.

A co-worker was supposed to come and get our fish and fish tank as I don't want it any more. I don't take proper care of our fish, so I figured I'd give them to someone who would. This is our second try for him to come pick them up and it looks like he's a no-show again. He won't be getting another chance. I hate it when people say they'll do something and then simply don't show up without calling and saying they can't make it. Fine if he can't come, but he has my phone number. I don't have his.

Tonight is my niece's 10th birthday party. I think we're going to bring B-dog along. We'll see how that goes. Since it's Sunday night, we shouldn't be there for more than a few hours, so I think it should be okay. We brought him there once before, but that was before he was so comfortable with us. I want to socialize him so I think it's a good thing to bring him.

Nothing else doing. My job is just eh. I think about staying home all the time now. That's not too good, but it is what it is. It's not that bad -- it's just not good.

One day keeps following another. That's how it is.

Not our time

The expectant parents chose another couple.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed, but in all honesty it would have been much more of a shock to have been chosen. But poor T feels a little rejected.

Show and Tell

Because they are sitting shiva, they could not go to the baseball game. Their son loved the Red Sox, so they wanted to give the tickets to someone who they knew loved the game.

We went. The weather was lovely. It was certainly an exciting game. And we remembered the boy.

Fenway Park

Wish I had something to say

Both T and I are feeling down, still. I have PMS which makes things worse. We're both sick of everything and aren't really sure how to get out of our funk.

We're both glad baseball has started back up, and we enjoy watching Idol on the TV, though neither of us vote.

T's been buying some toys lately, which I have mixed feelings about. We bought me a W.ii F.it in order to try and exercise a bit more. I've done it for a few days, but gained a pound. I'm going to stop weighing myself daily. I think that's a bad habit.

We're looking into carpeting the stairs in our house. It's something that's overdue, but not cheap and not easy. We think we've made a decision about doing it, though.

I haven't done anything about looking into those other agencies, though I need to. I need to just pick one and fill out the paperwork. I wish I could figure out why I can't make myself do it. I mean, I know part of the reason is because I feel like we already did all of this -- which we did. But we'll end up waiting like 3 more years if we don't do something else and I'm not sure I'm prepared for that so we have to do it again.

Blah.

Not much

I tried to think about talking to my boss about her inappropriate comment, but the meeting I had turned into something bad, so I didn't. Because I misunderstood a procedure, I felt like I was being accused of trying to get out of completing my work or working hard enough or something. Anyway, I just couldn't bring it up, so that's that. Between her comment, some other comments she has made, and this encounter of feeling accused of not working hard, I'm not currently feeling so great about my boss. But it is what it is.

I'm trying to take this as something good so that when we get placed with a baby I won't mind quitting work and staying home. Isn't that funny?

Not too much is going on. We're feeling sad today. A colleague of T's has been ill and passed away at a too young age. T doesn't deal with loss particularly well. It's all very, very sad.

Saturday we are doing the MS Walk if anybody wants to donate.

I'm having second thoughts about our facilitator again. I think I want to work with an agency. We have to make a decision and fill out an application and commit before my pottery class starts. We're currently just wasting time and spinning our wheels. Why can't I move forward with this?

I heard this piece about grief on the radio today. This woman had lost her husband. I just couldn't help but think about myself in this situation, only the person (people) that I lost never actually existed. They were just concepts -- perhaps multiple cells. But the thing that has died is the person that would have been created had my DNA been able to successfully combine with T's DNA, and any of the thousands or millions of possible outcomes of that combination simply never will be. I really think they should have spoken with people who have failed all fertility treatments for that study.

My parents are going to be back from Florida today and I will see them this weekend. And despite all of this shit, I'm happy that baseball season is starting even though my fantasy team kind of sucks.

I'm glad tomorrow's Friday.

Head: better. Soul: not so much

My new cube was a bit better today. At least, I didn't feel like I was hallucinating. That's a start. I felt a headache coming on a few times, but I ate, drank water or got up and walked away and managed to hold it of. I also wore a hat and despite my hat head it blocked some of the light out and I think it helped a bit.

I am, however, feeling sad. One of the HR women at work is adorably pregnant. The other day she chose to sit next to me out of an entire, huge room of people. Plus, I'm feeling really fat. My pants are all tight, my shirts are all a little bit small. I have been exercising a couple of days a week, but I'm still eating kind of poorly. I don't feel like I have the energy to try to eat healthy, even though it's probably not that difficult.

My new job is weird. The people I work with are a little odd and it's not very social. I tend to eat lunch in my old department because people are rowdy and fun there. Also, two people were just hired in the Training department, which is also rowdy and fun, and I kind of feel bad that I didn't get to apply there. I was a teacher after all. But since I got offered and accepted this job back in November, I didn't even have the choice.

Again, even as I move forward, I feel like I'm not. The whole world moves and I just sit here. At least I sort of feel like if we did get a baby that I wouldn't mind quitting my job to stay home. But that just seems like a far off dream and pretty moot anyway.

If work sucks and family sucks (even though my husband doesn't suck), then what's the point? I just don't get it. Yes, I have a great husband, but I'm just not sure what else I am accomplishing here on earth. No, I'm not suicidal, but I'm sad because I just don't understand the point of life. I used to be this smart, fun person with the whole world in front of her. Now I'm just someone who never had the right job and wasn't able to have children and is just getting old in a job she is too smart for. I just don't get it.

Confusing

Sometimes I confuse myself. I feel like I don't communicate enough with other people. I'm a pretty outgoing person and I like to be active in my relationships with people. I like getting email and comments and notes on my wall, etc. But I'm not particularly great at reaching out, which means it's silly for me to expect attention back. Plus, I don't have much to say about anything. I don't want to talk to my long, lost friends because I don't want to talk about our infertility and our waiting for an adoption to happen. But if asked, there's nothing much else going on with me. Sure, I can talk a little bit about my new job (which is going well so far) or I could mention my latest knitting or crochet project, but I'm not sure how interesting it is. And the people I'm friendly with already know about these things. There's only so much to talk about when it comes to cooking or crafting or work. I just feel dead in the water and conflicted. Do I want to talk to people or don't I? The answer is, I'm not sure.

And I haven't heard anything from our agency.

And here are some alligators because someone asked about them.

Exhuasted

Work was crazy CRAZY busy this week. Crazy busy. T has to work all weekend. Stress levels are high. I'm exhausted.

Going to watch the Daily Show and play on our Wii.

Filled out some of the facilitator application yesterday. We're slowly going forward with this new step.

So tired.

Ouch

My neck hurts.

I have a huge knot in my upper shoulder and my movements are restricted and I am in pain. I can't find the heating pad.

Tomorrow my department is having it's Xmas party. It's a casino night. I'm going without T.

T is going away on Sunday for work. He'll be gone until Wednesday. My friend S is going to stay with me. I'm hoping it's fun to have a few days with just girls, but I usually don't like it very much when T goes away. I like it when he's here.

I got an email from the facilitator. I totally haven't been thinking about any of it. I didn't feel like re-doing the booklet. That's what I told her. I also need to talk to people who've had a placement with her.

Oy.

All this thinking is making my neck hurt more.
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Just called a bunch of numbers on the reference page. Left one message. Talked to one person. They have 2 kids at this point, so we're going to have our real talk on Saturday.

That's something.

Bored.

I'm filled with ennui. I'm just bored of everything.

Yet, my motivation sucks.

Any suggestions?

Starting 2009

I didn't have to drive the crazies today. That part of my life is over, and it's sweet.

I'm starting to do some work for my new job, and I should be having a discussion to talk about the new job in more detail soon. It should start happening, which I am really looking forward to.

I'm trying to believe that 2009 is a new year and anything is possible. I'm trying to feel positive about it.

I guess I'm more ambivalent. I don't know how things will be. Things probably won't be worse and they could possibly better, but though I do still get sad, I think I'm mostly numb.

My mother asked about the facilitator the other day. I haven't done anything about it lately. I'm having second thoughts about her and think I may want to go with an out of state full service agency instead. But I'm not sure, and I need to talk about people who have completed adoptions using her. And I'm not sure my mother really understands how difficult all this stuff it. It made me sad that I haven't done anything else. I haven't felt motivated to change the book around, and I'm nervous about the way birth moms are given support when they have to leave the hospital without their baby. It made me really sad when she asked me about it. Now that we're waiting with our agency, I haven't felt motivated to do more. But if we do not want to wait two more years before bringing our baby home, so we need to do some additional searching.

Just like my desire to start exercising and losing weight (I am the heaviest I've been in years), I've been putting it off until after the holidays. And now it's after the holidays, but I can't seem to motivate.

Here's to motivation?