I'm sitting here at he computer knowing I need to get my ass in gear and work on the dear birth mother letter and our profile book, but I just don't know how to do it. I was thinking about it in the shower and now I'm feeling pretty sad. Since our social worker suggested that I think of it as a way to tell 'our child' his or her birth story I've been trying to determine how to think of that way.
But 'our child' is what's stopping me. How can I possibly imagine actually having an actual child? I cannot. I cannot think that way. So what am I supposed to do? How can I motivate. I am really struggling here.
All I can think of is all of our failure. How can I possibly imagine 'our child' when all we've had is loss? I just didn't think that suggestion was particularly helpful and I need something else to help myself motivate.
I just keep going over and over our story and it makes me so sad. It's amazing how many things we've tried and in how many ways things have gone wrong. I know I'm not supposed to think about it, but I do. Or I did. I was in the shower thinking about it and I went over our whole story again in my head thinking how the social worker would think it might be possible for us to have failure after failure and loss after loss but think about the book as something to share with our child. Clearly she hasn't had the same experiences as us. I believe she has two biological sons and a daughter from China, but I'm not positive.
And the other think I hate about it is that what these things are are marketing tools for T and me as a couple. I hate marketing. I think marketing is the cause of everything that is wrong with this country and I don't like anything that has to do with it. So I'm not very happy to have to market myself to someone -- especially someone who has to do something as difficult as create an adoption plan for her child.
I'm feeling so negative about this right now. How is this not awful?
Anyway, I guess I'll stop complaining and try writing. I think just getting all of this negativity out here might help me be able to work on the other things. So the blog might be even more negative than usual (if you can imagine such a thing) so I can vent and let all of the negativity out in order to enable me to work on these documents.