Going crazy

I'm starting to go nuts here. I think I might have PMS which is making me bloat and feel even more emotional than I already am, but this wait is KILLING me.

I can only think about things going wrong. I really don't think N is going to change her mind, but I know B is having a hard time with it. He may have already signed papers, which is legal in FL, but is this ethical? I'm also afraid about the baby having major health problems. I'm also worried about the unknown paternity. H had a rough weekend and I'm worried about dealing with him and the baby.

I'm just suddenly feeling so fearful and like everything is wrong about this.

It's probably just my hormones freaking me out, but I'm going crazy and not in a good way.

Breastfeeding

Did everybody see this new study about breastfeeding that came out?

Whenever I read about the benefits of breastfeeding, it makes me feel bad. There are two main reasons for this, I think. One is it reminds me of the part of the 'mommy' club that I'm not in. I didn't give birth to my child. I had no milk to give him. Secondly, it seems that many of my FB friends are vehement breastfeeding advocates. I've actually had to hide some people because it seems that 90% of their posts are about natural child birth and BF.

Even though no one has said this to me (except maybe LLL, but f#^k them) sometimes I feel like these people think that feeding your child formula is poisoning them or is like child abuse or something. They just push it so strongly that it makes me feel broken.

I'm pretty sure that most people understand why I don't BF my son. To be honest, I'm kind of glad I don't as it seems formula fed babies are a little bit easier -- at least they have been in my random, non-scientific observing of babies. (I know 3 bottle fed and tens of BF and all the bottle fed babies are MUCH better sleepers and generally more easygoing.) I like that I don't have to pump and that anyone can feed Henry without any fuss.

That being said, I just feel bad about it, and I'm so happy to be a mom and I love Henry so much that I hate that something like this makes me feel bad.

Parts of this don't feel good

The state where the expectant mother and father live is one of those states that created laws that bars gay people from adopting. During this journey I have not wanted to use an agency from that state, even though there are a large number of birth mothers that want to place their children who live in that state.

This situation came to us, but on the paperwork we have to fill out we both have to assert that we are not gay or bisexual.

I'm having a difficult time with this form and asserting these things. It's not right and it's not fair. At the same time, I don't know that I can walk away from these expectant parents that want to make a plan for their yet unborn son.

This is weighing heavy on me, but unfortunately I think I will make the assertion on paper. Then maybe I can make another donation to Lambda Legal. That seems so lame.
----------------------
ETA: I had to look at our financials for this state application, and though we had an almost 10% down payment and have been paying our mortgage for 4 years, we officially owe more on our house than it is now worth. The value of our home has gone down by about 25% since we bought it. Keep in mind that the median home value for a home like ours at the time we bought it was something like $375,000. That's almost $100,000.

bad night

I was happy to grill for the first time. In my excitement with the grilling I was running into the house and I slammed my left hand on the outdoor banister and I gouged my knuckle and my hand really hurts.

Then B-dog was acting funny - pacing around and walking in circles without stopping. We noted he was acting funny but didn't know why. There was a lot of dog activity across the street so we thought it was that. Then he peed in the kitchen.

He's never peed in the house before. In retrospect, that's why he was pacing around and acting so funny. Now we now. But we have a set walk schedule and I'm not sure why he couldn't stick to it today. Now I'm worried about leaving him all day tomorrow.

I can't type because my hand hurts too much from hitting it.

Tonight sucked.

Not a great day

I got rear-ended this morning. I'm fine, but my car is smashed up. T had some work laptops stolen. And AF is about to show up.

Not a great day.

And as I've said, when we don't have properly timed sex, by b00bs don't hurt, but when we do, they do. No timed sex means no sore b00bs this month. What's up with that?

End of a bad week

This week sucked. I am so glad it is over. Work was bad, life was bad, but mostly work was bad. These are two of the busiest weeks of the year, and I have been yelled at more than I can remember ever being yelled at -- and definitely the worst at this job. People are just very, very unhappy.

Today was slightly better, but it was just a crapfest of a week.

And now I'm really, really busy for the next week. We have something to do throughout this weekend through next weekend. I think our only empty days after today are Monday and Tuesday until next Monday the 22nd. And the 23rd is T's birthday, and he is not happy about it. Milestones suck.

The one good thing was today was slightly better, and I went to a meeting with my new department and got some assignments! So, I get to take some time to do some non-phone work in the upcoming weeks, which I'm really excited about. That and my taxi service ends in a few weeks.

The future is very, very slowly becoming the present. S l o w l y.

------------------------------

Just got the mail and we got the letter.

We are officially a waiting family with our adoption agency.

Alright

Have you seen those horrible Routan commercials? They're making me want to put a hatchet in the TV. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!