More searching

I called a new attorney in FL to expand our search. It's more money on top of all the money we lost on our failed match. But as my husband says, it's just money and we are very lucky that we can do this without jeopardizing our financial security.

I am so tired of waiting and getting older. I fear that H and his sibling will be too far apart in age to enjoy each other.

I want this all to have happened yesterday. I am impatient.

So, we will throw more money at this problem and hope that it settles quickly. But just calling this new attorney sent me to tears. I hope I can do this.

Parenting is hard

I'm usually pretty patient, but I lost it. I really, really yelled. My throat hurts. But he goads me and hits me and pushes me and he doesn't listen, and I just lose it.

There are some days, like yesterday, where I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with Henry and a newborn.  He has some real behavior issues.

I had him evaluated through the public school system in our town and they determined he needed some extra services. He has pretty poor social skills and some anger management issues. There is an integrated preschool at an elementary school where he can get some extra services. The thing is, though, that it is only three mornings a week during the summer. I had previously signed him up for a school that was 5 days a week from 9-3. That way I knew I would be able to handle him and a new baby. But we think it's really important that he go to this school because we really need some help dealing with him.

So, we could send him to the summer program I originally signed him up for, but then he wouldn't be getting the extra services. We could start the new school in the fall.

In the fall, he would go in the afternoons. I'm hoping to send him, in the morning, to the school where he goes now. The thing about that is, I have this fear that he's going to be asked to not come back to his current school.  It seems that Henry takes about 90% of the teacher's time in the classroom. He is disruptive, destructive and doesn't listen. (He is like that at home, too.)

I guess I have to hold judgement until I know for sure about the fall.  Meantime, I have to figure out something for the summer. I'm hoping maybe he can go to the place he went last summer for 2 days and then I'd just have to be concerned about the afternoons for 3 days. I'm thinking of hiring a babysitter for some of them, and then my mom can help.

Parenting is so hard, and Henry is really a difficult kid to parent. We are trying. I try really hard and am pretty good about being patient, but tonight I just lost it and I feel horrible.

I hate

Do you know what I hate? I hate when people I went to high school with show up unexpectedly in my life. Then I see how successful they are and how they have kids and have accomplished things in their life when I, who usually was better than them in school, have no career, a crappy job and no kids. I sit there, seeing them in all of their adult success while I have to sit there and feel embarrassed that I do fucking tech support in some crappy half job that someone without even a college degree can complete. I have failed at every job I have had and at trying to have kids and I have had to resort to some dumb job where I don't even have to really think in order to get by because I have had all of my pregnancies and IVFs fail and I can't even use my degree, which was a ridiculous degree to begin with, and I have absolutely nothing to show for my education and my intelligence.

I have a good husband, and I love him so much. We have a wonderful marriage. I really am grateful for that.

But aside from that, my life sucks.

Failure

I didn't get the job.

So, it is true. I just can't seem to succeed at anything.

Irony. Or not.

I talked to my RE's financial coordinator. She basically said we had pretty much no hope for being covered because a genetic defect is not a qualifier for using donor sperm under the rules of my insurance company. This is ironic because we were so excited to get my insurance so we could move on. I think we may have had coverage with T's insurance (though not at my current RE's office) and we were so eager to switch. We can't even go back to just doing monitored Cl0mid cycles with a trigger because now that our request has opened a can of worms and created a need for a semen analysis, they won't cover anything until they get that SA and T's SA will be normal.

So, we may have T do the SA, get rejected and have a lawyer write a letter. That is our only hope, and it is a slim one since according to the law, we are not infertile.

Or, we may go to another clinic and do a Cl0mid IUI using OPKs and just pay out of pocket.

Or both.

This is really hitting me hard. I kind of expected a rejection, but it's hitting me hard anyway. I am really coming to realize that although I have been pregnant four times, the chances of me ever giving birth to a child is extremely low. I will most likely never bear a child. Ever. Yes, I know that I can parent, but this loss feels huge to me right now. It's almost like finding out about our infertility all over again.

I really feel empty inside today. I am feeling my losses so acutely. I don't have the will to fight anymore.

Last night T and I decided that I am going to go on bcps for one more month because there is no way I can scramble together an IUI in two weeks, and if, by miracle, we get the medicated thing approved I'd be all ready. But I'm not sure if I really should do that because the chances of an approval is so small. I want to stop taking bcps and just try on our own. I mean why not? What difference does it make any more?

I am so sick of making these decisions. I want to be done and have a baby on the way, but that is just not how it's going to be in my life. It is going to be finger prints and FBI checks and home visits and waiting and not knowing and possibility and rejection and more waiting. It's going to be money and more money and waiting and renewing and not knowing.

I just can't think straight anymore. I can't make logical decisions any more. Logic has left me. I am a bitter, angry shell. I'm paralyzed. I literally do not know what to do anymore.

Over

I got my period last night. I called to cancel my blood draw tomorrow, but the doctor wants the negative on file.

Can anyone say mojito?