Sunday, November 04, 2007

Nothing and Everything

I sometimes still read blogs, but I honestly have dropped off in that area. I check in on a few, but I rarely comment anymore. And because I don't really participate anymore, I realize that not as many people will participate in my blog. I am fine with that. It's only fair. If other people's blogs make me sad, it only comes to reason that my blog probably makes other people sad. I do appreciate every comment that everyone leaves for me. Thank you for that.

Other people's blogs make me pretty sad these days. There are only a small handful of people who were in the thick of things when I first started that aren't pregnant. This makes me incredibly sad. I wish I could be a bigger person and be happy for all of the people for whom fertility treatments have worked. And in a way, I am happy for people. I often say I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. And it's true. I am so glad when people are able to achieve pregnancy (or adopt) and can get out of this hell hole of infertility. But that doesn't mean that it's easy for me to hear about other's pregnancies. I certainly don't want anything bad to happen to people. It has happened to me, and I absolutely do not want anybody to have to go through that. But again, I still find it difficult to read about heartbeats and milestones and symptoms and preparing for baby. I just can't deal.

Honestly, I also often feel resentful of people who are able to achieve pregnancies where there is a full genetic connection with both parents. I get jealous very easily these days. I know it's wrong, but I just can't help feeling that way. I know it will ease once I finally find my way out of this hell.

I know some day that all of this will be over for me, whether it is achieving pregnancy somehow or adopting. And I expect this blog to change when that happens. But it is difficult for me to imagine that day happening. And until then, this is all that remains.

11 comments:

Sara said...

Don't beat yourself up for feeling jealous. It's NOT wrong. It's human, and it's just a feeling. You can't help or control it. There is something about watching others move on into the next stage that makes the stage that you're still in seem that much lonelier. It's sad, but it's also true, and doesn't make you a bad or weak person.

Hang in there. I hope that brighter days come sooner, rather than later.

Samantha said...

Sara is right: jealousy is an emotion that you can't really control. I know that my jealousy has increased a lot since realizing that Plan A is just not going to happen. You need to treat yourself gently and do what's best for you. This place won't last forever.

Almamay said...

Well said.

You can only do what you are able to handle to get through this.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I agree with the other posters-you can't control how you feel so don't feel too bad about it. I've been in all of the exact places that you're at right now. I've felt the anger of not being pregnant while everyone else seems to be and I've felt jealousy towards families with total genetic connections to their children. That one dulls though and when you get your BFP this month you'll see that it will too. I wish you nothing but the best!

ultimatejourney said...

I noticed you haven't been around much, suspected this was the reason for it, and don't blame you in the least. You have to protect yourself first and foremost when you're having a tough time.

I'm still looking forward to celebrating with you when you get your long-overdue good news.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

There are some days that I simply choose not to read the bloggers who are pregnant. There's nothing wrong with that. Survival is key right now.

XOXO

Trace said...

I do know what you mean and yes, I have blogged about it a few times, while at the same time feeling like a selfish b*tch. I frequently stop reading adoption blogs when others who have been waiting for FAR LESS time than us get selected. Green monster? Yup. I do return a little while later, but it is hard.

Anyway, try not to beat yourself up. Knowing that it will happen one way or another and believing it are two different things.

JJ said...

Im still here with you...Im here to offer support and hope that you will still find comfort coming over to my part of blogland. I know exactly how you feel down to the last word you wrote...
Hoping that there are SUNNY days ahead...

Kristen said...

I agree - it is okay to be jealous. Hell, if you weren't, I'd wonder what was wrong with you. My commenting has dropped considerably but I'm trying to be better with it. I'm missing too much about the girls still battling.

I hope you can get off the IF island with the other survivors. I'm tired of being stranded myself.

XOXO

Evil Stepmonster said...

I totally understand how you're feeling, which is what brought me to cyclesista and your blog. Most of the bloggers I've been following now have babies, so I've decided that I need to connect with a new group who are at the same stage as me.

Please hold on to your hope.

niobe said...

Whatever you do, take care of yourself. If certain blogs bother you, just stop reading them. You have to protect yourself from feeling any more pain than you already do.

I know what you mean about having trouble imagining that things will ever be different. I know I can't.