I went out to dinner with some people from my last job. Though I didn't like the job, the people are very nice. So, we decided to get together for dinner and hang out. The group has disintegrated even more since I left. I'm two for two on that front. My job before my last job has also disintegrated. At least that means it makes sense that I left both of them. Anyway, I mentioned another former co-worker, the one who is adopted and moved to CA with her husband. The news? You guessed it. Oops! She's pregnant. They had planned to wait a year to start trying, but she wasn't on birth control.
It's amazing how that kind of news never loses its sting. My co-workers know that I've had some trouble getting pregnant and some of them know I've had a miscarriage or two (they don't know about the third), but I don't talk about it much with them, and I'm sure they don't know that news like that can make my ears ring leaving me unable to concentrate for several minutes. They don't know that this news is like a punch to my stomach. They don't know that this can make me want to start crying immediately as a release for the anger and frustration that someone's easy first and viable pregnancy creates in me.
I didn't cry. I kept chanting to myself, "I am not being depressed anymore. It's okay. Forget about it. I am not being depressed anymore." But I have to say, this news has definitely set me back a little. I have been doing very well not obsessing and not feeling bad for myself lately. I've been able to push the sadness and the anger and even much of the jealousy away. The ready-to-pop woman at work is hardly bothering me these days. But this blow was just a little more than I could handle.
It's amazing how bitter and jealous one person can be. I get so angry when people have so easily what I have tried to achieve endlessly and tirelessly for two years. I just feel like my losses are incomprehensible to these people and I just don't understand why poor T and I have got such a short end of the stick.
But I am doing a little bit better today. I'm trying not to think about it too much. It is sort of working, I think. I want to get back on my happiness track. It was feeling pretty good.
I have a phone screen on Monday, an interview on Tuesday and a Red Sox ALCS game tonight. My b00bs and nipp1es are a bit tender, but I'm absolutely certain it's Cl0mid side effects. I'm trying to decide how early I want to poas.