Friday, October 12, 2007

Why is it always so hard, or, the happiness quest day 6

I went out to dinner with some people from my last job. Though I didn't like the job, the people are very nice. So, we decided to get together for dinner and hang out. The group has disintegrated even more since I left. I'm two for two on that front. My job before my last job has also disintegrated. At least that means it makes sense that I left both of them. Anyway, I mentioned another former co-worker, the one who is adopted and moved to CA with her husband. The news? You guessed it. Oops! She's pregnant. They had planned to wait a year to start trying, but she wasn't on birth control.

It's amazing how that kind of news never loses its sting. My co-workers know that I've had some trouble getting pregnant and some of them know I've had a miscarriage or two (they don't know about the third), but I don't talk about it much with them, and I'm sure they don't know that news like that can make my ears ring leaving me unable to concentrate for several minutes. They don't know that this news is like a punch to my stomach. They don't know that this can make me want to start crying immediately as a release for the anger and frustration that someone's easy first and viable pregnancy creates in me.

I didn't cry. I kept chanting to myself, "I am not being depressed anymore. It's okay. Forget about it. I am not being depressed anymore." But I have to say, this news has definitely set me back a little. I have been doing very well not obsessing and not feeling bad for myself lately. I've been able to push the sadness and the anger and even much of the jealousy away. The ready-to-pop woman at work is hardly bothering me these days. But this blow was just a little more than I could handle.

It's amazing how bitter and jealous one person can be. I get so angry when people have so easily what I have tried to achieve endlessly and tirelessly for two years. I just feel like my losses are incomprehensible to these people and I just don't understand why poor T and I have got such a short end of the stick.

But I am doing a little bit better today. I'm trying not to think about it too much. It is sort of working, I think. I want to get back on my happiness track. It was feeling pretty good.

I have a phone screen on Monday, an interview on Tuesday and a Red Sox ALCS game tonight. My b00bs and nipp1es are a bit tender, but I'm absolutely certain it's Cl0mid side effects. I'm trying to decide how early I want to poas.


Somewhat Ordinary said...

I am so sorry! I wish that you didn't have to go through this. It is always hard to hear this kind of new. Hang in there because there are so many of us that can relate.

I'm hoping the nippies aren't from the Clomid!

Samantha said...

Pregnancy announcement are always hard for me. I hate it, but that just seems to way it is. {Hugs}

ultimatejourney said...

I'm sorry the dinner was so bittersweet. I really wonder if the hurt of other people getting pregnant easily will ever go away for me. I'm not sure it will. It just seems so unfair that some people have it so easy, and unfairness is something I've never dealt with well.

It sounds like your efforts to be more positive are really paying off. I'm sorry this process has been so incredibly difficult for you.

Anonymous said...

I think pregnancy announcements are painful, especially when your body is out of wack from fertility drugs. It just makes it that much harder.

Ms. Infertile said...

I'm so sorry. It is so hard to deal with people who seem to have things so easily when we struggle with all our might.

Trace said...

I so hear you.

Anonymous said...

Five years of this crap and still counting and the pregnancy annoucements are still hard on me, even when they're not blindsides. The reality that I'm still slogging away all these years later and they are moving on with their lives still hits hard.

Hoping that it's not clomid side effects :)