Starting over (sort of)

Thank you for all of your comments. I am feeling a bit better, though my sadness is still lingering in the background. Work, which keeps me busy and not thinking about my own problems, is a great help. I really feel I chose the right job for myself right now (so far). It is very helpful.

I did not take my bcp last night. T and I decided that we probably will try on our own this month. Whatever happens, happens. Most likely nothing will happen, which is fine. It is possible, though a lot less likely, that I may get pg and miscarry and even less likely that I get pg and it is healthy. But what do we have to lose by trying? We decided that I'm not even going to chart, though I can try OPKs if it moves me. I don't want to take my temp every day. It seems to stress me out.

I will need to organize everything for a dIUI at the out of pocket place for 6 weeks from now. I will need to get my test results faxed from the RE's office to the new office and I may need to go in for another meeting. I need to call them next week.

T and I talked last night about him getting the SA done and we agreed that he should, but as I type this I feel like I don't even want to do that. I just feel like fighting the insurance company is futile, and I don't feel that strongly about it, so why should I make myself angry and emotional when I have an opportunity to just move on?

What really bothers me about all of this is semantic. I am angry that T and I are not considered infertile. According to my insurance company, a genetic defect is not a qualifying event for the use of donor sperm. According to my insurance company, multiple miscarriage does not equal infertility. According to my insurance company, because we requested an IUI with FSH injectables, we cannot go back to just doing a monitored Clomid cycle because you are not allowed to go 'backwards' with your treatment. If I had the time and gumption I feel like I might be able to fight for some coverage, but at this time I have neither. It feels appealing that we will be done with all of these dIUIs in a mere four months from now. I just keep going back to that thought about us not being infertile, though. It galls me. But I guess that's what I get for trying to apply logic to a bureaucracy that tries to not pay for anything so that it can make money.

It has been 2 years since T's diagnosis, and almost two and a half since my first miscarriage. Cycling exhausts me. I need to use up the three vials of donor sperm we own, but I am feeling incredibly antsy and like I no longer have options. It seems that the bottom line is that we need to start a home study so we can move forward with adoption. If I am not doing injectables and whatnot, perhaps starting the home study process won't be quite so overwhelming.

The thing is, I feel like we have no hope to have a baby in less than about 2 years from now. I was pregnant for the first time when I was still 33, and it is a real possibility that we will not have our first child until I am 38. This disappearance of years of my life into a black hole of trying to start a family is devastating to me. I hear over and over that the 30s are the best times of your life. You settle down, work your job, start your family. I did one wonderful thing in my 30s, and that is marry my husband, T. He is sweet and supportive and I never thought I would love somebody the way that I love T. I really feel like our marriage is strong, even through this adversity. I don't want to diminish my marriage or my great relationship with T, but aside from this wonderful thing, my 30s have been hell. I have had a series of bad jobs, miscarriages and disappointments in trying to start a family. My grandparents all passed away, and I saw my delight in other people's children disappear.

I just want to have an average life with an average family. I am exhausted by this roller coaster, and I can't believe the wait and the roller coaster that lies ahead of us as we enter the adoption world.

Irony. Or not.

I talked to my RE's financial coordinator. She basically said we had pretty much no hope for being covered because a genetic defect is not a qualifier for using donor sperm under the rules of my insurance company. This is ironic because we were so excited to get my insurance so we could move on. I think we may have had coverage with T's insurance (though not at my current RE's office) and we were so eager to switch. We can't even go back to just doing monitored Cl0mid cycles with a trigger because now that our request has opened a can of worms and created a need for a semen analysis, they won't cover anything until they get that SA and T's SA will be normal.

So, we may have T do the SA, get rejected and have a lawyer write a letter. That is our only hope, and it is a slim one since according to the law, we are not infertile.

Or, we may go to another clinic and do a Cl0mid IUI using OPKs and just pay out of pocket.

Or both.

This is really hitting me hard. I kind of expected a rejection, but it's hitting me hard anyway. I am really coming to realize that although I have been pregnant four times, the chances of me ever giving birth to a child is extremely low. I will most likely never bear a child. Ever. Yes, I know that I can parent, but this loss feels huge to me right now. It's almost like finding out about our infertility all over again.

I really feel empty inside today. I am feeling my losses so acutely. I don't have the will to fight anymore.

Last night T and I decided that I am going to go on bcps for one more month because there is no way I can scramble together an IUI in two weeks, and if, by miracle, we get the medicated thing approved I'd be all ready. But I'm not sure if I really should do that because the chances of an approval is so small. I want to stop taking bcps and just try on our own. I mean why not? What difference does it make any more?

I am so sick of making these decisions. I want to be done and have a baby on the way, but that is just not how it's going to be in my life. It is going to be finger prints and FBI checks and home visits and waiting and not knowing and possibility and rejection and more waiting. It's going to be money and more money and waiting and renewing and not knowing.

I just can't think straight anymore. I can't make logical decisions any more. Logic has left me. I am a bitter, angry shell. I'm paralyzed. I literally do not know what to do anymore.

Denied

Well, we've been denied coverage for the injectable IUI. Not sure what we're going to do next. We probably will appeal, but I am just so fucking sick of all of this that I really don't know what we're going to do. But I have to call my RE's insurance coordinator to see what to do next.

See, what really kills me is that we don't meet the definition of infertility in the state of Massachusetts. By law, we do not have to be given coverage.

But really, how can we not be considered infertile?

Sitting here in limbo

Do you know that Jimmy Cliff song? It's mellow.

Except for relaxing, I did all of the things on my list. I had to schedule that pickup before writing this post so I could say that. I even managed to clean the bathroom. Yay me!

Things are okay. My job is pretty good and is keeping me busy, which I like. It's also good because when the clock hits 5, I can leave and not feel bad that I'm leaving. My time is all recorded on the phones, and my time is my time and that is it. It's great that way.

I got my letter from all my test results through the RE's office. It says I should contact a specialist regarding my MTHR: +2 A1298C (which means I don't absorb folic acid properly), but my RE didn't tell me I had to do that. So I'm not sure what's going on with that.

Still waiting on hearing from the insurance company, hence the limbo. I'm sick of limbo. I'm finishing the active pills on my pack of bcp's and I'm not sure if I should stop for the week and bleed or if I should keep going in case the insurance company approves. I'm leaning toward taking the break. It will only delay it for a week or two if that's the case. Right?

Right?

I'm going to a cousin's daughter's bat mitzvah this weekend and I realized that one of my cousins who had a baby will be there with the baby. It's her niece's bat mitzvah. My mom told me I'll have to go over and see them with the baby because I can't avoid them. I'm not sure I can handle that right now. They don't know about our issues. I know that they had issues and I'm sure they did IVF. Should I email the new mom and let her know what's going on with me, thereby basically telling that whole side of the family that doesn't know? Do I say nothing and avoid her? Do I suck it up as best I can, go over say mazel tov and high tail it out of there? I think I need some assvice.

Insurance freak out

I'm really worried that we are going to be denied coverage for our IUIs. If that happens I'm ready to sic lawyers on them, though, because we have previously been approved to have an injectable dIUI cycle with this insurance company (right before my most recent miscarriage) and because I'm certain they would approve and IUI with T's sperm and their expenses aren't any different from that scenario because we aren't asking them to pay for the donated sperm. I'm just worried about the time it will take and my emotional state if we do get rejected.

I know I shouldn't worry about this stuff and worry just makes things worse, but I am a natural worrier by nature and I just can't help it. I try to stop myself when I find myself freaking out about it, but so many things I do at home allow for a lot of internal reflection, and I just think and worry. Sewing, knitting, cooking and cleaning all allow for a racing mind.

We better watch a movie.

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I'm feeling sad. I feel like I'm surrounded by people who are pregnant and having babies, both infertile and not. I feel so left behind in the process of starting a family. We are no further along than we were over two years ago, and we still have a year or two more to go before we could possibly even begin to have a family.

And I mailed something to my niece and I guess I didn't seal the envelope properly and I guess the thing fell out of it or someone took it. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it just feels like another way I've failed. I understand that this is pretty stupid, but it's a card for an old digital camera, and we're not sure if those cards are available anymore and because of my stupidity and carelessness, my niece may never be able to use the camera we gave her.

I just feel so useless sometimes.

Meme and more

I've been tagged by Almamay.

Step 1. Reference back to the blog that sent you.
Step 2. Make a list of 5 things that you have to get done this week, no matter how small.
Step 3. Get 2 other people off their asses to get their shit in order.

1. Finish our taxes. We've started, but they have to be done.
2. Get some thread so that I can finish the curtains that I've started. I'm nearly done.
3. Call my mom. It's her 70th birthday on Saturday.
4. Set up a pickup for the clothes we have to give away. We still have some leftovers to donate to charity after the big clean.
5. RELAX!

I know I'm supposed to tag people, but I really don't know who's done this meme or not, and I don't even really know who reads this blog or not. So, if you want to be tagged, you're tagged. Oh, and I want to tag my husband, even though he doesn't have a blog. :)
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Got a message from my RE's office today. My insurance company wants a semen analysis from T. Now, a semen analysis doesn't mean shit for us. T's semen analysis is normal. He doesn't have male factor infertility. In fact, his numbers are pretty strong. After all, he knocked me up three times in 13 months. This isn't the issue. The issue is his DNA. A semen analysis will guarantee no coverage for us. After 5 unsuccessful dIUIs, 4 miscarriages and 3 failed IVFs with T's sperm, you think they'd have enough evidence that we need a little help. But no, that would be too logical. So now my RE needs to write a letter to the insurance company to explain all of this. This is especially frustrating because it's the same damn insurance company that PAID for ALL of that treatment! Feh. Nothing is easy.

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Update:
Yes, the insurance company should know about the BT already. I cannot explain the stupidity of that bureaucracy.

Also, I forgot to mention cleaning the bathroom. I really, really need to clean the bathroom.

Work and things

So, things are going okay. Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not alone. I know I am not, but it's amazing how comments like that can send me spiraling downward. You are right that the HR woman should not have said what she did. But I guess I will chalk it up to ignorance and try to move on.

Work is generally good. It's good to be busy and I'm learning things and everybody seems to be very nice. Of course someone in my training class's wife is pregnant and someone else has a 1 1/2 year old and the person sitting diagonally from me has pictures of his baby son on the walls and there is a bunch of baby talk, but I am mostly taking it in stride. And I like having somewhere to go. I don't like commuting, even though the drive I have could be way, way worse. I just hate it. But it's only about 30 minutes, so I know I shouldn't complain.

I've decided to do exercise, so I'm waking up about 30 min early and either using our elliptical or doing a yoga DVD. I've only done it for two days, but so far so good. I'm planning on alternating. Today was elliptical so tomorrow is yoga. I hope I can keep it up and maybe I'll be slightly less depressed and will lose a little weight.

We're going to another adoption seminar in the beginning of April. I feel like I need to keep going to these things because when I stop I start getting down about it. It is through ACONE and looks like it will be really informative. We are able to choose which programs we want to go to, and there's even one separate for men and women, which I think is great. I so want T to be able to talk with a bunch of other men about all of this.

I'm managing to keep the house in pretty good shape after the big clean up. That feels pretty good. I made some new curtains. I'm only partially done, but this is what it looks like so far. I'm pretty pleased with them. I feel like they've really changed the way the kitchen looks. I'm going to make a curtain for the top, too. And we have a door with a window and I'm working on a curtain for that too -- with another fabric on the other side so it looks good from the outside. I don't love sewing like I love knitting, but I do feel accomplished when I'm done. I was hoping to make the curtains a little longer, but this is how they came out, so it is what it is. I still think it looks good.

I am waiting on insurance approval for our upcoming cycle, so I don't have any news in that area. T and I still haven't decided whether to try to utilize that adoption benefit. I'm of the mind to not use it since if I do get pregnant on one of these cycles, I won't want to do the home study right then. If we put money in and don't use it, we'll lose it, so the less risky thing to do is to not put money in. Using the money post tax is less loss than losing the entire home study amount we put in there.

I always feel like I should make some sort of closing statement in these posts, but I don't really have one, so I'm going to just stop writing. I need to go make dinner anyway.

The world is out to get me

I hate feeling like the world is out to get me, but that's how I feel most of the time. I just found out that we aren't covered for my current RE under T's insurance. At all. We're going to have to pay for my SIS yesterday out of pocket.

We were told that the new insurance didn't have a contract with our insurance, but the second time we asked we were told it was fine. So we thought it was fine.

I am getting new insurance in three weeks with my new job. If I knew I wouldn't be covered I would have waited.

Now, it's not so much the cost that pisses me off. I mean, it's $500 that could be saved for something else, but that's not the real point here. It's just that feeling that no matter how mundane something is, it just never works for us. Something always fucks up.

I know that I am super lucky to have T. I do truly appreciate him and that we were able to find each other. That is one thing that is not fucked up and makes sense and the one thing I know is right. And we're lucky that way.

But I just feel like when it comes to everything else we are constantly getting screwed.

I like my RE

My RE is a good guy. I like him. He acknowledges the crappiness of our situation. He really, truly wants me to be pregnant. He actually said to me, "I can't wait to send you guys off to the OB." He told me not less than four times that he hopes I'm pregnant right now.

We settled on an injectable protocol if I'm not pregnant this cycle. It's a micro-dose Lupr0n flare protocol. That was the cycle that got me 5 eggs on our final IVF. They were mostly all the same size, too, which is the most important. I have a tendency to have one huge lead follicle with a bunch of smaller ones.

The bad news? What would cycling news from me be without some bad news? Come on, you know you were expecting it. Anyway, the bad news is that we can't squeeze it in before our insurance changes. So... we may take that break earlier than we had planned. Though, we will probably find a way to do a cycle by the end of January. With our new insurance it looks like we'll have to pay out of pocket and then get reimbursed. Yes, yes, that's much better than nothing. And we're paying more for the policy that covers 100% (we think). So, we'll be able to get a couple of cycles in while I hunt for a job that provides insurance with IVF coverage.

But of course, I might be pregnant right now!
(hahahahahahahahaha!)

I'm not temping this cycle. I'm trying not to think about it much. I'm trying to be lighthearted. Not sure if it's working. I am feeling myself up already, though. Nothin'.

Anyway, it was a fruitful meeting. I'm planning on POAS on Monday. Oh, and a second line did show up eventually on that test I took after trigger. And my RE convinced me with LH levels and E2 levels that my big follicle didn't ovulate early. He said follicles can grow up to 23 mm (about -- I forget the exact number, but it was big) with Cl0mid before ovulating.

So this is where we are. This month marks 2 years since I was pregnant the first time. I need this to be over.

hopeless already

I'm just already convinced it didn't work. I'm convinced that my large follicle ovulated too early and the smaller ones ovulated with immature eggs.

I peed on an internet cheapie just to be reminded what two lines look like and it came up with one line. Does this mean I didn't even trigger properly?

I cannot have hope that this might work anymore. IVF, maybe, but not this.

And I have to get a job so that I can have the insurance to do IVF. I have two interviews next week, one with a place from a placement agency and one at the place where I'm temping. Just like I can't imagine treatments working, I can't imagine being hired. I have had too many jobs in too short of a time to be desirable. Even though there are reasonably good explanations why I left each job, nobody wants someone who jumps around in the workforce and that's what my resume looks like.

I'm trying to remember that T and I are comfortable and we live good lives, but it's just so difficult to find comfort in this under these circumstances. I just feel constantly desperate. I am desperate. I am desperate for some comfort.

Trigger

My trigger shot is tonight. At my ultrasound I had two mature follicles, one at 22 mm and one at 21 mm. This is the first time I've ever felt good about an ultrasound. I was hoping for two follicles, but sort of expecting only one. Two is good. I'm happy with two.

The IUI is Friday. Both T and I are taking the day off.

If this doesn't work, we are going to switch donors, so we have to go back to the drawing board with finding someone we both think is good. We will first go over some of the choices we made last time.

If this doesn't work, we will also try to do injectibles next month, as it is the last time for a while that they might be covered by insurance. Our RE thinks this is reasonable.

Tonight we will be handing out candy. I just finished the jack-o-lantern. I want to go pick out a costume to wear, but I don't know if I'll actually do that. T is feeling down. He's already sad about the cute kids that will come to our door. Also, there is a baby shower for his boss at work tomorrow. He's hoping he can make himself scarce at that time. I hope he can too.

I also hope we give away all the candy we bought because if we don't, I'll just eat it all. And no one needs that.

Some bad news

T's company was purchased recently. In January, his health plan changes. The plan for the new company doesn't have good infertility coverage. The IUIs will still be partially covered, though we will pay more than we do now as a copay. And I'm pretty sure that any injectable medications wouldn't be covered. But they will not cover IVF. Not at all. So, the magic of living in Massachusetts may be short lived.

Needless to say, I think I am going to try harder to find a full time job so that I can have health insurance through my work. That way, if we need IVF, we can have coverage.

A bump in the road, but just a bump. We can get through it.

Needless to say, if I'm pregnant (and stay that way), this is something we will not have to worry about for a couple of years. We have until New Years. I'm having a hard time hoping I might be pregnant, but of course being pregnant would solve this issue, at least for a while. And there is no pre-existing condition policy for the new health plan, so the entire pregnancy would be covered without a problem. Oy. No pressure.