Thursday, October 18, 2007

Just sad

I have been miserable all day. My temperature went down today. I don't think I'm going to test tomorrow. I will, however, test Saturday. I'm having a non-blogger infertile girls' night out, and I want to DRINK, so I'll test Saturday just to make sure. I'll temp tomorrow to see if it was a fluke dip or if it's really over. Needless to say, I'm not feeling very hopeful.

I had a phone interview yesterday. This job is perfect for me in many ways. It involves training and data management. It's with a cool and growing company, and there is room for advancement. It's really near my house. The people that work there are diverse, smart, and they work hard. There is opportunity to occasionally travel to cool places including Prague and Geneva.

I don't want this job. I don't want to work 45 or 50 hours a week. I don't want to travel sometimes. What if I have to miss fertile time? I don't want to have to be responsible for anything. I like my 30 hour a week with no responsibilities. I feel like my job is to get pregnant. That's a huge enough stress and responsibility by itself. I've had it for 2 years. I know it well by now.

I feel horrible for not wanting this job. I should want this job. I am a very smart person. I have a graduate degree. I am a good, critical thinker and I am an excellent teacher. I am capable of so much. I feel guilty not using my brain. I'm doing the work that someone with a GED could do. And yet, I still don't want this job. I have an interview set up for next week, and I will go and be enthusiastic. But I'm terrified. And I don't want the job.

I've been pretty much at my wit's end today. I saw no less than 3 pregnant women today not including the one at work. Babies made me cry again. That hasn't happened in a while. We have one vial of sperm left. I'm going to try to do monitoring and a trigger shot next month. That leaves one month before our insurance changes. Don't know what we're going to do then. But I'm entertaining fantasies of trying on our own again in January until I find a job with insurance coverage. You never know, right? And T's sperm seems to be the only sperm that wants to make me pregnant. We may have to choose a different donor too. And then there's the donor embryo route.

Right now, I just can't imagine a world where everything works out.


LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

You and I are in very similar places. My nearly-full-time consulting gig ends tomorrow and I will probably start temping next week with no permanent opportunity (one that I want and/or would be right for me) in site.

Thanks for reminding me of the stress of IF and TTC. Though I know it makes me sad, I often discount how much of a job it all is. One of the reasons I am considering the temp job for which I interviewed today was because it is up the street from my health center - which means monitoring for IVF will be so easy to get to and not interrupt my schedule.

When you find a way to believe that this is a world in which everything works out well, please let me know!! I am in the dumps with you, my friend!!


mary ellen said...

I am so sorry Rachel

JJ said...

I hate those days...and I have a lot of them lately. Im so sorry its a down in the dumps kind of time...wanna share a virtual glass of wine? or 2...=)

Trace said...

I don't have high career aspirations. Sometimes I feel weird about it (I did got to college and everything), but I really don't care.

Good luck making the donor decision!!

Fertilize Me said...

I am very sorry

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. Infertility has kind of taken over my life and it makes it hard to plan for the future. I really hate that aspect of it all.

I'm sorry this cycle didn't work. Thinking of you.


niobe said...

What you say is so true. It just becomes harder and harder to imagine the happy ending.

Not that it helps, but I'm thinking of you.