Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Paranoia

Fear is an amazing thing. Yesterday I was feeling so great. I got a number that was higher than I had ever expected. I was over the moon. I felt for the first time in a long time that something might go right for us. My b00bs were a little bit sore and I was having a little bit of cramping. It was a sign that something was going on in there.

And then I went to sleep.

When I woke up, my b00bs no longer felt as sore as they had the day before. The cramping had stopped. I suddenly remembered the day during my second pregnancy where I thought to myself my symptoms were clearly not what they had been. Then I dismissed it with delusions of paranoia from losing my first pregnancy. Then an hour later I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding.

The fear of this not working out will not go away. The numbers are comforting, and I still POAS every morning. It still makes a second line and that line seems to be getting a little bit darker every day. Still, if I feel myself up and I'm not sore, I freak out.

I am trying to push this fear out of my mind. Freaking out will neither help nor hurt the situation. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. So far, things seem to be working out in a positive manner. I am trying to breathe and not fret. I am also trying to not feel myself up too much lest I freak out.

I am happy to say, however, that the soreness and some cramping did return by the afternoon, so I am feeling much better than I was this morning.

All I can do is hope for a good number on Friday. I need to take things one day at a time. So far, things seem to be okay. And if they turn out not to be okay, it's nothing that I did. I've done all that I can. Breathe. Breathe.

14 comments:

Waiting Amy said...

Oh Rach, I am so right there with you! I still have some cramping, but of course now I worry that it is too much. And NO boob changes, which freaks me out. When I had a blighted ovum this same time last year I had rising hCG, but NO symptoms except the cramping.

This am I was thrilled, now I'm freaking out that it will all play out like last year. The waiting is awful! Hope tomorrow goes easier for us both!

Susan said...

I'm hoping and praying for a good number. I'm also keeping my fingers and toes crossed!

ultimatejourney said...

It's too bad you have to wait 3 days between betas -- two is hard enough. I hope tomorrow brings more reassurance.

Samantha said...

These waits can feel like forever! I am hoping for you.

Anita said...

My 5th pregnancy, the one that worked, I had very little breast tenderness. Try not to read too much into the signs. I know it's hard not too.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I know that during my entire pregnancy I've had days that all signs of pregnancy just disappeared-it's hard not to worry though. I hope tomorrow brings some serious doubling!

Trace said...

Good vibes coming your way!!

Nearlydawn said...

Cautiously optomistic is a very good place to wait out your next beta. I've been on both sides of this coin, and the waiting for deffinate answers is maddening.

I'll be thinking of you over Christmas and hoping you'll get the greatest gift of all. :)

Amy & Ryan said...

The fear never goes away and there will be something new to worry about after your next beta. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant this time, after losing 2 babies I didn't want to have to endure another person to tell if something happened. Now I have people coming up to me saying I didn't know you were pregnant, and you know most times I forget I am too except for my bump. Your symptoms will go away because every pregnancy is different. Keep your chin up and enjoy just being pregnant, no one can take that away from you!

Vanessa said...

Have HOPE, your beta did go up even when you thought for sure that it wouldn't, so try to focus on that and other positives. Everyones symptoms are different so try not to compare. Congrats and i'll be sending prayers your way :)

The Town Criers said...

The fear is terrible, but I hope you get only good news tomorrow. I'm sending many good thoughts to you, sweetie.

carrie said...

in case you want a success story with low initial betas... i started out with a beta of 28 and will be 38 weeks pregnant tomorrow...
good luck and hang in there!

maryellenandsteve said...

Hoping for a good strong number tomorrow.

K77 said...

Ugh it's scary. I am finding "symptoms" come & go & change within days/hours.