Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Sad today

The other receptionist had to cover for someone on a different floor, so I had to sit at the front desk with the pregnant woman all day. She's due in exactly one month from today, so there is a ton of baby talk with her. It's all people talk to her about. It wasn't bad for most of the day, but I find myself feeling sad. She keeps saying how she's ready and how she wishes the baby would come soon. From that, I can totally tell she's a non IF-er. An IF-er would be paranoid about giving birth before 37 weeks, and would want to keep the baby in for as long as possible to decrease risks. She's ready now, at barely 36. From what I can tell, she's been married for less time than T and I have been. She keeps talking about how much the baby is moving and how he's pressing on her ribs. It's just hard to listen to over and over.

And yesterday T got a picture of the boss's new baby. And the boss responded to T's well wishes, referring to him as 'Uncle T,' which is nice, but poor T's response to me was, "I'm tired of always being Uncle T.' It makes me so sad.

I'm picking up our vial of sperm on Friday. If things are fast, we'll have an IUI on Sunday, but I bet ovulation will be delayed again. Not a huge deal, I just like when it falls on a weekend and we don't have to interfere with work. But it is what it is. Nothing I can do about it.

I feel like I have been more relaxed lately, but I also wonder if it's just that I've become so numb that it feels like I'm relaxed. Our house is a complete disaster, and I just don't have the energy to clean up. I can barely get any chores around the house done at all. I can simply go to work and knit.

Speaking of knitting, no one has signed up for my knitting class so far, so there is a chance that it might be canceled after all of that. I was looking forward to teaching a little again, so that is a disappointment as well. Though, I always knew there was a chance that it would be canceled. It's just that I turned down jobs to keep those afternoons free, and it may have been for naught.

Tonight the Red Sox have their first playoff game. We will watch, but I'm honestly not that excited about the playoffs. I feel like that's another sign of my numbness. I'm a pretty huge Sox fan ordinarily. Of course, maybe it's because they've played like crap lately. Who knows.

I'm trying to hold my chin up (I hate that phrase) and I just can't tell if I am or not. I'm probably not, but I'm crazy enough to convince myself that I'm doing better. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and just clean the fucking kitchen.


My Reality said...

I found out a co-worker just 2 desks away is expecting her second. She didn't even know she was pregnant until last week and she is already 11 weeks. I can hardly wait for the conversations I will be privy to.

I hope this IUI works and T can be more than just an uncle.

Sarahbchicago said...

Wishing you lots of luck for your upcoming IUI. Feeling numb and at the same time more relaxed was how I felt by the time I hit my second IVF after clomid, chemical pregnancy, 3 IUIs, 1st IVF and FET. It's not a bad way to feel really, it's self-protective. Sending you best wishes.

Rachel said...

I am sorry you have to work with the pregnant woman and be constantly reminded of your own lack of a child.

As for how she answers the questions, I find myself answering questions differently depending on who asks. If someone I know asks how I'm doing, I can be honest about my fears, discomfort, etc. If some random person asks, I just give them the answer they are expecting. No one really wants to hear that you don't believe you are going to deliver a healthy, happy, baby that lives.

noswimmers said...

That must be so hard...I'm so sorry you had to be stuck with the prego lady all day. I would have gone nuts!!
Best wishes for your next IUI!

Ms. Infertile said...

I'm sorry about the preggo co-worker and completely understand how hard it is to sit there and listen to that talk.

It's difficult not to completely lose it.

I hope this next IUI is successful for you.

Milk Maid said...

Hey you- I've been a lurker for a while. Keep your chin up hun.... I know just how hard all of this is (believe me- I totally do!). You will get your miracle- I truly believe!

Anonymous said...

I know how hard it is to have the constant preggo nattering all day long. It's one of the things that made me finally quit my job; I just couldn't take it anymore.

Thinking of you. Too bad we don't live closer because I sure could use the knitting lessons. I won't join a group because it will all be baybee talk so I take private lessons. I can now knit a tube. Yay!

Take care.


Trace said...

They're everywhere aren't they? I'm sending you those good vibes! Who knows this may be the time!!