Thursday, November 15, 2007

What is, and what I hope will be

I kept thinking how I would word the blog post that my negative was just an early false negative and that -- surprise, surprise -- I'm actually pregnant. I couldn't believe that this process wouldn't work for us yet again. When I woke up this morning, I contemplated taking another hpt, but I wasn't ready to see one line again. My bbt had dropped by a few points, and that was enough of a sign for me. And yet, here I am, still thinking that maybe it has just dipped, and if tomorrow my bbt is up, I will certainly pee on another stick. Is this a sickness? Have I lost all signs of sanity? Is it possible to go about normally in a normal world when this is how you think? Intellectually, I know that I am not pregnant. It's just, without any signs of bleeding or a blood test, I cannot completely let go. Why can I not let go?

I am thinking about letting go a lot. When is it time to let go of this quest to be pregnant and birth a live child? How much emotional energy must we spend? When do I know it is time to move on?

I am not ready to move on now. I'm giving myself about 6 more months. But in 6 months, I'm not sure I'll be able to do this any more.

I think about adoption all the time. Right now, I am too angry at the world to pursue it. Why should we have to spend our entire life savings to get what people make accidentally? Why, in order to save some money, do I have to not be able to raise my child from infancy? Why, when we got pregnant three times without any trouble can I not get pregnant now?

I have grieved infertility from the male side, but I guess I haven't grieved my side of it yet. It's funny, it's not the genetics that are getting me. It's the experience of seeing a child grow from nothing into something ready to exist outside its mother's body, to welcoming it to the world. I want to be part of that, and I'm not ready to give that up.

This is how I know that we will find some way to try IVF with the few eggs we get from me when we do IVF. Without the 1 in 10 chance of the translocation, it's possible that our few embryos will work. If that fails, maybe the expense of donor embryo is worth it for us, even if it's spending money for only a chance at something.

All of this is so damn hard. I can't believe that all of this shit has happened to us. The unfairness of it all overwhelms me.

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to make myself believe that I'm truly and honestly not pregnant.


Susan said...

I think it's different for everyone to know when to stop. There are different circumstances, feelings, and emotions involved. I'm sorry that this cycle was rough. I feel the same way about adoption. Why pay for something that happens accidentally to other people? I have a hard time letting go myself. It's like a battle that I don't want to lose but I don't have the right armor and artillery to properly fight. I keep holding onto hope even when my gyn tells me things don't look good. Hang in there. I'm pulling for you!!!

Anonymous said...

You keep going because the alternative is to give up. Your drive and desire to be a parent to an infant is so strong it won't let you give up, not yet, probably not ever. I think you have the strength and desire for a child to keep pulling you through and I hope you don't ever need to go for the alternative and rather, eventually, way overdue, all of your efforts will finally be rewarded with what you really deserve instead of all this $^%#@. Until then, I'm thinking you and sending ((hugs)).

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Rachel. I can't give up because pregnancy is important to me. The loss of the genetics doesn't upset me nearly as much as my husband. The loss of not having any family makes me despondent and it just seems that no matter how many concessions I make, how many expectations I shift I end up on the losing end yet again. Unfair doesn't even cover it. I'm sorry.


Ms. Infertile said...

We think a lot alike. I'm just so sorry that this is all so hard.

Samantha said...

I am in a similar place right now, wondering what I should do next, and there is a lot of anger in that wonder. I also have trouble giving up hope until the final word. Nothing is ever easy, is it?

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I think your plan to stop in 6 months is a good one. A light at the end of the tunnel, even a very dim one, can sometimes be a bit helpful.

I do think that IVF with DS is worth giving a try, but only if you feel up to it.


Trace said...

I hear you screaming. I waffle between di and adoption all the time. I too want an infant which is one of the reasons I didn't go straight to international adoption and chose domestic.

La La said...

It is impossible to remain "sane" while TTC. =D But hey, its that hope that keeps us trying, right?? Hope you get your BFP!

My Reality said...

All of these decisions are hard. There isn't an easy way to make them and there aren't any right or wrong answer.

For me, the desire to be a mom has proven stronger than the desire to have a biological child. Once I figured out what was most important to me, it made answering some of the questions easier.