Wednesday, September 26, 2007


I feel stressed.

I've been thinking about my emotions a lot lately, and I think I might be more depressed than I think I am. I was anxious about leaving the house yesterday. I have small panic attacks reasonably often. I'm freaking out right now about something that isn't worth freaking about. I am having trouble motivating to do routine tasks. I force myself to do them, and once I start I'm okay. But I think I'm really having some troubles here. I need to calm myself.

What is stressing me out right now is work stuff. For the longest time, nothing with potential in the work part of my life has moved forward. But today, all hell has broken loose. I've gotten like 7 calls about jobs today. One is a part-time two (or so) month job from 8-2 that will take me through the knitting class I will start teaching soon. That should be a good thing! But then I freak out about when I will have the IUI and when will I meet with my therapist and how I just can't possibly work a job from 8-2 that doesn't have any flexibility. But T assures me I can get there at 8 without a problem. And we can meet with our therapist in the afternoon. T said he'd make time for it. And I told them I may have one or two doctor's appointments, and she said that would be fine. So, it's okay.

Then I get called from two recruiters about two different jobs. I'm a little overqualified for these jobs, but I think that's okay. I think. At least I might as well interview for them because I don't have to take them. I can simply learn about the positions, and if I don't want them, I don't have to talk them. So I should go for it. In fact, I have an interview on Monday after my new part time job. Why do I not feel more relaxed yet??

I talked to my RE yesterday. He convinced me that the timing of the IUI wasn't a bad one. I sort of changed my mind about that before, but he helped me feel that way with confidence. We talked about the possibility of monitoring, but I'm not convinced that I need it at this time. I think the timing is fine. I just didn't get pregnant. This happens. I'm 35. So, I'm going to use the Cl0mid and the OPKs again this month. I was this close to doing 2 IUIs too, but I'm not ready for that either, yet. Despite that study from 1998, he's completely convinced that newer data show that 2 are not necessary. I'm still going with that for now. But I'm going to either take the OPKs in the afternoon or double up this time. We shall see. If this third one doesn't work, I may very well do the monitoring. I'm just not ready for that yet.

Thanks for all the positive feedback about the hats. I bought some more yarn. Because of all the positivity, I'm definitely going with the $20 plus shipping charge. They are various children's sizes -- 0-6 months, 6-12 months, 2-18 months, 24 months, etc. I could make adult sizes, but I'd have to charge more for those. I'm also working on some baby socks/booties to match some of the hats. I could sell them as a combo. I also have scarves. Maybe I've got something here! But I don't think I could knit as fast as I can sell, and I like to make things for myself, too. But I feel good about this. Thanks.

I'm off to try to de-stress myself. I'm feeling slightly better, but I still have that nervous feeling at the pit of my stomach and my shoulders are tight. I'm going to go work on some socks.


Amy said...

I just wanted to write to say thanks for sharing. Seriously. I'm 32, ttc for almost a year, just moved to a new state (do not know ANYONE) and am also looking for a job but not really feeling passionate about it. All I can focus on is getting pregnant but its a viscious cycle of wanting to work to get my mind off of ttc (and have some money coming in!), but not wanting to start a job bc if I do (fingers crossed) get pregnant I don't want to work - so why start. With each passing month I sink deeper into a funk. I feel like I'm wasting my life and pinning all my hopes on my faulty reproductive system.

Anyway, reading your posts are really comforting. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

dmarie said...

The hats are so cute! Check out selling on Etsy if you haven't already.

I feel that kind of unmotivated stress everyday. I hope it eases up soon for you.

Erin said...

Oh I hope you feel better! I know that feeling of feast or famine with the job search, especially when you're dealing with temp agencies. Never fun, either way. Why can't they just call you with ONE perfect job??

Good luck with the hats!

daisychain said...

I was right there with the work thing about 3 months ago. Even if it's "good stress", it's still stress, right? I had to calm myself down on a regular basis when I had interviews and job offers. I didn't like the fact that good news gave me anxiety, but it did. To tell you the truth, I did some self medication with TV, every night. I used Netflix. Just an idea.

My Reality said...

Last year, I was having awful panic attacks about everything. My doctor put me on a low dose anti-depressant (Z0l0ft) and it has really been my saving grace.

I am not necessarily saying you need to take drugs, but just know that they are an option and my RE said they are safe to take while TTC. He actually encouraged me to take them while cycling to help with the stress and anxiety.

I know anti-depressants aren't for everyone, but they have helped me.

JJ said...

I just saw the hats--TOO cute--you are so very talented! I just dont have the knack for knitting--Ill stick to crocheting...

The kind of stress you are talking about is very suffocating..and I am sorry that you are having a hard time...I have not taken any anti-dep.'s but I have done some counseling--that helped me a lot--just to change how my mind was obsessing about the little things that turned into big things...but thats just assvice.

Thinking of you...