Monday, December 31, 2007

Nothing yet

I'm not bleeding yet and my b00bs still hurt. I've been sleeping 9 hours per night or more lately. This really sucks. I have another blood test on Wednesday. I don't know how long this is going to take. It seems like an eternity.

Last year around this time we went to Mexico with T's office and I had a miscarriage while there. This year the trip is to Las Vegas. We leave on the 12th. I was hoping to be done with this miscarriage by then. I realize it's still a couple weeks away, but I'm starting to worry that I'm going to be bleeding for this trip as well. I really hate these trips now, as every time I've gone on one it's been associated with a miscarriage. At least it's the last year they're doing these trips so we won't be having another miscarriage, I mean trip, at this time next year.

I read or hear that many people are glad that 2007 is over and that a new year is starting and that it will hopefully be better. I wish I could be this optimistic. All I see with the changing of years is the passing of time. More time has passed and it seems like I'm even further from all of my goals than I ever have been. I have no job, I'm not interested in any particular vocation and I'm still not any closer to having a baby.

I started and finished this year with a miscarriage. But the year itself doesn't have much meaning for me. I've always found NYE to be pretty arbitrary and I don't enjoy the countdown or any of that silly stuff. We are going to have dinner with E&R and see baby S. I believe we spend last NYE with them. I'm feeling a little ambivalent about it, but I'm doing it anyway. Mailing off the bunny I crocheted for a cousin's baby shower made me sadder than I feel I will be tonight. But I didn't want to stay home and I want to stay friends with them despite what is happening.

I'm still feeling pretty sad and angry. I'm starting to worry that I have a progesterone deficiency, or perhaps a clotting issue. I have a phone appointment with my RE on the fourteenth. I will ask if I was tested for any of these things. I know this probably just happened and there's probably no real reason for it. With the low number to begin with, it seems likely it wasn't viable to begin with, even with the initial doubling that did happen. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

I just don't know what to do with myself until March. Actually, I'm slightly contemplating another Cl0mid cycle so I only have to wait two months before cycling again. I'm also thinking that it's stupid to do that and I should just wait the extra four damn weeks and do the injectables.

Stop this roller coaster! I want to get off!

Oh yeah. And have a happy new year, for whatever that's worth.


My Reality said...

I am ready to get off it with you. I hope 2008 is a much better year.

maryellenandsteve said...

I hope that 2008 is a much better year for you, and I hope that this nightmare is over for you soon.

Almamay said...

Thank you for your honesty in your blog. I hope 2008 holds the key to your dreams.

ultimatejourney said...

Here's hoping better things are heading your way.

Samantha said...

I'm sorry hon, that's a crappy way to begin and end a year. I can't say I have a lot of hope for a new year, but I view it as a chance to try to handle myself with grace and poise, whatever gets thrown my way. It would be nice if a new year really did mean wishes came true.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

My heart breaks for you that you had to start and end the year in such a sad way. No one should have to go through this. I really hope that 2008 is much better to you and your husband.

K said...

Oh, I am so, so, so sorry. I hate that this is happening to you and I hate that it's dragging on and on.

I cannot know what you feel, but I know how I have felt after each of my losses, and I know that desolate empty feeling. I pray that you NEVER have to feel that again.