Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Nothing doing

I'm already feeling myself up to see if my b00bs are sore. It's only 5dpIUI.

Of course I think they might be a little sore. Of course I think I feel things in my uterus. I feel these things every time. If you look back at my blog, you'll see I'm convinced I'm pregnant every single cycle. Even when I'm not. Sometimes even after I start bleeding.

Right now, I'm hoping to wait until Tuesday before I POAS.

We've starting thinking about adoption. I still like the idea of using a donated embryo, but being very pro-choice (even after all of the crap I've been through) and I just can't stand the idea of giving money to an anti-choice organization. I have barely done any research, but I am hopeful that some of the organizations are about making families and not about 'saving babies.' Anyway, we are looking into domestic adoption. I'm not ready to start pursuing it yet, but I feel like we need to start thinking about it. If not for our first child, then maybe for our second. And maybe for both. And maybe not. I just hate how uncertain everything is. It's all so ambiguous.

I feel like our entire situation is ambiguous. Nothing has been decided for us. We don't have to use donor sperm. We could try on our own and possibly get pregnant. People with balanced translocations do it all the time. Granted, they have tons of miscarriages, but they have children, too. So, we could try on our own. We thought the donor thing would be faster. But I know T grieves the loss of passing on his genes. And though I have been pregnant three times from having s3x, I just can't seem to get pregnant from these dIUIs. At least not so far. Maybe my fertility has become quite compromised in the last year or so. We don't know. We have every possibility in front of us. I realize that everybody going through this has choices to make, but sometimes things are decided for you. I feel like nothing has been decided for us. It's all just up to us and what we think we want to do. We have to guess at what will be the best (and quickest) thing for us.

T is in a bad way. He's just so sad again. Almost despondent, really. I'm not sure what causes his ups and downs. Talking about adoption in therapy made me cry. Maybe that was part of it. He's just been sad for the past few days aside from that, though. Last night he asked what if having a baby doesn't make things better for us. He's worried that our sadness will stay around no matter what. We've been sad our entire married lives. I got pregnant for the first time one month after we were married. I miscarried at 5 weeks. We've been struggling ever since. He just can't imagine that once we have a baby we will feel better. He feels like we've put all our eggs in one basket (so to speak). He's afraid that having a baby won't fix that ache he has in his heart. I told him I really thought it would be better, but I can't promise that. I don't really know for sure. I imagine it is true. I can't imagine that things won't be better once we finally get a baby some day. Other things will move in to bring us troubles -- things will never be perfect. But I think they will be better. I wish I could get him to believe that. I really don't think he does. It makes me so sad to know how sad he is. I'm still trying to not be too sad. It's not working as well as it did last cycle.

It's all just too much.


Waiting Amy said...

Rachel, I'm sorry that I don't know just what to say. I wish things were going more simply for you.

I think if you and T are in therapy than he should have hope that things will improve when you finally have your family. If your unhappiness was due to significant problems in your relationship, I would think those things would have come up in therapy.

It may be that he just feels helpless. I know whenever I pressure my DH to talk about our IF, all he wants to say is that he wants it to be over, and he wishes he could make that happen. Men need to move into action for their women. And when they can't they feel terrible. Maybe try giving him some active things to do to make you both feel better? Cook together, do a puzzle, something?

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

When I am upset and my husband can't solve my problems or take away the pain, it starts a cycle. He feels bad that he can't fix my problem and then we are both down. I wonder if T feels the same way?

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Rachel. I completely understand T's fears and worry about the same thing. I just feel devoid of who I used to be anymore and there's not getting it back. But I have no choice but to stubbornly insist (my inner dialog) that of course things will get better, they have to. I just need to keep moving forward until the tide changes.

Thinking of you and wishing you the best.


Somewhat Ordinary said...

Rachel, I'm so sorry!

I can honestly say that I think having the family will take away the pain. It won't solve all of life's problems or marriage issues, but I do think that it will take away this saddness you all feel. Until we decided to use DI our lives felt much like what you are describing. Now that we are expecting our relationship has gotten better. It isn't all grins and giggles, but that huge black cloud we had hanging over our head has lifted. I was also worried that since the baby wasn't genetically my husband's the saddness may linger, but I can't imagine him any happier, excited and loving if the baby carried his genes.

Hang in there! I think you guys can make it through this.

JJ said...

Mook and I get on the same roller coaster--it takes a LOT of strength to cope with all that this journey entails...Im hoping that both of you have MUCH to celebrate soon!