Monday, October 15, 2007

Conflicted

I can't decide when to POAS. The earliest I would do it is Wednesday morning. That would be 10dpo or 11dpIUI. Though, supposedly I did ovulate on the IUI day. It's just my temp didn't go up until the next day.

As far as symptoms go, I know I can convince myself I have pregnancy symptoms no matter what, so I just can't go on symptoms. I had an 'implantation dip' on 6dpo, but last cycle I had a perfect triphasic chart and I wasn't pregnant, so that doesn't mean anything either. My b00bs are a tiny bit sore, but that is a side effect of the cl0mid, so that doesn't mean anything either. I'm half hopeful and half convinced I won't be pregnant again. I just have no idea.

Of the three times I was pregnant, once I had no clue or symptoms what-so-ever and two times I had a pretty good idea. So I can't really go by that either. That and the fact that those pregnancies didn't last, anyway.

So, I have to decide if I want to know for sure or if I want to be in I don't know land. I do want to know before the beta. I will definitely POAS on Saturday if I don't during the week. I'm so afraid of disappointment.

I keep visualizing what I would do if I got a positive pregnancy test. I just can't imagine it actually happening. I think I might scream or cry if I were to get a positive, but I just don't know. I'm still remaining somewhat calm, but this is the point where every twinge in my body has some sort of meaning. I hate it. But would I rather stop analyzing because I have a negative? I don't know.

I do know that if I ever do get that elusive positive, I am going to be very, very paranoid about diminishing symptoms. That happened to me during pregnancy #2. I had strong symptoms, and I remember my breast soreness going away. I remember thinking I was paranoid about losing symptoms and that I was just crazy, but of course later that day I started spotting. And that was it.

I wish I had some faith in this process. I don't. But I do still have a tiny bit of damn hope.

7 comments:

Samantha said...

I hope you'll be able to hang in there until it's time. And I hope it will be good news!

My Reality said...

I hope you get a wonderful surprise when you pee on that stick.

ultimatejourney said...

I'm rooting for you.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Hang in there! I know the waiting is hard. Thinking of you!!

singletracey said...

I am holding onto the hope stick that THIS is your month!!

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I know - deciding whether to find out on your own or via an official test is so difficult. I say take it day by day.

I just read your previous post and you summed up my feelings these days really well. I am convinced that I will never be able to handle news of accidental pregnancies well. EVER. But I am telling myself that that's ok. I don't have to be. But I can't tell you how much I want this stuff not to hurt anymore!!

XOXOXO

Becks said...

I've got my fingers crossed for you.