Sunday, September 23, 2007

Again, a negative

I had my beta today. As expected, I am not pregnant again. The results turned around in less than an hour and a half, which was pretty impressive. I wasn't expecting the call until later today. This nurse seemed less hesitant than others to give me the bad news. I sometimes wonder if some nurses put off the negatives until the end of their phone calls and others try to get them out of the way first before calling people with updates and positives.

I have to set up another phone call with the RE. I have to decide whether to do 2 IUIs next cycle. Honestly, I'm hesitant to do so. I think I'd rather change the timing of my OPKs. I'm going to start taking them between early afternoon and early evening, and then just schedule the IUI for the next day that way. Or, maybe I'll take 2 OPKs per day -- one in the morning and one in early evening. That way I know know what's going on and schedule accordingly. The OPKs seem to work for me, and using twice as many is still much, much cheaper than using 2 vials of donor sperm.

I don't even know where I am emotionally right now. I have been sad for the past few days, but I don't feel really sad right this second. I guess I'm feeling numb. I can't believe how my IF resume is growing. 3 m/c, 3 failed IVF w/PGD, 2 failed dIUI. All of this has happened in two years. It really boggles my mind.

T and I are starting to talk about donor embryos. We're definitely not there yet, but my way of coping is thinking about next steps. We do have several steps before we get there, but I want to find out what those options are like, how much it costs, how/if we're able to have some choice in the embryo selection and things like that. Before we really get to embryo adoption, we will definitely do more dIUIs with both more Cl0mid and injectibles and we will also look at changing donors and trying again before moving on, so we have a while before we get there. I'm just really losing patience with this process.

I called the temp agency and told them I couldn't go back to that job. I lied about the reason, and the woman didn't sound very pleased with me, but screw that. I needed to get the hell out of there. I know it was the right thing for me to do. So I'll have to call for other jobs tomorrow.

Sometimes I wonder when I'll wake up from this nightmare.

I think I need to start doing yoga or something. Allie Domar says that depression can affect fertility. I'm starting to wonder if I'm the reason I'm not getting pregnant.


Waiting Amy said...

I'm sorry Rachel. I know it is disappointing.

I'm glad you are getting out of that job. Hopefully something distracting will come alone.

You have a great plan, and at some point I believe it WILL work. What about doing monitoring with a trigger shot to time the IUI? I'm not sure if that would be cheaper than the 2 IUIs, but maybe it would be a little less?

Good luck, and be good to yourself.

Carey said...

I'm so sorry about the bfn.

Not that you asked, but I would ditch the OPKs and go for the trigger shot. With OPKs, I was never really sure if our timing was right. One well timed IUI is just as effective as 2 IUIs according to the research. The trigger will give you that good timing. Maybe even pop some clomid :)

I'd give IUIs a few more tries before moving on to donor eggs. I really just think you need some drugs to give you a boost.

Samantha said...

I'm so sorry this didn't work. I wish that things had turned out differently. I also hope you'll find a treatment path that will work for you, whether two IUIs, trigger shots, or extra OPKs.

Anonymous said...

Even though you were expecting this, it still sucks and I am sorry.

If it were me, I would want a trigger shot with some monitoring, I just don't know if I could trust OPK's. I know it would probably cost more, but I think I would want one perfectly timed IUI before considering donor embryos.

Delenn said...

I'm sorry about the bfn. Please don't blame yourself. I don't think it matters if you positive or negative thinking...what happens happens. It's nice to hear you not giving up and going on with the plans. I will keep hoping for you.

mary ellen said...

I am so sorry honey. Just so sorry.

Ms. Infertile said...

I'm sorry Rachel - I know how much those negatives hurt.
I think using the OPK's in the afternoon (2pm I think is the best time) or two a day may be helpful -I'm not sure if doing two IUI's with donor sperm would increase success. It's good that you have plans for the future. I find I am the same way - having a plan helps keep my sanity in check through this journey.
Hugs to you.

Sara said...

I'm so sorry. BFN's totally suck.

I agree with Carey about the trigger shot. It's not very expensive (relatively speaking), and will make sure to get your timing right, if you're concerned about that.

Good luck my dear. You have been through so much lately. I really hope that you can find a little happiness soon.

Jessica at Bwlchyrhyd said...

Sorry sweetie... :(

ultimatejourney said...

I'm really sorry. I'm hoping the third time will be the charm. (This would be somehow fitting since there are a lot of 3s on your IF resume, though I would've much preferred to see a BFP many cycles ago.)

I think it is worth pursuing activities that will make this difficult time more enjoyable. It couldn't hurt to try yoga. You might even find you really like it.

Sarah said...

oh no rachel, i hate to hear you say that! i think we've all had moments of doubting whether our mental state was contributing to bfns, but you are NOT the reason this isn't working. remember the fertile crack whore--surely her emotions are not all smiles and rainbows.

i am so with Reality on the triggering/monitoring. as much as the opk's may seem reliable, i would just want the extra insurance. my clinic will not let you rely on opk's, so maybe i'm biased by my doc's predisposition not to trust us mortals to monitor ourselves.

also, just wondering because i'm not educated about donor issues, but would there be an option to try IVF with donor sperm and your egg before moving on to embryo adoption? just curious.

Erin said...

I'm so sorry this didn't work out. I will be pulling for you next time! I think the idea of changing the opk timing is a great one. Take charge! And try to feel better.

Fertilize Me said...

I am so sorry it was negative.

Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry Rachel, really sorry it didn't work.